MAKE LOVE LIKE A MENSCH! -Tired of being lonelier than a Jew on Ramadan, I have finally swallowed my pride and decided to dive headfirst into the scammy online world of cyber dating. Truth be told, it was a toss-up between this, using a Russian mail order bride service, shtuping my sister’s ugly best friend, or joining a celibate Tibetan Sherpa community somewhere in the scenic highlands of Nepal. Those who confuse my secular ambivalence as a lack of faith, however, are sorely mistaken. On the contrary, my Jew street cred is as strong as the staff used by Moses to part the red sea, smite the Pharaoh of Egypt, and lead the Israelites into Canaan after more than 400 years of bondage (Still dare to doubt my super Jew status?). ISO a nice Jewish boy to bring home to mom as you secretly carry out an affair with the hot gentile office boy? Look no further. In addition, a widely-publicized personal injury lawsuit involving hot coffee and a fast food chain drive-thru window has rendered me completely impotent, making me the ultimate platonic spooning buddy! If you too postponed filling out a JDate profile until nagging relatives started doubting your heterosexuality (and are NOT a highly advanced Nigerian paypal bot), I’d love to hear from you! An unoccupied mikveh is a terrible thing to waste. Won’t you join me in the warm bubbly waters for a couple glasses of crystal and a light nosh?