The most dangerous creature stalking this silver-screen city is the actor. You assume that this situation will resemble every other relationship you’ve ever had. The teeny weeny minor complication you fail to notice, is that this particular brand of boy is, in fact, not as easily erasable as other varieties. So, because the Surgeon General has neglected to warn the public about the dangers this type of tryst can cause, I have taken the liberty of drafting a disclaimer. Be warned that if one chooses to engage in a relationship with an actor, or less specifically, any member of the entertainment field, be aware that said sinfully sweet scenario is less than easily erasable. An on-again-off-again relationship can go from third time’s a charm to a three-peat mistake in an L.A. minute. The starving artist you very intimately familiarized yourself with is not a candidate for the hit it and quit it kind of escape, and before you can change the channel, they end up as a repeat appearance on not only your favorite show, but in your life! Let it be said that no amount of drugs that serve to satisfy said starving artist can induce an Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind scenario, and you’re stuck with memories that rerun repeatedly from your screen to your psyche. Beware of the aspiring Academy Award contestants. One day, they’re orchestrating signs to hold on the nearest freeway exit that read “will act for food,” and the next they’re jumping from paper to play to pop star faster than the new Ferrari goes zero to sixty. So, before engaging in a little off-screen action, you have to ask yourself, is it worth it? And when it isn’t, well, in the grand tradition of every actor beforehand, repeat after me: I’d like to thank the academy…
Archive for September, 2009
Dear Gems from Jen,
I’m a 25-year-old woman who can’t seem to get a date. I don’t want to say I’m a gorgeous girl, but I’m really not bad looking. Guys I meet are amazed that “a beautiful girl like me should never be single.” But unfortunately, I am. My problem is this, I always have a “back up” if you know what I mean. I meet a great guy that all my friends and family like, but I never see him that way. I see him as “cool my family likes him, so what?” and then I run to my backup. Is there something wrong me? Will I never meet anyone? Will I always have backups and never the real thing?
Dear Back Up,
Do you really want the real thing? My guess is if you really sat down and thought about this question your answer would be no. Having a backup makes you unavailable, whether the new guy knows about your backup or not. You know there is someone waiting in the wings so this automatically makes you not so single.
Try this; decide what it is you really want. If it is a casual fling then by all means keep your backup. If it is a committed relationship, let your backup go and truly make yourself available. Once you make the decision for yourself you will find the answer to your dilemma.
Gems from Jen
Dear Gems from Jen,
A bit curious on your thoughts about dating 101. I recently had two great dates with someone I met on JDate. As far as I could gather, it was mutually enjoyable for both of us. There were numerous calls back and forth and then another date was set. We spoke that afternoon and he said that he was really looking forward to seeing me that night and that we had a plan and would speak after he was done spending the afternoon with his kids. To this day, I have never heard from him. I even went as far as leaving a message making sure he was ok. I also said that if he wasn’t comfortable calling, I would appreciate an email just letting me know what happened and to let me know if I said anything that made him abruptly change his mind. Still no response. It’s obvious that there will be no communication. So, I am curious to hear what you think about this situation. Do you feel this is common to internet dating? I’m just a bit confused.
Dear Dating 101,
I’m not so sure this is just common to internet dating. This guy went past the internet and into the “real world.” My thinking went straight to making sure this guy was alright. It seems strange that you had been on two dates and had plans for another that very evening. Has he logged into his profile since you last spoke with him? If he has then the safety concern is unwarranted and now it is time to move into reality.
Let’s give this the worst case scenario for your situation. This is a man who you had two dates with and a third planned. He never returned calls or emails. My opinion, he is someone to run from and fast. He obviously has something that he is not sharing with you, not to mention the fact he lacks manners. Whether or not he was interested is beside the point at this time. An explanation to his absence would have been the right thing for him to have done.
I would not accept phone calls or emails from him if, and when, he decides to get in touch with you. The only excuse that would be justified would be a medical crisis or family emergency. Other than that he could have picked up a phone, sent a text message, or written an email. We all deserve to be treated in a decent manner and accepting anything less can create resentment and anger. Don’t give up the JDate search. There are a lot of guys out there who are willing to treat you with the courtesy we all deserve.
