About Me
I say I've lived a pretty normal life, like any other man my age has. I spent
the first 5 years of my life studying the arts finger painting, macaroni
pictures, light bright, the usual. By age seven I was riding elephants
competitively in South Africa and engaging in full contact chess. I was nearly
a fully developed man by age 8.
Philosophy has always been a passion of mine - I've spent long, lonely
nights wondering why world hunger exists, and why vibrating shoes don't. I
finished 2nd in the South American Hand Writing contest, 3rd in the Turkish
Nude Olympics. Zac Efron has my number on speed dial. I send him to
voicemail.
I once single handedly commanded an entire fleet of fully trained and
dangerously equipped carrier pigeons through Kentucky with limited visibility
and caution. I don't like pigeons. Using nothing but a paper clip and a stale
box of Corn Flakes I once saved a child from certain drowning and personally
nursed him back to health in under a fortnight. Barack Obama named his pet
rock after me. Joe Biden named his pet rock after Barack's. I don’t believe in
pet rocks.