- Now in JMag: The Today Show’s consumer correspondent, Janice Lieberman, sounds off on “How to Shop for a Husband” http://tinyurl.com/onkxv2 #
- Chag Sameach JTweeters! Tonight begins the Jewish holiday of Shavuot. Learn more: http://tinyurl.com/mljf7x #
- Get a month’s worth of dates in one evening! Find a JDate HurryDate speed dating party in your city: http://tinyurl.com/nkon6k #
- Take a quick trip out of the city to a lakeside resort – Book your JDate Club Getaway weekend now! http://tinyurl.com/knu9zg #
Archive for May, 2009
On June 6, 2009, when Alysa Stanton, 45, is officially ordained, she’ll create history as the first African American woman to become a rabbi and the first African American rabbi to lead a majority white congregation. In August, Stanton is to begin her new job at Congregation Bayt Shalom in Greenville, NC, a synagogue associated with both the Conservative and Reform movements. Stanton’s ordainment comes at a time when, according to the Institute for Jewish and Community Research, approximately 20% of American Jews are “racially and ethnically diverse by birth…by conversion or adoption.” And, “Approximately 20,000 – 30,000 marriages between Jews and African Americans grew out of the civil rights movement.”
Stanton was born in Cleveland, Ohio and was raised as a Pentecostal Christian, but believes that even at an early age she was, “a seeker.” She converted to Judaism during college in 1987, and after attending Lancaster University in England and receiving a Master of Education degree from Colorado State University in 1992, she then studied Torah at the HUC-JIR campuses in Jerusalem and in Cincinnati, Ohio. When asked if she was born Jewish, Stanton usually replies, “Yes. But not to a Jewish womb.”
Dear Gems from Jen,
I know lots of women who are either not in my age bracket (+/- 5yrs from 26 this July), or who are currently in a relationship lament that they can’t find certain types of men (that I am like) or even specifically “man like you”. Yet, I still have problems getting single women my age to be interested in me. My biggest “flaws” are smoking which I can understand the women who turn away for that, my hearing disability which I work around, and that I have a daughter which anybody who knows me can explain why that should not be held against me but rather as a credit toward me. I don’t want to have to publicly announce why it is, but at the same point I don’t hide it from anybody. A lot of women complain when men who are obviously not suited for them contact them because “he didn’t read the profile and just contact me because I’m pretty” but I feel I get automatically dismissed because nobody wants to actually know me.
To think I was told years ago I’d make a great father someday. Now I am, and my daughter couldn’t be much luckier (maybe if I had more money, but at least she’s got compassionate/understanding, loving, intelligent, persevering, and protective).
Tired of being told “I would make a great man for someone” and ready to be that man,
Joshua P. Clark
I have to admit I found your question quite fascinating. We women are hard creatures to figure out sometimes. We ask for certain qualities and when a man presents himself with those qualities some of us run and hide. Why do we do that? I know many women who have behaved in this manner and when I have asked about this behavior I usually get a response that is based on fear. Fear of losing someone that seems almost perfect. Some women and men too for that matter would rather not have the experience at all. The fear of losing someone who seems almost too good to be true is too much for some to handle.
It sounds like you are a great catch. Any woman would be lucky to spend time with a man who is compassionate, understanding, loving, intelligent, preserving, and protective. Your daughter is very lucky to have a father who posses these great qualities. On the other hand, any woman who is not interested in you because you have a daughter is not worth your time. My suggestion would be to make it known you are a proud and loving father. Your daughter sounds like an integral part of your life and being proud of your role as a father is just as important as all of the other great qualities you have stated.
Keep up the search, she is out there, you just haven’t met her yet.
Gems from Jen
Sitting at the bar at the swank Waverly Inn in the West Village, engrossed by my date’s company, the ambiance, and the interesting people we were chatting it up with…. I rembered hearing that the Mac & Cheese was Stupendous (“and real”- have to throw in a Seinfeld quote every now and then) though not on the menu– You have to ask for it. In short order, came an appropriately sized plate of Mac & Cheese with a server offering truffle topping. I guess in my naivety, I figured how expensive can Mac & Cheese be. Let it be known that though spectacular, this will likely be the most expensive Mac & Cheese I will eat in a long time.
