JBlog®

Make a Plan

by Haley Plotnik under JDate,Judaism,Online Dating,Single Life

To everyone out there who is looking for love, success, and happiness: I urge you to learn from your past, be mindful in the present, and embrace the future with openness. Recently, I heard someone say, “Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude.”

Don’t wait for tomorrow to start living your life. Every moment that passes is a moment that we’ll never see again in our life. As much as that is cheesy, I think it hits on the importance of now. Now is the time. Don’t wait to start your life until you’re 20 pounds thinner, you have a master’s degree, or your loved one passes away.

I often hear people say, “I wish I had achieved success/gotten married/had kids while (insert name of beloved relative here) was alive.” Well guess what? If you wait for life to smack you in the face, it eventually will. And you may be echoing similar sentiments. Today is the day. Not tomorrow or next week. Set measurable, achievable goals. Reach them. Build your confidence. Your mind and body are amazing tools that can be used for so many amazing purposes: whether that be productivity or laziness. If you want to be the world’s most dedicated couch potato, go for it. It doesn’t matter what you do. Make something of your life and believe in your ability to achieve your goals. Being passionate is personable. We all want something out of our life experiences.

Through my many dates, I think what makes people attractive to others is being passionate. My friends sometimes call it “living intensely.” Give yourself permission to take chances, be incorrect, fail, regroup, and try again. Living is what happens while you’re busy making other plans. Plan something great. Even if you fail, you’ll do a lot of living in the meantime.


Waiting to Become a JDate Member?

by Tamar Caspi under JDate,Online Dating,Single Life

Waiting to become a JDate member? What are you waiting for? I know… you’re waiting until a few of those cute prospects view you multiple times… and until you get a few notifications that you have emails, which you can only read if you sign up… so you decide to join, again. But, this time you realize that buying a monthly membership every few months no longer makes sense… and you realize the savings of buying a long-term membership… and you realize you could tempt fate by getting the six month-er just to meet someone after three weeks.

Do it.

Tempt fate.

Consider it money well spent!


No More Dating Advice

by Aaron under Date Night,Relationships,Single Life

There’s not a lot of dating advice left in me — I’m in a relationship now, and it’s something I think less about these days. A lot of the advice I give is common sense. But really, the one life lesson (I’m starting to learn more of those) I always share is be ready for anything and throw your expectations aside.

“Living in New York, expect life to kick your butt,” people told me before leaving. I was ready. My butt was ready. But it didn’t happen. No, the only way life has come at me is that things have gone so well here that I’m staying! I may be jobless, but I’m also being allowed to get my MBA by December — all from the glory of New York. I made the jump to a place where things are vastly different, and I got an amazing girlfriend along with a wonderful adventure.

I realize that I’ve rubbed this in your face enough and that I’m in an extremely rare situation. But, whenever I sit down to write these blogs, only one thing keeps coming up for me — just keep growing and changing. Perhaps that’s why this will be one of my last blogs giving dating advice. I don’t know how much longer I’m good for advice, but I’m going to try to cover other things to help you be a more viable dating partner in my posts over the next few weeks. My advice may not be like what you will find on other dating sites, but that’s what will hopefully make it stand out.

When I got into writing for JDate, I was a graduate student hoping to share about my years of dating efforts. Now, I’m an out of work near-graduate, hoping to network my way to a job in New York. I think it’s no mistake the year I spent trying to get to New York by networking also led to an increase in my romantic opportunities. When you excel at being a person and getting to know others, romantic success is bound to follow.

Romance is obviously a big part of my life still, but I can’t wait to take you on the other part of my journey over this last year, the part that will stick with you long past your JDate days. I’ll leave you with a great quote from Never Eat Alone — “A networker isn’t looking to achieve a single successful union. Creating an enriching circle of trusted relationships requires one to be out there, in the mix, all the time.” I can’t wait to be a part of getting you used to that, and maybe even finding love along the way.


To Have “The Talk” or Not?

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships,Single Life

If you are too scared to have The Talk about where you are in a relationship, then you simply cannot assume you and your new love interest are on the same page.  To assume is to make an “ass” out of “u” and “me.” Basically, bypassing The Talk could lead one person in the relationship to feeling more interested than the other, which is never good.

Here’s a clue: if the other person avoids The Talk or behaves skittishly and skirts the topic, then that’s your answer. You can almost guarantee he or she does not want to enter into a monogamous, committed relationship with you for whatever reason. Take note and don’t try to convince yourself that they’re a commitment-phobe, or just not ready, or even that you are committed but don’t need to discuss it. This is a red flag. Ignore at your own risk. Just don’t say I didn’t warn you.


The Pros & Cons of Dating in “Location Limbo”

by Haley Plotnik under Online Dating,Relationships,Single Life

Dating when you’re in a state of geographic transition can be tricky. Some people have even advised me against it completely. It really all depends on what you’re looking for, and what you want from a date. The more casual you are about relationships, the easier it is. However, these are some of the things I’ve considered when it comes to dating in “location limbo.”

