Dating can bring out the worst in you, but luckily Yom Kippur gives us the opportunity to atone for our sins, decide not to act or think such a way again, and start anew.
What kind of sins are singles guilty of?
- Being judgmental for one — deciding that a guy or gal isn’t for us because of their looks or their job or their friends.
- Talking badly about others –whether it’s people you went on dates with or badmouthing someone to bond with a date.
- Lying — saying you are not what you are to impress someone (more successful, more popular, younger), or making something up to get out of a bad date.
- And of course there’s the drinking and sex that comes with dating.
This year, make a commitment to withhold judgment, to be honest, and to not allow dating to get the best of you.
In the seventh round of my fantasy football league’s draft, with a down payment to join that cost as much as a month’s membership on JDate, I picked the 1074th ranked wide receiver in the NFL. The only piece of news on him anywhere online was that he had stood up in a practice after being tackled, and he was cut before the season officially began.
While I definitely did not mean to pick Mike Willie (I’m pretty sure I’m the only person on NFL.com who drafted him this season, and I completely blame my ineptitude with drafting technology), I ended up coming into the season winning my first game with a score of almost double what my opponent had. This was not thanks to Mr. Willie (who I have now dropped), but without making that stupid first pick I probably wouldn’t have picked the rest of my amazing team and been so careful afterward otherwise.
On NFL kickoff Sunday, my other open computer window, of course, was JDate. While sitting with two friends who are both in serious relationships, we decided I should go online and message all eight girls I don’t already know in Dallas. None were Mike Willies, but they were people I had not previously been drawn to-some were missing any information on their pages, some had one picture and nothing else, your typical “what do I do with this?” kind of profiles.
And yet, like my awesome quarterback Cam Newton, I threw some passes, and I’m hoping that some potential sleeper players pick up. Not everyone is going to be perfect on paper, and certainly no one is perfect in real life. So go take a chance as we begin both this new NFL season and this Jewish New Year, and maybe you’ll end up with some surprise hits, and hopefully not a Mike Willie.
On a first or second date one will typically be asked when was the last time you were in a relationship. There are really only a few answers to give and ways to give said answers.
–if you got your heartbroken recently, then simply say “I had a not so fun break-up a few months ago but I learned so much from it and am ready to have fun again.”
–if you just got out of a long relationship, then reply “I was with someone for awhile but in the end we realized we wanted different things.”
–if you haven’t been in a relationship in more than a year, then say “it’s been a while and I’ve been meeting lots of nice people but no one that I’ve wanted to take it to the next level with.”
Leave it at one line, using some kind of variation of the above depending upon your circumstance. If and when this date becomes a relationship then you can exchange stories and delve deeper, but for the first few dates it’s not worth it. A longer explanation will only put a damper on the date. If you have to ask the question then at least preempt it with “I don’t want to know the details right now, but I was wondering when the last relationship you were in was?” and if you’re asked the question first then you will need to ask it in return whether you want to or not because it’s the polite thing to do. Then move on to another topic.
I’ve been contacted by quite a few quasi-singles lately, asking how to create a JDate profile when their current marriage is over, but they’re not legally single yet. “When should I go on JDate?” they ask. “And what should I state as my status?”
There is no one right answer. Some people may be ready to sign up for JDate as soon as they file for divorce because they’ve already accepted their marriage was over long before that. Others may not feel comfortable until their divorce is finalized, which varies depending where you live. Yet, others will feel ready sometime between filing and finalizing their divorce. That is a personal decision.
What to put as your status is another issue as you don’t want to lie, but you also don’t want to give off the wrong impression. If you just filed yesterday, then perhaps “separated” is the right option to choose for now, but if you’re closer to finalizing your divorce, then choose “divorced.”
And remember, you don’t need to mention your divorce at all in your profile, but you should supply some vague details on or before a first date (married 9 years, 2 kids, grew apart, not friendly right now, but you hope it is soon) — and leave the details for when you are further along and dating is turning into something more!
under Date Night
After a good friend of mine moved to NYC, she got an apartment, a job, a roommate, and then her next logical step was to join JDate. And though she’s been on the site before (in other states), she was determined to put together a new profile this time that would launch her into this grand city and it’s chaotic dating scene.
Here’s a few things to know when you are first joining the site.
- Do: Spend time putting together your profile. Pick out 3-4 good photos of yourself (click here for JDate’s tips on selecting great profile pics), and then write at least one paragraph for your “About Me” essay question and a few others like the “I’m Looking For…” and “Things I could Never Live Without” questions. If you’re having trouble putting this together, ask for help from your friends. They already know how others perceive you and can help add some color to your profile.
- Don’t: Rush it. Don’t throw up an unedited bio and a single photo of yourself. Don’t sit there and wait for people to message you or view your profile. If you’re serious about meeting new people, then it’s time to take action!
Read more from Jen at www.thethingsilearnedfrom.com
Shana Tova to the dating MOTs!!!
