So with the rising temps in L.A., everyone is ready to come out and play at night- models, rockstars, and pests. Some guys simply excel in their ability to bug anyone in the vicinity, and inhabitants of the hills have learned strategic moves early on to avoid annoying gnats. First off, boys, let’s talk about opening one-liners. Asking a girl if her father is a thief or a gardener, or if there is a mirror in her pants is not going to help get you anywhere near her, let alone in her. No number of glasses of low cal white wine is going to make any of those oh-so-appealing lines seem any less appalling. The A for effort you were hoping to gain will be replaced with an F for something you undoubtedly won’t be doing that night. Moving right along, lets talk about sleek rather than street savoir fair. In case you haven’t noticed, girls take more than five minutes to get ready, so don’t think you can get away with a wife beater and flip flops. There is a reason grunge died along with Kurt Cobain in the 90s, and while there is always something to be said for low maintenance style, hygeine also offers some serious sex appeal. If girls are willing to flit across sunset in stillettos, the least you boys can offer is a sentence that uses at least one word with more than two syllables. Any less and we’ll be countering with a one-up au revoir. Any Hollywood chick knows the sacrificial statement 4-inch heels exhibit, so if the girl is willing to suffer, the least a guy can do is avoid telling me that though he’s not Fred Flinstone he’ll make my Bedrock. A one-liner like that and he’ll be socially extinct like the rest of the homo erectus men from days of yore. The right ettiquette can help a girl go from zero to lust in 3.5 seconds, so if you don’t plan on sleeping alone, avoid telling your target that her shirt would look better on your floor- or the only date you’ll be getting is with your tivo.
Archive for April, 2009
Dear Gems from Jen,
I have never wanted to date separated men because I’ve felt they were unavailable. Well, I fell into a relationship with one who also has shared custody of a 6-year-old. We have an unbelievable connection but after a year and a half, there is only small progress toward a divorce. He wants 100% commitment from me, yet he can only give me 50% because he is not yet divorced. I have ended the relationship. I was right; my investment in a separated man was risky and futile. Are there any good rules/boundaries when entering into a relationship with someone who is separated?
Should You Date Them if They are Separated
Dear Should You Date Them if They are Separated,
Separation is a tricky business. I believe the first consideration needs to be if they have children or not. Any good parent will put their children before their dating experiences. That is not to say that parents are not entitled to be happy and enjoy a fulfilling love life, but rather that the children need to be their first priority. Find out what the visitation/custody arrangements are and how you, the dating partner, can fit into their life.
The next step is to ask questions: How long have they been separated? Where are they in the divorce process? Is there a chance of reconciliation? I have a very close friend who has been separated from her husband for over four years. The reason they have not ended the marriage is financial, not because there is any hope of reconciliation. This does not necessarily mean that every separated person is prolonging a divorce due to financial considerations. But, it does happen with some couples from time to time.
Many people I work with who have gone through a divorce or are separated tend to be commitment shy. Again, ask questions. They may not be ready to settle down just yet. It could be that they are just seeing what is out there and weighing their options. Know what you want in terms of a commitment. If you are looking for a long-term relationship/marriage make sure you know what you are getting yourself into and do not give up your wants/needs in order to settle for something less. Only give 100% if the person you are dating is willing to give 100%, too.
Otherwise, the relationship is doomed.
Gems from Jen
Los Angeles has been afflicted with a heat wave and it has the San Fernando Valley rivalling the surface of the sun. This pre-summer preview has inhabitants of the 818 wanting to head for the hills, literally, dressed in their birthday suits and accesorized in nothing but SPF. When temps reach above the cardigan requirement for nighttime outings, it means Hollyweird is fair game for all L.A. club-goers, and if this past week is any indication of things to come, then it’s no doubt that a hot-like-hell atmosphere is approaching. Last week’s Les Deux experience was literal. Apparently the ‘as scene on The Hills’ lounge, was having a two for one special on past affairs. It’s inevitable that in a city so small where everybody knows your name, you’ll end up in a face to face, with a close encounter of the ex-kind. Just when you think these ex-files have been closed for good, you turn around just in time to address the one thing you can’t avoid- your past. Thankfully for me, the close encounter was completely cordial (minus the fact that his newly discovered species was wearing absolutely coveted shoes) and so the urge to annhialte the ex was more than extinguished. In fact, it bordered on disconcertingly friendly territory! All in all, the potentially boiling confrontation was brought down to a simmer, regardless of the L.A. temps. The urge to retreat to the beach was quieted, and the following evenings out with my fave go-getter gals were successful in inducing excitement, rather than being a cause for hibernation. The sleepy season is over and the wild creatures from L.A. are out to play. So as the girls and I enjoy Haute nights in couture, we know our former flings will be stalking new prey as well. As for the inevitable meeting of the exes, if you don’t look like a deer in headlights, you’ll survive with flying colors. Lionesses hunt in packs, so I suggest you girls do the same. Just as faux fur was so yesterday, the same goes for former flings. So, go ahead and get yourself another hot date before your former boy toy does! The season for spring flings is in full swing, and the hunt is on.