Pros:

• Putting yourself out there

• Getting some dating experience

• Meeting someone who you want to spend time with

• Gaining a new friend or activity partner

• Finding a short-term intimacy partner (if that’s your thing)

Cons:

• Communication complications and logistical issues

• Having an expiration date on your relationship

• Switching to a long-distance situation under time constraints

• Hurting someone

No matter what, it’s important to be forthright about your situation. Some people will not want to date you if you disclose your situation, but you save both parties a lot of grief in the end.


STOP TEXTING!!!

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships,Single Life

A similar situation was brought to my attention by two different people this past week. Both ladies were wondering what intentions their respective “prospects” had with their random texting. These guys would text flirtatiously, but nothing would ever come of it and then they would disappear for while and surface anywhere from a few days to a few weeks to a few months later, only to begin the cycle all over again. Both women wanted to know what it meant and what to do?

I’m just going to be blunt — these guys are bored and are probably texting a number of girls to see who will answer. It’s not surprising that nothing ever comes of it, the guy is enjoying the attention he is getting from the texts and at least thinks that any of these conversations could lead to something more, if he wanted it to. If you are on the receiving end of these types of texts – and you respond – then you have no one to blame but yourself.

Stop answering and the texts will stop coming. Then again, if you’re also bored and aren’t emotionally involved, then why not respond? Just know that it is more than likely that nothing will ever come of the texting — the guy will more than likely disappear and reappear, and you will more than likely grown confused once again.


My Friends Don’t Approve

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

What happens when your friends don’t like the person you’re dating? Some people believe that a good friend should support you and your decisions whether they agree with them or not. Others believe that if you’re a good friend, then you should speak up and let your opinion be known because it is coming from a trusted source who has your best intentions at heart. Which is correct? Neither.

The best approach is somewhere in between. Let your friend know you are protective of them because you love them and are going to be extra wary of anyone new in their life, and if they ever need someone to turn to who won’t be judgmental… then you will be there. And if they do turn to you with complaints about their significant other, then don’t say “I told you so” or “I tried to warn you,” or anything of the sort. Sometimes being a good friend is saying nothing and just being there.


Facing Your Fears (A Guest Post by Richard Stayman)

by Aaron under Israel,Judaism,Relationships

Last month, I went to Israel. It was the first country I’ve visited outside the U.S. For the week leading up to the trip, I was incredibly nervous. Not only was it right around the time when the current conflict got heated, but I was also scared about other people on the trip not liking me — a feeling I haven’t experienced in years.

As an adult, I’m usually not self-conscious, but for some reason I was falling back into old habits from childhood. I went on the trip with my best friend, which oddly enough made me even more nervous. When I finally arrived in Israel, I had to face my fear of meeting 40 new people, and when I did, I became instant friends with everyone.

This experience led me to discover that if you and the person/people you’re meeting are all Jewish, you never have to worry about making friends. No matter how strong your social skills, it is significantly easier to make friends with a group of Jews than any other situation. Why? Because we all share that common bond of being in the minority, and being Jews. No matter your observance, if you are comfortable with yourself as a Jew, you can be comfortable with any other Jewish person you encounter.

So next time you find yourself nervous at a Jewish event, just remember: you are all from the same people, and already share a common bond. Start with that and see where it goes!

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Find Your Relationship Balance

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Everyone is different; we were all raised differently, and prefer a different type of balance in our relationships. Some people want equality, whereas others prefer to let the woman run the show, and still others want men to wear the pants in the family. For many this is due to what their parents relationship looked like growing up. Even if you didn’t like your parent’s balance, it is difficult to break the cycle. Some of it is cultural, some of it is considered old school, and a lot of today’s egalitarian relationships are attributed to modern times with women working outside the home and earning as much as, or more, than their counterparts.

Every relationship is different, and how your relationship is balanced shouldn’t be of anyone else’s concern as long as you are happy with it. That said, you might find yourself in a male-dominated relationship and be perfectly content to move on to a more egalitarian balance in your next relationship. Each relationship balance is going to be different. All that matters is that you feel happy and respected in yours!


Complicated Relationships

by Haley Plotnik under Relationships,Single Life

I was recently asked out by an intelligent, passionate guy who said he wanted to take things slowly at first. Sounds great, right?

Wrong. He also mentioned he was flexible about relationships. What he meant by that is that he is having sex with a married pregnant woman whose husband is also seeing other women. He assured me he was not the father. What was I supposed to do, jump for joy that he isn’t the biological father?

I just want something old-fashioned. I don’t want four people in my relationship. Two people can be complicated enough without trying to deal with the dynamics of other people’s emotions and problems. I don’t find open relationships or open marriages appealing at all… I don’t even get the point of being married in that case. Call me judgmental, but isn’t having sex with others against marriage vows?!? I can imagine my grandmother saying, “In my day, we called that infidelity.” Monogamous relationships are hard enough as it is.