Picking Wrong

by Haley Plotnik under Judaism,Relationships,Single Life

Two years ago, when I was at one of the lowest points in my entire life, I started a relationship with a man I’ll call “Ted.” Ted was a good guy in a lot of ways, but he also had a dark side. He wouldn’t ever let me see him in his darkest state. The longer we were together, the more I was scared to break up with him for fear that he wouldn’t be able to handle it. After 9 months together, he told me that he didn’t think we’d last for the long-term. So I said, “Fine. Let’s break up.” I was so relieved he’d been the instigator, even if I swung the axe. Two weeks later, he begged me to take him back, but I couldn’t. As he wallowed in his poor choices, I started feeling more confident in my choices than I’d felt in a long time.

I am historically bad at picking suitable guys to date. About a month after Ted and I broke up, I decided to get a little help picking out men from the peanut gallery. I let people set me up left and right. Most of the time I would rule out guys after the first date for one reason or another, but every now and then, I’d find someone who seemed like a potential keeper. Right when I would start to doubt the new relationship, Ted would contact me. It was like he had a super power. I’d feel guilty, and then I’d shoot my budding relationship in the foot.

I made myself a promise when I broke up with Ted that I would only date someone with better qualifications. I wanted someone who stood head and shoulders above the previous guys I’ve dated, not a repeat of the same old thing.

Fast forward to now: Ted and I have been broken up for 15th months. I’ve dated quite a few guys, only to land on the conclusion that I’ve been somewhat wrong. I fundamentally believe I deserve better treatment than I’ve had in the past. However, the traits I’ve associated with such treatment are totally oversimplified. I guess I thought that dating Jewish would help alleviate some of the alienation I’ve experienced in past relationships. It really hasn’t. I feel more alienated at times, just in ways I’d hadn’t anticipated. I date Jews and non-Jews at current. With Jews I don’t have to subtly screen for anti-Semitism, but I’m not willing to bet all of my chips on Jews just yet either; limiting my opportunities to find happiness with <1% of the US population of males feels about as risky as placing a $5,000 blind bet on a poker hand. What do you think? Am I playing the odds… or I am playing it too safe?


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