under Online Dating
Smoking hot women are fine. Smoking hot women – less fine. Having quit decades ago, I have no plans to pick up secondhand smoking, nor inflict on someone else the third-hand smoke I expel after breathing in secondhand smoke. Thoughtful, aren’t I?
When daters admit to smoking on their profiles, most check off “trying to quit.” Something tells me they’re blowing smoke somewhere else, if you catch my drift. If they indeed are trying to quit, how can I be sure their mood swings and desire to strangle me are just from the nicotine withdrawal? Meanwhile, I’m trying to quit the blind dating habit. Wonder if there’s a patch for that?
Then there’s physical info. Body Style: “A few extra pounds”. “Body Style” makes it seem like I could’ve ordered the compact. “A few” can mean any number of things: Ten. Twenty. Sixty. Am I getting warm yet?
“Extra” sounds like I’ll be receiving some kind of bonus. Why stop there? Complexion Style: “A few extra zits.” Personality Style: “A few extra demons.”
One of my favorite TV shows is Shark Tank, where budding entrepreneurs try to entice multimillionaires to invest in their big idea/product. This one would make a killing, I think…
“Hello sharks. I’m here today to ask for $100,000 in return for 25% equity in my product… I don’t know about you, but I always found chemistry in high school to be anything but enjoyable. The accidental explosions. Mysterious odors. Element charts I could never remember. Well, that’s ancient history, which I also found anything but enjoyable.
From now on, chemistry can be fun at the drop of a… drop. Meet… Bottled Chemistry! Just dab a drop of my exclusive formula on your earlobe and the earlobe of the person you want to engage with, and presto – instant chemistry!
Shark: “I don’t believe a word you’re saying. What are your sales?”
Nothing yet, but…
Shark: “The only zeroes I like are the kind that follow a bunch of non-zeros. You and your product are a big, fat zero, my friend. I’m out.”
Wait! Allow me to dab a little on my earlobe… and your earlobe.
Shark: “… I’m back in. You have lovely eyes.”
under Online Dating
Before you know it, it’ll be summer rerun season again. But when it comes to first dates, I always feel like it’s rerun season.
That’s because it’s all too tempting to reuse at least some of the same interesting anecdotes you hoped were interesting on the last first date you used them on. It must be how an author feels on a book tour, doing his best to inject freshness in a story he’s relayed countless times before. Or Broadway performers. They have to repeat the same words at least eight times a week! Like Speed Dating stretched out.
Those dolls that speak when you pull the ring? First daters need rings. Pull. “No brothers. Just a twin sister. We stopped wearing the same outfits last week.” Pull. “I’ve been to Paris twice, for free. Thanks to a game show, and a talk show I worked on.” Pull. “I once arranged a bogus meeting with Lorne Michaels at Saturday Night Live.”
Don’t forget to tip your waitress. I’ll be here all week.
Author Jonah Lehrer reports that every other pleasure gets old except for love; that we don’t adapt to it, and that even after 50 years of marriage, you can still find someone exciting. He wants to do more research on how we get addicted in the first place.
When it comes to finding the right sweetie in my life, maybe I should apply my successfully addictive personality when it comes to another sweetie, dark chocolate. (Reasonably healthy treat tip: Take three squares of Trader Joe’s dark chocolate, nuke it in the microwave for 90 seconds, drizzle it over some fat-free frozen chocolate yogurt, and watch it turn crunchy. You’ll never eat plain old fat-free frozen yogurt again.)
I indulge in the above three times a week, on days I work out. So… I will now indulge in dating three times a week, on the days I don’t work out. If you’re closer to warm than frozen, I’ll still get my heart pumping, thank you.
We’ve all been there. When it’s time to put the dating game on hold for awhile. How much non-stop fun and merriment can you take? When I experience this phenomenon, I’ll let you know.
If you’re planning a distant future break, what would your dating “on hold” music be? Maybe something from the 2025 album, Adele 35, bemoaning the breakup with her third husband? Just kidding.
As for what I’m missing during my solitary sojourns, instead of zeroing in on the couples around me laughing and holding hands, I try focusing attention on the mute long-married spouses in restaurants sporting pained expressions. It’s nice watching people who want what I have.
under Date Night
Back in the quaint old pre-dating site days, I was surprised to learn an SWF I’d met off a personals ad had left out one important abbreviation in describing herself… TS… Tourette Syndrome.
I instantly went into overdrive attempting to make her comfortable with my painstakingly blasé reaction, to which she attributed her ability to keep her symptoms in check. But I must admit the shock of her news kicked off a surprised expletive or two in my head.
To not make her think I wouldn’t call her again because of her condition, I called her again. After which I didn’t call her again.
Blame it on the W in SWM. “Wuss.”
As tax day looms around the corner, what do you find most taxing about relationships? After all, both men and women need their alone time, their space. Which is good, because absence makes the heart grow fonder. Clichés are there for a reason. Although if what goes up must come down, tell that to gas prices.
Speaking of clichés, if you’ll allow me to generalize, I have found that many women do tend to enjoy exercising their loquaciousness more than we guys do. Okay, you like to talk a lot. Talk is cheap. That’s another cliché. But not when it’s ordering a glass of the 2001 Chateau de Beaucastel Chateauneuf-du-Pape. Okay, I’m cheap.
May you get back everything you deserve and more from your wine, your relationships, and Uncle Sam. I’m done talking now. I’m a guy.
under Date Night
The Supreme Court has made their ruling about health care, but we won’t hear about it until June. What if there was a Supreme Court for dating?
I once annoyed a date of mine by pulling up into her driveway and gently tapping the horn. Once. And not a big honk, mind you. I saw her image in the front window. We’d been out several times before; I’d called her en route letting her know I was running late for the movie. I was actually thinking the whole thing was kind of a sweet throwback to teens hooking up on a warm summer night. I opened the car door for her. In every other sense, I was the gentleman. But she was steamed. If I’d seen her with a “Honk if you love annoying me” bumper sticker, at least I would have had a clue. But again, it was a mini-toot, not a honk.
I’ll await your decision, Supremes.
If relationships were like new car models… which improvements would you want to see in your 2013s?
Greater mileage, of course. More stability. Improved brakes. (When things are moving too swiftly.)
Better absorption of the inevitable bumps in the road. More efficiently heats up and defrosts. Greater visibility. Okay, helps you see your world more clearly. I’m stretching now. Advanced security system. (“Do I look okay?” “You look great.” “Thanks, I feel more secure now.”) Room for 4 or more. Well, that’s if you want to start a family.
And most importantly… you won’t go broke come trade-in time.
under Online Dating
As his Meet the Press predecessor, Tim Russert, did before him, David Gregory likes to go to the videotape to highlight a guest’s past inconsistencies.
“You say you’re in favor of the bill, Senator. But in 2011 on this very program, you said you were against the bill. Roll the tape.” After tape ends, the senator replies… “Well, David, I’m not having a good morning. But a few minutes ago, you in fact wished me a good morning. Roll the tape.”
What if we could roll the tape in our relationships? “You say you like French restaurants and traveling to Australia, Susan. But in 2011 on your JDate profile, you wrote ‘low maintenance kind of gal.’ Roll the tape.”
Let’s hope she doesn’t go to the tape of when you said you were a ‘go with the flow kind of guy.’