under Date Night
I’ve witnessed many dates where someone was so nervous they couldn’t even hold eye contact, or spoke so fast they couldn’t figure out how to end a sentence, or even (much to my wide-eyed horror) they actually tripped over their own feet.
These situations happen to everyone at some point — whether it’s because you’ve built up expectations of a prospect you’re about to meet or because you’re totally enamored with your date. Eventually there will come a time when you will need to compose yourself.
Take a deep breath. Smile. Remind yourself that the person sitting across from you is probably just as nervous. Perhaps even crack a joke to break the ice about the first date jitters. You can do this!
under Date Night
Like many things in my life, this change was one I knew I’d instantly remember: “It’s time to dress like an adult,” my friend Ryan said, in a surprisingly non-insulting manner. I knew it was time to change the way I dressed. I went from cargo shorts and AEPi shirts year round to polos and shorts in the summer, and a v-neck sweater with a button down in the winter.
It was a slow process, and while I am not the best-dressed person in every room, I am typically the most varied and coordinated in what I wear. I think it’s added a lot to conversations and helped me to feel more confident, and I’d like to share some tips to help you add personality to your outfits. Note: most of these are aimed at men as I only dress like a man, but feel free to provide input.
- Accessorize. Whether it’s a watch, hat, fun undershirt, sweater, or other item, an accessory is always a great idea. Lately I’m big on fun socks — TheTieBar.com and Express both sell great, cheap socks. I also love a good tie clip (also available on The Tie Bar for cheap) and different color yarmulkes/baseball caps.
- Mix it up. Let a button loose in a new place, roll up sleeves you normally don’t, pair odd colors together. Sometimes things look stupid, but sometimes you make a great fashion find. My favorite was wearing a shirt at the University of Florida Chabad last summer, and having someone tell me my undershirt was a bad choice with my button down shirt. Instead, I made a transformation into a “fundershirt” as I called it. I went from looking ridiculous with a thick undershirt, to having a pink collared shirt unbuttoned with sleeves rolled up and a yellow undershirt brightly giving my outfit an extra oomph.
- Don’t worry about it. Sometimes things look stupid, and that’s okay. In fact, I would argue dressing like a schlub can be a great way to display a different sort of confidence. If you mismatch and someone points it out, great, thank them for pointing it out and laugh about it. JDate released a study a month ago, and most people find style negligible anyway, but a sense of humor and confidence will go a long way no matter what you’re wearing.
How many of you have brought home a significant other to meet your parents? How long did you wait? Did you wish you had done it sooner in retrospect, or wish you had never taken that step at all? Is there more pressure to take someone home when you live in the same city as your parents? Or is there more pressure to take a special trip out to your hometown to do so?
There’s no science. Sometimes you introduce a S.O. after a few weeks, sometimes a few months. Sometimes not until after you’re engaged (yikes!). It’s not a matter of time, but rather a feeling of the relationship being in the right place to take that step (but please do so BEFORE proposing!).
Some people wait because their parents are apt to embarrass them by asking, “Can you afford our daughter?” or “Can you tame our son?” Or maybe they look over a girlfriend and exclaim that she has “nice childbearing hips!” Or perhaps they might check out a boyfriend and exclaim what “beautiful children you’ll have!” Some are nervous their parents will pull out the baby album or discuss horrible exes (or discuss your amazing ex that you unfortunately let get away). Some parents meanwhile are very chill and laid-back, and have probably met many prospects because of how easy going they are.
Taking home a S.O. is a huge deal when it comes to figuring out if they can become a part of your family. If you feel it’s the right time, then do it. There’s no wrong time (well, except for the obvious: not on your first few dates unless you’re being picked up from their house!) if you are seeing a future with this prospect.
under Date Night
After hosting a HurryDate event last week, I have some advice that all singles who are planning to attend speed dating events should read:
1. Dress to Impress
There was a man there wearing a hat. Really? Just like your JDate profile photo, why on earth would you show up wearing a hat? There were ladies wearing sandals. Not only is it February, but there is nothing sexy about sandals.
2. Be on Time
It’s tough to start the event if all the people aren’t there. Check in and then go grab a drink from the bar.
Nothing says “approachable” better than a smile. That, and don’t cross your arms over your chest.
4. Be Conversation Ready
Most of the questions that can be asked within the five-minute time frame of the speed date are the obvious ones, so be prepared to answer: “What do you do?” and “Where do you live/Where are you from?” And try to answer with easy, one-line answers that you haven’t rehearsed.
5. Don’t Ask: “Why Are You Still Single?”
“Why are you still single?” and “What is your relationship history?” are questions to be saved for a later time. If someone asks you these questions during a speed dating party, then your answers should go like this, respectively: “For the same reason you’re still single, I haven’t met the right person yet” and “I’ve been in some meaningful relationships where I’ve learned a lot about myself and what I want in a mate, and I’d be happy to share that with you on another date.” Then change the topic.
