Dear Gems from Jen,
After eight months of being off of JDate, I have recently returned to the site. A man who I was in contact with before, but had never met, reestablished contact with me. We had a connection before, but I may have chickened out from meeting him. I was happy he contacted me and even happier after we spoke on the phone. We finally had our first date and had a blast – we spent the whole day together and are planning another date. My question is, if you have an amazing connection with someone and plan on dating them, how long before it is time to take down your profile? I am new at this and really am not sure. He did initially tell me that if we hit it off, he isn’t going to remove his profile after a week, but he didn’t mention when this would happen. His intentions seem genuine and I want to give my 100% but only if he does the same. Any advice would be appreciated!
Dear Curious Girl,
Mazel tov on your new dating life! What a fantastic story. It sounds like the two of you are off to a great start. Take your time and enjoy this new and exciting experience. Becoming exclusive too quickly may not always be the best way to handle a brand new relationship. I am curious as to why you chickened out the first time around? Be sure you know what it is you are getting yourself into. Re-visit the feelings of anxiety that the meeting caused you all of those months ago. This way you will be 100% certain that you have fully changed your mind now about this guy.
My suggestion is to have few more dates with him and then if you still feel the same way, sit down with him and have a candid conversation. You both need to agree that you are going to remove your profiles. Until both of you agree to become exclusive there is nothing wrong with him leaving his profile on JDate. It might not feel right to you, but a relationship takes two people and you both need to be on the same page for the relationship to not only survive, but thrive.
Gems from Jen
Archive for July, 2009
Dear Gems from Jen,
There we were on a Tuesday evening partaking in the fun festivities of restaurant week. Always a great excuse to try some new uber restaurants. The succulent food, eye candy environment, great company, and veritas wine made for a wonderful evening. The one hiccup was the service. Since servers depend on tips which are determined by their actual “service,” it amazes me when it falls below average. Trust me, I waited on tables for five years so I understand that customer service is not an easy job, nonetheless, the one responsibility is to make it a stress free, relaxing evening and deliver the food. This rings true with the higher expectations one generally has when dining at the swankiest of restaurants. This sentiment relates to dating and business as well. Whether it is your client business or a dating scenario, I think we are all seeking to feel special and understood. It seems simple, but it’s so often overlooked by only seeing things from your own perspective rather than the patron, client or date. Small, selfless gestures go a long way is all I am saying. Perhaps, though a charmer, Bond, James Bond, understood this secret the best.
#44 Walking a dog in the park…double trouble and a great way to meet that hottie next date.
Dear Gems from Jen,
I am very curious about guidelines when setting up that first meeting with a person who lives in another state.
When we “click” with someone who lives out of town, it could be the beginning of a long-distance relationship. When the time is right and we begin to talk about finally meeting, what is the best way to handle this situation?
Having never met this person, it is only right to be cautious and not plan to have them stay with you in your home, or you in theirs. However, if money is an issue (not being able to afford a hotel) then how exactly should you work out these details?
I know it’s not rude to expect to be safe and have the visitor stay in a hotel (or with a friend), but I still can’t help but feel that I’m asking too much of someone to ask them to purchase a plane ticket, pay for a hotel only to risk the chance of finally meeting in person to discover there is absolutely no attraction.
This scenario has come up a few times with me and the meeting never took place because of my desire to be cautious.
On the other hand, what if the arrangements have been made and they travel long distance, and reserve a hotel room. Would you prefer, ultimately, that he/she stays in your home?
Dear Long Distance Clicking,
It sounds to me as if you have answered the first part of your own question. Always use caution when meeting someone for the first time. Emailing, texting, talking on the phone is one thing, but meeting in person is an entirely different ballgame. Always remember that safety is the number one priority in the online dating arena. Having a complete stranger stay in your home is an unnecessary risk. Even if you do believe you know this person based on electronic communication.
