There are some guys you discover, date, and even if the technical tryst doesn’t work out, you remain friends. Then there are those male mistakes that repeatedly seep into your life, long after the relationship has met its expiration date. Perpetrators in the form of walking testosterone that are simply in need of your company because of what they still want and never got. While the fan fare is flattering, you’d sooner get a social restraining order than be in their custody. Recently, I was cyber stalked by a blast from the past and the entire ordeal seemed not only unnecessary – but entirely too random. The relationship resurrected was simply an ill-fated and unattainable quest, and being that the boy is in possession of a new girl, it seems the effort to revive our estranged dynamic was completely conniving. Simply a quest to achieve the conquest he was never able to get in the first place. So since pleasantries clearly aren’t working, and you can’t dance around the kick-you-to-the-curb topic for too long, I upped the ante and explained that the unsolicited attention was less than favored. And though sometimes the repeated dismissal of all efforts to communicate is simply a masked manner of playing hard to get, sometimes no simply means no. It’s not me, it’s you.
Archive for June, 2009
Dear Gems from Jen,
I feel like I am having some problems attracting a man on JDate because of the half sleeve I have tattooed on my arm. I am not ashamed of it at all, and actually want to get some more work done. Since I posted the picture of it on my profile, I’ve noticed that I have been getting fewer hits. I decided to post it so that it wouldn’t be a surprise later on, and I have always felt that honesty is the best policy. So if you have some advice for my situation that would be great. Thank you.
A few months ago, I answered a question from a JDater that was very similar to yours. Historically, tattoos are a no-no in the Jewish faith. However, times are a changin’ and tattoos seem to be more acceptable. I personally know Jewish men and women who find nothing wrong with tattoos. It is a personal choice and I am glad to read that you are not ashamed of your choice to have tattoos.
I applaud you for posting a picture of who you are, which of course includes your tattoo. Just because you are getting less hits don’t become discouraged. People have their preferences and some prefer tattoos and some don’t. The reason we are on JDate is to find people that we are compatible with. You may be getting less profile views, but think of it this way; you will find someone who accepts you for who you are. Keep the profile picture and don’t give up hope that there are men who would jump at the chance to date you.
Gems from Jen
- Ryan Reynolds just made a JDate.com joke on #Letterman!!! LOLOLOL (RT via @ISweatButter) #
- JDate Gets Ready for Summer With a Makeover! Read about our redesign and new features: http://bit.ly/DLGcP (RT @marketwire) #
- Can’t think of what to get your single JDad for Father’s Day? Play matchmaker & give him a JDate subscription! http://tinyurl.com/n9cp9s #
- NEW Keyword Search! Now you can search by any term or phrase to find JDaters who match your specific interests! http://bit.ly/DLGcP #
- Meet Lorraine & Marvin: http://tinyurl.com/nnb593 “Through JDate I reconnected with the boy I had a crush on when I was a little girl” #
Dear Gems from Jen,
I am Conservative both in my Jewish faith and my politics. Why is it that 90% of Jewish women are liberal or left wing? These women will not even SPEAK to a Conservative man. I find it hard to believe that being Conservative makes me a pariah. What’s the deal?
My first question to you is, who gave you these percentages? I’m not so sure you are looking at all of the possibilities. Are you willing to give a woman who is not as conservative as you in both faith and politics are fair chance? Many relationships have, and do work when one partner holds a different belief system than the other.
I believe it opens up the possibility of healthy debates and learning to become more tolerant of other people’s belief systems. I once dated a guy who was much more religious than I, and we spent a great deal of time learning to listen to each other and focusing on what we did have in common.
I do understand that beliefs create passion and can at times cause disagreements, if not full-blown arguments, but I’d much rather date someone that I can have an intelligent debate with, rather than dating someone who shares everything I believe. Where’s the adventure in that?
There are many women, by the way, that are both Conservative in their politics and faith. You are by no means a pariah. Don’t let what you believe to be fact become ingrained in your thought process. Just because you believe that 90% of Jewish women are liberal and would never date a guy who is Conservative does not make it true.
I have a very dear friend who was raised in a Conservative home. She ended up marrying a Reform Jew and they have made it work. She continues to attend her Conservative synagogue and the two of them have made a home together that encompasses both of their belief systems. The moral of the story is they respect one another and allow each other to be themselves.
Gems from Jen
There I was, intently listening to the conversation and…he whipped it out. Not that. His Blackberry of course.
I have polled both men and women and unanimously it is agreed that checking messages while on a date, absent an emergency, is bull. It is the easiest way to let someone know you don’t value their time, their company and something more enticing is pulling your attention. We are all busy and have demanding jobs, but PLEEEASE. No one is that important. If you so desperately need to check who is trying to text/email you that minute – excuse yourself and check it in the restroom. Otherwise, leave the Crackberry at home.
Years ago, I was on a date with a senior political official who placed all his gadgets on the table because he was expecting a call from the President of the United States – don’t I hear that excuse all the time. Verdict: for the good of the country, I was willing to let it slide.
I have this thing about dating dudes from California. Sexperience has proven that L.A. dudes are too busy scamming on their next target, or too career focused in their twenties to play late on a school night. Occupational hazard? Sure, we’ll go with that. Luckily for me, most gents from Los Scandalous move here to make it in the big bad world of the industry! It’s like the universe understands my needs and wants and is flooding my city with a myriad of male options (and since, unlike NYC, we can’t order any type of cuisine at all hours of the night, I will settle for picking designer dudes). So far, I’ve dated dudes hailing from (in no geographical order,) Colorado, Montana, South Dakota, Georgia, New York, Pennsylvania and Virginia (and lets include Canada just for fun).