Finally, stick around after and socialize. You may meet another single to attend future single events with you, or you may get to continue talking with someone, like the couple who was still chatting an hour after the event ended last week…
Buy Tamar’s book How to Woo a Jew on Amazon now!
under Date Night
Bad dates: we’ve all had them. Some of us have them back-to-back, and we swear off dating to the point where we’d almost agree to do anything other than go on another one ever again. There’s a lot to do when you find yourself feeling annoyed by another bad date. The best thing, however, is to take a step back and — when you are ready — try again.
- Do: Talk about it. The best way to get over a bad date is to find a way to laugh about it. Maybe they were rude, or you did something embarrassing, or there was more chemistry in the liquid concoction you were drinking during the date than there was between the two of you. Tell your friends about it, or your roommate, or whomever will take the time to listen. The more people that you tell, the better you’ll feel — and the more you’ll be ready to move on and try again.
- Don’t: Sulk in it. Try not to replay the details in your head over and over again. Try to let it go before it overwhelms you. The more you think about it, the more it will start to become a part of you — and it’s best to avoid that.
under Single Life
So many people let love pass them by because they simply are afraid to take a risk and say something. Whether it be “What’s your friend’s number?” or “Are you single?” or “Would you be willing to set me up with your buddy?” or “Would you like to go out sometime?” or simply saying, “Hi! My name is…”
That’s all it takes to see if that girl you saw volunteering at the JDate event is available, or if that guy you saw hanging out by the kitchen at your friend’s party is Jewish. What’s the worst that will happen? You’ll find out the person is either not Jewish, not single, or not interested. No big deal, right?! Make sure you don’t regret not saying something.
As mid-terms begin to kick into gear, the last few weeks and the weeks ahead aim to be some of the busiest of my life. I’ve always been a pretty laidback student, but business school has not allowed that as before.
As such, I thought I would share some light reading with any readers looking to join me in some homework this week (albeit slightly different, and more fun, for you). So here is a list of books I’d recommend for anyone (guys particularly, though girls may enjoy a look at the toolkit of the opposite sex) looking to get better in their dating game, on and offline:
- Charlie Valentino’s series of books: Charlie Valentino gives some ridiculous advice (I’m not a fan of his Facebook book), but I did find quite a bit of improvement in my online results after using his books, and my normal experiences with women also benefitted.
- Neil Strauss’s The Game/Rules of The Game: I hate the phrase life-changing as I feel it is thrown around lightly, but this book did change my dating life completely. I read The Game and its subsequent workbook in college and enjoyed the newfound confidence they gave me in both dating/professional situations. Again, use some discretion in what you take away, but the good by far outweighs the bad.
- Dale Carnegie’s How to Stop Worrying and Start Living: A lot of people say to read How to Win Friends and Influence People, but I personally got more out of this book that made me feel better about life and drop worries.
A short list, but I think those are all great, and really all of them could be read by either gender (though the first two are heavily aimed at guys). If you’re on this blog, you probably like self-help, so be sure to check these books out and say any others you recommend in the comments. Good luck out there, everyone!
under Date Night
I’m hosting a HurryDate event in Los Angeles this Wednesday (today!) and it got me thinking about the advantages of speed dating:
For starters, you know the people attending are serious about finding someone because they aren’t going to spend the time or money to partake in such an event if they aren’t. Secondly, you get to meet other singles who fit your demographic: in this case Jews in their 20’s and early 30’s, and to top it off there’s about an equal number of each gender. And finally, you get to talk with so many people for a short enough amount of time to either get out of a bad or awkward pairing, or to discover you want to learn more about the person sitting across from you. Seems like a win-win situation to me.
Get your copy of Tamar’s book “How to Woo a Jew” at Barnes & Noble and Amazon now.
under Date Night
Body language is important — especially on a date or at a singles event — but when does physical flirting go too far? We all know about making eye contact, looking away, and then making eye contact again (women typically add in a hair flip or twirl for good measure); and then holding the eye contact and adding a smile. But when is it too much?
If you’re constantly licking your lips or biting the corner of your lip, remind yourself that you’re not LL Cool J and put your tongue back in your mouth. The same goes for caressing your fingers down your cleavage or mimicking a growl or a bite. Tone it down. Unless of course your intent is just to hook up because that’s the impression you’re giving off.
There’s a difference between flirting with class and flirting with crass, and it’s not a fine line. It’s a wide, multi-lane highway. You can be obvious about flirting without being over the top.
under Date Night
You made it! You won’t have to deal with the pressure of Valentine’s Day for at least another 364 days. No need to worry about making plans with someone you just started dating, or figuring out how to make it through the day without eating too many cupcakes.
After V-Day, I’m always a bit more motivated to do something about my dating life; jump-starting my online activity and going out on more dates.
- Do: When you want to start going on more dates, and are more open to meeting someone, schedule a part of your day (whether before work or after work) where you devote a certain amount of time to online dating and messaging people back.
- Do (Bonus!): Be the first to send a message if you come across a profile that you like and admire. Let your post-VDay motivation make you more confident with making that first move. You’ll likely see better results.
Follow Jen Glantz here: www.twitter.com/tthingsilearned