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We’ve all noticed the stock blank response in Jdate profiles, “will tell you later.” You want to know my income? I’ll tell you later. That is, unless you don’t respond to my profile, in which case, I won’t be telling you later.

In order to properly zero in on the perfect candidates, I’d like Ms. Right to have another option: “Will not tell you later.”

Crazy dream I had last night I alone find interesting: Will not tell you later

Why I’m always right and you’re always wrong: Will not tell you later

The times I’m kissing you and fantasizing about somebody else: Will not tell you later

Stop hogging the blanket: Will not tell you later

Wow, this woman sounds like a dream… a dream crazy enough not to tell you about later.

On the eve of Presidents’ Day Weekend, what better time to posit this: If the chief executive garners 55% approval, he’s doing pretty well. If 45% hate his guts, he’s basically a winner. So how come we need to approve closer to 100% of the qualities of our dating candidates? After all, it’s not like they have the power to destroy the world. Just an evening.

In honor of the holiday, this weekend try loosening the restrictions on your JDate laundry lists. Toss out your old images of Mr. or Ms. Right. 45% of his or her qualities repel you? Congrats! He or she is a keeper!

And guys, whether you grow up to be President or not, may JDate help you meet your first lady… who just might become your last lady.

Okay, it’s here. The day you’ve all been looking forward to. If you’re a florist or dentist. The day we can finally stop noticing Hallmark displays that kvell over affection that nearly equals my passion for looking the other way in response to public displays of affection. Update: Hallmark just replaced them with Passover cards. Why live in the present when you can live in the warm and fuzzy near future?

Months ago I recorded Valentine’s Day, the movie, because venting while watching something you suspect will get on your nerves can be therapeutic. I’ve yet to set foot near it. Why do I diss both the holiday and the movie I’ve not yet seen? Because I’m not currently running slow motion through a field of daisies, that’s why.

The first time audiences watched people running slow motion through a field of daisies: “Aww. They must be in love. How sweet.” The second and subsequent times audiences watched people running slow motion through a field of daisies: “Hope this popcorn tub doubles as a vomit bag.”

I’m done venting. Have fun tonight, all you observers of the holiday. For the rest of you – happy Passover.

Da Dump! … Da Dump! The foreboding music from Jaws? Yes. Plus it’s also the ominous sound of Valentine’s Day about to bite us and our wallets. We just overpaid for a night on the town on New Year’s Eve. Aren’t there other ways of demonstrating your love besides getting ripped off? No. The restaurants know we’re trapped – why else would they jack up the prices?

When I offer up Valentine’s Day gifts, I feel like such a walking cliché. “Oh, a heart-shaped package of chocolates. How novel! And flowers. So… lacking in original thought-ful!”

You also run the risk of overestimating the relationship. “What makes you think we’ve reached the red roses stage? Pink roses, maybe.”

I don’t know about you, but when St. Valentine nears me, his aim gets sloppy. Our hearts may be his target, but his arrow winds up grazing our handheld devices before images of little iPhones®, not valentines, erupt over our heads. Translation: We’re checking JDate for what else is out there.

Just kidding, guys. It’s a great holiday. And we’ve still got a week to finalize our plans. How ‘bout… chocolate flowers?

The other day, I checked out some profiles of some real dogs. As in the type that like to kiss you before getting to know you. I’m talking about the many women whose pics feature their adorable pooches.

Since when do dogs need Jdate to get action? Why do you think one dog year equals seven human ones? They’re out there having seven times more fun than we’re having! Okay, I’m having. I can’t just go out and start sniffing around somebody to let them know I’m interested in a dalliance. I have to be subtler. I need to make money.

You don’t see my mug horning in on canine dating sites, do you? They all write the same thing: “I don’t bite.” Real original. What do the dogs who aren’t attracted to the dogs there call them, humans?

Look, I’m a dog lover from way back. I grew up with dogs. I don’t mean to sound bitter. It’s just that… I need some petting too!

How much is too much time on the phone before that first hookup? How little is too little?

Too much can run the risk of forming a connection that will inevitably compete with the connection or lack thereof once you lay eyes on each other. A line I once wrote for George in a Seinfeld first draft: “Blind guys have it made. They don’t need looks! All they need is a cute voice. There are tons of women with cute voices!” Love may be blind, but on the road leading there, men and women are both visual creatures.