There is always a risk when meeting for the first time that the chemistry may not be right. It makes no difference if the person lives in the same city or has travelled across the country. Not everyone meshes. This is a chance we all take. I do not believe that you are asking too much. You can always let the person know how you are feeling and remain friendly while they are visiting your neck of the woods. There is absolutely no harm in that.
If you feel comfortable having the person stay with you after meeting that is a personal choice. Significant time may have gone into the electronic courting, but you are still meeting for the first time. A first date is just that, a first date.
Gems from Jen
As I mentioned previously, one of the best parts of my job as Founder of JewishWeddingNetwork.com is hearing all about how people meet. This next story is by far the best JDate success story that I’ve heard.
Artist Maya Escobar was a senior at the School of the Art Institute of Chicago, when she attended a performance art class in which she discussed how differently she was perceived by Latino men, as compared to Jewish men. Jewish men thought she was exotic and labeled her a Latin sex symbol, while Latino men would be impressed with her accomplishments and goals. Her professor suggested that as part of her studies, Maya set up profiles on a Latin dating site and a Jewish dating site, and document the process.
Maya joined JDate as part of a performance art piece, but that only lasted until she received an email from a guy named Loren. Loren had his profile up on JDate for two years, but didn’t pay for an active membership until he saw Maya’s profile. Ironically, Maya had seen Loren’s profile a year before when she was just perusing the site, and thought to herself that if she were to meet someone on JDate, he’s the guy she’d want to meet. Maya was attracted to Loren on many levels – he’s a musician and an artist like herself and it turned out that Loren had been head of UIC’s Hillel, where Maya’s brother went to school. The couple went on to graduate school together at Washington University in St. Louis, where Maya got her MFA and Loren is getting his law degree.
Yes, Maya broke the code of her project, but in a sense she didn’t. Maya’s soul mate turned out to be the one guy who didn’t treat her in a stereotypical manner.
Maya and Loren recently wed in a ceremony that incorporated both the Jewish traditions and the Guatemalan traditions of Maya’s heritage. You can read more about Maya and Loren’s wedding story at JewishWeddingNetwork.com.
Growing up in Miami, I am used to HEAT and I love it…especially the Miami Heat. Summer is a close second to my favorite season, fall. It’s still warm with crisp evening air, leaves turn, football and Halloween…all good stuff. I digress. As I was running in Central Park this gorgeous summer morning, I felt so thankful (a season in advance of Thanksgiving) – sure I would love to have a family and I would love to put my single days behind me, absolutely, without question. But there is a lot of joy that lies in the journey, the process and getting to know yourself that is best achieved during those morning jogs.
#45 Jogging in Central Park or any Park
There are really great guys you date, and for whatever reason, things don’t work out. There are the monsieurs you manage to stay friends with after whatever dating debacle you happen to endure. Then there are the jerks you meet that have you wanting to bolt after you’ve said “hi.” Finally, the most mythical of the courting realm: the disappearing date. The one you meet, everything’s going rather swimmingly and then before you know it, you’re treading water by yourself again – back to square one, and searching for those other fish in the sea. So what gives? This black-magic born creature is incredibly suave, floating from conversation to kissing and back with the ease of some early-era born gent. He makes you feel at ease in the situation and just when you are completely satisfied with you first rate date performance, he completely vanishes into thin air, leaving nothing but a cell number. And clearly his phone is broken because he doesn’t ever return your messages and that can’t be right. So after you figure out that the cell phone provider is indeed the wrong target for all your frustrations, you find yourself back at square one, ready to go on another great date with some other fantastic variety of guy, and hoping that this one can’t hide behind various other forms of Cali camouflage. Or at least hoping that this time you won’t be eaten alive so easily. In fact, maybe this time, you’ll be the one to prey and play him. Evolution is a great thing, especially when it comes to dating Darwinism.