I was quite embarrassed having initiated the request. Though my date was nothing but a gentleman and didn’t seem to mind or hesitate, I felt embarrassed that it could possibly come off as a reflection of my self entitlement which I pride myself on not being. When I’m on a date, I generally do assume my date who has asked me for the invite will take care of the bill. Nonetheless, I make every effort to remain conscience of that fact and act in accordance (i.e. not ordering $60 Mac & Cheese). This was just one of those honest oops… I’ve read enough guys complaining about women only after free meals, the last thing I want to do is perpetuate that rumor.
And Boys, all I can say is I’m not sure who these women are because my friends’ time is far more valuable than a meal. Today where gender roles can get confusing and women can make more money than men, navigating waters can sometimes be perplexing. But from a traditionalist perspective, know when it comes to the dating world we do sincerely appreciate the effort put into a nice evening and being treated like a lady, whether it includes Mac & Cheese or not.
We are all attracted to different things – looks, a sense of humor, financial security…but what is the compound that sustains a relationship for over thirty year? For me, attraction is not something that can be compromised. Since it is not honorable to go outside the marriage or commitment for sexual escapades, a baseline level of attraction needs to be present. Although, that attraction may evolve and change forms through the years. However, there is something even more important than attraction and I refer to that as my Rocking Chair Theory. Who do I want to be sitting next to on the porch on a hot summer day or cool evening in my rocking chair, sipping lemonade and reading the paper discussing the merits of the newest appointment to the Supreme Court OR not saying a word but being contently happy? When I think of my future potential mate, I always contemplate the Rocking Chair Theory and it helps bring clarity.
Dear Gems from Jen,
I met a really nice man on JDate a couple of months ago. We went on a date and felt an immediate connection. At the time, I was casually dating some other men and told Mr. P that I was not looking for an exclusive relationship. I had just broken up with my boyfriend of 7 years and was not ready for a commitment. He seemed to be fine with my choice. I never asked him what he did when we were apart and vice versa. As we started spending more time together, we became intimate and we made a deal that we would be exclusive in that regard only for obvious reasons. He recently found out that I was going on a date with somebody else and kind of freaked out on me accusing me of being deceitful because I told him I was meeting a friend. Mr. P and I do not have an exclusive relationship. He has never shared with me what he was expecting or what he wanted from me. He recently told me he needed some time to think things over and would not talk to me until then. I feel like a scolded child who has been given the cold-shoulder treatment and I don’t like it. Did I do anything wrong? I am new to dating and puzzled by all the drama involved in relationships building. I do like Mr. P very much and would be sad to see him go but I don’t want to sit around and wait for him to decide to talk to me again. Please help me to sort out my feelings.
- Hurt and Confused
Dear Hurt and Confused,
I can understand why you are feeling this way, however I can also see Mr. P’s point of view as well. The two of you made a deal, but it seems to me a big piece of the deal was left out of the negotiations.
I’m curious as to why you would agree to be exclusive sexually, but not exclusive in the entire dating arena. It sounds to me as if you need to decide what it is you are looking for in terms of a relationship. If you are looking to date casually, then by all means, date casually. There is nothing wrong with not entering into a committed relationship until you feel ready.
You cannot have it both ways. Sleeping with one person, on what sounds like, a regular basis, then going on casual dates with other suitors makes for a very confusing message, not only to you, but to Mr. P as well.
Once two people become physically intimate with one another the relationship tends to change. You both had expectations that were not discussed and now both of you are feeling hurt and confused. My guess is Mr. P. believed you were not dating other people and now feels betrayed that you were not completely honest with him. Even though your pattern with this man was to stay out of each other’s lives when you were not spending time together.
