I’m 59 and my wife died about a year and a half ago. It seems like every other day I get another JDate Match sent to me of women who are between the age of 35 and 40. Some are pretty attractive! I just keep thinking that if I express interest in any one of them, I’ll come off as some creepy, lecherous, old guy. Help me out here- is this just in my head or is it just outright creepy?
Dear Creep or Compatible,
I appreciate your concern for not wanting to come off as a creep. There is quite a difference in life experience between a 59-year-old widow and a 35-year-old single. JDate matches are sent to you based off of the preferences you both set, so if you want to find out about women a few years older than you, you need to change your age range settings. Once you do that, you need to check the preferences of the matches you’re receiving by scrolling down to the bottom of their profiles to see if you fit into their age range and marital status choices. There must be something you have in common which is why you got the match sent to you, but both of you having a dog and living in the same zip code does not a shidduch make. If you do find that you have many commonalities then it won’t hurt to send an email saying both that you seem to have a lot in common and that you hope you’re not coming off as overachieving (try not to use the word “creep” in a first email). The worst that will happen is that you won’t hear back. Good Luck!
In my recent series of blog entries we have been discussing that there are many different ways that males can attract females online. So far we have discussed the importance of showing some alpha male qualities here and there.
Today’s Attraction Builder: Sense of Humor
Sense of humor is one of the easiest proven ways to not only generate high attraction, but generate high interest as well. There are few things more appealing to a woman than a guy that has the ability to make her laugh all day and night.
Why? It shows a few things:
- Women will know that they will always be entertained by you and never have to worry about being bored in life.
- Many women hesitate to grant a first date out of fear that it will be awkward or boring. By demonstrating lots of humor you will circumvent this fear.
- Being funny shows you are of value to society, which hits on other attraction builders, as well. Being funny makes you the type of person who people want to be around and who women are able to show off to family and friends as well.
So be sure to incorporate humor into all aspects of your online dating life. This includes everything from your profile, to pick-up, to actual dates. Next time we will discuss some actual methods on how to learn to build humor when picking up women online.
I just had the most amazing idea. What would happen if JDate, and social networks and singles websites in general, gave people the worst impression of each member? For example, instead of posting four of the most flattering pictures of yourself, you would post the absolute worst four pictures of yourself that you can find. This may be difficult for models, but then why would models be on dating sites in the first place? I know that the discrepancy between your profile pics and your actual self can be frustrating. You are nervous before meeting people because you feel that your pictures don’t accurately convey your physical qualities. It can be equally frustrating when you go out with someone whom you thought looked completely different. You don’t want to be rude, but it is somewhat aggravating.
This can all be eliminated. Under the ‘Physical Info’, for example, say that you are at least five inches shorter than you really are. Under “My perfect first date,’ say something like your “perfect first date involves fast food and movies at your parents’ house.” Be sure to mention that you do not have a car. Under ‘My past relationships,’ mention that all of your past relationships have involved imaginary dates with your fourth grade teacher and outings with your Cabbage Patch Kid/Teletubby (depending on your age group.) Say that your ‘Ideal Match’ is a chain smoking drunk who is 20 to 25 years older than you with a degree from an unknown college.
Now, you have nothing to worry about. First, you can be sure that your potential date is just as good looking or better in real life. Second, you can be sure that your date will not be disappointed in any of your attributes. Then you can build from there. The sky is the limit when you are a 60 year old, fat chain smoker with little to no education or personal hygiene!
People are very complicated, which means that some people might connect with a person one way, while others might connect with that same person in a completely different way. Additionally, our ideologies, belief systems, standards and priorities further cloud the picture and make it difficult for me to believe that there is only one perfect match for everyone.
In our society today someone could very easily fall in love with another person who doesn’t share their same race or religion, which to some people might not be a problem, but to others it can be the sole reason behind a break up. While there is absolutely nothing wrong with falling in love with someone of a different race or religion, if finding someone you share those things in common with is important then you need to find ways to increase your opportunities to meet people.
One way that people of the Jewish faith who are interested in marrying someone Jewish can increase this likelihood is by joining JDate. Other than meeting people at Hillel or through Jewish friends the chances that you will meet a Jewish person in a bar or at work are completely random.
