Archive for November, 2013

Good on Paper

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

My girlfriend Lauren has dated the same type of man over and over and over and finally realized after having her heart broken and being disappointed for the upteenth time that she was going after the wrong type. So she referred to her List and decided to only go for guys that actually fit her preferences rather than the guys she was instantly attracted to. And she found him. The guy who was perfect. He fit her List to a tee and she was hopeful that she had finally found her beshert. Except that’s all he was… good on paper. Something was missing, something she couldn’t put her finger on. He fulfilled all her requirements yet she wasn’t falling in love. What was missing? Being able to satisfy all your requirements and preferences on a checklist does not love make.

Your List is supposed to be helpful in keeping you away from people who aren’t right for you but that doesn’t mean that someone who hits all the marks will be right for you either. Don’t stay with someone just because they’re good on paper, but do give them a fair chance before you cast them by the wayside. Lauren continued to date this guy who was supposed to be her Mr. Right for nearly six months hoping that it would evolve into something more before finally pulling the plug. Lauren felt a bit lovelost as she thought that a man who checked off her non-negotiables would be “The One” but she recovered and set back out to find someone who both checked off MOST of her preferences while also giving her butterflies.


The Dallas Cowboys Phone Case

by Aaron under Entertainment,JBloggers,JDate,Monday Makeover,Online Dating,Single Life

As I deal with the usual grogginess of Monday and the week ahead of me, I face a lot of important decisions. Who do I put a waiver claim on this week in fantasy football? How little time do I need to study to get the grades I want and still have fun? Or most importantly, when am I finally upgrading my phone and getting a new phone case to go with it?

For the last two years, I’ve had an increasingly broken iPhone 4 with a Han Solo in Carbonite casing. While the phone ultimately has become junk (I’ve been unable to turn off the phone for about six months now, which has made for some awkward pre-flight situations), I still proudly share my phone case with others I deem geeky enough to appreciate my love of Star Wars.

So as I began my hunt for an iPhone 5s case, I looked up some basic areas of interest in my life: Marvel characters, more Star Wars, etc. But then I began to think about what I really wanted to show any time I pulled my phone out. For me, I love conversation starters, so it has less to do with not wanting a dorky image but rather being broader in whom I can share joy in over my phone case. So that answer became easy: the Dallas Cowboys. Though my future may not be in Dallas, my heart belongs to one sports franchise and I’m proud of that.

Similarly, I have found over the years that we are truly our own brands, and we are always in control of the message we send to others. In high school, I was the kid who wore videogame shirts and secretly hosted a videogame podcast on the side. My peers were more into sports and other more shareable interests in addition to videogames, and I felt it made me less than confident through high school. However, it did show me that I was in control, and as I entered college and eventually developed my own sense of style and other hobbies, no one remembered that I was the kid who was super into videogames. Now I’m the guy who has a good sense of style, likes fantasy football, and always has a joke ready for people.

If you’re having a hard time making results happen for you on JDate, there’s no reason you can’t do the same thing. Take some new pictures, edit some things in your profile (maybe “playing monopoly on Saturday nights” becomes “preferring to take it easy some nights”), and change the parts of yourself you highlight. Everyone is special and unique, but everyone also likes to relate to one another, and it’s always possible to change your casing. You’ll be surprised how few people will even remember what was there before.


Status Up(Dates) Refresher

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Many, many posts ago I wrote about updating your status on Facebook and how broadcasting your every date, crush, and disappointment is harmful to your health. Well, so are your rants. A friend of mine who I’ll call Lisa was divorced about 3 years ago and has consistently updated her relationship status since then with every boyfriend she quickly entered into a relationship with, posted about them in her Newsfeed, and then subsequently reverting her status and ranting about each guy and why the relationship met its demise.

When Lisa’s most recent boyfriend proposed after 6 months she elatedly posted a photo of her ring and changed her status. One friend of hers couldn’t hold back and commented that she hoped Lisa would be cautious. Granted, it wasn’t this woman’s place to comment on a public forum, she was wrong and she was rude, but Lisa responded by ranting that she wished people would be happy for her or keep their mouths shut and that she was going to delete people who couldn’t be happy for her — which put a damper on what should have been her special day.

