Archive for July, 2011

Don’t Drink and Date

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

There’s nothing worse than someone who gets drunk on a 1st JDate. There you are: you’ve both taken the time to make a profile, sought each other out, connected, made plans, met up, and now your date is plastered. It doesn’t matter if the date was going great or was a bust, it’s just awkward and bad manners. There’s a reason why The Millionaire Matchmaker Patti Stanger has a 2 drink maximum rule as part of her 10 Dating Commandments — people lose clarity, let their inhibitions down and start to act a fool. You do things and say things you wouldn’t normally do or say and are probably going to end being quite embarrassed once you sober up. Another dating expert named Rich Santos says the same thing: “Alcohol should be introduced into the relationship slowly.” A drink or two allows you to relax and acts as a social lubricant. You can have a glass of wine or champagne for romantic effect, but leave the body shots and and puking for a different night.


What Are You Really Saying?

by RollingStone9862 under Relationships

How can you tell if the reason someone is breaking your date is the truth or just an excuse to get out of going out with you? Since most of the planning for my dates is done via text message it is often difficult to interpret the true tone of what the other person is saying. Additionally, since it is common practice nowadays to throw around exclamation points and smiling faces in text messages it is also difficult to tell whether someone is truly expressing excitement in what they’re saying or if that’s just how they end all of their messages.

Personally I try to be straightforward in my texts since it can be very easy for people to misinterpret the messages they receive. Also, I try to maintain a good rapport and vibe with my texting leading up to the first date so that we can build a stream of momentum that will hopefully carry over once we meet. However what happens when out of the blue you receive a text cancelling your date due to a seemingly reasonable excuse such as that they had to work late? How am I supposed to interpret this information in the moment so that I don’t get down on myself by thinking I did something wrong?

Obviously it’s believable that the person you are supposed to go out on a date with had to unexpectedly work late; but it is also reasonable to assume an excuse this convenient could signal they were just looking for a way out of the date that didn’t hurt your feelings. Either way the bigger problem I have with this situation is what I am supposed to do following their cancellation? Personally I think that if you cancel a date, for whatever reason, you should be the one who initiates rescheduling it. Yet I would never want my silence or passive behavior to indicate to the other person that I am no longer interested.

On the other hand if they were trying to cancel our date because they no longer wanted to go out I don’t want to look foolish by continuing to message them when they are trying to push me away without hurting my feelings. Ultimately there is no ideal way to handle these types of situations and I guess it really comes down to whether or not your previous dating experiences have led you to be as skeptical of these kinds of excuses as they have for me. In the end the only thing you can really do is to wait and see how they handle things after cancelling your date because if two days later you don’t hear from them then you probably have your answer.

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Miracle

by JeremySpoke under Date Night,JDate

A miracle happened last Friday.

It was early afternoon and I had already assumed the worst.  A month earlier I had created a Facebook® event that served as an open casting call to go on a date with me if I lost 25 pounds.  I was somehow able to lose the weight.  However, though twenty something people RSVPd, only about seven were girls.  Out of that seven, approximately zero actually agreed to go out with me on that night.  I sat in my bedroom and accepted the worst.

After about an hour, I got a text message.  I assumed it was a spam email because my phone’s beeping noise doesn’t differentiate between emails and text messages despite my insistence that it clearly define them.  The message was from a girl on JDate whom I had been chatting with for a few days.  Unaware of the day’s significance, she invited me to an impromptu movie.  I immediately smiled and assumed this was the universe paying me back for the last 27 years.

The movie was terrible, but it didn’t matter.  Also, I wasn’t really worried about whether or not she’d want to go out again.  Okay I was totally worried about that.  However, the only thing that mattered at that moment was the fact that I had a date on a night I had prematurely decided was a failure.  I still got to enjoy my reward for losing weight.

My next Facebook event will be for my final 25 pounds.  In exactly one month from today, I am going to marry somebody.  If nobody decides to RSVP, I’ll take anyone who randomly messages me on August 15.