While other dating sites try to help users find someone who is their most ideal match, and therefore have the highest chance of falling in love with, if you are like me and believe that there is more than one “right” person for everyone, this doesn’t necessarily mean that the person they find for you will be the same race or religion. JDate helps Jews who are looking to date people within the faith, find not only the right person for them but, more importantly, the right Jewish person. For some people, including myself, this is an important service to have.
My JDating® friend Miriam just met a guy who is approaching 40 and has never been in a serious, long-term relationship that was headed for marriage. I found it highly suspect that someone with so many years of dating under his belt had never been engaged, or lived with someone. I understand that some people were busy and invested in their career. I have sympathy for people who didn’t realize they were being too picky until it was too late. I have empathy for people who simply weren’t ready until they were over the hill.
But I question the person’s willingness to compromise and be compatible with others. Most of the men and women I know who are still single and in their 40s are beyond stubborn and not willing to change anything in their life anymore because they have become too self-sufficient and independent. They are so used to being alone that they can’t seem to share their life in order to make a relationship work.
Every single – no matter their age – needs to be open-minded, willing and flexible. There is not one relationship – friendship, marriage or otherwise – that is successful without compromising. Both participants have to be prepared to meet in the middle. I know plenty of 30-year-olds who are just as stuck in their ways, but luckily for them they still have time to learn and adjust before their biological clock starts ticking in overdrive.
In my last blog entry we discussed the importance of showing alpha male qualities when you are online dating. In order to show these qualities, we must learn how to do so. In my online dating guide I spend many chapters discussing this intricate process, however, the following are a few quick tips that you can apply immediately:
1. Avoid what I refer to as “weak language” or “weak statements.” An example of a weak statement would be, “Do you want to go out sometime?” An example of a strong statement would be, “We should go out sometime.”
2. Use your pictures to your advantage. Demonstrate your alpha male qualities by creating a photo album designed to show off your alpha male qualities.
3. Demonstrate and create the image that you are a male who is used to being surrounded by females at all times. This can be done through your profiles, emails, messages, conversations and dates, with ease. There are hundreds of subtle ways to infuse this into your online dating life.
One example: Spike your stories with subtle details that create the image of women being in your life at all times.
In my next entry we move on to building attraction through humor.
under Online Dating
When my mom first learned about online dating her initial reaction was exceedingly positive. Not only did she find the idea interesting, but soon after discovering how easy and mainstream it was, she began encouraging my sister and me to sign up. Her logic was that you can meet so many more people online, and get to know them in a relaxed way and at your own pace.
She instantly could see the benefits of online dating since she relied on meeting people through friends, at work or in bars. Furthermore, she understands that for many people, her own children included, bars are not the ideal place to interact and develop an initial meaningful connection with someone. The other aspect of online that she appreciated was that it identified people who were single and looking to date with the idea that a serious relationship could develop.
My sister was the first to take my mom’s advice and try online dating, and had varying degrees of success before meeting her current serious boyfriend on JDate. After hearing about all of the interesting people she met, and dates she went on, it didn’t take much coaxing for me to dip my toe into the online dating pool. Even though I have been exploring online dating for several months, and have yet to meet Ms. Right, I have still met some fascinating people and had a lot of fun.
Even though online dating is the primary way that I am currently trying to meet women that doesn’t mean that I have abandoned all other methods. Through the perspective that was initially shared with me by my mom I have realized that I am fortunate to have the opportunity to meet people online because it has opened up my dating life and given me another way to meet people that she didn’t have.
I am beginning to understand how keeping Kosher is possible, despite the existence of bacon. For a long time (27 years), I was convinced that keeping Kosher was impossible. My brother is an Orthodox Jew, living in Israel. He is in the process of becoming a rabbi. He keeps strict Kosher rules bordering on self-torture and I fear he is malnourished. In the states, his choice of restaurants is severely limited. In Houston, for example, he is confined to about four establishments.
Flash backwards 15 years (TV segue ‘whoosh’ sound). My immediate family sits down for dinner at a salad bar. My little brother sits down with a plate full of only lettuce and bacon pieces. My dad explains to him that, as a child, he is forbidden from eating pork. ”Why?” asks Andy. ”I don’t know. Never question irrational, outdated rules,” he answers. ”Be careful what you wish for, Dad.” ”I’m not wishing for anything, I’m just telling you that as a Jew, you’re not supposed to eat pork, among other things.” ”I take your challenge, and accept it. You have no idea what I will become.” ”Good, let your hate consume you. Give in to it. Then, you will be one of us.”
