Dear Gems from Jen,
I dated this guy for about two months, and although it wasn’t a passionate love affair, it was progressing in a good direction. I met his entire family for brunch on back-to-back weekends. His parents are divorced, so I met all four parents and his siblings. I definitely got the impression that they liked me and he did validate my thoughts by saying that he was glad that I came to brunch to meet his family. The change in how he viewed the relationship came on suddenly. I asked him to go to my home city for Passover weekend and he was a little hesitant. He then forgot that we had plans the next day. We have different energy levels and I am very social. Sunday, he said he was so happy that we spent the weekend together, and then Wednesday he sends me a text message that he can’t go to my home city for the weekend, because he is not up to it. I called him a half hour later and he ends it, because he thinks that he can’t keep up with me and that he is afraid he can’t satisfy my needs. He said that he can’t handle the possibility of falling in love with me and then getting rejected. He said, “I was out of his league and because I am so wonderful, he has to end things.” My friends initially thought this was not possible, and that ‘he was just not that into me,’ but after his actions since then, it is not clear what to think. He de-friended me two hours after he ended it, had his sister de-friend me a few days later, ignored my text message asking him to dinner to talk, and then de-tagged himself from every photo of us. I finally went to his house to talk to him and he said that he has a fear of abandonment and loss. The closer he gets to someone, the more he has to lose. He said he needed to end it before he fell too hard and then I left him. I have never dealt with this type of problem before. Is this a common issue and is there an easy way to avoid these types of men in the future?
Dear Fear of Abandonment,
Whatever his reasons may be for not wanting to see you any longer, count yourself lucky that you found out sooner rather than later. I know this is easier said than done, but don’t give him a second thought. He is most certainly not worth your time or energy.
I cannot speak for all of the men out there, but, no I don’t think this is a common issue. People do have fears of abandonment, but without the risk there is no reward. If everyone held back for fear of rejection and/or loss then everyone would be single! In my opinion, men who are willing to take a risk are much more attractive.
I’m not sure if there is an absolute answer to avoid men who display this type of behavior, but there are some guidelines to follow. Only date men who display self confidence without being cocky. By this I mean, a man who is not afraid to share his emotions and is also interested in what you are feeling. Only date guys who are willing to do their fair share of the work in terms of the relationship. For example, a man who calls when he says he will call, a man who doesn’t leave all of the planning up to you, and a man who shows as much interest in you as you do in him.
Remember that you deserve to be happy and settling for anything less is doing yourself an injustice!
Gems from Jen