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Bad Mood Blues

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

If you’re scheduled to go on a date and you’re not in a good mood or are not feeling well, it’s probably a good idea to reschedule. Don’t tell your date you’re not in a good mood, just say you’re feeling under the weather and want to see him or her in a few days once you’ve gotten some rest and are feeling better. Make sure to reschedule then and there so that your date doesn’t think you’re not interested and are trying to blow him or her off. When you’re going on a 1st JDate you want to be at your best, mentally too. If you’re down in the dumps, it doesn’t matter how great your date is you’re not going to be into it. Any chemistry you would have won’t flourish. Don’t waste your time or the opportunity. Reschedule and get yourself in the right frame of mind in time for the new date. And if the date happens to suck, you can say you’re still not feeling well and excuse yourself to go home early.


JDatin’ on the Down Low

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

About six years ago I was perusing my JDate matches at work and saw a familiar face. It belonged to the guy sitting in an office down the hall. Awkward! Besides the fact that I didn’t know he was Jewish or even single, do I let him know that I know he’s on JDate and, in fact, is one of my matches? As it happened I didn’t have to do anything. We started talking organically and although I already knew more about him from his JDate profile, I didn’t let on. But because I knew certain things about him — like the fact that he was Jewish, single and willing to be on JDate — I saw him differently. When he asked me out I happily accepted and only on our second date did I let him in on my secret. Of course, it didn’t work out for us, but for a time our relationship was all credit to JDate even though we didn’t technically meet there. JDate is a great way to do a background check on someone you meet elsewhere. Yeah, it can be considered cheating, but it also can give you some insight as to their personality and your commonalities and that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Just be careful during conversation that you don’t let on to your sneaky ways.


Weight Loss Challenge: Day 24

by JeremySpoke under Date Night

My long-awaited date is only a day away.  In preparation of the festivities, I have gone down my list of potential dates.  First, I eliminated all of my male friends who signed up as a joke.  Next, I took out all of the women who do not live in the same city.  I was then left with three contestants.  I emailed them and asked if they could still come. All three of them refused to go.  Well, they didn’t just say ‘no.’ They sugar-coated it with excuses like “I’m married” or “I’m your mother.”  Truthfully, the excuses were not that barefaced but were equally hurtful.

Now I’m back to where I was two months ago, only 43 pounds thinner.  Though I do not have a date for Friday, I do have a lifetime of not having a heart attack or Diabetes.  Also, I will be able to go shirtless in appropriate places like swimming pools, beaches and libraries.  I am now sweating less and have more energy.  However, I have yet to find the need for more energy.  My average day consists of waking up, showering, working and driving home.  Not one of those activities requires more energy than I already had as an overweight twentysomething.

So I go back to square one and scour JDate for dates in Houston.  Though the date will probably not happen, I am a happier person than I was two months ago.  I hear that life is easier as a thin person, and I am excited about that prospect.  I haven’t been out anywhere besides work and Subway® yet.  Hopefully, being thin precludes me from having to talk to girls.  They will just naturally flock to me and give me things.  But first I have to eat this Subway® sandwich.

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Of All The Names In The Hat…

by RollingStone9862 under Relationships

When you sign up for online dating one of the features that most sites offer is that they will periodically send you suggestions via email of people they believe most closely fit who you are looking for. Some sites might have you answer a long list of questions and then, using a complicated algorithm, send you the people they think you might be interested in. But others have methods that are much less scientific and more random.

Like everything else with dating I think that this process, no matter who scientific a given site might try to make it seem, is very hit or miss since I have been sent matches who I’ve ended up contacting and others I wasn’t interested in at all. However, regardless of the success rate, sending people matches is a tool that sites employ to help users be exposed to more people and hopefully help foster more relationships.

I am currently in the process of looking for an apartment with two other friends of mine (one male and one female) and recently, after spending some time together looking for places, I called my female friend when I got home to ask her a question I had forgotten to ask while we were together. While we were generally chatting I opened up my laptop and began checking my email only to discover a dating website had sent me a fresh set of matches.

Since I am always very interested to see who the website thinks I will be compatible with I logged on, while we were still talking, in order to check. After briefly skimming through the profiles of the first two matches I determined I wasn’t really interested in them so I moved onto the third who, from the small profile picture, looked cute. The page took a little longer than normal to load since the Internet connection in my room is sometimes spotty. But once the page came up I immediately recognized my third match as the friend, and soon to be roommate, I was on the phone with.