Whoa don’t know where that came from. The real conversation was a lot more normal, and a lot less Star Wars. My father was raised as a Conservative Jew. I remember his father once telling me to not eat bacon. I thought he was joking. ”Haha Papa,” I would say. ”You must be kidding. For nothing will ever come between crispy, salty strips of pure cholesterol and me.” Why would G-d be so cruel as to deprive His people of His most magnificent creation? That’s right, bacon was more important than the invention of human beings, and buffalo wings.
If you are reading this, and have never eaten pork products (most importantly bacon), I am not trying to tempt you to break your moral code. I am saying that bacon is so delicious that it transcends food, and belongs in a category all its own. I understand that the only way that religious Jews can keep from eating bacon is to never try it in the first place. Therefore, they will not be tempted by the intoxicating grasp that it has on my soul. It is to food what Charlize Theron is to women. Keep in mind, neither is Kosher.
Last summer I created a free JDate profile without a picture. In December I decided to pay for the membership and I got two e-mails from back in July. I answered one of them and for a day I was on cloud nine. But the next day I received an e-mail from the guy and he said we were in different places in our lives. He wished me luck and that was the last I am going to hear from him. I thought we had a lot in common and we live in the same town. I lost my husband and this guy is also a widower and this is my first time venturing out and trying to date. I don’t know what I said exactly in the two or three e-mails that I sent to him, but I must have said something to turn him off to me. Now, I am afraid to contact anyone else. I am afraid of rejection in short. How do I get over this?
Dear E-mail Denial,
A lot of time has passed between when the guy initially e-mailed you and now and you have no way of knowing what has occurred in his life since then. I would write the guy one more e-mail and let him know that if he changes his mind you’d love to hear from him, as you have a lot in common. That’s all you can do and afterwards you need to move on. It sucks but unfortunately that’s the risk you take not paying for a membership and being able to read your e-mail and contact people. Don’t be afraid to contact anyone else… if you have such commonalities with this guy, you will find another one, if not two, three or four more men. Being afraid of rejection is normal, but if you want to meet someone you have to take that risk and not take it personally if someone isn’t interested. Believe me, you will be approached by many a man whom you will not be interested in!
You can lead a camel to water but you can’t make it drink. The same goes for men. I can deliver a Perfect 10 Jewish goddess to a man’s doorstep, but I can’t make him call her.
Such was the case with Lawrence. Lawrence is a great guy: besides being really nice and having good morals, he’s also a successful accountant who owns his own place, has a fantastic sense of humor and a nice head of hair. His only drawbacks are his height – a whopping 5’2 – and his age – 39. Neither make him a lost cause, but those stats have made it somewhat difficult for him on JDate. Luckily he’s open to being set-up… or so I thought.
I consulted my database of single friends and found one girl in particular whom I thought was beyond perfect. Marissa is tiny and petite, just barely 5 feet and probably 100 pounds soaking wet, in her early 30’s and besides having a thriving career as a therapist, she’s also a lot of fun. Her family is active in the community and has a reputation for being a group of super duper nice people. Feeling like I had hit this one on the nose, I started facilitating the match.
I told each of them about each other and they both sounded excited and receptive. I told Marissa that Lawrence would call her and she agreed to let me give him her number. So Lawrence has Marissa’s number… but didn’t use it. One, two, three weeks went by and nothing. I ran into Marissa and she asked what was up and I didn’t have an excuse. Lawrence said he was interested in her so why hadn’t he dialed her number? When I approached him about it, he said again that he would call her and again failed to with no excuse. At this point Marissa was done, she felt rejected and had written him off as a loser. I told Lawrence that, since he screwed up, if he was still interested then he needed to call her and keep calling her until she answered and agreed to go out with him.
What did he do with my advice? He texted her. I seriously could strangle him. Now I realize why he’s about to turn 40 and is as lonely as the last macaroon in the tin after Passover. Marissa was smart enough not to answer the text and I advised her to disregard it and to give him a second (third? fourth?) chance after he put forth some effort. Then I gave Lawrence specific instructions to call her and leave a message and then wait two days and call her again. We’ll see if that happens. I don’t know who is more frustrated – me or Marissa. I’ve now realized that the only person holding Lawrence back from being in a successful relationship is Lawrence himself. If he calls Marissa, I hope she will give him a chance after giving him crap for waiting so long. But I’m not ever setting Lawrence up with another girl just to hurt her feelings before he’s even met her.