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There are so many potential matches on JDate, how can one know when the right person comes along? Here are a few tips to help find the answer:
• Do we share common morals and values?
• Do I feel safe with this person?
• Am I comfortable expressing my feelings?
• How does my partner treat other people?
• Is there something about the other person that I hope to change?
• Do I still have feelings for an ex?
• What do I really want from this relationship?
• Why do I want to be in this relationship?
• Do I respect and like my partner?
• Do the two of us laugh when we’re together?
• Do I enjoy my time with this person?
• Do we have the same work ethic?
• How does this person treat his/her family?
• Do I trust this person?
• Do we have at least a few things in common?
• Can we have a respectful argument where neither of us puts the other one down?
• Can we have an intelligent debate without it turning into war?
• Am I attracted to this person? Physically, mentally and as a person in general?
• Do I look forward to spending time with this person?
• Does this person have generally the same future goals as me? For example; future children.
• Lastly, can I close my eyes and imagine being with this person years from now?

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Dear Gems from Jen,

Riding a bike. It’s been nine years and I thought I was finally going to be off this site forever.  He was a real charmer, gave great lip service and I was a fool to let him slide when his words didn’t match his actions..  I guess it’s easy when you’re told what you want to hear, “You’re 99% perfect for me” and “The right one.” I wanted a stable situation and long-term happiness, one where I wasn’t one isn’t “all that” in the morning and “too needy” by nightfall.
I fell into another abusive relationship, I started having  doubts in February…He broke my heart.
I tell myself this time it’s over for good.  I’m even back on JDate, yet my heart still wants to be with him because I know all the good there is in him (his past wounds are still too much for him to conquer).
What’s wrong with me?  Why would I hang onto a man who is probably nothing more than a bad drug addiction.
I know each day it’ll get better.  Just how is it that an intelligent girl (as I am) can be such a fool when it comes to men?

Really down right now.

Dear Bike Rider,

Sometimes our fantasies outweigh our realities. I know how difficult this can be.  Our minds keep playing over and over the good qualities and we tend to block out the negative qualities. There is nothing wrong with you. You are not a fool; you are human and just let the wrong guy in.  I don’t know anyone who hasn’t had this experience.  You fell into a trap that many of us have fallen into. When someone seems too good to be true, they usually are. Charm and seduction are hard qualities to let go of. Sometimes it is better to be ruled by our heads rather than our hearts. It sounds as if you know what is best for you and it is not this guy.  Give yourself time to learn the lessons you need to learn from this relationship. It’s alright to feel the way you are feeling.  Take comfort in knowing it will not be like this forever. Sometimes we have to experience the bad to recognize the good, so when the right person does come along we are ready and grateful.

Signed,
Gems from Jen

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Dear Gems from Jen,

Why do men lie about their age?  I personally would like to date an older man.  In my opinion an older, sophisticated man brings much more to the table offering stability and security, as well as goals met. This leaves much room for the successful development of a relationship. Of course, we all come with different baggage, but for me I would welcome a man ten to fifteen years older than myself. But, why would any woman be interested in starting a relationship being mislead. Why do men lie about their age?

Dear Pam,

I wish I had an answer that explained this mystery to you.  People don’t tell the truth for numerous reasons. I do believe our society tends to put the younger crowd on a pedestal. Getting older is looked upon by many as not attractive. I believe with age comes wisdom and a maturity that is very attractive. Not everyone feels this way though.  I agree, older men tend to bring stability to a relationship, but that does not mean younger men do not bring those same qualities to a relationship. I know, for me personally, I would not want to be misled; a lie is just that, a lie. An honest relationship requires being authentic from the very beginning, some people have a harder time at this than others. Do yourself a favor and make certain you put your age requirements in your profile. This way the men who are interested in getting to know you will not feel as they have to embellish the truth about themselves.

Signed,
Gems from Jen

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Is chivalry dead? Do independent women like chivalry? I am probably one of the most independent girls one could ever meet.  I go to work every day, pay my own bills, live alone, and rarely ask for help. I think nowadays some men believe independent women like to do everything for themselves.  I actually do enjoy taking care of myself 100%, but does that mean I don’t want to be treated like a girl? No, not really.  I have to admit I do like the car door opened for me. I like a door to a restaurant held open for me. I like to feel protected and cared for.  I like when a guy treats me like I am a girl. Not that I can’t do everything for myself, but chivalry, especially when I’m interested in the other person, makes me feel special.  In my opinion, chivalry is alive and well.

