Compatibility seems to be such a buzz word nowadays. I hear it over and over. Television, commercials, radio broadcasts, but what does it really mean? Compatibility is what makes us mesh with someone else. Here are a few of the important compatibility factors in a relationship:
Roles in the relationship- You both have a clear understanding of your separate roles in the relationship. For example, he cooks, she does the laundry. These roles are clear, but not static. There is always room for negotiation and re-working of the roles.
Intimacy outside of the bedroom- this includes; trust, support, and empathy for one another.
Sexual expectations-This facet of the relationship is discussed and agreed upon. Each partner knows the rules and respects what the other likes/dislikes.
Goals-You each have similar lifelong goals and dreams. You are both on the same path and have similar visions for the future.
Friendship-You genuinely like one another. There is laughter and smiles. You can rely on each other. There is little judgment and criticism.
Dear Gems from Jen,
Three months ago I met someone here who I absolutely fell for. The woman I met is 42 and was married for 20 years before divorcing. Then she had a 12 month relationship before ending it. I met her two weeks after that relationship. We’ve had an unbelievable three month dating relationship; however, she is not ready to open her heart for a committed relationship given her limited dating history. I find it unfulfilling to remain in a “dating relationship” with the freedom to also date others since I’m ready to meet someone for a monogamous relationship as I dated quite a bit last year and am past the “just dating” phase. Should I simply move on or give her time? This is the first woman that I’ve fallen for since my divorce two years ago.
Dear Staying Patient or Leave the Relationship,
It sounds to me as if you have some serious decisions to make regarding this relationship. On one hand you have fallen for her. I know what an amazing feeling that can be. On the other hand however, she has told you she is not ready for a committed relationship, she met you two weeks after ending a relationship and you are experiencing feelings of not being fulfilled.
What is it you truly want? If this is a woman you can see yourself with for the long haul, then go for it. Be aware though that she may never be ready and pushing her into something she is not wanting will only lead to feelings of resentment for both of you. Are you willing to be patient with this woman? Are you willing to accept that she may never want a monogamous relationship?
My suggestion would be to have an open and honest discussion with her. Let her know what your wants and needs are and listen to what she is saying to you as well. Stay true to yourself and do not let your dreams go astray if she is unwilling to commit to you for the long haul. If you honestly want a long term monogamous relationship you may need to move forward without this particular woman.
Gems from Jen
Everyone has a reason for dating. Not everyone has the same intentions for dating. Intentions are the most important facet of dating. If you have one set of intentions and the other person has another set of intentions, problems will inevitably arise. Below are some of the major dating intentions. Read through them and look to see where you may be on the list. Think about what each intention you have truly means. Search for people with the same intentions. This may take time and energy, but anything worth having is worth spending the time seeking.
Recovery from a heartbreak
Having a family
When you do meet someone that you are interested in spending more time with, figure out what your true intentions really are. Make sure you are both on the same page. If not, the relationship will be riddled with problems. Take your time and have patience. The better the intentions match, the more successful the relationship will generally be.
under Date Night
I have heard over and over one of the most uncomfortable parts of a first date is the conversation aspect. Even if we are self-assured and really looking forward to the meeting, a first conversation can raise anxiety levels to a heart pounding level. These tips for conversation starters can really help those of us who want to have a great first date.
What do you do?
What is your area of work?
What are your hobbies?
Where is your favorite vacation spot?
What is your family like?
What do you do to relax?
What do you do for fun?
What was the last book you read?
What was the last movie you watched?
What is your favorite television program?
If you could live anywhere, where would it be?
What type of music do you like?
Where did you go to school?
Where were you born and raised?
These questions are benign enough to not scare anyone away, but they also can give you some insight into what the person sharing this experience with you is all about. Remember to pay attention to body language, relax and enjoy yourself!
Dear Gems from Jen,
On my first JDate experience a year ago, I met an amazing man that I dated for about two months. He was everything that I was looking for in a potential husband. After two months, he stopped calling me and I was crushed. Looking back, I am not even sure that I can call it a “relationship”, there was no intimacy, kissing, hand holding, etc. I thought that he wanted to take it slow but after two months, you begin to think differently. I know that I felt for him more than he felt for me and I was quite sad when I didn’t hear from him again. A year later, I found him again on JDate and I sent him a message. He responded very enthusiastically and told me that we should meet up to catch up and gave me his personal email address. He kept postponing getting together and then stopped emailing altogether. Why would he reconnect again only to blow me off again? Am I crazy to keep pursuing him?
Dear Second Chances,
Are you sure this was a man that really could be a potential husband? As you stated there was no intimacy. He crushed you and now you are looking for heartbreak again. I know if I were in your shoes I would not find this type of behavior husband material. Perhaps your idea of who he was does not match the reality of who he truly is.
What would make you want to continue to punish yourself? This guy is not the amazing man you thought he was. He has played games with you, not once, but twice. No one deserves this kind of treatment. Unless you learn from your past mistakes, you are destined to make them over and over again. Take this opportunity to make the decision that you DO deserve someone who will reciprocate your feelings. You deserve someone who will love you both physically and emotionally. You deserve someone who will find you amazing. Don’t settle for what you perceive to be a great guy. My suggestion is to walk away from this situation without any hesitation.
As for the reasons as to why he would blow you off, only he knows the truth. You can decide to play a guessing game in your head or you can decide that he makes no difference to you. If you chose the latter, then spend your time and energy searching on JDate for a partner that will treat you with love and respect.
