JBlog®

Learning from The Bachelor “Disaster”

by Tamar Caspi under Online Dating,Single Life

If you have ever watched any of the The Bachelor franchise’s shows then odds are you’ve seen or heard of a participant (contestant?) named Chris Bukowski who has been on a record-setting FIVE different seasons. Finally, he has learned his lesson and is exiting Bachelor Nation, but his journey reminds me of those singles who are TOO visible in the dating world.

Who am I talking about? You know them. It’s the singles who have been on JDate for years and years without a break and without even updating their profile or photos, and are also on other dating sites and apps, and go to every mixer in the community, and ask out or accept dates without any consideration, and are simply just too available that it comes off as desperate — learn from Chris B. and step away!

What should you do if you think this applies to you? Skip some events — don’t worry, your Beshert isn’t going to magically appear at that one event you miss! — hide your online dating profiles, and forget about dating for a while as you concentrate on other things in your life. There’s that obnoxious saying: when you’re not thinking about it (dating) as much, chances are that is when it will finally happen (meeting someone of substance) — but it’s true. Try it. What do you have to lose?

For more dating tips, buy How to Woo a Jew and follow me on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter.


Dear Tamar: Playing the Viewing Game

by Tamar Caspi under JDate,Online Dating,Single Life

Dear Tamar,

I’ve been attempting to get in contact with this girl whom I’d like to get to know. But I’m not getting anywhere.

She originally viewed my profile and after looking at hers I decided to send her a message. I didn’t get a response but she did look at my profile again, good news I guess. I then waited a few days to see if she would reply to my message and still nothing.

I then sent a follow up message and again no response but she viewed my profile again. I’m not 100% sure what this means but I think that she’s interested but somewhat unsure about responding.

Do you have any advice? She seems like someone who I can develop a relationship with.

___________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Viewing Game,

First, look to see if your email to her was “read” or not. If it was read by her and she hasn’t yet responded but she’s still viewing your profile then perhaps write her again and jokingly let her know that you know she’s unsure about whether to respond and that you’ll make it worth her effort, or that she won’t be disappointed, or something else fun and light-hearted.

If your message isn’t showing as “read” then unfortunately it sounds like she may not have a paid JDate account. Obviously being able to contact prospective JDaters is the biggest reason to get a paid account and sometimes people wait until they have someone who’ve they’ve played this viewing game with before finally joining. Try sending her a flirt since she can see that without being a subscriber. She won’t be able to respond but it might be the catalyst to finally getting her to subscribe.

The final option is to try and catch her online so that you can instant message her. Again, you have to be a subscriber to begin the IM session but she doesn’t have to be a subscriber to answer. Now, go get her!

Need more tips on Jewish dating? How to Woo a Jew has your answers! Buy the book and follow on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook!


First Date Fashion Part II

by Caryn Alper under Date Night,Online Dating,Single Life

Last week, I talked about some general dating fashion tips, but this week, let’s get specific. How do you know what kind of date calls for what kind outfit? Check out the list below for some guidance:

Coffee date: Asking someone for coffee means “you’re a decent online conversationalist, and I’m ready to meet you in person, but I’m not willing to commit to anything involving time or money in case we don’t click in real life.” Due to the casual and brief nature of the coffee date, you’re allowed to look casual. However, because of the brief encounter, your first impression is even more important here. This means that you should take care to look good and presentable, even if you’re wearing casual clothes. Do not wear gym clothes, leggings, or anything that shows you clearly stopped by the date on the way from an activity that involves sweating.  A sundress, jeans, or a sweater dress and boots in the winter is perfect.

Drinks and/or dinner: I put drinks and dinner in the same category, because, if a drink date goes well, it will often lead to dinner.  Assuming this dinner date doesn’t involve a drive-thru window, look extra nice!  Ladies, this means a dress and heels (unless your date is shorter than you, in which case, use your discretion), or something equally dressy. Guys, slacks and a shirt always work – and tuck it in and use a belt!

An “activity” date: This can include bowling, hiking, rock climbing, or any extreme adventure from The Bachelor that doesn’t actually happen in real life.  You will be moving around, so you want to be comfortable (i.e., not pulling up your strapless bra or tugging at your dress), but this is NOT an excuse to wear some ratty old gym clothes.  ‘Athleisure’ is a thing for a reason.  Leggings (in good condition) plus a bright colored top and tennis shoes will do for the ladies.  Guys, clean clothes without holes and tennis shoes in good condition are acceptable. You might decide to go to a casual restaurant afterward, so make sure your outfit is versatile.

Wild card: In this scenario, all you know is that you’re getting picked up at 8. You aren’t sure where you are going or what you’ll be doing.  Unfortunately, you must be prepared for a multitude of situations.  You should be safe wearing something on a level between your coffee date and dinner date.  Wear semi-comfortable shoes in case you end up walking more than expected, and for either gender, you can’t go wrong with nice jeans and a cool jacket.


