Dear Gems from Jen,
There is a man who has expressed interest in me and it is mutual. We were about to meet, but a family member (grandchild) got sick and now our meeting is on hold. We still email and talk, but less often. I often see him online–sometimes he writes to me, other times he does not. Sometimes he replies to my notes, other times he does not. I really believe he is interested in me, but obviously he is interested in many other women too, since the ” last log on” info is rather frequent. I just do not know what to do. Please help.
-Figuring Out Men
Dear Figuring Out Men,
I think the first step is to realize why people are using JDate. We are all here to meet potential dating partners. This does not necessarily mean everyone using the site is looking for a committed relationship or that when they begin to correspond with someone through the site that they will cease all contact with other potential matches.
It sounds to me like this man is interested in meeting; however, life sometimes gets in the way as it did with your missed first date. The two of you have yet to meet, so my best guess is he is not ready to commit to just corresponding with only you. How often are you sending him notes? If he is only responding some of the time, then this should be your first clue. Now, don’t get me wrong he could be busy, but writing him over and over might be part of the problem here. Let him reach out and be the one to reschedule the first date. Your answer will be found this way. If he does pursue a first date, then great, he is interested. If he does not make an attempt to reschedule, then it is time to cut your losses and find someone who is willing to have a first date with you.
Gems from Jen
Archive for May, 2009
Dear Gems from Jen,
For the last several years the words “Going Green” have become trendy buzz words. Well, my contribution to the “Green Project” is recycling. I’m a huge fan of recycling–that is, in the dating world. I have met some really wonderful people on JDate. And I recognize that just because none of them happened to be my perfect match, does not mean they won’t be absolutely perfect for someone else. If I recognize good qualities and character traits in someone, I am most happy to “recycle” and set that person up in a NY minute. Isn’t it three successful set ups and you get a free pass? The point being– when JDating, I think it behooves everyone to take the time to get to know someone and not instantly dismiss them in five minutes. Although he/she may not be your prince(ss) charming, that person could be a future employer, friend or perhaps your friend’s future husband. Trust me, being recycled is a HUGE compliment. I would only propose a “recycle setup” if I thought highly of the person and their character. Granted, it understandably may be a blow to the ego if one’s interest isn’t unreciprocated on the original date; however, looking on the bright side, with the “next bus around the corner” notion, you never know where the recycling process may lead you. Happy Recycling!
I turn 25 in a couple days. The 24/7 college cocktail fests have faded into the more elusive and exclusive happy hour scenes, and even though these alcoholic sweet treats start off around five, it anything but qualifies us for the early bird special just yet. For as much as I complain about my mattel manufactured city, I love living in sun soaked So-Cal, even when I hate it. Although drowning in a sea of bottled-blondes and an endless parade of Ed Hardy accouterments can have a girl from the big city trading in her five minutes of fame for seven days of small town charm faster than your brother’s prom date. You’ll inevitably ask why, and the answer is quite simple- it is 21st century shower dating. You lather, rinse, repeat with the same (insert appropriate poison here). We are all so well practiced in the art of faux friendship, that it has transpired into this pre-matrimonial mechanical mess! Drinks and dinners are destined for disaster and star-crossed lovers are losing their luster in search of uncharted territory in every capacity imaginable. Big city suburbanites are trading in their Manolos for Montana’s mocassins, and Vanity Fair forsaken for Field & Stream.
On a couple night’s before the eve of my impending quarter-life crisis, I’m marinating on the idea (lord knows I can’t cook in any other capacity,) that if I parade around on another date with some Smith whom I’ve undoubtedly rinsed & repeated with before, I will pull out my signature pantene locks before they even have a chance to go gray. So, last year’s wish was for something different in general, but this year it’s to burn the blessed Barbie and Ken mold altogether, and make way for a new kind of (hopefully) not-so-fashion-forward fellow. I’ve been so preoccupied documenting the do’s and dont’s of hopefully happily-ever-after Hollyweird endings, that I’ve become completely unaware that the four horsemen of the apocalypse will be here in just a couple of days to carry me off on new adventures in this hell-ridden city of seraphs. Although, with my birthday wish pending, this could just be four prince charmings waiting to happen, but then that would be boring, wouldn’t it?
Dear Gems from Jen,
I met this woman and we had a good time talking. When I asked her for a 2nd date she said she was busy all week, but she gave me an awesome kiss to remember her. I still see her on JDate and she never emails me. Is she really interested???
There are a lot of women out there who prefer the man to be the pursuer. Have you emailed her? Have you called her to say that you had a good time with her and are looking forward to your next date?
If you have done these things and she is not responding, my answer would unfortunately be yes, she is not interested. If she is ignoring your email/phone calls, begin to look at your other potential matches on JDate again. If you haven’t taken these first steps then you need to reach out and connect with her. She may think you are not interested until you pick up the phone or write a brief email.
