We all have issues AKA “endearing idiosyncrasies.” Anyone who blames the demise of a relationship solely on the other person is both naïve and not very self-aware. “He/She had more issues than Playboy” I have heard. Survey says X. More likely your issues weren’t compatible and you weren’t willing to put the effort into compromise. Being able to see things from the other person’s perspective is KEY! Understanding their endearing idiosyncrasies and compromising to relieve the stress is essential for a successful relationship. For a relationship to succeed both people have to move toward center ground. For example, if someone is a scheduled personality and the other person is more of a last minute/non-planner you can imagine how their interactions would probably drive each other crazy. Is it a deal breaker? Not necessarily, but it would cause anxiety and frustration on both ends. Both parties would have to move more toward the center of the spectrum – the planner type chillin’ a little more; and the fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants individual understanding the need for structure in his/her partner’s life. Seasons change, but “in general” people don’t. BUT I have seen relationships succeed because of the desire and the willingness to move toward the center.
Archive for August, 2009
- Success Story of the Week: Heather & Bret grew up only 10 miles apart from each other, but never met until JDate: http://tinyurl.com/mnu9jc #
- Check out this morning's NY Post – "A FAMILY E-FAIR" – http://tinyurl.com/nmsabl #
- RT @JBBBSLA Successful wine tasting event with @JDate. Thanks for attending! #
- 'Is This My Last First Date?' Check out Rima & Gary's JDate Success Story in the Washington Post! http://tinyurl.com/JDWaPo #
- Check out Spark Networks (JDate's parent company) on Forbes.com in 'The Top Online Meat Markets' http://tinyurl.com/mmsy5t #
- Single ladies in NYC: Live The Life You Love – buy tix NOW for our 9/15 expert panel series w/ @SingleEdition: http://tinyurl.com/ltlyl #
- Need financial advice? Looking for an apt? Learn to handle single life challenges @ Live the Life You Love on 9/15. http://tinyurl.com/ltlyl #
- Check out this video from the JDate White Water Rafting trip! Our members had a great time! http://bit.ly/LhkiJ #
Dear Gems from Jen,
My job takes me from city to city and I truly am a wandering addict. I get antsy if I am in the same city for over six months (and sometimes less than that!) In the past, I have tried to lay roots (buy the house, etc) and wasn’t very happy. I am addicted to newness and experiences in every aspect of my life. Am I doomed and do you think JDate is really for me?
I completely understand where you are coming from. The anticipation of new experiences tends to make life more exciting! I do not believe you are doomed, far from it. I think JDate is the perfect place for you, actually. There are many of us wanderers to meet on JDate.
But, you should make sure people understand this about you before going on a first date.Make sure your profile is very clear about who you are and what it is you are looking for. It sounds to me like you need to be with someone who craves the newness. Not in relationships, but experiences. You need another wanderer. Sharing new experiences with another can add to the excitement and create great shared memories. Not everyone has to live the so-called dream of a house, a marriage, two kids and a steady nine to five. These are ideas we are taught to believe are the ideals. It is no wonder those of us who aren’t married, own a home, have children, or work a “normal” nine to five tend to be viewed a bit differently from those who follow this ideal. Create your own reality of what works best for you. There are quite a few people out there who prefer your type of lifestyle. If you truly want to meet and share your life with someone, think about what it is you are looking for in a potential partner, what it is that will keep the excitement going, and how you both can contribute to creating these new experiences. Once you figure these parts out you are set, not doomed.
Gems from Jen
Sometimes you meet the man of your mother’s dreams. He’s totally great on paper and pretty much bad everywhere else. So what do you do when Mr. Right is wrong right now? It’s like, if you’re not a starving artist, or wannabe-rockstar, please don’t call me. Clearly, I have the best judgment when it comes to dudes. So I have my friends on patrol, surveillance stalking me to see who and what I am hanging around. Here’s the thing – it’s not like I don’t try! I totally give Mr. Good-on-Paper a chance, and the third time may be a charm, but the fourth date is usually less promising. So what do you do when Mr. Right is all wrong? You turn him into Mr. Right Now and get on with your life. No matter how much your friends and fam complain, just remember, they’re not the one dating him! So get up and fix it. I’m a firm believer that you just know, so if you don’t feel right with Mr. Right – he’s clearly wrong. So postpone the happily ever after and take a hiatus. Make your love life “to be continued” and use and abuse the feeling. Hey, when you know – you know. You just need to get there – and clearly, my GPS is sorely out of service.
As Britney’s “Toxic” blasted, beads of perspiration fell off my chest as I grunted…in spin class. Lost in my own world, climbing the next virtual hill, I wondered how many of us are toxic unto ourselves. We say we want something (i.e. a great caring relationship) but somehow manage to do the exact opposite to achieve this goal. Is it because we continuously make bad decisions or because we truly think that the same actions will have a different result? In two weeks, I’m off to detox in Zion National Park and the OC – can you imagine two more different places when it comes to the ying/yang energy? I’m hopeful when I reappear I will have achieved balance and rid myself of toxins.
Dear Gems from Jen,
It is so easy to say what you have said about age to the person who asked about dating younger men. IN fact, your response was rather flip.. It seems that men want to meet women who are 10 to 20 years younger than they are.
No matter their age, these men (who are 75+) don’t want to meet women who are 75, but feel like 50, and possibly look like 60…which is a description of my age. So what to do? Please help…..