I just started seeing a man a few weeks ago, someone I’ve known for many years, and things have gotten very intense. We’ve seen each other six times and he’s given every indication that he’s very interested in me, even sending me emails that start with “good morning darling” and telling me how he can’t wait to see me. But since he returned from a reunion weekend and emailed me ( again “hi darlin,”) and told me that he’d be back in the city today, I haven’t heard anything and am very anxious, not knowing what’s going on and wondering if I should call or email or just do nothing.
Jen, what do you think I should do and why do men do this all the time?
It sounds to me as if this guy is sincerely interested. Any man that calls you darling and tells you he cannot wait until the next time he sees you is an indicator that he is interested.
Sometimes, when relationships begin with a high level of intensity they can cool off rather quickly. This can occur for many reasons, including; fear, anxiety, and even feeling vulnerable by exposing feelings. Trust takes time to develop and when relationships begin quickly a part of the foundation might be lacking.
Perhaps, after some time apart he realized how quickly things were moving and took a small step backward. I wouldn’t worry too much about the recent turn of events. My suggestion is to sit tight and wait for a day or two. If you have not heard from him after the waiting period go ahead and give him a call, and let him know that you are confused by his sudden change of behavior.
Gems from Jen
- RT via @onlinedatingprofiler: A JDate success story – this guy really wanted it! http://bit.ly/ytXJP #
- #Shabbat Shalom to all, & we hope everyone with JDates this weekend has a great time! #
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Dear Gems from Jen,
I met and fell in love with someone who lives half way around the planet (Sydney/ New York). He is not prepared to entertain the fact that this could be the real thing because of the distance, whereas I would move heaven and earth to be with him. He ended our relationship to be with a New Yorker. I don’t believe I will ever fall for someone the way I fell for him again. It has been 6 months since we were together and I still can’t stop thinking about him. What should I do?
Dear Long Distance Relationship,
I know how difficult it can be to have strong feelings for someone and they are not reciprocating those feelings. My best suggestion, although this may seem harsh, would be to move forward and realize this was not meant to be at this time. Sometimes it is easier to think about what could have been rather than the challenges that are reality.
Do yourself a favor and get rid of any mementos you may have from this guy. Rid yourself of emails, text messages, letters, gifts, etc. The more you have to remind you of him the longer these feelings will linger. It sounds as if you have not let go of this man yet. Now is the time to begin the process of letting go in order for you to move forward and meet the person who is willing to move heaven and earth for you. Start to change your thinking and realize you do have the potential to fall for someone again, and hopefully next time he will be ready and just as willing as you appear to be. A broken heart takes time to mend so surround yourself with people who love and support you. Make the decision to put this guy behind you. Once you take some basic steps to begin the letting go process things will become easier.
When you feel ready, utilize the great service JDate provides and begin to enjoy yourself again! I hope this helps.
Gems from Jen
As friends and I were listening to the Philharmonic in Central Park last night, we discussed the elusive world of chemistry. There are at least three types of chemistry as it relates to the Internet dating world. Email chemistry, phone chemistry and in-person chemistry. The all too frustrating part is more often than not, only one exists. Years ago, I set up a girlfriend with my then boyfriend’s friend. Before even meeting, Jodi and Ken spoke every night for hours for two weeks straight on the phone.The euphoria most people crave with a new potential was apparent. She prematurely believed that based on their phone conversations this could be it. Finally, the fateful day came when they had their first date…and let’s say their last date. The physical attraction was fine, but the in-person chemistry was off, inexplicable and different from their countless hours on the phone. I was bewildered, what could be so different? But time and time again I hear the same thing. All I know is I am not a phone person, particularly when I don’t know the person. The phone is used to convey something of immediate share worthiness and to set up plans. Hours on the phone is not really my style. My friends and I concluded, if you meet someone on JDate, try to arrange the in-person meeting as soon as possible and limit the phone and email banter until after that initial meeting. Use that time for a mani-pedi which is guaranteed to last a week.
#46 Tall skim caramel macchiato – enough said.