Gems from Jen
I started communicating with a guy a few weeks ago. At first I thought his caps lock key was a mistake, but nope, it wasn’t. He seemed bright, wrote well, and we seemed to have a lot in common. However, he wrote in all caps! What’s with that? Keeping the caps lock key on is the same as yelling in my opinion. It is bad online etiquette. In all honesty, it was a complete turn-off. I even asked him what would possess him to type in all caps. His reply, “I want to be noticed.” That was all I had to read before I lost all interest. Remember, caps on, translates to yelling.
It’s impossible to turn on the television without hearing about Tiger Woods or Jesse James. I think the most shocking part of the story is Jesse James seemed to have chosen the “perfect woman.” Obviously, he didn’t. The part that gets me is these other women coming out of the wood-work. I know I have wondered why someone would want to be a mistress. What’s in it for them? How can we as women avoid this pitfall? I’m not naive, I know it happens every day, but it usually turns out to be a negative experience for all parties involved.
It has been my experience that these other women are looking to fill a void in their lives. If you have ever had an affair or are considering the possibility, keep in mind there are probably more issues going on than you are aware. My best suggestion is to consider the pay-off. What exactly can you get out of a man who has a number one woman in his life? Remember to consider the consequences of engaging in this type of behavior and keep in mind you deserve to be happy with someone who loves you and only you.
Dear Gems from Jen,
I dated this guy for about two months, and although it wasn’t a passionate love affair, it was progressing in a good direction. I met his entire family for brunch on back-to-back weekends. His parents are divorced, so I met all four parents and his siblings. I definitely got the impression that they liked me and he did validate my thoughts by saying that he was glad that I came to brunch to meet his family. The change in how he viewed the relationship came on suddenly. I asked him to go to my home city for Passover weekend and he was a little hesitant. He then forgot that we had plans the next day. We have different energy levels and I am very social. Sunday, he said he was so happy that we spent the weekend together, and then Wednesday he sends me a text message that he can’t go to my home city for the weekend, because he is not up to it. I called him a half hour later and he ends it, because he thinks that he can’t keep up with me and that he is afraid he can’t satisfy my needs. He said that he can’t handle the possibility of falling in love with me and then getting rejected. He said, “I was out of his league and because I am so wonderful, he has to end things.” My friends initially thought this was not possible, and that ‘he was just not that into me,’ but after his actions since then, it is not clear what to think. He de-friended me two hours after he ended it, had his sister de-friend me a few days later, ignored my text message asking him to dinner to talk, and then de-tagged himself from every photo of us. I finally went to his house to talk to him and he said that he has a fear of abandonment and loss. The closer he gets to someone, the more he has to lose. He said he needed to end it before he fell too hard and then I left him. I have never dealt with this type of problem before. Is this a common issue and is there an easy way to avoid these types of men in the future?
Dear Fear of Abandonment,
Whatever his reasons may be for not wanting to see you any longer, count yourself lucky that you found out sooner rather than later. I know this is easier said than done, but don’t give him a second thought. He is most certainly not worth your time or energy.
I cannot speak for all of the men out there, but, no I don’t think this is a common issue. People do have fears of abandonment, but without the risk there is no reward. If everyone held back for fear of rejection and/or loss then everyone would be single! In my opinion, men who are willing to take a risk are much more attractive.
I’m not sure if there is an absolute answer to avoid men who display this type of behavior, but there are some guidelines to follow. Only date men who display self confidence without being cocky. By this I mean, a man who is not afraid to share his emotions and is also interested in what you are feeling. Only date guys who are willing to do their fair share of the work in terms of the relationship. For example, a man who calls when he says he will call, a man who doesn’t leave all of the planning up to you, and a man who shows as much interest in you as you do in him.
Remember that you deserve to be happy and settling for anything less is doing yourself an injustice!
Gems from Jen
A huge mistake a lot of people make when beginning a relationship is to put the new person before themselves. It feels good to put others before ourselves, but in the end it will inevitably lead to resentment. Our needs are important and need to be fulfilled before we can give love to another person. Taking care of ourselves helps our sense of self worth to flourish. Take some time to get to know yourself. Don’t lose touch with family and friends. Don’t give up hobbies. Make time for yourself and pamper yourself. Once you are fulfilled, a relationship will complement rather than fill a void that can never be filled by another person. Loving thyself is the most important gift we can give ourselves.
After a long day at work I had an interesting call from an old girlfriend. This particular phone call was enlightening to say the least. My old friend has been dealing with some interpersonal relationship issues in almost every area of her life. She had recently met a guy and began a friendship. She swore it was just a friendship, and I do believe she was telling herself this as well. She is an engaged woman and met this guy at work. They seemed to have a lot in common and they were just friends. However, she did start to develop some feelings towards this guy.
When she called me I knew instantly something was wrong by the tone of her voice. The guy friend admitted he was engaged and told her he was developing feelings for her. He told her that a friendship between the two of them was impossible. She agreed to end the friendship and was incredibly angry and felt betrayed due to his lack of honesty regarding his engagement. She vented to me for about 20 minutes. She cried, was angry and appeared as if she had been scorned. I asked her if she shared with him that she too had a fiancé. To my surprise, she had not shared this info with her now ex-guy friend.
After discussing the matter with her, she came to the conclusion that perhaps she was so upset because she had not been honest with him and she knew it all along. She saw in him in what she dislikes in herself. It was as if she was looking in a mirror. A mirror tends to give an accurate reflection. My suggestion is to always look at qualities in another person that you don’t like. See if those qualities apply to you. If they do, change might be necessary.