Choosing which photos to use in your JDate profile is not an easy task. And now that JDate has given you 12 options it actually makes the task more difficult. Select at least 4 photos since there are 4 profile pages, but you don’t really need more than 6 total. You need to make sure the photos actually look like you now, not last century. The first photo – the one that will be used in searches – should be your best and it should be a close-up of you and you alone. No friends, no family members, no pets. Don’t wear a hat if you’re bald, don’t flat-iron your hair if you normally wear it curly, don’t pick your black & white, air-brushed headshot from your brief attempt at acting. Since you do plan on meeting the other person eventually – and you wouldn’t be on the website if you didn’t – then they’re eventually going to see for themselves how you really look. Thus, you want to look better than the pictures you post, but you definitely need to resemble your pictures. The 2nd photo needs to be a full body shot to prove you are the body type you say you are. After that, the photos should show more about your personality and hobbies and can include other people (or animals) in them. These photos are there to affirm your looks are consistent and that the first great photo wasn’t a fluke. More about choosing photos next week…
Archive for June, 2010
I just started dating this girl that got out of a 9 year relationship a few months ago. We’ve been texting all day, talking all night, have gone out 4 times in 2 weeks and things have proceeded pretty quickly. She seemed to really like me a lot but then after our last date she sent a text saying kissing another person was new to her and she needed to get used to it, but really enjoyed it. After that she cancelled our plans and hasn’t returned my calls. Is this common for someone getting out of a long term relationship? Should I give her some space or try harder? What’s the best advice you have of getting her back into the groove of how we were until she freaked out? Thanks for taking the time to read this.
Dear Rebound Relationship,
It sounds like your girl is, as you said, freaking out. She hasn’t been single in a very long time and moved a little too fast with you because she’s forgotten how to date. She may also be feeling lonely because she hasn’t actually been alone in a very long time. Less than 3 months recovery time after 9 years isn’t nearly enough time to really get over such a long relationship and it’s normal for her to back off after getting too close too soon. Chances are, she’s far from ready to enter a new relationship. I suggest taking a proactive role: send her an email letting her know that you understand she needs her time and space and that you’ll be there when she’s ready. This could and should take a minimum of a few more months. In the meantime, you need to start dating other people and if you’re still available when she’s ready, then great! Sorry if this isn’t the answer you were hoping for, but if you force the situation with her right now you will only scare her away. Good luck!
My friend is beaming..brighter than headlights and I couldn’t be happier for her. She deserves it, we all do, but I’m giddy just hearing how happy she is ..almost a transferred aphrodisiac living momentarily vicariously through her sweet adventures.
Although I think the success of relationships generally come down to at least 65-70% timing, my general thoughts are only on occasion do relationships work the 2nd time around. Usually the same issues/problems still exist unless they have really been attended to and dealt with, etc. (i.e. can’t fry the same egg twice). BUT once in awhile it does happen successfully. My friend’s case seems to be frying sunny side up and hopefully will continue to sizzle at the same heat for months, even years to come. As for the future who knows, but all we have is the Now, and it looks bright and that is a great start.
I spent this last week in Greensboro, NC. It’s the city I grew up in. My sister was getting married, coincidentally enough to a guy she met on JDate 3 1/2 years ago in New York City. The wedding was a smashing success, and everyone had a lovely weekend. I spent some time with my brother-in-law Chris, and while we were shooting hoops in the backyard, we discussed JDate.
Chris had dated a few girls from JDate before he met my sister, Miriam. He said the same thing I have been experiencing; he would meet a girl, they dated for a bit before they both realized it wasn’t working, and then he went back to browsing profiles. Eventually he came across my sister’s, and after reading her profile that stated how much she enjoyed Broadway shows, sent her an email. In it contained a well-written and thought-out letter, which included a less-than-true statement about his own passion for musical theater.
Lo and behold, it worked! My sister was intrigued, and they met for coffee later in the week. He gladly went to Broadway shows, and in return she was willing to give professional hockey a chance, a sport that Chris enjoyed. Of course, later in their relationship, Chris admitted that he wasn’t a Broadway enthusiast, but by then it didn’t matter. His willingness to embrace a passion of my sister’s was enough for her, and in return she did the same for him.
What does this teach us? That you should lie about your interests? Not quite. But I don’t think there is a problem with embellishing them slightly to catch the interest of a certain JDater®. Who knows, maybe you can impress upon them an interest of yours!
I’ve been seeing a man who’s not Jewish that I met on a dating site 7 months ago. We’ve said we love each other, however when we first met, it was Hanukkah and he bought me a huge number of gifts and it felt uncomfortable and overwhelming. He also bought a menorah and a book about Judaism. It felt like too much for me and he felt rejected by the way I felt. Since then, I thought we had moved on and have spent almost every day together. Recently, he was reading my e-mail and saw a letter I had written to my Rabbi back in January where I had doubts about the relationship because of the fact he wasn’t Jewish. He broke my trust and has apologized but feels hurt I felt that way when we had already been dating for a few months and wants to take a break for a month. I want to respect his wishes but I miss him and know he misses me as he did write me yesterday. I’m just trying to understand whether we have broken up or not and if I should move on or if we are truly taking time to figure out what we want with the intention of possibly getting back together. I don’t understand how you can work something out without talking about it. Can you provide some input and help me to understand? Thank you!