If you are a single 30-something, there is no question that there have been at least a couple false starts and hopes crushed in your lifetime so far. Since you end up with one partner (except maybe in some parts of Utah), what happens to the other false beginnings? Since you have decided a romantic future is not in the cards, now what? Is it possible that exes really can develop a genuine, platonic friendship?
I spent a couple of hours frolicking in Central Park this weekend with a recent ex who I see maybe twice a year as he lives on the West coast. Without fail, when we have a reunion, our connection is easy and natural, even after months apart. As I recognize it is a rarity, I am left feeling truly blessed to have this comfort of familiarity that comes from knowing someone so well and the subsequent connection.
It seems to me, that in most former relationships, you respected and valued your ex’s character and other redeeming qualities (besides the physical). Assuming the relationship was honest, communicative and both parties understood the reasoning behind the demise of the romantic portion, why can’t the platonic connection supersede? Although I believe the underlying attraction never completely fades, why can’t both parties genuinely say, ‘Since you are not going to end up with me, I want you to be happy and find that happiness with someone else,’ and mean it? I think a friendship is not only possible, but can turn out to be stronger than you imagined, filled with selfless love.
I am about to turn 26 and live in New York City. I have never dated and am really interested in dating or getting into a relationship if and when I find the right person. I am shorter than average height and do weigh a bit more than I should, which makes it harder for me with online dating since the picture is all you really have to go on when looking at people’s profiles. I need some suggestions as to how to turn this all around in my favor.
I have a lot to offer and am a great friend, listener and would like to be someone’s best friend and partner in life. I really want to have a family and experience the amazing restaurants/parks/recreation NYC has to offer with that someone special or at least experience some fun dating in my 20’s.
Can you help me? Any advice?
To be 26 and single in the big city is fantastic! Your 20’s only come once and taking full advantage of these exciting years is my best suggestion.
Firstly, there is no shame in who you are. We women have so many stereotypes to live up to that it is no wonder we question our physical appearance. I know I have many more times than I even care to remember. What is wrong with being short? I once dated a guy who was 6 feet tall and he always commented on how grateful he was that I was considered short (I’m 5 feet 2 inches). He loved that I would ask him to reach items off of tall shelves and change light bulbs. Men like to feel needed, so this worked in my favor!
Who decided you weigh more than you should? If a doctor has given you this advice then yes, follow doctor’s orders. If however, you are comparing yourself to other women or what you think every man likes, then get that idea out of your head and fast! Men are attracted to all shapes and sizes. There is most certainly a match out there for you.
You mentioned all of the great qualities you possess. Keep those in mind and face the dating world with confidence. Looks fade; but qualities like being a good listener and a best friend last a lifetime. Any man that chooses a woman solely based on looks is a man you want to run far away from.
Spice up your profile a bit. Have a friend take some pictures of you doing things in the city that you enjoy. Make sure to smile and let your personality shine through.
Keep me posted and good luck with your JDate search!
Gems from Jen
Almost all the major superheroes of today were created by Jews, including Superman (Jerry Siegel and Joe Shuster), Batman (Bob Kane and Bill Finger) and Spider-Man (Stan Lee and Jack Kirby). Just a coincidence? To the contrary. The characters were created by the minds of children of Eastern European Jewish immigrants who grew up with the moral beliefs that each man should not be judged based on where his parents came from, but on their moral character alone. The creators used the superheroes as a means to escape from their isolated Jewish communities, and assimilate into the American mainstream. In those days, many Jews endured prejudice and weren’t allowed jobs in publishing, so Jews worked in the less-respected art form of comic books. Today, comic books and comic book movies are a billion-dollar business.
Did you know the following superheroes are, in fact, Jewish?
Captain Underpants – Alias Principal Benny Krupp.
Masada – Although we bet you could have guessed that one by the name.
The Thing – He’s actually been Bar Mitzvahed!
Doc Samson – He’s a doctor isn’t he?
Iceman – He’s half Jewish (we assume that’s the side his superpowers come from).
Sandman – Also half Jewish.
Magneto (X-Men) – Born Max Eisenhardt, his experiences with anti-Semitism during the Holocaust in Europe are a major influence on his quest to fight against anti-mutant oppression. So why did Sir Ian McKellen play him in the movies?