Being very auditory, I’m drawn to a certain type of voice. The wrong one is a deal breaker right away. The right one, I start filling in the other pieces to the puzzle, probably based on subconscious combos of other interesting women I’ve met across the years with similar voices. A recipe for ultimate disappointment if there ever was one! Before you get to filling in those other pieces… hang up the phone and meet them.

On the flip side, a woman recently avoided giving me her phone number beforehand. The voice inside me said, “This isn’t right.” I wound up basing our “chemistry” on our emails and her eternally smiling picture. How can real life measure up to that? It can’t. Lesson: Listen to the voice inside you. And before meeting her… hers.

How can there not be somebody else out there exactly like you, who thinks the way you do, who also happens to float your boat, who wouldn’t mind your floating their boat? Permission to board, sir! (That was the lady talking, not me.)

We’re not that unique in other aspects of life, are we? How can we be the only ones who totally get us and find ourselves absolutely irresistible? I only ask that rhetorically. If I truly found myself irresistible, I wouldn’t have resisted admitting that I was irresistible.

These are the questions many of us raise following yet another in a series of hookups that didn’t wind up hooking us. But if you did find somebody exactly like you, would familiarity breed contempt? “That face you make when you think you’re being cute. I hate when I do that. Could you not do that?”

In the end, we’re not looking for clones. We’re looking for complements… then compliments. Remember “You complete me” in Jerry Maguire? Yeah, sappy all right. Hey, it’ll be Valentine’s Day soon. What better time to drain a little sap? More on that “holiday” in an upcoming post.

As a frequent writer for the syndicated comic panel, Bizarro, I once depicted a character telling another character, “Hi, I’m…” before the other character replied, “Skip intro.”

During that first encounter with a prospective Ms. or Mr. Right, it’s as if we take a page from our own personal websites and relay our “About Us”. Imagine how much more we’d learn about each other if each of us revealed not only our personalized FAQ list. But personality-revealing IAA list.. Infrequently Answered Answers.

FAQ: What do you like to do for fun? IAA: Avoid spending time with overly successful people. FAQ: What was your longest relationship? IAA: Since the time you sat down till… (checking watch) … right now! FAQ: What kind of music do you like? IAA: Elevator. FAQ: Seen any good movies lately? IAA: No, because the actors in it are too successful.

Well, it’s getting late. I better – “Skip outro.”

In this era of ADD and multi-tasking, the art of focusing on something other than our own everyday mishegas is becoming a lost art. Aside from the hand-held devices that compete with actual hand holding, what if we tried letting go of those, as well as other barriers to bonding on that next JDate? This could be crazy, but hear me out. It’s called… hearing me out.

What if we paid absolutely no attention to our own needs, desires, egos, inner voices telling us what else we should be doing, and zeroed in exclusively on the conversation and well-being of the other person? Empathizing, relating, appreciating, learning. Not a one-way street dead end, but a synchronistic two-way street. They become fully invested in you, and you them. From the get-go!

The more invested you are in each other, even if it’s just a mental exercise, the more likely you’ll really start to become invested in each other.  Nice to meet you! Nice to meet you! You have nice eyes. (Or pick something about them that’s nice. Their nails. Their shoelaces. Something!) Thanks! You have nice eyebrows… Thanks! (My eyebrows? What’s wrong with my eyes? Inner voice, get lost. Back to them!)

Okay, we’re still in the beta stage here. Probably a few bugs to work out. But imagine, just imagine, if first dates made you feel good. With apologies to John Lennon, it’s easy if you try.

Wouldn’t it be comforting if in-person chatting on that all-important first date provided the safety nets and assurances of texting and online chatting? Namely emoticons. If I tell you a little about myself, and you say it’s interesting, how am I to know you really meant it, unless you utter it with conviction? Here’s how: If, after you say it, you tilt your head to the side and flash a big grin… : ) If it’s good enough for our computer screens, why not our naked eyeballs? (Hot first date. At least our eyeballs can get naked.)

Think of all the benefits. Aside from being able to scout out the other first daters at Starbucks® by virtue of their cocked heads, by date’s end, we’d have a firmer understanding of how things actually went. If one of us says, “I’ve gotta get going,” one imagines the go-getter isn’t exactly rushing home to input the event in their diary. (That’s a prehistoric blog.) But if after the remark, they turn sideways and grimace… : ( … that can only mean they’re sad about calling it a day!

We needn’t restrict person to person emoticons to first dates. Even after the relationship kicks into high gear and the couple wages its first inevitable tiff, a carefully placed head and goofy grin can take back an attack before it does irreparable damage:

“You loser, I wish I never met you!” Tilt head. Smile. Awww.