Dear You are as Young as You Feel: Part Deux,
There are many men who desire someone in their own age bracket. This is not to say there aren’t men and women, for that matter, that look for someone younger, but it is not always the case. If you re-read my post you will see that I did state there are people looking for partners in their own age bracket. It is not just about how young you feel or look. Don’t let the title of the post fool you into thinking I believe it is all about how young you feel. It is about who you are and what it is you are exactly looking for.
My best suggestion for you is to stop generalizing men. Not all men are looking for younger women. In fact, after reading your question I called my father who is in his late 60’s. He is retired, but quite active. He is happily married so I asked him, hypothetically, if he were single what age woman would he prefer to date; a younger woman, a woman his own age, or an older woman. He responded without a moment of hesitation that he would only want to date someone in his age range. When I pressed him for his reasoning, his response did not surprise me in the least. He stated, “Younger women are nice to look at, but I want companionship and someone I can relate to.” This is what true relationships are really about. It is not about what you look like, how old you are or feel, it is about being with someone at the end of a long day who loves you unconditionally.
Gems from Jen
In a city comprised of five billion of your closest strangers, it’s inevitable that you’ll forget a few faces. Then, it’s completely possible that you’ll full on mistake a perfect stranger for a close friend. I found myself on the receiving end of just such a scenario this past Saturday night. I had just arrived at the Belmont, and was warmly embraced by a random dude! Either the Belmont had one hell of a welcome wagon, or this was just an honest mistake. So, being the ever-ready girl on the go that I am, I returned the hug with the gracious phrase, “I’m sorry – do I know you?” He retorted point blank, that he was so-and-so, and that we had just finalized our date on the phone. I had clearly stumbled into someone else’s blind date –and, let’s face it, it’s hard enough to endure the surprise scenario when one is prepared for just such a situation. Now imagine if it were a sneak attack! He made quite an impression on both myself, and his actual date, who happened to be watching the entire catastrophe unfold from right behind us! Not only were the bouncer and I laughing hysterically, my night now came complete with one hell of an ice-breaker. So, thanks to said stranger, his actual date (who besides the long dark hair looked nothing like me) and the minor meeting mishap, there were no awkward silences that couldn’t be handled with a quick bit of wit. If you can’t laugh at yourself, at least laugh at the other dude locked in the simple scenario with you. Los Scandalous sets the stage for a various number of scenes. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst and laugh with your audience. If you’re going down, do it with grace-and you’ll often end up saving yourself and your co-conspirator from very public humiliation.
Dear Gems from Jen,
I am 77, but most everyone thinks I am in my late 50’s; therefore I always meet younger men. My last one was 42 and we dated for 10 years. He was too young for me, but I didn’t want more than what I had. Men my age or at least 10 years younger would be nice, but if I am honest and tell them my age before we meet they won’t even acknowledge me. Should I just forget about it?
Dear You Are As Young As You Feel,
My belief is age is just a number. How old do you actually feel? I have asked almost every person I have worked with this question and inevitably the answer is always younger than their actual chronological age. I do consider that people of a similar age tend to have more in common. Pop culture references don’t usually go over their heads. Memories of world events are much more similar. I’m not sure if I would be comfortable dating someone who remembered Kennedy’s assassination and didn’t understand my fascination with Saturday morning Kroft Superstars. But, that is my belief when it comes to dating people of a similar age. There are many people who are much more comfortable dating someone older or younger than themselves.
I do believe people need to be accepted for who they are. There are many people looking for partners within your age range. I think “just forgetting it” is a mistake. If you want to date, then date! If you are really feeling that uncomfortable leave your age out of the equation until you feel ready. But, if you want to create a harmonious relationship your age should be revealed as soon as possible. The person who is on the other side of the relationship is entitled to know who they are becoming involved with, age and all. Do remember however; not being honest is a slippery slope to a potential disaster.
Gems from Jen
- Thanks for the RT @eskbn: http://www.jdate.com. Awesome site! #
- JDate’s Bahama Break '09 (Dec. 25-30) 6 days & 5 nights of sun, sand & singles! Book NOW – subscribers get 5% off! http://www.jdate.com/bahamas #
- Join JDate and Jewish Big Brothers Big Sisters of L.A. for a day of wine tasting and speed dating in Malibu: http://tinyurl.com/lpzsmy #
- The new JMag is up and running! http://www.jdate.com/jmag for tons of new content, interviews, articles and JDate Success Stories! Check it out! #
I have read a few blogs of a similar nature…….why don’t I get many responses. Is there a mentor or coach who could critique my technique?
I am just looking for a nice Jewish girl.
Dear A little Assistance,
I would be happy to look at your profile. Go ahead and send the link to me under ask our expert a question. Before I look at your profile go through it and read it carefully. Are you being too rigid in what it is you are looking for? Some women will pass right by a profile that leaves no room for compromise. Are you making sure that your profile describes who you are in a positive way? If your profile appears pessimistic, change it. Most people are attracted to someone who views the glass as half full. Are you being too general in what it is you are searching for? A lot of women tend to view generalities as not having a true direction. It is a fine line between generalities and specifics when creating a profile. Make a list of the items you are unwilling to compromise about and keep only those as specifics. This way you come across as being flexible with a strong character. This, in my opinion, is a very attractive quality.
Are your pictures up to date? Do they allow your personality to shine through? If your profile states that you love the outdoors and your pictures show you only sitting at a desk that it can come across as incongruent.
I look forward to viewing your profile. I hope to hear back from you soon!
Gems from Jen