Archive for October, 2013

WWJD – Rescheduling a JDate at the Last Minute

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

What Would Jew Do?

For whatever reason — a giant zit, a bad day at the office, bloating, or your ex calls and makes your head (and heart) spin — you need to reschedule a first JDate at the last minute… do you lie or tell a version of the truth?

This is where little white lies can work for you… you don’t need to expand upon your reasoning for rescheduling a date, just say something really important came up that you have to deal with and you apologize for the late notice but you need to move your date to another time. The important part of the conversation is to make another date right then and there, otherwise the other person will think you are just canceling in a “nice” way and blowing them off. So make sure you reschedule before hanging up and don’t put too much time between the date you’re canceling and the date you’re meeting.

WWJD — Marking Your Territory

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

What Would Jew Do?

Scenario #1: You’ve recently ended a relationship but continue to “spend time together” although you suspect that your ex is already having “new” company over. You’re jealous and slightly angry, not so much because you want to be in a relationship with this person again but because of the dishonesty in being together when others are now involved. You consider the following: leaving hair in the bathroom that is clearly not your ex’s, accidentally leaving make-up or your toothbrush or a sock behind, writing a note and purposefully leaving it in a place where your ex won’t think to notice but where an observant prospect will look. Or… finally just make a clean break and wish your ex luck.

Scenario #2: You’ve recently started dating someone and not only do you want to let everyone else know that you’re now around and there to stay but you also want the new prospect to have subtle reminders of you strewn about so as not to be able to get you off his or her mind. You consider the following: spraying your perfume or cologne on their pillow case when they aren’t looking, accidentally leaving something behind (toothbrush, make-up, a sock or even your wallet or cell phone which you will need back and creates a new opportunity to see each other again), or DVRing a show or movie on their TV which you discussed both wanting to watch.

Would ever do any of these things? It’s not so far-fetched. The 1st scenario is a bit vengeful and not a good reflection of you but the 2nd scenario can be really sweet if done tastefully.

Dating Advice, Part 1

by Aaron under Relationships,Single Life

When I was four years old, I had a classmate named Nikki whom I really admired. I had this giant crush, and I guess I thought the feeling was mutual. However, before the greatest affair of our pre-school class could ever come to be, I made a pre-emptive move. When Nikki’s mother showed up one day to pick Nikki up, I walked over and told her “I’m sorry ma’am, but I can’t marry your daughter because she isn’t Jewish.” I hope I didn’t offend Nikki or her mother too much, but at an early age, I had an understanding of what I wanted out of a partner.

Fast forward to my early twenties, and I still have a clearly defined picture of what I’m looking for. As far as my life goes, finding a Jewish girl to marry was always the priority. But as a young adult, there are other issues to worry about, like say, a career.

Career paths never worried me growing up. I had some ideas of what I wanted to do, but even leaving undergrad, I wasn’t too worried. Much to the dismay of my parents, I set up one interview before school ended, and if I didn’t get that job the plan was to go into stand-up comedy for a while and work eventually. My parents were delighted that the one interview worked out.

Now, as I study to get my MBA, career is the main focus of my life. I hardly get a chance to log onto JDate, and real life meeting is very limited due to time. However, I did think about dating as I went to an MBA conference last week.

The conference had a number of areas to help work on your resume, as well as elevator pitches, mock interviews, etc. One thing that boggles my mind about all this is how open people are to admitting they need help, and going to get it in terms of career growth. Careers and dating are the two big parts of young adulthood, and yet one is so much more of a taboo topic than the other. “Singles” events are always named otherwise in Dallas, and in order to get real advice on dating one has to do some serious searching. Googling “resume help” is a lot more helpful than googling “dating guidance”.

So why don’t we talk more openly about helping singles get better at what they’re doing? It’s not always a matter of finding the right person; we don’t say to people “that’s okay, you’ll get employed when the right employer accepts you for you”. We know people have to work to sell themselves for a job, doesn’t the same need to be a real conversation for dating? Come back next week for my answer, and in the meantime feel free to discuss in the comments!

WWJD — Sitting Shiva

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

What Would Jew Do?

There you are, paying your respects to a loved one gone too soon, when you spot a potential prospect across the room. You make eye contact. There’s instant attraction and a tangible connection.  Do you begin flirting right then and there? What’s a good Jew to do?

Wait. When the shiva service is over and people are crowding the buffet you can both grab your plates and go sit near each other and introduce yourselves. Shivas are a great place to meet a prospect because chances are the majority of the people attending can be assumed to be Jewish, you will more than likely know people in common who can endorse the both of you, and you will honor your loved one by allowing their death to create a shidduch as you pay your respects.

WWJD — Little White Lies

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

What Would Jew Do?

When you’re dating it’s normal and even expected to stretch the truth and say little white lies, but what is the threshold for taking it too far?

Here’s an easy one: most people don’t own their cars outright, especially if they’re under the age of 40 and are driving a luxury vehicle worth $45,000 or more. So don’t be too overly impressed by someone with a sexy ride because they are paying a hefty payment every month. And sure, they may make more than enough money to do so, or they could be counting pennies in order to keep themselves in a lifestyle that would impress you. Then again, it’s not polite to ask someone if their car is paid for or not, so simply not allowing yourself to be impressed by material things will help you get past that LWL. (Conversely, someone who is super impressed by your car or other material items may not be the type of person you want to date.)

Everyone tends to say “I know lots of people who…” or “I’ve gone there or done that tons of times” when really they only know a few people who… or went there once and did that twice, but by stretching the truth they are making a stronger point and possibly impressing you. This is a normal LWL, just don’t let it get out of hand by exaggerating every detail because eventually you will get caught!