Start the Jewish New Year off by revamping your JDate profile, paying for a membership if you’ve been relying on the free one, and contacting that perfect match (with the cute profile pic) who you’ve been playing “View My Profile” with for the past few weeks.
If you are frustrated with still being single this high holiday season, but you’re not being totally proactive, then you have no one to blame but yourself. Use this religious fresh start to jump-start your dating life.
Take new photos, rework your profile Q&A’s by using my tips from the past few weeks, ask your JMom for a six month membership…or just hit your wallet up (you’ll thank me later for the sound investment), and email that hot guy or gal you’ve been peeping.
Then enjoy: http://www.buzzfeed.com/danoshinsky/rosh-hashanah-the-q-and-a
Though I live an exciting life (I’m one of those people who has at least two things planned most weeknights and even more on the weekends), I often find myself running into a frustrating dilemma: boredom.
You see, even dating can be tedious — especially as I browse through JDate, reading the same lines again and again: “My name is _____ and I enjoy _____” or “I totally don’t know what to write here.” What makes it even worse is that we men are often even more boring (I’ve done my share of browsing the competition). My worst fear? That you’re going to be bored reading my profile.
So when I started taking this dating thing more seriously, I let my “About Me” section get a lot less serious. After seeing a friend’s brilliant newscast style profile (with quotes from international selections of women raving about him), I knew a new game needed to be played. So I stirred for a bit, creating profiles for friends after they asked for my help (there was the one where I recreated the Lebron announcement and asked women to take their talents to him, and then there was another where I tailored the profile to my friend’s personality and made it about building the “ultimate computer”). Eventually, I came to a conclusion: who better to sell Aaron Stayman than the greatest salesman of all time, the late, great Billy Mays?
It may turn some people off (“Who is Billy Mays?” some may wonder — well ladies, just message and ask!), but for the most part, it allows me to tell people the boring stuff in an exciting way. So many people come off as boring or generic in their online dating profiles, but every person is awesome in their own way, and many of us just don’t know how to show that. Most people would describe me as a goofball, and I display that as honestly as I can in the best way I know how.
So whatever you are, it’s time to show it — and in the least boring way possible — because if there’s one thing no one on this site is, it’s boring. I’m sure I’m not the only person bored with the selection, so go ahead and make someone’s day with something different.
While perusing JDate profiles and looking for ways in which I can help people improve their odds on JDate, I came across a number of profile Q&As written in the third person. WHAT??? The title of the section is called “About Me,” so you decide to write an “About Him/Her” about yourself? This doesn’t make any sense.
If you’re creating a profile for a friend or family member, then say so in your first line and even in your username. But in all of the instances I came across, this was not the deal. It was disarming at first and I had to reread many of the lines to make sure I was seeing straight. The weird thing is, it takes more effort to write about yourself in third person than it does in first person. I strongly suggest editing your profile if that’s the way it was written. You can say, “friends describe me as,” but not “can be defined as” or “likes being referenced as.” And never use the “he/she” when you could just say “I” or “me.” Take down the walls and let other JDaters see the real you!
Buzzfeed.com posted the top “24 Things Single People Are Tired of Hearing” last month and, for the most part, it was spot on! Not only are you probably hearing many of these phrases on a weekly, if not daily, basis… but you may also be guilty of saying them as well. When you hear one of these lines spewing from an innocent, yet annoying person, take a deep breath, smile and say, “thank you.” And then make sure you eliminate these lines from your brain as well.
Some of my favorites:
- “How are you still single? You’re so great!”
- “It’ll happen when you least expect it.”
- “Just relax and it will happen.” (Or “Stop thinking about it and it will happen.” Ugh!)
- “Don’t worry, you’ll find someone eventually.”
- “You’re just too picky.”
- “You have to love yourself before you can love someone else.”
Try to keep the eye-rolling, nose-wrinkling, lip-pursing facial expressions to yourself. The people who are making these comments are being naive because chances are they’re either still in the honeymoon-phase of a relationship, or they’ve been married so long they can’t remember what it’s like to date.
Bottom line: don’t take it personally. Shake it off and move on.
under Date Night
When I first joined JDate, I went out for tea with a guy who had me running home and telling the world that I had found “The One.” The over-dramatic monologue I was preaching to my friends was cut very very short, when I never heard from him again after our first date. Almost seven months later, I checked my JDate inbox and received a message from him. What’s a girl to do? Go backwards and give someone a second chance after not hearing from them in months? Or keep moving forward and ignore their attempt at seeing you again?
- Do: Listen to what they have to say. Hopefully their message to you “explains” where they’ve been and why they didn’t contact you after the first date until now. Read their message and decide from there if you want to give this person a second chance.
- Don’t: Distract yourself with someone who isn’t right for you by pretending they are. If they are messaging you like they have no idea who you are — and clearly have forgotten ever going out with you the first time — ignore them. They are not worth your time and will easily forget you the second time around!
Read more from Jen at www.thethingsilearnedfrom.com