In order to turn off my television, I have to hit the ‘3’ button on my remote before hitting ‘Power.’ Therefore, whenever I turn it on, Channel 3 comes on. I don’t know what the hell Channel 3 is, but it is in Spanish. I know that it is Spanish because it is not in English and because I live in Texas.
When I’m awake and alert and I turn on the television and it comes on, I’m like ‘What is this? I want to watch television and understand what I am watching!’ So then I change it to the Food Network or Spike, both of which are dumber than whatever was on the Spanish channel. I know this because 80% of the time, Spike TV is airing a program called 1000 Ways to Die, in which they show you 1000 ways in which you can die, and 95% of the time, the Food Network is airing a program called Chopped where chefs make food that’s really good and then people sitting at a table tell them that it’s shitty.
However, if I’m tired or preoccupied and I turn on the television, so much more time than I’m willing to admit can go by before I realize that I’m watching it in Spanish and at a very high volume. Okay, I’m totally willing to admit that it can often be an hour before realizing that people are talking very loudly and incomprehensibly. You know how they say if you submerse yourself in a culture, you will eventually learn the language? No? Well people say that sometimes. I haven’t learned any Spanish whatsoever. I think this is because Hispanic culture isn’t actually people dressed as clowns and babies fighting each other. If it is, I have no idea why I didn’t pay attention in Spanish class in high school. Oh right, it’s because I took German. I am useless.