Do yourself and Mr. P. a favor and let him know exactly what you expect and want from this relationship. You need to be honest with Mr. P and tell him exactly where you stand. You stated that you liked Mr. P. a lot, so pick up the phone and have a candid conversation with him. Honesty is the best policy here.
Gems from Jen
Girls are tricky when it comes to fighting. With gentlemen, the nature of said sinful little sparring match is put to rest six feet under with one swift right cross. Before the blink of an eye, and before one has time to assess who’s blood is coming from what body cavity, all is forgiven and forgotten. With girls however, the delightful little duel is an emotional knockdown, drag-out ordeal, filled with fantastical little snide remarks only to be countered with more below the belt back talk. The entirety of the mademoiselle v. mademoiselle mis-match is cleverly camouflaged behind Aquafresh smiles and flirty little hair twists, of which lure in the opponent. Then, just as soon as you think you’re momentarily safe, you’re getting slapped in the face with a flip of the hair. Ladies, our oh-so-daring-darling Miss Kathryn Merteuil was indeed divulging a divinatory adage when she advised each of her fellow Park Avenue princesses to “keep their friends close, and their enemies closer.” This World War III type of altercation has spawned several little allied armies among friends now divided. And, in the most dangerous development since apocalyptic style atomic bombs, friends and enemies have merged into a deliciously dangerous little hybrid. Frenemies, confused by all the tactical texting, severed smiles, and the inability to understand exactly which friends are still talking amongst themselves, are a highly enhanced form of party playmates always snarling behind their perfect little smiles. By the end of the undoubtedly dreadful exchange of faux-pleasantries, the frenemies have painted quite the “why so serious” smile on your pretty little face as well. The friendly fiend’s attempt at getting a girl down however has failed miserably. Because, with one hug (that feels remarkably similar to a death grip,) she’s out of sight out of mind until you hear the ‘she said, she said’ play-by-play the next day. The monsters always come out at night, and in a city filled with fallen angels, where skeletons hide in closets and men are from mars, an occasional encounter with an ill-mannered minx is inevitable. Just make sure you have those silver bullets in your couture clutch. Of course, being armed with a teeny bit of below the belt gossip isn’t a bad thing to have in your corner. Good ammunition never goes out of style.
Dear Gems from Jen,
I met a guy online and we started chatting online, then progressed to talking over the phone. Things were going well, at least I thought, then he just vanished….have no idea what went on….
Why dont guys just tell you they are not interested rather than disappearing?
- Disappearing Guy
Dear Disappearing Guy,
I don’t think your question is unique to say the least. This happens not just to women, but to men too.
I have actually asked people why they would just vanish rather than saying something to the person they are trying to leave. Most people respond with something along these lines: I don’t want to hurt her/him.
When I hear that answer, it truly makes my skin crawl. My belief is that people vanish because they are cowardly and would rather not deal with any potential conflict that could arise from communicating openly and honestly. Anyone who just vanishes without an explanation is running from their imaginary fears.
Do yourself a favor and remember this is not about you not being desirable, but rather, it is about this guy not being comfortable with who he is.
Gems from Jen
- Rabbi Shmuley talks to JDate about his book, The Kosher Sutra & how to create a relationship w/ depth AND passion: http://tinyurl.com/rch6cu #
- Philly, DC, Chi, SF JDaters – Get your tix now for a fast-paced, highly-competitive scavenger hunt in your city! http://tinyurl.com/qe3tfh #
- Will Adam Lambert win Idol tonight? JDate asks which Jewish tv celeb is the biggest breakout star of 2009? http://tinyurl.com/pb4tt6 #
- Daily dose of JFacts? The Beastie Boys, Krusty the Clown, & Sandy Koufax are all MOT! Read more on JBlog: http://tinyurl.com/pq2ktq #
- “Dear JDate,…Christmas morning 2008, Jeff wrapped an engagement ring in a big box…Did I mention we’re Jewish?” http://tinyurl.com/qul94u #
- RT @BBYOInsider HUC to ordain the 1st African-American female rabbi to lead a majority white congregation http://tinyurl.com/qfpbxb #