Now, math was never my best subject, but I’m pretty sure seven states down means I have forty-three to go – and then plus the additional provinces (not to mention three territories offered by Canada for my shopping needs) I should plan on finding a great guy by 2037. Really, it’s like I’m pacing myself. After all, this is a marathon – not a sprint, girls! I’m a teeny bit nervous about dudes from Texas, but I’m thinking SXSW Music Festival would be a great first date. I now venture out with the girls over the hill and through the canyon and expect to meet bros from various area codes, but sometimes you find the occasional L.A. born and raised boy, and when you meet one in Hollyweird it’s pretty much confirmation that hell hath frozen over. Dates from different states serve simply as a process of elimination and a kick-ass lesson in cross country etiquette!
We may love the Seth Cohen a la The OC type, but you can’t beat Southern hospitality, or small town charm, or Canadian manners. Really, I’m just waiting until the Internet catches onto the phenomenon and picking out designer dudes is as popular a practice as ordering custom kids, or cuisine at all hours of the night (and in the comfort of your home at that!). So listen to Phantom Planet and follow in step potential boytoys hoping to star on the silver screen, “California Here We Come” can be the new male mantra! You may not score a part as the star in the next cinematic masterpiece, but you could wind up as somebody’s leading man.
Dear Gems from Jen,
Are there women who don’t mind a guy who is overweight or is that just a myth? I am not attracted to overweight women, but I doubt fit women are attracted to overweight men. I have stopped taking online dating seriously until I lose weight. Any advice.
Such an interesting question! Most women are so concerned with their own appearance and what is portrayed to the outside world is that men are sometimes forgotten about when it comes to weight.
My belief is that everyone has his/her own idea of what is considered attractive. Our society tends to put an absolute on what is acceptable in terms of outward appearances. That is not to say that appearance does not play a role in dating, however, it is not necessarily the most important factor.
I have known many women, both fit and not quite so fit, who have been with men who carry extra weight. Women who are serious about finding a partner will look at all qualities a man has to offer. Weight is just one aspect, and in my opinion, it is a small part of who a person really is and what he or she stands for. We all have images of what we are “supposed” to look like and we can thank the media for that one. Remember, a majority of the models and celebrities are airbrushed, have stylists, make-up artists, plastic surgeons, etc.
My best suggestion is to focus less on your weight and more on who you are and what you can offer in terms of a relationship. Don’t wait to take online dating seriously until you reach a particular goal weight. You could be missing out on someone who is the perfect match for you. Face the dating world with confidence and keep in mind that everyone has his/her own preferences, so you can rest assured there are women who would be more than happy to meet and date you.
Gems from Jen
Although there’s been a lot of June rainfall for us New Yorkers up to this point, the sun showed itself some on Sunday. Even though most of the locals clear the city during the weekends for the Hamptons and Fire Island (ala “summer hours” – a new phenomenon to me – law firm administrators please take note and implement immediately), personally, I think that is when the City is the BEST. Hanging at Bethesda Fountain in Central Park…a row boat in the Park really can’t get much more romantic, as long as it’s with someone you want to be on the boat with (and not drown)…drinks at the Boat House…can it get any more perfect? NYC not crowded as locals head out of town…priceless.
Now, we’ve all heard about the popular practice of objectifying women, but today I’d like to raise awareness about a new trendy disorder catching fire across the nation faster than L.A.’s hillsides catch flame in fall: The maddening manipulation of men. Now ladies, baiting a man in L.A. and actually having him be worthy enough to reel in is hard, I totally get it. You’ve gone through all the scumbag fish in the sea that seem to hold the same amount of worth as plankton. Most have the attention span of a goldfish and that’s not helping our little complicated quest either. But restricting your boy to hanging out with other designated male friends simply won’t do! Rosie the Riveter would be rolling in her grave if guys were giving us the same restrictions with the opposite sex, so why in the world would we do that to them? We all know “that” girlfriend. The grim-reaper-like gal using a sickle to sever friendships that have been alive and kicking for years. Hell, you even make an effort to befriend the new addition to his love life! What do you get in return? A slap in the face, a drink spilt on a skirt, and clearly a not-so-cordial cut as supporting actress. Dude, it’s all about acceptance. Your friend likes a chick, you like a chick – and if she’s smart, she likes you too. Jealousy is a one way ticket back to Singleville and let’s face it, that city is already overpopulated. Ménage à trois are in again and hetero-hangout monogamy is so over. Spice up your platonic life and keep things exciting. You might just get thanked for your attitude outside the bedroom when you’re in there later. Get over yourself and figure out that some guys and gals really are just friends – and in a city where everything is fake – couldn’t you use someone who’s real (even if their breasts aren’t)?
Dear Gems from Jen,
If you meet someone you like in a group social setting, how do you let them know you’re interested without embarrassing yourself?
Well, that all depends. What is embarrassing about being interested in someone? We all have experienced being interested in someone. It is a human reaction and there is nothing to be embarrassed about. I know it can provoke anxiety to approach someone that we want to get to know better, but without the risk nothing can be gained. If you are not comfortable with being direct, here are a few ideas:
My first suggestion is to be yourself. Of course we all want to make a great first impression, but don’t overdo it. Feeling comfortable in your own skin is one of the most important qualities a person can possess. Having confidence increases attractiveness. Be sure of who you are and use your positive attributes to enhance your attraction rate.
Next, use your body language to express how you are feeling. Eye contact, leaning in and listening attentively, turning your body towards the person you are interested in, and making sure your body is not closed off. What I mean by that is keep your arms uncrossed, so that you appear welcoming. Ask questions! Let the person know you are interested in getting to know him/her better. Don’t just talk about yourself.
Remember, there are people who are going to like us and there are people who aren’t. That’s life. If the person you would like to spend more time with does not feel the same way there are plenty more out there who will!
Gems from Jen