JBlog^®

I’ve been fairly lucky in love in that even in my relatively short time dating, I have experienced some great love. The love of cheesy movies and letters passed down to grandchildren (literally, my college ex wrote me letters from overseas every day for four months). I remember how we met: on a cruise ship somewhere between Italy and Spain. I remember how our courtship started: he wrote me an email and called me the Jewel of the sea (our cruise ship’s namesake as well) and so began nearly 4 years of one of the most beautiful, passionate romances I have ever been witness to, never mind experienced. I remember our breakup too: a tearful embrace in the foyer of my apartment building, an uncertainty of when we’d see each other again (It’ll be two years this March).

In a perfect world, this great story would have led to our great love and our great love to a great relationship and subsequent marriage. But we weren’t right for each other and we knew it probably from very early on in the relationship. So what made us stick it out, aside from our young-twenties inexperience? What makes so many people try to fix something broken? The beauty of the story.

We loved telling our story. We loved when people told us how brave we were to try and work things out with an ocean between us. Every trip to see each other was the next hit of a powerful drug, reaffirmed by the praise and admiration we received from friends, acquaintances, and family. But behind closed doors, when no one was telling us how cute we looked together, we knew it wasn’t working.

You know what makes for a better story than how you met? How you stayed together. How you stayed happy together. My admiration is not for those who are lucky enough to meet in a wonderfully poetic way, my admiration is for those who met in a completely ordinary fashion and worked together to turn their relationship into something extraordinary.

Happy dating!

-Mel

After being on JDate for a long enough time, I can’t help but be cynical about every single profile I read. The phrase, “I’m a down to earth girl” may have one time had a meaning. This meaning was probably really nice and pleasant and implied only good things. Today, however, that phrase means absolutely nothing. It’s also annoying. What is ‘down to earth’? Of course, it’s not supposed to be taken literally. Or is it?

Okay, assuming it has nothing to do with a woman’s gravitational force and its relationship with the earth, what else is left? I suppose it implies friendliness. Down to earth. It could mean that you are able to cut through the bull. You don’t deal with superficialities. You’re not just skin deep. You’re a straight shooter. Oh no! I can’t even describe a cliché without using another cliché!

Alright, so I can’t really describe why I hate ‘down to earth’, and I don’t really know why I hate it. But I do. I hate it so much. I’m assuming that since you decided to describe yourself without simply posting a promiscuous picture with no words that you’re ‘down to earth’. Actually, all you have to do is write words. Any words at all. And any man will automatically assume that you are down to earth. It is completely implied. Don’t worry. Also, I’m not speaking for myself, but some men enjoy women who are not down to earth. Some men like aesthetics and pageantry. They seek an old-fashioned courtship, aside from the fact they are hypocrites because they are seeking it on the internet. Guys are just horrible.

As a frequent writer for the syndicated comic panel, Bizarro, I once depicted a character telling another character, “Hi, I’m…” before the other character replied, “Skip intro.”

During that first encounter with a prospective Ms. or Mr. Right, it’s as if we take a page from our own personal websites and relay our “About Us”. Imagine how much more we’d learn about each other if each of us revealed not only our personalized FAQ list. But personality-revealing IAA list.. Infrequently Answered Answers.

FAQ: What do you like to do for fun? IAA: Avoid spending time with overly successful people. FAQ: What was your longest relationship? IAA: Since the time you sat down till… (checking watch) … right now! FAQ: What kind of music do you like? IAA: Elevator. FAQ: Seen any good movies lately? IAA: No, because the actors in it are too successful.

Well, it’s getting late. I better – “Skip outro.”

At what age do you need to start taking dating more seriously? At what age should you stop dating around and start only dating Jews? Some people have always only dated Jews while others wait until they’re closer to what they consider to be optimal marrying age (30 is a common cut-off age). Some will date whomever they please in college but get serious about religion and other qualities afterwards. For me, it was right around 25 when something ‘clicked’ and I no longer wanted to, well, waste my time with goys. Men tend to see the light a little later, as they tend to mature later in general. Just because you don’t plan on getting married until you’re 30, doesn’t mean you won’t meet someone sooner. Life happens when you’re busy making plans.

In this era of ADD and multi-tasking, the art of focusing on something other than our own everyday mishegas is becoming a lost art. Aside from the hand-held devices that compete with actual hand holding, what if we tried letting go of those, as well as other barriers to bonding on that next JDate? This could be crazy, but hear me out. It’s called… hearing me out.

What if we paid absolutely no attention to our own needs, desires, egos, inner voices telling us what else we should be doing, and zeroed in exclusively on the conversation and well-being of the other person? Empathizing, relating, appreciating, learning. Not a one-way street dead end, but a synchronistic two-way street. They become fully invested in you, and you them. From the get-go!

The more invested you are in each other, even if it’s just a mental exercise, the more likely you’ll really start to become invested in each other.  Nice to meet you! Nice to meet you! You have nice eyes. (Or pick something about them that’s nice. Their nails. Their shoelaces. Something!) Thanks! You have nice eyebrows… Thanks! (My eyebrows? What’s wrong with my eyes? Inner voice, get lost. Back to them!)

Okay, we’re still in the beta stage here. Probably a few bugs to work out. But imagine, just imagine, if first dates made you feel good. With apologies to John Lennon, it’s easy if you try.

There will probably come a point, during your online JDate dating adventure, when you grow somewhat tired. It’s past 2 am. You’ve been at your computer for eight hours straight. You’ve been chatting with girls, reading the hilarious and sometimes touching JBlog, and doing other ancillary JDate-related activities like reading JMag or playing the JGames or using the JCalculator.