Dear Dazed & Confused,
My initial impulse is to ask: why are you on JDate asking for advice about a relationship with a non-Jew? But the answer doesn’t matter, I’m happy to help as long as you answer a question for yourself first: how important is it to you to marry a Jew? This answer does matter. When you first had doubts, you went to your Rabbi. Now you have doubts again and you’re coming to JDate, so my inclination is to believe that religion is important to you and while you’re on this break you should really think deeply about it. It sounds like this guy might be willing to convert, have you discussed it? If you want to be with this guy – Jewish or not – you need to get him on the phone and then in person to talk. A few days apart to think things through is understandable, each of you needs to put things in perspective and decide what you want from each other, if anything. But now it’s time to get talking because you’re right – you can’t work on a relationship without both parties being present. Good luck!
- Best of luck to your JDad! RT @SethTishler My father is telling my wife about his @jdate experiences. This is freaking me out a little. #
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- Today's @singleedition on JMag: Why provocative profile photos may get you noticed…in a bad way: http://tinyurl.com/2822rcf #
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If I’ve gone on one date with a guy and he asks to see me again, but I have no interest in pursuing the relationship for various reasons (for example, I’m not physically attracted to him), how do I tell him that I don’t want to go on any more dates with him without being rude?
Dear Just Not Interested,
I have come up with some great ways to soften the blow of rejection and I am more than happy to pass them on to you! One of my favorites I thought after an okay date with absolutely no attraction from my end. The next time he called I told him that I thought he was great, but that he would be a better fit for a friend of mine and did he mind if I set them up? (I actually did set them up and they dated for a few months before he moved away.) If he asks you out for another date before you’ve ended the first date, poise yourself and simply be honest but polite. Tell him that you had a nice time but you’re on JDate to find a husband and you just don’t think that he’s “the one” and you don’t want to waste his time by leading him on. Sure he’ll be offended but you can go your own way knowing that you did nothing wrong. Just do me a favor and remember to be a class act if you are ever on the receiving end of that line.
Here’s to new beginnings!! Yes it is June and not December 31st but I’ve moved into a great new trendy apartment with a great view and there is always a feeling of new beginnings that come with a move (even one of 6 blocks). I think I’ll just have to find a cute neighbor to assist me in hanging up my pictures. Or does “may I bother you for a cup of Splenda” still work. Keep you posted.
When I moved out here to Los Angeles after college, a lot off my friends came too. Now that we’re all here, we’ve managed to find day jobs so that we can afford rent and groceries, and in our spare time we write and produce sketch comedy, a la Kids in the Hall or Upright Citizen Brigade.
Two of these friends that live together have each already had multiple flings with multiple women that they’ve met in bars, at work, or through other friends. I’ve had one brief fling, through JDate, and have been in the city for twice as long.
Why is this? In truth, they are more handsome and suave than I am, but they don’t really respect any of the women they get with, and the purely-sexual relationships they have do not last long.
I fantasize about walking into a bar, finding an attractive woman, and getting her back to my place, because I am single. This happens to my friends, but never to me. Is it because I have too much respect for women, or because I’m not handsome or suave enough?
It’s a rhetorical question, because I know your answer would be different whether you’re a man or a woman. And both answers are probably correct.
I’ve been on JDate for a few months now, but have yet to actually go on a physical JDate. I am happy with my profile (positive, honest, etc.) and even got a good friend to give me a second opinion. Also, I’ve been scanning lots of profiles, and have reached out to a few girls that have caught my eye (with IMs or personalized emails). But while this has led to a few nice virtual conversations, nothing more than that has developed. So my question is, am I missing something? Do other people have this hard of a time at first?
Dear Inactive Actions,
This is a great question and I think you will be helping a lot of people by asking it. My questions for you to think about are: have you asked any of the girls out? Have you asked any of the girls for their phone numbers to take the conversation off-line? If your answer to either of these is “NO” then you have no one to blame but yourself. If you have taken action, then you need to take another look at your profile and what you’re saying in the IMs and e-mails. Have more friends or family members edit your profile and suggest photos. Check out the profiles of other guys who match your qualifications (under preferences, change the search options so you can see what your competition looks like — just don’t forget to change it back!). Use the Click!® feature as well as the Views, Hot Lists and Flirts to your advantage so you’re not writing a girl out of the blue, but instead writing the ones who also Click! with you or who have Viewed, Hot Listed and returned Flirts. At the beginning, JDate is not only a monetary commitment but a time commitment. There are going to be literally hundreds of women who fit your preferences but only a limited amount who will ultimately be interested in you. Take the time to explore and experience all that JDate has to offer before you give up, because the odds are most definitely in your favor.