Oh, *there* you are! I’ve been looking all over for you, do you realize how elusive you’ve been?
You weren’t in Illinois for the 21 years I spent there, so I came to Seattle, hot on your trail. I spent 7 years looking for you at Microsoft, but you weren’t there, or maybe you were hiding. For the last 5 years, you haven’t been at the game company where I now work but that’s mostly guys so you’d have a hard time hiding there.
I thought maybe you’d be over at UW so I started spending evenings there -- enough that they gave me a Master’s degree, but you remained out of sight. I call it a bad trade.
My family is eager to help me find you, but since they’re back across the country, their good intentions haven’t turned you up. I keep in touch with them via a type of code known as a "fantasy football league". Good luck deciphering it if you're not in the know.
As a kid, I liked the Muppets book where the gang heads out to the woods to look for Robin who's camping alone. With that as inspiration, I tried in national parks from here to Arizona. I guess I'm no better at finding people in a forest than Fozzie Bear is. I tried the Symphony, too, but unless you were disguised as a 70-year-old, I didn't see you. At least the music was good. I've spent weeks at astronomical observatories using telescopes the size of a building I've seen starlight from billions of years ago, but none of it reflected off your eyes.
But I know you're around, so now I just eat out as often as I get the chance, while suddenly looking behind me at random intervals to try and catch you unawares. I've got to admit, you've got this cloak and dagger thing nailed.
Ok, I cry uncle. It's time for to you come out of hiding, and I'll show you the places where I tried looking for you, and you can show me where you actually were all that time, and we can laugh about how crazy this whole cat and mouse game is. So write already - operators are standing by.