Gems from Jen
I hooked up my GPS system this past weekend, finally. I got it over a year ago for Chanukah and it took me this long to decide to hook it up. I kept blaming the fact that I was technologically challenged for my lack of motivation to take direction, but really I had simply no desire to spend an hour fighting with the less than environmentally friendly packaging in order to expel the teeny tiny device.
About ten minutes before I had to jet out the door and vacate the val for a date I had the epiphany that this would clearly be a great time to endure the laborious process and like a little blue collar worker bee I was about to start in the field of manual labor (which is similar to cooking, I assume). I literally flew up the stairs and into my room to locate my GPS that was inevitably fossilized under a layer of dust. After butchering the box with homicidal ramgage worthy scissors I was well on my way to a happy little union of future timely arrivals. I hooked up the travel-size mapquest and was on my merry little way over the hill in the capable but ultimately annoying hands of Mandy my GPS voice guide that eventually made Fran Drescher’s seem soothing. I was instantly reminded why I never hooked this GPS POS up in the first place; because clearly I know better, so what exactly was the point?
So everytime “Mandy” (although I refuse to acknowledge her by any name until she deserves one,) told me to do something with anything less than an indoor-voice, I would blatantly disregard the instruction with all the sassiness of a rebellious teenager- just because. She said take the freeway, I took the canyon. In the midst of all the direction being shouted at me at stereo strength surround sound, I still felt lost, annoyed, and irritated. The entire situation was completely reminiscent of my less than organized love life and when it came to hearts I never played the right cards. To appease several situations my friends and I have all been seen dating med, law, and whatever other grad students that qualify them as the good on paper guys that induce nothing but the urge to yawn at the end of the night.
So, in lieu of living a lie, we always end up meeting up for drinks with the guy we swore we would never date again. The faux fantastical hipster who makes the bad boy seem good again. The entire way there your GPS is yelling “are you crazy? please make next available u-turn.” You don’t though. You keep going until you have reached your destination, and you either crash & burn, or re-route to another address. Either way, you’re still young, and just along for the ride.
Three real estate lingo buzz words when looking for that perfect home…that don’t necessarily translate in the search for the perfect mate. In today’s economic crisis, dating can be a financial strain for those with an uncertain future or for those who have recently been part of a reduction in force.
However, there are so many fun activities to take advantage of in a metropolitan city like NYC where most people are living life in a New York minute and there is barely enough time to smell the proverbial roses. For example, a fun recent date involved taking a tour of the west village on foot and discovering the hidden nooks and charms while having a taste test of arguably the best burger establishments in NYC.
As you wander the streets and stroll through the street fairs, every topic under the sun is bound to come up..and really isn’t that the goal? To have an enjoyable time and determine whether or not your values and goals are compatible. Don’t get me wrong; as a foodie, a meal at Nobu can be unforgettable, but with the right person, so can the streets of the west village or the DMV for that matter. Walking the street fairs of the west village, $0. A burger at the Corner Bistro, $7. Good company, priceless.
In the 1989 classic film about love and friendship When Harry Met Sally…, Harry ponders the question of whether men and women can be “just friends.” As an idealist, I surprisingly fall on the less popular division line with Harry and believe that it is in fact most challenging, and perhaps naïve, for a heterosexual man and woman to believe they can be truly just good friends. No doubt there are some exceptions, and of course a casual friendship is common, but I do not believe you can have a truly “close” friend of the opposite sex without one person developing feelings. There will almost always be a phase of the friendship where one or the other (or both) person(s) is curious or interested in being more than just friends.
However, does someone wanting to sleep with you prevent them from being your friend if you never actually do sleep together? “If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?” The philosophical riddle raises questions regarding thoughts and knowledge of reality. Having sexual thoughts and following through are entirely two different things. If the frustration stemming from the unrequited sexual attraction does not destroy the connection, perhaps a friendship can develop with the acknowledgement that there is a physical attraction.
I’m heterosexual and I very much value quality men and their company. But as I get older I recognize it is harder and harder to maintain friendships with my male friends, either because they have gotten married or because we are both single and that in itself can lead to a host of compromising scenarios. In the unique scenario that you do have a “true” female/male platonic “close” friendship, it should be treasured because I believe it is truly a rarity.
Dear Gems from Jen,
I am a smart, funny, witty, attractive and uniquely interesting woman. Those are the written words contained in the emails from men responding to my profile.
I am not boastful, but I need for you to get the picture so you can advise accordingly…I also share this so you can appreciate my depth of insight and objective clarity in relaying to you the facts of my perplexing experiences.
When writing to a prospective profile, I like to inject warmth, wit and a reference to something personal the gentleman has shared in his profile.
This usually yields an invitation to call him.
I do so within a day or two.
I receive a phone call—sometimes a week will pass— and the voice mail message inevitably contains an apology about his business.
I will call and/or write back and suggest a couple of dates and times to meet.