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I have gotten several letters from JDaters inquiring about dating people who are divorced. What about the divorced daters out there? What are the guidelines, rules, and tips?

• Make sure you are over your ex before committing to a new relationship.  If you think about your ex and still feel emotion, whether it is anger or sadness, chances are you haven’t moved on completely.
• Remember, the person/people you are dating might have questions/concerns about the divorce.  Be honest, but only share when you feel ready.
• The person/people you are dating are not your ex.  Comparisons are unfair.
• If you have children, only introduce them to the new person when the two of you have entered into a committed relationship. Anything else can cause your children confusion, anger and hurt. Remember, you are entitled to have a life, but children should come first.
• Lastly, enjoy yourself. Divorce is serious business and can be very draining.  Give yourself permission to live life again.  Staring over can be an exciting journey. Time does heal the wounds and second chances in love are more common than most people really think!

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I met a great guy.  We seemed to click on all levels.  Our date was planned for 7:00.  I had my getting ready routine planned down to the minute.  Get home from work, shower, hair, make-up, cute new outfit, the works.  At exactly 6:22, I was ready to go.  I knew it would take me approximately 15 minutes to drive to the meeting place.  I didn’t want to be early, but I had to account for LA traffic, ugh! I left, anticipation and excitement was in the air.  This was going to be great, I just knew it, or so I thought. After waiting for my date and sitting alone at a restaurant for 45 minutes on a Saturday night I was furious! No phone call or text.  He finally arrived and he was gorgeous to look at. He apologized and explained the traffic was horrific.  I forgave him, had a great night and we planned to meet during the week.

Again, I planned my time to the minute.  I arrived at the pre-arranged meeting place a few minutes early and you guessed it, I waited almost an hour this time.  When he finally appeared he had one excuse after the other.  I finally told him to stop with the explanations and just be honest. He finally admitted this was his downfall in life, he is always late! That was the last I saw of him.  If there is one pet peeve of mine it is tardiness. There is a lot I can forgive, but not this. I understand things happen, but being chronically late raises a red flag. For those of us still looking for Mr. or Ms. Right, it is important to know what it is we are willing to look the other way on and what it is we are not willing to let go of. I know for me all it would do is cause frustration and, eventually, resentment. I’m hoping my next date is chronically on time – that would be great!

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Over the last several months, I have received quite a few questions concerning long-distance relationships. It can be a great deal of work to maintain a relationship, especially one that has many miles between the two parties, but they can work.  Trust is definitely the major component here and, in my opinion, the most important component.

Trust can be established through communication.  It is vital that the lines of communication remain open and time is spent communicating.  Make sure your partner is your last call of the evening.  Take some time each and every day to send a quick email/text message to let the person know you are thinking of him/her. Don’t keep secrets and don’t do anything you wouldn’t do if your partner was standing directly in front of you. I also believe handwritten letters are a lost art. There is nothing like receiving a letter in your “real” mailbox. Put some time aside a few times a month to write letters to your partner. 

Make time to see the other person.  I realize money might be an issue, but maintaining a relationship does take face-to-face contact. Even if it is only once a month, find the time and money, it is well worth it! 

Signed,

Gems from Jen

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 Dear Gems from Jen,

So, I had asked you, earlier on the month, about a situation I had with a guy who had blown me off with no explanation after a great first date and constant texting and calls after. Well, his excuse was he lost his phone and came down with the flu. He apologized and we called a truce and I gave him a second chance which he seemed to be thankful for. Well, we met again for the second time the other night. The whole week prior to the date we texted each other constantly throughout the day and night (which bothered me a bit). I am used to talking on the phone a lot to get to know someone, but I have not dated in eight years so I just figured that texting is what singles are doing nowadays. Anyway, the date went well, we had a great conversation, he showed me pictures of his daughter, we talked about our kids and I was happy that we had met up again. He even commented on how happy he was that I gave him another chance. The date lasted four hours. Before we left the restaurant he told me to text him when I got home to let him know I was ok. I got home, texted him and went to bed.