Tell Me What You Really (Don’t) Want

by Tamar Caspi under Online Dating,Relationships,Single Life

JDate has a lot of multiple choice, fill in the blank, and essay questions asking you what you want, but what about what you DON’T want? I’m sure we can all make a list a mile long of things we would prefer a partner not to have, but try to whittle that list down to just a couple of things.

These are not your preferences, but rather the “I know for a fact that I can’t live with someone who…” (smokes, is not pro-choice, owns a gun, doesn’t read books, dresses up to reenact the Civil War, doesn’t want kids, whatever it is). It’s okay to be upfront and straightforward about specific traits that you have an aversion to. That said, you need to be open in other areas if you’re going to state one or two things that is an absolute dealbreaker.

Follow How to Woo a Jew on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter!

 


Don’t Worry, Be Happy

by Tamar Caspi under Online Dating,Relationships,Single Life

It’s not just a Bobby McFerrin song, it’s a lifestyle. Being happy is a decision you make about how you want to live and you get to make this decision each and every day. Being happy is attractive and will attract other happy people — and that includes singles attracting prospects.

Being happy in your life right now, being happy being alone and being single (not the same thing), is attractive. People who let their current situation get the best of them can come across as pessimistic, bitter, and negative on a date which is obviously a huge turn-off. People like this seem to depend on finding on a mate in order to make them happy, but your happiness should not be dependent upon someone else. It sounds logical reading it, but for some reason people don’t always identify as one these people or understand how to change it.

You want to be someone who has made the best of their situation by enjoying their life as-is. You’re single? So what! Find joy in all of the amazing things you have going on in your life, not what you’re missing. That said, make sure you do leave room for that special someone!

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Running Into a JDate While on a JDate

by Tamar Caspi under Date Night,JDate,Single Life

Dear Tamar,

So I follow your advice and I am poly-dating! Last week I went on a second date with a guy I met on JDate and it went great! Then over the weekend I went on a second date with another guy from JDate and WHOOPS… we ran smack into my other date (who was not a date).

I tried really hard not to make it awkward, and even introduced the two before excusing myself and that night’s date politely. It was easy enough to tell the guy who I was on a date with that it was just a friend we ran into, but the other guy knew better and I haven’t spoken to him yet. Obviously after just two dates I’m not in an exclusive relationship with either guy, but I also don’t have stronger feelings for one over the other because I barely know either. Now what do I do?

_________________________________________________________________________________________

Dear JDate Poly-dater,

You said it yourself — it’s just the second date with each guy and you don’t owe either of them anything. That said, it would be best to address what happened and be straight forward with the first guy. Call him and just say, “Hey, that was kinda awkward!” Then ask him if it bothers him and see what he says.

He may understand that it’s early on, and not a big deal, and he may also be poly-dating himself. Or he may want to know if there are feelings on either side and how long you plan on seeing other people. Obviously you don’t need to divulge too much, but you can simply explain that you are looking for things to get serious with one person and that you don’t want to rush it.

He may not want to date you anymore. If so, it’s not personal. Even people who are okay with the idea of poly-dating can’t handle when it’s staring them in the face.

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First Date Fashion

by Caryn Alper under Relationships

OK, you’ve nailed down a date. Nice work! Now, time to panic: what should you wear?  Selecting an outfit can be stressful – especially when you are meeting someone for the first time and want to make a good impression.  To start picking out a date look, ask yourself a few questions:

  • What is my personal style? What types of things do I typically wear?  A first date is not necessarily the best time to try out a denim jumpsuit to see if you like it.
  • Who is my date? A grad student?  A lawyer? A single dad? This doesn’t necessarily determine your date’s style, but it can provide a hint as to his level of formality.
  • Where are we going? If you aren’t familiar with the place, do a little research.  Websites usually have photos and reviews where you can get a good idea of the vibe.

As much as we like to think that a date is only evaluating your personality, that’s just not realistic.   The truth is that your date is 78% more likely to ask you on a second date if he likes the way you look.  OK, I made up that statistic, but your appearance IS a very important factor in determining whether or not you will get another chance.  If you and your date are evaluating each other as potential soulmates, mutual attraction is one of the first things you’ll both notice.

A few general Dos and Don’ts about what to wear:

Do express your personal style but don’t dress in an extreme way.  Especially if you have never met before in person, you don’t want to embarrass your date by sporting something generally considered odd, like a tutu over jeans, or coat and scarf when it’s 90 degrees outside.  Also be weary of something super cool and trendy that may not be well understood by the opposite sex (harem pants, anyone?).

Do err on the side of being overdressed rather than underdressed.  You want your date to know that you value the time you are spending together and that put effort into getting ready!