- Just added myself to the http://wefollow.com twitter directory under: #Jewish #Singles #Dating #
- We used to think there were only 4 questions. At last year’s seder, Jason proved us wrong when he asked the 5th: http://tinyurl.com/deylea #
- What’s your favorite Passover tradition? Vote and see what JDaters have to say: http://tinyurl.com/cg82qp #
- What’s a single Jew to do on Easter? JDate is hopping today and it’s your last day to search for the Afikomen on the site, so don’t delay. #
- Hola Twitterers. Rooms at JDate Village (Memorial Day, Cancun) are selling out. Don’t miss your chance to join! http://tinyurl.com/ddxdmp. #
When is changing yourself to please/impress another crossing a line? This topic has resonated with me over the last month because a very good friend is doing everything in her power to impress someone she has dated on a few occasions.
She called me last night and we spoke at lengths about this new guy. Don’t get me wrong– he seems like a nice enough man and treats her well, but his belief system is much different from hers. She is beginning to change her political, religious, and dare I say her moral beliefs after hanging out with him.
I was stunned to learn about her latest revelations and the more I listened, the more surprised I became. I know better than to give any kind of advice without being asked, but this one was difficult for me. After 20 minutes of listening to her ramble on about her new stances, she finally asked me what I thought. Trying to be tactful, (which by the way was nearly impossible) I asked her to share with me if changing her core beliefs was comfortable for her. Believe me, I got an earful after that question, oy vey did I ever!
Her defensiveness only proved to me that these changes were to impress someone else. They were not for her. This got me thinking-how many times have I done this? This is not to say that I haven’t participated in events which held no true interest for me. I have, numerous times. I’ve gone to football games, karaoke, trade shows, etc with dates. Compromise is one thing, but changing who I am as a person is not an option. My only hope is that my friend discovers this before it is too late.
As I have been globetrotting through the tri-state area for my real job, my close guy friend “Dr. Mike” (see previous blog post) and I have continued debating/discussing dating etiquette or the “rules to live by”.
1. Be in THE MOMENT. Always turn your phone/blackberry off while on the date. If you are actually expecting an important call (from a sick relative or Barak Obama), let your date know as soon as the date begins and the general nature of the interruption. If the use of electronics is needed – excuse yourself and do it in the bathroom. I have emailed my date sitting across from me (who was emailing) to ask how dinner was going. Trust me, I’m guilty as charged, but your focus should be on getting to know the person in front of you.
2. Call the woman (or email) the next day if you are interested. None of this ‘wait 48 hrs bull.’ Trust me, it doesn’t pique your date’s interest, it actually lessens it. Recently, a date asked me out on our next date within 15 minutes into our second date, which threw me off guard, but I thought it was incredibly charming (granted the interest was mutual).
3. During your date, ask her if she is a texter, emailer, or actual phone-speaker….so you know how to contact her in the future.
4. I know this will cause a stir for us Manhattanites, but breathe…If your date lives in another borough, or even in Jersey…go there on the first date. A Manhattanite traveling to Jersey for date #1 always scores big.
5. This has been the biggest shocker to me re: NYC dating… the big dilemma of whether or not to meet at the date location. Both Dr. Mike and I agree that offering to pick up and drop off your date is always the polite move. Perhaps this makes your date uncomfortable, but offering can never hurt you (even if she lives 35 blocks away, and you are going to a restaurant around the corner from where you live). Addendum per Dr. Mike: When you pick your date up, get out of cab to greet her.
6. Ask your date questions about herself/himself. It shows interest (think Matt Lauer/Meredith Viera)…but don’t put her/him up on witness stand.
7. No politics, no religion ( I guess for this blog not really an issue), no heavy ex- relationship discussions.
8. When the check arrives, guys immediately move it to your side so it is not awkwardly lingering in the middle. Ladies, make the platitude offer though most feel if it is accepted in the beginning, it’s a deal breaker. At some point as the dates progress, ladies make some contribution or gestures of your own. Relationships are not one-sided.
This past Monday night, I ventured past the hills and into West Hollywood for what I thought would be just another night out of drinking and dancing. When I got to Apple lounge, I inadvertently found myself in the middle of matzo ball madness, and it seems I should have brought a passport in order to gain admittance to this direct import from the Holy land. It was insanity as soon as I walked through the door. Between the jewtastic mob of people and the various exclamations of Hebrew phrases, I was considering adding rosetta stone to my next birthday wishlist. I had several encounters with people from my past right there in my present and I instantaneously had flash backs to the Schmooz-A-Palooza, where a girl can’t walk 10 feet before running into some former friend, bringing the six degrees of Jewish separation to life in a whole new way. Israeli music was mixed in to mingle with whatever has recently dropped on Power 106, and the dancefloor was like a mob scene that could rival Times Square on any given New Year’s Eve. All in all, the entire evening offered a much needed break for jaded young Hollywood enthusiasts and this alternative form of play was long overdue. In a city where a girl can eat cuisine from various continents with all the ease and grace of a seasoned celebrity posessing unlimited funds, she should be able to party like one. My late night IHOP (international house of partying) escapade was a success and had me lusting for another out of country experience. Yesterday Israeli Insanity, today California casual, tomorrow Cancun!