In a classic 70’s song depicting a man who is disenchanted with his current relationship, he reads the personals and spots an ad that catches his attention: the ad of a woman who is seeking a man who, among other things, must like pina coladas. Intrigued, he writes back and arranges to meet with the woman only to find upon the meeting that his new lover is his current lover. The song ends showing that the two lovers realize they have more in common than they suspected, and that they do not have to look any further than each other for what they seek in a relationship.
With the internet, there is a gravitational pull to continue looking. If there is a bump, it is over, because you can go online and get 100 new dates by next month by clicking the mouse. The mystery is out though:
The grass is not greener on the other side. Full Stop. If you meet someone who is a good person, is committed, can make your smile, is kind and has the same life goals. Think long and hard, because the grass is not greener, the grass is greener where you water it. Where you put effort into your own current relationship and make that person your priority…So maybe rather than continuing the perpetual on-line clicking, stop and examine yourself and the relationship- because what you have, may be as good as it gets- and that may be pretty darn good.
Dear Gems from Jen,
Three months ago I met someone here who I absolutely fell for. The woman I met is 42 and was married for 20 years before divorcing. Then she had a 12 month relationship before ending it. I met her two weeks after that relationship. We’ve had an unbelievable three month dating relationship; however, she is not ready to open her heart for a committed relationship given her limited dating history. I find it unfulfilling to remain in a “dating relationship” with the freedom to also date others since I’m ready to meet someone for a monogamous relationship as I dated quite a bit last year and am past the “just dating” phase. Should I simply move on or give her time? This is the first woman that I’ve fallen for since my divorce two years ago.
Dear Staying Patient or Leave the Relationship,
It sounds to me as if you have some serious decisions to make regarding this relationship. On one hand you have fallen for her. I know what an amazing feeling that can be. On the other hand however, she has told you she is not ready for a committed relationship, she met you two weeks after ending a relationship and you are experiencing feelings of not being fulfilled.
What is it you truly want? If this is a woman you can see yourself with for the long haul, then go for it. Be aware though that she may never be ready and pushing her into something she is not wanting will only lead to feelings of resentment for both of you. Are you willing to be patient with this woman? Are you willing to accept that she may never want a monogamous relationship?
My suggestion would be to have an open and honest discussion with her. Let her know what your wants and needs are and listen to what she is saying to you as well. Stay true to yourself and do not let your dreams go astray if she is unwilling to commit to you for the long haul. If you honestly want a long term monogamous relationship you may need to move forward without this particular woman.
Gems from Jen
Everyone has a reason for dating. Not everyone has the same intentions for dating. Intentions are the most important facet of dating. If you have one set of intentions and the other person has another set of intentions, problems will inevitably arise. Below are some of the major dating intentions. Read through them and look to see where you may be on the list. Think about what each intention you have truly means. Search for people with the same intentions. This may take time and energy, but anything worth having is worth spending the time seeking.
Recovery from a heartbreak
Having a family
When you do meet someone that you are interested in spending more time with, figure out what your true intentions really are. Make sure you are both on the same page. If not, the relationship will be riddled with problems. Take your time and have patience. The better the intentions match, the more successful the relationship will generally be.
Santa Monica is one of my favorite places. The ocean, the weather, life is grand as a visitor. I’m at peace and in my happy place. Sometimes I just wish I could rewind and get back there and its potential.
under Date Night
I have heard over and over one of the most uncomfortable parts of a first date is the conversation aspect. Even if we are self-assured and really looking forward to the meeting, a first conversation can raise anxiety levels to a heart pounding level. These tips for conversation starters can really help those of us who want to have a great first date.
What do you do?
What is your area of work?
What are your hobbies?
Where is your favorite vacation spot?
What is your family like?
What do you do to relax?
What do you do for fun?
What was the last book you read?
What was the last movie you watched?
What is your favorite television program?
If you could live anywhere, where would it be?
What type of music do you like?
Where did you go to school?
Where were you born and raised?
These questions are benign enough to not scare anyone away, but they also can give you some insight into what the person sharing this experience with you is all about. Remember to pay attention to body language, relax and enjoy yourself!
As I was perusing the JDate profiles one moniker grabbed my attention from a handsome gentleman AKA Lets Grow Old Together…. Although premature in his intention in his late thirties, I couldn’t agree with him more. Granted, as a singleton in NYC I enjoy the social opportunities that I am afforded. Though as uncool as it may sound, a party once in awhile is fine, but I prefer going to bed by 11:00 and waking up early. I prefer outside activities during the day verses bar activities. A double date, dinner party with a mad game of Taboo and a great bottle of wine sounds wonderful. Spending the afternoon picnicking in Central Park, catching up on reading, and watching the row boats equals a perfect day. I’m so over the bar scene. I guess the ritual ground hound day’s life with my partner and dog, sounds pretty exciting to me. For me, there is a warmth and happy content consistency that comes from the notion of routine and Growing Old Together.
Dear Gems from Jen,
On my first JDate experience a year ago, I met an amazing man that I dated for about two months. He was everything that I was looking for in a potential husband. After two months, he stopped calling me and I was crushed. Looking back, I am not even sure that I can call it a “relationship”, there was no intimacy, kissing, hand holding, etc. I thought that he wanted to take it slow but after two months, you begin to think differently. I know that I felt for him more than he felt for me and I was quite sad when I didn’t hear from him again. A year later, I found him again on JDate and I sent him a message. He responded very enthusiastically and told me that we should meet up to catch up and gave me his personal email address. He kept postponing getting together and then stopped emailing altogether. Why would he reconnect again only to blow me off again? Am I crazy to keep pursuing him?
Dear Second Chances,
Are you sure this was a man that really could be a potential husband? As you stated there was no intimacy. He crushed you and now you are looking for heartbreak again. I know if I were in your shoes I would not find this type of behavior husband material. Perhaps your idea of who he was does not match the reality of who he truly is.
What would make you want to continue to punish yourself? This guy is not the amazing man you thought he was. He has played games with you, not once, but twice. No one deserves this kind of treatment. Unless you learn from your past mistakes, you are destined to make them over and over again. Take this opportunity to make the decision that you DO deserve someone who will reciprocate your feelings. You deserve someone who will love you both physically and emotionally. You deserve someone who will find you amazing. Don’t settle for what you perceive to be a great guy. My suggestion is to walk away from this situation without any hesitation.
As for the reasons as to why he would blow you off, only he knows the truth. You can decide to play a guessing game in your head or you can decide that he makes no difference to you. If you chose the latter, then spend your time and energy searching on JDate for a partner that will treat you with love and respect.
Gems from Jen
I started communicating with a guy a few weeks ago. At first I thought his caps lock key was a mistake, but nope, it wasn’t. He seemed bright, wrote well, and we seemed to have a lot in common. However, he wrote in all caps! What’s with that? Keeping the caps lock key on is the same as yelling in my opinion. It is bad online etiquette. In all honesty, it was a complete turn-off. I even asked him what would possess him to type in all caps. His reply, “I want to be noticed.” That was all I had to read before I lost all interest. Remember, caps on, translates to yelling.