Don’t wear anything too revealing. Yes, it’s a date, and yes, you want to look good, but don’t display all your goods. Keep things in proportion by highlighting one body part – so if you wear a short dress, pair it with long sleeves or a high neck, and sleeveless tops work well with longer and bottoms.

Guys – you aren’t off the hook here.  A first impression might even be MORE important for you, as girls (whether we like to admit it or not) tend to be more judgmental.  Although there aren’t as many rules for men, it’s important to look polished!  At a minimum, you should shower, shave, and comb your hair.  No one is impressed that you came straight from the gym.  Most date attire for men boils down to the skill of picking a combination of a shirt (polo/button down/sweater), pants (jeans or khakis), and shoes (no tennis shoes) that don’t horribly clash.  If you want bonus points, tuck in your shirt. Avoid cargo pants, and make sure your socks match your shoes.

Readers – what do you think?

PS – special thanks to JA, my sister/aspiring stylist for her help with this post!

Read Part II of this Post Here >>


Will Your Relationship Last?

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

John and Julie Gottman are considered the foremost experts in couples therapy and being able to predict if a relationship will last, or not. Rather than discuss the signs of what they call a “disaster” I want to relay what they found to be a predominant precursor to what they term a “master” — a successful relationship.

In the simplest terms, the Gottmans said that couples who respond to each other’s “bids” for connection. Basically, being interested in what the other person is saying. The Gottman’s research showed that 87% of successful couples responded correctly to their partner’s bids. This begins with being a good listener and extends to selflessness. If you are busy scrolling through Facebook when your significant other asks you a question, do you put down your phone/tablet/laptop and turn toward your partner to engage, or do you not even flinch and answer half-heartedly?

Hint: the former is good, the latter is not. What do you do?

If you’re interested in learning more about the Gottmans, start with this article.

How to Woo a Jew is on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. Follow for more links and funny memes!

 


Dear Tamar: What Next?

by Tamar Caspi under Date Night,JDate,Online Dating,Single Life

Dear Tamar,

I am back on JDate after about a year off and already met a great guy! He and I exchanged a few emails, and now a few texts. He sent the last one last night. So what next? What do I do?

______________________________________________________________________________________________

Dear What Next?

Do nothing. If he wants to go on a date with you, he will call you and ask you out. I am not a fan of texting, aside from exchanging pleasantries, before you’re in a bonafide relationship. We’ve all heard the phrase “he’s just not that into you,” and here’s where it rings true: If a guy is into you, he will call and ask you out, otherwise he’s just not that into you.

UPDATE
Since initially writing this, the guy did, in fact, call and ask our lovely emailer out!  They went on an awesome first date and they already have their second date planned!

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Clean Up Your Act

by Caryn Alper under Date Night,Single Life

“Can I come in for a nightcap?” *Panic*  This question is a variation on “want to come back to my place?” and no more polarizing post-date words have ever been spoken. But, not for the reasons you might think. Inviting someone back to your place unexpectedly is a terrorizing thought to… someone who has a messy house!

Single people, i.e., people who are dating and might find themselves in such a situation, tend to live either alone, with a roommate or two, or with their kids, all of which are risk factors for living in filth. It’s pretty easy for me to go days without putting anything (including dishes or clothes) away, and this slothfulness was only compounded when I lived with roommates in the past.  So what to do if a new dating partner stops by or wants to come over without advance notice?

My dad always said, “How will you get a guy if your apartment is such a mess? What if he wants to come over? What kind of housekeeper will he think you are?” You know, something, Dad?  I think you are right.

Some housekeeping disasters just can’t be explained away, so your best bet is strictly preventative.  Improve your own life AND your likelihood of impressing a date by always keeping your pad in showable condition.

If you can’t bear to vacuum and dust everyday, here are the basics:

  1. Keep your bathroom presentable. Let’s say a guy is dropping you off at the end of an otherwise decent date, and he asks if he can come in to use the bathroom.  Because you were just getting ready for a date, there’s a good chance your bathroom looks like Sephora exploded on your counter, leaving a trail of strewn about hair sprays, eye shadow palletes, hot rollers, etc. all over the place.  Next time, when you are finished in the bathroom, throw all your products in a basket, get rid of stray hairs that always find their way into the sink, and put the toilet paper roll back on the holder, just in case!
  2. Always have a clean entryway or living room. If someone walks you in to your place, this is the first impression he or she will have. When you are getting ready to leave, take 5 minutes and move your mail, purses, shoes, and mountains of outfits that you tried on and didn’t wear and shove them into a closet.  Just don’t forget where you stash your stuff. This is frustrating. Ask me how I know.
  3. Make sure your kitchen isn’t gross.  If someone stops by or comes over, you will probably offer a drink.  Don’t be that person who can’t find a clean glass among a sink full of dirty dishes. Oh, and try to keep a hand towel for guests in the kitchen and bathroom too.

They say an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, and when it comes to cleaning, a little bit of straightening up is worth it to prevent potential embarrassment!