I sent Lisa a private message and told her that I strongly recommend that in the future she simply delete negative comments and possibly delete those people as well. I also congratulated her and silently prayed that this engagement was going to be successful (and would minimize her dramatic posts). But Lisa set herself up for part of it as well by constantly narrating her love life as well as her heartbreaks more often than she changed her profile picture.

Just like no one really wants or needs to know what you ate for dinner, no one wants or needs to know about every date, every new prospect, every rejection, or every kiss. Keep some intimate items to yourself or share them with your closest friends. Not only is it no one’s business but new JDate prospects who are on Facebook or will eventually be your Facebook friend will be able to look back and see all of thee dramatic posts and may think differently about you because of it.


Keeping it Real

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Who are you? Who are you with your friends, with your family, at work, on dates and in a relationship? Are you the same person or do you have different personas depending upon who you’re around? If you’re dating someone and begin introducing them to your family, friends and coworkers are they going to recognize you and your personality?

Everyone is on their best behavior during the first few dates with someone new, that’s understandable and acceptable, but if you make a complete 180 once you get serious or are around other people then you aren’t being real, and you’re not being fair to yourself or your date. Don’t be fake, that requires far too much effort, and you don’t want someone who likes you for who you are pretending to be.


Love at First JDate: Enough With the Excuses

by JenG under Relationships

I’ve had guys cancel dates on me because of the following, last minute, sudden, and urgent reasons:
-I’m just too tired to go out tonight
-I really need to get to the gym
-I have to work late—which really, usually, means there’s a good football or basketball game on
-Something came up—see above for the real reason.

I get it. Things come up. Schedules get overbooked and people get over tired. But if you’re going to cancel a date, be sure to do it like this:

Do: Be honest, but remind them that they are still a priority. Let them know what has come up and if you could reschedule. Please, please, please let them know this far in advance. Most people take their schedules and to-do lists very seriously. Any interruptions just cause an enormous amount of stress—I know, it’s embarrassing to admit that.

Don’t: Use an excuse to cancel the date because you’re no longer into them. If that’s the case, don’t hide behind an excuse. Call the whole thing off—in a nice way.

Read Jen’s new book: All My Friends are Engaged http://www.goo.gl/W8Sxz3

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Thanksgivukkah Gifts

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

On the heels of Holiday Humdrum, another related subject about gifts often comes up with new couples during the holidays. If you recently got serious with a JDater and thought you’d have a chance to get through Thanksgiving and become more serious before having to figure out what you’re going to get your new significant other for Hanukkah… well, your luck is out this year and the pressure is on because Thanksgivukkah is quickly approaching.

There are a few things you can do to take the pressure off though. You can have a talk and decide to wait until New Year’s Eve to exchange gifts or you can decide to set a limit on what you will spend on each other or you can agree to forego gifts altogether while still making sure to celebrate together.

Finally, a typical “Jewish mother” reminder: when you go to someone’s home for a holiday party remember to bring some kind of hostess gift be it a candle, a bottle of wine, or flowers. If you are bringing someone home to your house or if you are going to someone else’s house to celebrate then offer to help even if you know you will be rejected and definitely take it upon yourself to help clear dishes after each course.


Electives

by Aaron under JBloggers,Judaism,Online Dating,Single Life

As my semester nears its end, I get to do that joyous thing we all love to do in school: choose classes for the next semester. For once I am in the first group to register for classes, but it is still daunting. In the spirit of relating most of my dating blogs to business school lessons, I thought about the electives I’ve chosen to take in the last year of my personal life.

For starters, I decided to leave my job in retail management. This decision initially stemmed from my unhappiness in the job, but ultimately came to be meaningful in taking me back to my favorite part of life, learning. I love being a student more now than ever, and value every second I get to spend learning new, exciting things about the world of business.