 The next day I thought it a bit odd that I did not hear from him in the morning so I went about my day. Late in the afternoon, I texted him to say hi and asked how his day was going and I never heard from him again! Wow, do I feel like an idiot for giving this jerk a second chance. I am starting to think he has a girlfriend. Why would someone screw with someone’s head like this? If dating is like this nowadays let me stop right here. Who needs this aggravation and disappointment? That is why I left my husband. Since I am new to dating again please let me know if I did something wrong here…was it giving him a second chance?

Dear What Happened Part II,

Again, I’m sorry this happened to you. Sometimes, it takes us longer to learn the lessons we need to learn. This guy, as you can obviously tell at this point, is not being honest with you. He has a pattern here and if you ever hear from him again my suggestion would be to run the other way! I have no idea what his motives truly are, but he is not the straight-forward person he claims to be.

As for the texting, if this is not a comfortable way of communicating for you let the other person know. No one is a mind reader and you must feel comfortable in order to be fully vested in a relationship.

The only mistake you made was giving this guy a second chance.  We have all done it, so don’t beat yourself up. Just realize he is not the one for you and continue your search.  There really are nice guys out there!

Signed,

Gems from Jen

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Jen,

I feel obligated to call after a first date even if I do not want to continue dating the person. What do you recommend I say in such a situation? Do I say “I enjoyed meeting you but I think we should be friends”? Sometimes, I don’t even want to call, but I hear that women don’t like that. Maybe they really don’t want to hear from me again. What do the experts recommend in this situation?

Dear Obligation,

I completely understand your confusion regarding this dilemma. Calling is the polite thing to do. However, I believe you should be honest before the first date even ends.  If you are truly not interested, then do not let your date believe there might be more dates to follow. I do recognize that it is an uncomfortable thing to do, but honesty is the best policy here. Put yourself in your date’s shoes.  Would you want to sit around waiting for a call looking forward to a second date and that time never comes? I know I sure wouldn’t.

Now, with that said, if you did say you were going to call, then call. However, when you make that call be sure to let the woman know you enjoyed meeting her, but you are not interested in pursuing anything more. It takes real courage to let someone down gently and honestly. But, it is the right thing to do. I cannot tell you how many letters I have received on this topic.  The difference was most of these people have been ignored rather than treated with honesty. I’m glad to see there are people like you!

Signed,

Gems from Jen

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It’s that time of year again. It is in the air, Halloween.  A few weeks ago, while visiting my parents, I asked each one of them what Halloween was like for them as children.  Their answers were completely different than what I had conjured up in my own mind about each of their childhoods.

My mother was raised as a Conservative Jew. Her father was very observant and did not believe in putting any time and/or energy into holidays that were not strictly Jewish. My mother who grew up in New York City wasn’t allowed to trick-or-treat. She never dressed up, felt the excitement all day at school, or got to look forward to the chocolate bar before bed on Halloween night.

 My father was raised as a Reform Jew and was able to partake in trick-or treating. I always imagine his early years as Leave it to Beaver. He had an older brother, a working father, and a mother who seemed to be able to fix any problem in 22 minutes or less. His Halloween night was spent in costume going door to door collecting money for Unicef. Again, no chocolate bar before hitting the pillow for the night. But, what a concept; spending an evening with friends doing something for someone else. How many of us really, truly do that?

I grew up waiting for the one night of the year to collect as much candy as possible.  My brother and I would compete to see who could get more. It is not easy to admit, but at times I’m still like this. Putting my needs, even if they are just a hankering for a good old-fashioned chocolate bar before someone else’s.

If for just a few minutes a day we were to all do something kind for someone else I believe this world would be a much happier, kinder and gentler place. Think about this next time you go on a date.  Put yourself in the other person’s shoes for just a few moments. If you feel nervous imagine how the other person must feel. It takes a lot of effort to date and to put oneself out there. It makes us vulnerable which can be a scary place to be. Be kind with your dates. Honesty, integrity and helping someone feel more at ease are all signs of great character.  Make these attributes part of who you are and treat people in a manner that you would like to be treated. In essence, collect for Unicef on Halloween night, instead of going out there for as much candy as you can get your hands on. You still get the pleasure of trick-or-treating without gaining an ounce, and you did something good for someone else.  I imagine if we all took the time to do this all of our dates would have much happier endings.

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