Rudely I interrupted her mid-sentence; =I felt like this was a story worth changing subjects in order to tell her. After telling her the story we both had a laugh at how the site had selected us as being a “good match.” In the end I am not going to date my friend, no matter how compatible any dating website says that we are. However, after learning how suited the site thought we were for each other, I did feel even more confident that we are going to be excellent roommates.

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What About Your Friends?

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Remember that TLC song “What About Your Friends?”
What about your friends?
Will they stand their ground?
Will they let you down?
What about your friends?
Are they gonna be low down?
Will they ever be around?
Or will they turn their backs on you?

Epic words, right? But across the board, almost without fail, people tend to forget about their friends when they start a new relationship. It’s a nasty habit and singles ought to make a pledge not to forget about the people who were there for them before and will be there for them if and when this current relationship ends.

It’s always the same tune, different song: When you’re single and looking to surround yourself with your single friends. Then once you start dating someone and it gets serious you instantly drop all your friends and being completely immersed in the new relationship. Your single friends are put by the wayside and only once your relationship reaches the level of double-dating, do you commence communicating — with your coupled-up friends. Your single friends only resurface after you either have “The Talk” or break-up. That is, if they stick around long enough.

I think it’s natural to want to hang out with other couples when you become one of them, but it’s sad when you lose sight of your devoted friends during a new phase in your life. I understand why it happens: When you’re on the inside of something new you want to spend all of your free time together and when you can’t be together you’re on the phone talking or texting or emailing because it’s new and exciting and you’re getting to know each other better and falling in love. And even if you do pay some attention to your friends your mind wanders back to your new relationship and you don’t focus well on listening to what they have to say. Or all you do is talk about your new relationship until your friends lose their minds. And the worst part is you’re so self-involved you don’t even realize what you’re doing.

When we’re the single friends being left out to dry we hate it, yet we do the same thing when it’s our turn. So let’s all make a promise not to forget about our friends (or bore them to death with every last detail of our new relationship) when we become somebody’s boyfriend or girlfriend. You will need and want your friends one day – whether this relationship makes it or not – so show them how much you appreciate them by not ditching them the minute you (possibly) find love.


Weight Loss Challenge: Day 22

by JeremySpoke under Date Night,Israel

I am starting to strongly believe that all food on earth tastes exactly like a turkey sandwich.  This warped, yet understandable, view of reality has been provided to my brain by 22 straight days of eating nothing but turkey sandwiches (and one steak).  Turkey sandwiches have permeated every part of my life.  I dream about being forced to continuously eat turkey sandwiches a la Man v. Food.  I think about turkey sandwiches constantly. Turkey sandwiches have become my currency, and I trade them for other turkey sandwiches.  The only escape that I get from this grueling diet is the transitory pleasure of Diet Coke®.

My impending date is coming quickly.  By Friday, I have to pick out the lucky girl.  Right now, it looks like only one girl will actually be in the same city this weekend.  I am also pretty sure that she still thinks that it’s a joke.  I am sure  I will have the last laugh as she sits across from me at a small table at a restaurant and sees that I am wearing a suit while the wait staff sings I Swear to her a cappella style.  Hopefully, if things go well, I will ride that positive momentum and lose my final 20 pounds.

After that, I leave with my family to go to Israel to rescue my brother.  He has been in Jerusalem for the past year studying to be a rabbi.  I do not know where he gets his ultra-religious tendencies.  Regardless, it gives me a free trip to Israel.  Hopefully I will meet my wife there like that  woman last month told me I would.  Oh drunk woman, I hope your insight leads to the fulfillment of that prophecy.

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Hello, My Name is…

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Dear Tamar,

What would you say is the correct opening to a conversation?

Dear Hello, My Name is…,

Start with “Hello, my name is (your name)” or some variation of the sort (Hi, Hey, etc.). It’s safe and polite and there’s no better time to introduce yourself. Or take a risk and just start with “I think you’re beautiful/hot/sexy/handsome.”  Just make sure you follow up with some evidence that you read the person’s profile so you don’t even give the person the chance to think that you start all your emails that way.

Avoid the cheesiness like: “I think I’m already in love with you” or “Are you tired? Because you’ve been running through my mind all day.” Those are cute, but wait until you already know someone and their sense of humor before you start teasing them.