He says he will call towards the end of the week to firm up and is looking forward to meeting.
Then there is no call or another apology and an invitation for me to call him again.
This has happened at least 4 times and the chase is now leftup to me.
Because this has happened a few too many times, I now have short, but sweet email and only one phone call exchange. Yet this mysterious male affliction persists.
I realize I am the common denominator, so I have brutally scrutinized my emails and conversations.
I am an entreprenuer and cold phone calls with interesting and witty banter are my fortay. This is how I earn my money. I have asked for honest feedback and the concensus is a friendly, witty, intelligent, interesting and inviting demeanor is both projected and received.
The irony is these very same men complain that the women they speak to or email will not commit to a face to face meeting!.
So this is my question—— why would a man buy a membership, upload a picture, write a profile, exert energy in email and phone call exchanges, truly sound sincere, excited and interested, only to fizzle away?
I check to see if they are still a member and sure enough they were last on the site an hour ago or a day ago.
I even asked this one guy who expressed his enjoyment with our our phone chemisty, why he would not right then and there, commit to a firm date to finally meet.
“Well, I have my daughter’s birthday party and next week is Passover so call me or I will call you.”
To which I retorted, “Are you sincere about meeting, please tell me the truth, I won’t be offended.”
He said, “Absolutely! Do you know how impossible it is to find a funny, intelligent, quick witted and pretty woman?..My apologies. It’s just that I have been exceptionally busy, but I really do want to meet.”
It’s been 3 weeks.
I am not intimidated to initiate the original contact nor make a phone call. Do they expect me to chase them?
I thought it was the male who was turned on by the chase. I don’t get it. Do you?
Thanks for taking the time to read my sad and perplexing saga ;0)
Dear Perdy Phunny,
Does a woman chase a man? I think that is up to each individual to decide. Do men like the chase? Absolutely, it makes them feel like a man. Do men with a low self image like to chase? Perhaps not so much. So where does this leave Ms. Phunny? Scrutinizing every word she speaks or writes.
Did you ever stop to think that scrutinizing everything you say or do might be adding to your particular perplexing situation? Asking men about their sincerity might make some men think twice about your ability to trust your own self-image. Men are attracted to women who are confident, but not cocky. A question of this nature posed to a potential date could have an adverse reaction to the way one might perceive you.
My suggestion: slow down! You are over thinking all of this. Be yourself. Witty banter can only take you so far. If you perceive yourself as witty then you probably feel the need to outdo yourself each time you speak or write. You are missing the moment if you are always considering your “next line.” Be comfortable with who you are and the witty banter will no longer be needed in your dating life. I agree, wit does come across as sounding intelligent, but it masks the authentic person behind the wit.
If a man is unwilling to commit to a meeting, then by all means move on to the next profile. Why waste your time? There are many men on JDate looking to meet live and in person. Let the genuine you emerge and you will find men who are willing to commit to a first date.
Gems from Jen
A bit more about Sandy Koufax…
Koufax was born Sanford Braun on December 30, 1935 and was raised in Brooklyn, New York. His parents divorced when he was three, so he took the name of his stepfather, Irving Koufax. Sandy excelled on the basketball court as a teenager and played for a team at the local Jewish Community Center. While pitching in high school, Brooklyn Dodgers scout Al Campanis asked Koufax to come to Ebbets Field for a tryout and was amazed saying, “There are two times in my life the hairs on my arms stood up: The first time I saw the Sistine Chapel and the first time I saw Sandy Koufax throw a fastball.”Koufax was soon signed by the Dodgers and took the place of then mediocre relief pitcher and future Dodger manager Tommy Lasorda. From 1955-1960, Koufax was relegated to a small role on the team and posted only modest numbers. After the 1960 season, Koufax began an intense workout schedule and fixed some of the hitches in his delivery. The 1961 season was a breakout year for Koufax and he became an all-star pitcher and broke Christy Mathewson’s National League strikeout record. Koufax would come to dominate baseball over the next five seasons. He won the Cy Young Award three times, pitched three no-hitters (including a perfect game in ‘65) and led the now Los Angeles Dodgers to World Series victories in ’63 and ’65, and a loss in ’66. Plagued by an arthritic left elbow, Koufax was forced into retirement after the 1966 season. Koufax left the game after an incredible season in which he posted a 27-9 record and a 1.73 ERA.
After retirement, Koufax worked as a baseball announcer for NBC for six seasons and was elected into the Baseball Hall of Fame in 1972. In April 2007, more than four decades after his retirement from baseball, Koufax was the final player chosen in the inaugural Israel Baseball League draft by the Modi’in Miracle. The Miracle’s manager, Art Shamsky, said, “It’s been 41 years between starts for him. If he’s rested and ready to take the mound again, we want him on our team.” Koufax declined to join the Miracle, despite the fact that he would have been working on 14,875 days rest.
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