Gems from Jen
- JDate Success Story of the Week: Sarah's prince charming proposed to her via a surprise getaway to Riviera Maya! http://tinyurl.com/mefvpx #
- RT @jewishbloggers #JMAG Reena & Todd: “When I sent an email to Reena on JDate, she replied that we actually had met" http://bit.ly/1fPvBZ #
- RT @Revoo4u From Online Romance to a New Life in Sydney: New York Times They met a couple of years before thru JDate: http://bit.ly/4qBYHO #
- "OMG – Our parents are e-Dating!" – CNN.com discusses baby boomer online dating & mentions JDate! http://tinyurl.com/klwcbr #
- RT @JewishBloggers #JMAG Danielle and Kevin: “We owe JDate a huge thank you because if not for the site… http://bit.ly/KtjVW #
- RT @randomocrity New Ben & Jerry's flavor: Very JDate. It's vanilla with dates and chocolate hearts and jewish stars. #
- JDate Success Story of the Week: L.A. Harry & Canadian Patricia make their long-distance marriage work! http://tinyurl.com/kj6lwp #
I must be doing something wrong here. I need decent feedback. I would like to date a Jewish girl, but find myself anything but …
What am I doing wrong?
Dear I Must Be Doing Something Wrong,
You have given me very limited information, so I’m going to do my best with what you have provided. Your first move is to make sure your JDate profile is up to date. Make sure your pictures are recent, your information is correct, and you are honest with what it is you are looking for in a potential match.
JDate is the place to find a nice Jewish girl, with that being said, do not give up. Instead of viewing your situation in a pessimistic light, try viewing it as an opportunity to start anew. Spend some time re-working your profile. Really consider what it is you want and do not settle for someone who is not a good fit. If you only want to date Jewish girls then by all means only date Jewish girls. I realize it can be more difficult than it sounds, but make that commitment to yourself.
Be sure to reach out to all of the women that spark your interest on JDate. Spend some time writing personal emails. Read their profiles carefully and make a personal connection in your correspondence. We all have daily routines, make JDate one part of your routine. Your dating life is just as important as work, family and friends. We all tend to make time for these aspects and sometimes we put our love lives on the back burner. Don’t put it off any longer. Set a time daily that you use to access the site and make connections. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
Gems from Jen
It was amazing watching Tommy Haas and Youzhny at the US Open with elegant slices and backhands, and every once in awhile a drop shot to make the point. They are completely dedicated to trying to be the best athlete on the tour. 100 percent commitment and dedication. I guess when you love something, there is no debate you Just Do It! For me, I view commitment as keeping my partner’s safety, needs and desires equal, if not above, mine. Granted this level of commitment requires the right person, the feeling of security and requited connection, but when it exists there is no other feeling like it. Complete selflessness.
California is pretty much drenched in fiery flame, and the inferno couldn’t be less reflective of the love lives of several of the girls I know. Just in time for the back-to-school b.s., girls seeking sufficient motivation to actually attend class are searching to satisfy said quest in the form of males who happen to matriculate at their chosen institutions. And while classes are still held in the midst of suffocating (and equally ominous) black clouds, the air quality outside isn’t even half as toxic as your post not-so-great-date state-of-mind. So while you’re stuck in class taking notes on what is sure to not help you achieve nuptial nirvana, you’re daydreaming that your love life gets as hot as the So Cal hillsides. The good news about this not-so-staged disaster set in our silver screen city? “Can you believe the weather” now constitutes an actual social starter! So while you’re pretending to take notes when you’re really marking your initials with that of some mystery man – remember that your love life can catch flame faster than the autumn brush. Maybe a little delinquent activity can help expedite the process. Smoke, loiter, you have a myriad of options at your heart’s (literally) disposal. Sometimes being bad is what gets you feeling so good.
Dear Gems from Jen,
Over the past few months, I have seen a number of young ladies on JDate whose profiles caught my interest. I have been using the Flirt feature to initiate correspondence, but looking at my sent messages box, approximately 95% of all Flirts are never actually opened. Am I missing something here?
