My Last College Party

by JeremySpoke under Single Life

I walked by the door, smiling and waving to all of the strangers inside.  There were d****bags everywhere.  I was honestly aghast at all of them.  From the kids playing beer pong in front of me, to the kids pouring Four Loko into plastic cups, to the kids outside on the balcony vomiting, they were everywhere.  I felt like an elder statesman in my polo shirt and khaki pants.  ”Do not continue drinking alcohol, young woman vomiting over the ledge!” I wanted to say.  ”Do not continuously dribble this basketball onto the floor, there are people living below you!”  ”Please stop looking like a professional call-girl, young woman.”

There were so many judgments that were in need of permeating these young children’s heads.  Is this what college looked like when I was there?  Certainly not!  We were civilized.  The women of our time didn’t look like prostitutes!  The police eventually came.  I wanted to yell out, “Police!  Shut this down at once!” but I couldn’t because I would probably be arrested if I tried to explain to them that I was 27 and visiting my little sister.  Instead, I was relegated to the back room with my sister, my friend, and a group of other children.  I casually asked if anybody else was interested in smoking crystal meth, and got a lot of faces of shock.  I’m just kidding, kids. Lighten up, or you will be doing crystal meth in less than ten years in your parents’ garage.

At the end of the night, one of these kids decided to win my sister’s favor by rambling to me how pretty he thinks she is.  ”So, does your sister only date Jewish guys?” he asks me.  It was at that exact moment that I decided to steal this kid’s cell phone charger.  I didn’t decide to do this all at once.  I had earlier realized that I had left my phone charger in another city, and this kid’s apartment had a phone charger that perfectly fit my phone.  I was skittish at first, but his drunken ramblings made it clear that I was destined for a life of crime.

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