Having been recently released back to the wild, the only pick-up line I can now think of is, "I'm heading to the store, could I get you some milk?" I'm a writer - journalism, books and checks. I play tennis and squash like to windsurf, bike, ski and mix darks and lights - separating them is a plot by the detergent industry.
I was one of five brothers, no sisters, so I’m still figuring out women, especially the part where they tell you not to bother with a birthday gift and then get mad when you don't.
I believe ketchup is a vegetable, that the longest known distance for males is between the sink and the dishwasher and that if your mother cuts your sandwich square instead of diagonally she doesn't love you as much. I do believe in love, but if my soul-mate ever said I had to choose between her and Heinz, I'd gently cup her face in my hands, stare deep in her eyes and tell her how much I will miss her.
I’m a strawberry-shortcake slut and think that when God made papayas and Root Beer barrels, he brought his A-game. I'm afraid of roller coasters, horror movies, bathroom doors in people’s houses that don’t lock, and the words, "We have to talk."
I don't understand how Snooki got a novel published or how we got from "Oh Susanna" to "Big Booty Hoes." And is it really necessary for 13-year-olds to "grind" on the dance floor?
I'm 5'10", weigh a buck-seventy, graduated from Middlebury with high honors in disciplinary probation, and if we're sharing a 5-piece shrimp cocktail, you'll have to fight me for the extra. Similarly, if there's only one ice cream sandwich left, I'm hiding it behind the frozen peas so my kids won't rip me off.
Trying but failing to be serious for a moment: I like long walks on the beach, fires on cold nights and other cliche activities meant to convey sensitivity - and actually men don't love walks on the beach but have to say we do here to get a darn date.
As for what I'm looking for, I don't have much hope because whenever my mom would catch me giving a wedgie to my brother or spraying whipped cream in my mouth she'd say, "You'll never get a girl." To my credit - I haven't done either of those things in months.
I like to escape to Martha's Vineyard and as for parenting skills, I'll match anyone at grabbing wet towels off the floor. Oh - and one more try on the pick-up line. Tell you what, babe how about we go up to your place and...I don't know...empty the dishwasher?