Love At First JDate: Go With The Flow

by JenG under Relationships

Often times when on a first date, the nerves start to build up and I start to forget who I am and what I’m supposed to be doing. Basically, I forget how to date. I forget how to speak. And I forget that I’ve been here before and can do this again.

  • Do: Go with the flow. Enter a first date with not super high expectations and the mindset that you’ll give this person a chance (just like they are giving you). Let the nerves settle in by remembering that they are obviously interested in you because the first move of accepting to meet has been made and mutually agreed on.
  • Don’t: Say no to a date because you’re nervous. I’ve been on a lot of first dates in my life and still no matter what, right before I leave to meet the guy, I am drenched in nerves. It wears off and you will, ultimately, be fine. Every date is a learning experience.

WWJD? — Puppies & Babies

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

What Would Jew Do?

Would you borrow a friend’s dog or volunteer to babysit a friend’s toddler to aid you in meeting other singles? You’d be surprised at the number of singles who are at the dog park with their neighbor’s pooch or strolling the mall with their niece or nephew, and no they aren’t doing it out of the goodness of their heart but rather as an easy way to break the ice with other attractive and available singles.

Single parents do it because they have to and sometimes can reap the rewards of having a cute kid, but would you go so far as to borrow a friend’s kid or pet for the sole sake of attracting attention?


by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

What Would Jew Do?

Have you ever been asked, “Would you die for me?” Or been told, “I’d die for you?” What was your reaction? I have been hearing that line a lot on television programs, both scripted and reality, and it got me thinking about what exactly that means. Are we supposed to love our spouse so much that we would take a bullet for them or throw ourselves in front of a bus or offer ourselves up to kidnappers?

Here’s the part I don’t get — if I were to die for you, that means you’re now left mourning and feeling guilty, so what’s the point? Does it make someone feel more loved because their significant other would sacrifice their own life for yours? And what if one half of the couple says yes and the other says no? Does that mean one person loves the other more? And just because someone says they would die for you doesn’t mean they would actually do so when push comes to shove.

Do me a favor and never ask someone that question because you don’t know what you (a Jew) would do.

Out of Egypt

by Aaron under JBloggers,Relationships,Single Life

In The Ethics of our Fathers, one of the key quotes I took away was to “acquire for yourself a friend.”

I have had pretty substantial friendships since high school ended, deeming most of my friends with a term I invented: “sebester” friends (meaning they were my best friends for a semester or so each while we were in school taking classes and hanging out together). My “sebester” friends lasted often much more than a semester, but often each semester brought me a new and equally great friendship to add to the collection.

When I got out of school and moved back to mainland Dallas, I had a friend from school I hung out with who was great, and then that was pretty much it. As the next year and a half went by, it was just us. I made new friends, but never quite to the level of any of my “sebester” friendships. Then came Moses.

I don’t like to use names in my blog, but Moses has given me permission, and besides, I think it’s important that I point out how obvious the friendship of Moses and Aaron should be. In a year of great things in my life, Moses and I met in October of 2012 during Sukkot. We had a blast getting to know each other, and even finding out my zeyde was friends with his aunt.

Moses has since moved to San Francisco (ladies of SF, keep an eye out, he’s pretty easy to find with a name like Moses), but we are still super close. And with him back this past weekend, it reminded me of some of the great traits of our friendship that I’d like to share. For starters, I always felt comfortable with who I was when I was with Moses, and never felt like he was judging me. With Moses in my vicinity, no one else mattered. We talked about topics that we were guarded about and really helped each other grow.

More than anything, I think Moses helped me figure out a lot about myself. I knew I wanted a girl who could be a friend to me as much as he is, and when I haven’t found that, I’ve moved on. He helped me realize that the real cornerstone to a great relationship is friendship — both with the girl, and with someone who you can be sure can help keep you steady. So to everyone else out there, I hope you can find a Moses, and I hope in doing so you can better find yourself.

JDating for the 55+ Population

by Tamar Caspi under JDate,Online Dating,Relationships

A number of my parent’s friends have approached me lately to ask for advice about dating for their demographic — the 55 and up group who is either divorced or widowed, and also likely empty-nesters (or the kids living there are adults who have returned to the coop). They all ask just about the same question: “Where are all the other people my age?” Like any good Jew, I always answer that question with another question, that being: are you on JDate? Some said yes, others said no, and still others said not right now. Well, you’ve got to be on JDate. You can’t complain about not being able to meet anyone if you aren’t turning over every rock.

Once you get on JDate, don’t suddenly decide that you want to be super-particular about your preferences. Select the age range that you would accept if the prospect had absolutely everything else you want in a mate. And since where you went to college and what you studied has very little to do with your life nowadays, don’t spend too much time focusing on those answers or requirements.

You’re not looking for someone to procreate with, but you are looking for someone to enjoy the rest of your life with, so in some areas you will be more lenient… while in other areas you want to be very specific. Go for it. Put in your preferences and if the prospect list isn’t quite what you were hoping to see, then you can adjust as necessary.

Another area where you might be able to be more open for consideration is broadening your geographic area and being willing to relocate. Would a mate who lives in another state, but can visit once a month for right now, fit into your life? Did your kids move across the country and you’d be willing to move to be closer to them?

These are only some of the differences the Baby Boomer generation has to deal with in the dating realm. Still, the bottomline is that if you’re complaining about the lack of inventory and aren’t on JDate — or are on JDate, but still have preferences selected which are more fitting for your Gen-X children — then you’re not making your situation any easier.