One Beshert, Two Beshert, Three Beshert, Four

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

I’m constantly talking about “the search for Beshert” and finding “The One” or holding off for “Mr. or Mrs. Right.” At the same time, however, I just don’t know if there is only one soulmate for each of us. When I was twenty years old and in college I dated and lived with a guy for a year. Back then, I would have told you he was the one for me and we were going to get married and have six kids and live happily ever after. About a year after he transferred to a university in another state and broke up with me, I realized the heartbreak had caused me to grow up and change for the better. I could never imagine myself with him and couldn’t believe I had spent a year with him as it was! When he came crawling back, I was confidently able to tell him that the best thing he did for me was break my heart. He may have been that “Tamar’s version” of soulmate, but we would have for sure been divorced by now as I wasn’t done maturing as a woman or as a person.

Five years ago when I decided to only date Jewish men and sign up for JDate, my evolution into the person I am today really began. Once I truly learned what I wanted, who I was and where I saw my life going, I was better able to figure out who would make the short list for my heart. Obviously, not every guy – nor every second, third or fourth guy – that I dated could be my Beshert, but a few did make the first cut.

I didn’t – and still don’t – believe that there is only one person out there for you; that lighting will strike when you meet each other, or that you will fall in love at first sight. In order to meet your soulmate you have to make it happen. If you meet someone you like and he or she encompasses the “must have” items on your list and you are willing to accept or compromise on the other items, and the other person also feels strongly enough about you to do the same, then that person could be your Beshert. Your soulmate isn’t going to necessarily encompass every item on your list, nor will you be everything they are looking for – this does not a soulmate make.

When I first saw my now-husband I did feel well, “something,” but I also had to make the first move to get his attention – not exactly ideal in my book. Once we started talking though, the conversation never stopped and that, mixed with attraction that steadily grew between us as we continued getting to know each other, was what sealed the deal. At the time we met, we were both ready to meet someone… “The One.” We had both matured as much as we each could on our own and were ready for the next stage. Meeting my husband at that time and that place was due to a number of components:  Timing, of course, but also maturation and the willingness to compromise.  Is he my Beshert? Yes. Does that mean someone else couldn’t have been? I guess I’ll never know.