Then, probably the second biggest thing is my religiousness. I started keeping Kosher for the most part in the last year, getting rid of milk and meat combinations, then all treif meat, and ideally going fully Kosher when I move to New York in the coming year (which I am hoping to do for my internship, and am open to job offers if readers have them!). I wrap tefillin every morning that isn’t Shabbat, and I am almost Shomer Shabbos (hindered by driving distance to my current shuls, but another situation I intend to fix by next year). I feel prouder of my involvement in my religion, and truly feel like I’ve seen myself grow.

Lastly, there’s my dating life. In the last year I’ve opened myself up to a lot of different things. Different girls than I’d normally date, sometimes in different cities than I’d ever dated (or lived) in. And I can say hands down, this year has been the best year of my dating life ever. I think a lot of it stems from the previous two areas of my life, areas that have allowed me to feel more whole than I ever have. I come across as more open to anything now, and truly love the adventures my life has taken me on.

So those are my electives for the year. I’m sure next year will bring a very different set, and that’s great. Whatever your choices are, or have been, there is no one else signing up before you, either, and now is the time to start picking your electives, too.


Holiday Humdrum

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

As Thanksgiving and the holidays approach there are 2 paths singles can take: give up the search for your beshert to avoid the pressures of a relationship during a period filled with family affairs, office parties and social functions; or make even more of an effort to find a significant other to share in the festivities.

Neither train of thought is inherently wrong but you don’t want to miss an opportunity to meet someone special because you’re afraid of introducing a date to your coworkers. And you don’t want to get serious with the wrong someone just because you don’t want to be alone during the holidays.

Your best bet is to continue as normal, being active on JDate, and going to your local Jewish holiday parties. If you meet someone and feel comfortable inviting them to a party then do so but don’t create unrealistic expectations. If you meet someone but feel awkward inviting them to a party, then don’t do it but don’t give up on something developing later either.


Marriage is Not For You

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

A great blog post about marriage has gone viral… it’s called: Marriage Is Not For You written by Seth Adam Smith. The post was written by a man who met his wife in high school and was friends with her for 10 years before they took it to a romantic level. He says that you should marry your best friend but yet he was very nervous and anxious as their wedding day approached. He explained his fears to his father who told him:

“Seth, you’re being totally selfish. So I’m going to make this really simple: marriage isn’t for you. You don’t marry to make yourself happy, you marry to make someone else happy. More than that, your marriage isn’t for yourself, you’re marrying for a family. Not just for the in-laws and all of that nonsense, but for your future children. Who do you want to help you raise them? Who do you want to influence them? Marriage isn’t for you. It’s not about you. Marriage is about the person you married.”

Seth really took to his father’s advice and went on to say:

“No, a true marriage (and true love) is never about you. It’s about the person you love—their wants, their needs, their hopes, and their dreams. Selfishness demands, “What’s in it for me?”, while Love asks, “What can I give?”’

The point is, make sure when dating that you’re looking for someone whom you want to make happy without strings and who wants to make you happy without any strings. The minute you start having selfish thoughts, such as: “I’ve spent this much money on him/her and I’m not receiving the same in return” — then you need to gut-check yourself and figure out if this is a make-or-break thought or a fleeting thought. If you’re keeping tally on anything in the relationship and can’t stop doing so then you may need to keep searching for someone with whom you won’t care how much you do for them and how much you receive in return because all you want to do is make him or her happy.


Love at First JDate: Give The Unknown a Chance

by JenG under Relationships

My Friday morning started off with a friend asking me if she could set me up with someone that she knows. Before I had the chance to roll my eyes and fight off that remark with a thousand different excuses, I said “Why Not”. There’s times people will try to set me up and I’ll just say no. I’d rather use that night of my week to relax on the couch or even just the thought of going on a date with someone new can be overwhelming and frightening.

Do: Take everyone into consideration. If you’re not ready to jump on the “yes” train, at least adopt the mindset that you’ll say “maybe”. Check the person out a bit and ask the friend trying to set you up to tell you a little more about them. If they sound more interesting than your Tuesday night TV show line up, give them a try.

Don’t: Write every potential “set up” or blind date off as an automatic disaster. It’s another (and quite possibly one of the only) ways to meet new people. Whether they become love interests, friends, or connections, there’s something valuable you can take away from every single person you meet.

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