Granted a response, whether positive or otherwise, would be only courteous, but to not even open the Flirts or even look at my profile seems a little overly harsh.
Or are single Flirts just pestering, and counter-productive?
I understand your frustration. You and I are on the same page. A response would be the courteous thing to do. Unfortunately, not everyone is as courteous as we would like for them to be.
I don’t know if I would say the use of Flirts is pestering or counter-productive, but they haven’t gotten you the responses you would like. You can look at this one of two ways. First, if a woman does not respond to your Flirt you can go ahead and count her out. You don’t want to date someone who doesn’t utilize common courtesy. Or, you could choose to look at the situation this way; many women on JDate are being sent Flirts daily from many different people. My experience tells me that a well thought out email is probably the best way to go if you want to catch someone’s attention. Most of the women I know would much prefer an email over a Flirt. For me personally, I want to know you took the time to read my profile and you are not interested in getting to know me better just based on my profile pictures.
I hope this helps.
Gems from Jen
Today I am off to the U.S. Open. I love tennis and watching these incredible athletes. It’s exciting to see the ball returned at the speed of lightning and witnessing the mental strategy that comes along with it. Is it a straight return or a strategic plotted move in an effort to win the point, game? As far as I’m concerned, despite all the books out there stating the opposite, games don’t win in the game of love. There are already a superfluous amount of rules, competing interests, personalities and experiences shaping who we are – throw in game playing and there is no winner. Every once in a while there may be some topspin or slicing, but it is consistency in my opinion that wins both at Tennis and love.
Dear Gems from Jen,
I have been with my boyfriend for almost a year and a half and the relationship is great, until we have a disagreement. Arguments result in him screaming, cursing, talking nasty, etc. There is nothing that I can say or do to make him stop once it starts. It’s like he turns into a different person. I have recently noticed that he feels attacked and shuts down every time I bring something up that hurt my feelings and he says things like, “I am always wrong, everything is my fault, you are perfect.” It does not help that I am pretty sensitive and honestly believe that if you love me and you know this hurts me, why would you continue to do it? I have never put up with this in the past, but since the relationship is great otherwise and he apologizes eventually and even began reading an anger management book, I decided to stick it out. He even said he would talk to someone about it. I also noticed that anytime I bring something up, he brings things up from the past (things that have been resolved) to justify his actions, as to say…”Since you did this back in June, I don’t want to hear this mess.” He once made plans without me and it hurt my feelings, so I told him this very calmly and it snowballed into a war. Initially I was a little upset, but after I talked to him and he blew up, I was more hurt than anything because of the way he talks to me when he is upset. He does not have a sensitive, considerate, compassionate bone in his body when I am trying to communicate to him about things he could have done better; but he is the greatest guy to his family and friends and to me when we are not arguing. We have talked about marriage, even went to look at rings. We are both ready to start a family but I refuse to move forward if things don’t change. When is enough, enough? Should I stay or should I go?
Dear Should I Stay Or Should I Go,
I am going to say this as compassionately as possible, but nonetheless I am going to say it. What would make you feel as if you deserve this kind of treatment? No one deserves to have his/her feelings turned against them. No one deserves to be screamed at, cursed at, or spoken to in a nasty manner. Your feelings do matter. What you have to say does matter. This boyfriend of yours sounds like an explosion waiting to happen. It seems apparent to me that you need to go talk with someone so that you can find your inner strength. I understand that he has promised to talk with someone, but you are the one who needs the empowerment. This relationship sounds emotionally abusive and you and only you can make the decision if you should stay or go.
Think about this; do you want to spend the rest of your life walking on eggshells? Do you want to continue to make excuses for his behavior? I get your point that when he is not angry, he is great, but this guy has shown you a side of himself which has you questioning your entire relationship with him. Do you want to spend the rest of your life comparing his appropriate behavior to his inappropriate behavior? Do you want to have a family with someone who could potentially do this to your children as well?
I cannot make this decision for you. You will have to find a resolve inside of yourself to make this monumental decision. Please keep in mind that you have the power to change only you. No amount of work can change anyone else. People only change when they want to, and on their own terms.
Gems from Jen