The television has been on for hours, but you hadn’t realized that it’s still on until you finally notice that the conversation you’ve been having via instant message with a nice, Jewish girl in Milwaukee is a word-for-word replica of the Insanity Workout informercial that’s been playing since Comedy Central stopped its nighttime programming at midnight. “So you’re saying that all I have to do is run in place uphill as fast as I can for five hours a day, and I will lose five pounds in just one year?” I ask her. “Who are you?” she replies.

Okay so the point that I’m trying to make here is that it’s late and you’re tired. Though chatting online with nice women is fun, sometimes you need to go out. Since it’s the middle of the night, ‘going out’ could simply mean using the restroom or getting more soda. Really, though, I think that women can sense the fact that you’ve been on the computer for a third of a day, and that you do this on a regular basis. Women are born with an innate sense of, well, sense. That’s why, though JDate is great, you should go out sometimes. Or buy a book about dating. Or both.

There’s a train of thought that you shouldn’t take things too seriously when it comes to dating, that if you’re relaxed and not “looking” for your husband or wife and just out to have fun, then you will meet someone. I agree and disagree. I believe you need to make an effort to find your dates — improving your JDate profile, expanding your search preferences, going to Jewish events — and you should take that process seriously, but once on a date, you shouldn’t act like you’re on a mission. No one wants to feel such pressure while they’re on a date. You should have fun on your dates whether you know right away that he or she is not your Beshert or if you don’t figure it out til the end of the night. You made the effort, you’re dressed up, you’re meeting someone new — don’t take yourself too seriously and try to have fun regardless of the circumstances. Life is too short. And if the date is an absolute disaster, take it in stride and then have a few laughs with your friends about the absurdity of it all. If the date is awesome, you know your date likes you for you and not for the fake persona you put on.

This Week’s Top Three Tweet-Worthy Events From Jews Who Make News

1.    Kate Hudson Takes To Modeling

Kate Hudson was recently chosen to be the new face of Ann Taylor®. Hudson, who is part Jewish, says, “The new Ann Taylor is not afraid to be sexy and real. The clothes are stylish and comfortable, easy and wearable.”

Ann Taylor sings equal praises for their new spokeswoman. The clothing retailer Tweeted on Tuesday, “We’re proud to announce the new face of Ann Taylor for Spring 2012 – Kate Hudson! #KateisthenewAnn.” In a press release, the company went on to say “She is also a devoted mother, daughter, sister and philanthropist who manages to do it all with a radiant smile, joie de vivre and effortless style.”

2.    She’s A Model Mother

Model mama Josie Maran and boyfriend, Ali Alborzi, announced the former Dancing With The Stars contestant is pregnant with baby number two! The two already have a daughter, 5-year-old Rumi Joon.

Maran, who is of Russian-Jewish descent on her paternal side, Tweeted on Tuesday, “Yes, it’s true! I’m having baby no. 2! So thrilled!”

3.    Is It Over? (Probably Not…)

Bethenny Frankel’s reality show will return in February for what appears to be a highly emotional season. People.com recently posted a first look at what’s coming up on Bethenny Ever After this season. The most dramatic moment comes during a big fight with the Jewish reality star’s husband Jason who is seen walking away and saying, “I’m done!”

Is he really done though? Probably not. Last week Frankel Tweeted a picture of her husband at mealtime saying, “My husband is eating a veggie burger w soy cheese on a sprouted bun w baked fries & veggie chili. This is historic!!” Sounds like everything is still going well in the Frankel household.

Your photos are old. Your photos don’t look like you. You haven’t taken a good photo since you created your JDate profile. You haven’t snapped a shot of yourself with your new facial hair/bangs/without your braces/clear skin/etc. Forget the reasons, forget the excuses, it’s time.

Go freshen up. Shave. Put on make up. Brush your hair. Whatever you need to do to look your best.

Grab your cell phone.

Go to the mirror.

Start snapping photos from different angles, with different lighting, making different facial expressions. Keep snapping away. Don’t stop snapping. Now go upload those photos to your laptop and send them ALL to one trusted friend/relative.

Pick a few that you like the best and compare with the ones your friend likes the best. Whichever are the ones that overlap, use them as your JDate photos.

Do it now.

I found this NY Times article from a few days ago quite interesting — apparently, teenagers and college students alike are swapping Facebook and email passwords as the modern day equivalent to the varsity letterman’s jacket or class ring. It’s a sign of caring or commitment. Some even admit that it is because they don’t trust their significant other (to that, I ask why date them in the first place?)

I wondered about whether or not I would share my passwords with my guy if we were in a serious, committed relationship. I mean, I use Facebook and email for everything and so you could pretty much track my entire life for the last – however many years since I got Gmail™ – and at least 3 years on Facebook (I was a late adopter and joined in 2009). As someone who shares her iPhone® passcode with pretty much anyone who needs access to my mobile, I could see offering up that access to my boyfriend as well. If he wants to read the text messages between my friends and I where we discuss what colour we’d like to pick for our manicure and the umpteen ridiculous (G rated) photos we exchange – sure.

But email is different. Email is business. My little brother has access because sometimes I forget to pay my bills and I’m stuck at an airport with bad signal and he logs in and pays them for me before they’re late. I think one day I’d like to get to that point with my boyfriend too, but my advice is keep your passwords private. If your significant other doesn’t trust you and needs to be “checking up on you” the problem is bigger than you think.

Mel can be reached here!