Author Archive

Dear Gems from Jen,

How can I find the right person to date? I’ve been trying to find the right person and be happy with that person. I’m single and have not dated in a while. I am afraid to start.

Dear Afraid to Start,

You have already taken the first step in your dating journey.  Acknowledging your fear is a positive step in the right direction.  Take solace in the notion that most people are afraid to start. Dating can make us vulnerable and heighten our insecurities. However, without sounding cliché you must take the risk in order to reap the reward.
Begin with updating your JDate profile.  List your strengths. Put up some recent photos and enjoy the process of starting. Browse profiles whenever you get a chance and reach out when someone grabs your attention.  If you want to find the right person and be happy you are going to have to start at some point.  There is no time like the present.

Signed,

Gems from Jen

It can be such a tricky situation: dating and children.  There are so many single parents out there who want to get back into the dating arena. What happens when your child does not approve of your dating life? I have worked with many families who have faced this very dilemma. Children’s feelings are incredibly important, but the best example parents can set for their children is to live happy and fulfilled lives. If every parent who wanted to date, didn’t because of their children and fear of disapproval, they would be in actuality living lives of martyrdom.  Children who grow up with parents whose needs are met, are taught to tend to their own needs. If you are one of those parents who generally puts your own needs on the back burner, keep in mind you are potentially setting your children up for a lifetime of guilt for depriving you.  If you’re taking care of you, you will teach your children to take care of themselves when they become adults.

We all know the term and my guess is we all have seen profiles that advertise as baggage free or looking for someone with no baggage. What in the world does this term really mean? Are we supposed to believe that there are “baggage free” people out there? Unless you have been living under a rock, baggage is inevitable. I prefer to use the term experience. Without experience, human beings have nothing to weigh moments in life against. Do you really want to date someone who hasn’t spent time dating and learning what he/she likes or dislikes in potential significant others? Do you want to date someone who has no clue how to communicate with a romantic partner? Do you want to date someone who has to be molded in every sense of the word? Unless these are qualities you are looking for in another person, remove the word “baggage from your list of dislikes. Baggage; AKA experience, makes us who we are and helps us to not repeat our mistakes.

A few years ago I ended a long-term relationship. One of my biggest complaints about this guy was his lack of follow-through.  He had a habit of starting something and getting very close to finishing whatever was started, but without fail, he rarely completed anything. For instance, I can recall his graduation from college: it was an exciting day, a day of accomplishment and the ultimate follow-through. We had a small party and his job search began.  However, he failed to have one class transferred from community college and never bothered to take the initiative to transfer the class.  He was able to walk in his graduation ceremony, but never received his degree. Hence, he never actually did graduate from college. All he had to do was pick up a phone and have a transcript sent from one school to another.

I remember one of my biggest complaints about this particular guy was his habit of opening a drawer and almost completely closing it.  Almost is the key word here. The drawers that he had opened were always left open. There were many times the drawer looked closed, but upon closer inspection, the drawer was ajar.   Not once can I remember a drawer being closed completely.  This got me thinking, can a drawer be a metaphor for who a person is?

My drawers in my bedroom are always closed. However, they aren’t always neat and tidy. On the outside it appears as if everything is in its place, but once the inside reveals itself, there is a chance the items inside the drawer will be in a state of disarray.  Is this who I really am? At times, absolutely! I tend to appear “put together,” but I have so much on my plate that at times I am a mess.  I’m not so sure I want this to be my metaphor for who I am.  I think one of my projects this week will be to begin to organize my drawers.

How does a relationship get off the ground? Obviously meeting and feeling an attraction is the first step in this process. I believe in our society relationships are projected as fairy tales. For those of us who have been in a relationship, we know this is usually way off of the mark. Everyone loves that feeling of euphoria, but rarely does it last. If it did, our society would be walking on cloud nine and in my opinion the world would have a lot less problems.

However, I digress. Once the feeling of euphoria dissipates the true relationship comes into focus. This is where those littlie idiosyncrasies come into play. He leaves toothpaste on the counter and she jabbers on and on about nothing. Sometimes, even in my line of work, I’m amazed when a relationship endures.  The good news is they can endure and a lot of them actually do! The key is to create moments of euphoria and learning the art of compromise. Chose your battles and communicate honestly and frequently! Once couples get this down then the true relationship begins.

Dear Gems from Jen,

I know there is supposed to be an amount of time before a guy calls a girl after a date.  However, I’m 24 and I’m not looking for high school drama anymore.

I really enjoyed this girl’s company on our first date.  We had an absolute blast and both agreed that we wanted to see each other again.  On the date, she mentioned she enjoyed “the chase.”  As you can tell, I’m not really that kind of guy.

How long should I wait and how can I make this feel like she has her chase as well? Thanks in advance.

L.I.T.

Dear Lost in Translation,

I’m not so sure there is an appropriate amount of time before a guy calls a girl.  If you were to ask 100 women how long should a guy wait to call my bet is you will have 100 different answers. Many women do enjoy the chase; on the other hand, a good number of us do not like to feel as if we are being smothered. Give her a call when you feel you want to speak with her. You don’t have to call her every day, but you do need to make it clear to her you are interested. Dating is not about game playing, but it is about timing. Avoid the drama all together and call her. If she is just about the chase you will find that out very quickly. She did agree she wanted to see you again, so put aside any fear and/or anxiety you may be feeling and pick up the phone.

Signed,
Gems from Jen

Dear Gems from Jen,

I have been seeing a man for the past six weekends. He prefers to text conversations and rarely calls. If I call him, it is not often that he will pick up the phone. I told him that I was a bit frustrated with texting and the way we were communicating.

His reply “If I am causing you pain then I’ll back off.” I just simply said, “Do you want to call this time?” He replied, “Yes.” However, it’s still text, text and text.

Ouch!

Dear Texting Not Talking,

I completely understand your frustration! In my opinion, there is something missing when texting is the main form of communication. Texting allows our own interpretations to take charge of what is really being said. There really is no substitute for a phone call. If this guy is not willing to communicate in a manner that you feel comfortable with then I agree; you have made the right decision regarding giving this relationship some time. Texting once in awhile is fine, but to have that as the main form of communication equals very little communication. It sounds to me as if he might not be the best match for you. Keep up the search on JDate and make it clear in your profile that communication is of the utmost importance to you. Hope this helps!

Signed,
Gems from Jen

Dear Gems from Jen,

I’ve been communicating with this guy for a little while now through email, text, and Skype and we both really like each other, but neither one of us have done the long-distance thing. Does it really work?

Dear Long Distance,

I do believe a long distance relationship can work if the two people involved make it work. Keep in mind open and honest communication is imperative when dealing with a long-distance relationship. You need to communicate daily.  Each person must set aside time each day to speak with the other person. Texts and emails are usually not enough. I always suggest a phone call at the end of the day. Also, time must be made to see each other on a regular basis. If each person puts in the effort long-distance relationships can be successful. Good luck to you!

Signed,

Gems from Jen

Dear Gems from Jen,

Background:  Briefly, met a nice girl online and we began dating during the first part of the year. I live in Connecticut, she lives in NYC. We had much to talk about and enjoyed each other’s company on our meetings.  Soon, I was staying over on weekends.  She took me out on my birthday; I took her out of NYC for Valentine’s Day.  We went to shows, comedy events, concerts, etc.  We never had a cross word, disagreement or argument. Suddenly, just a few days ago, she refuses to talk to me anymore – stone cold. We were on our second month. Nothing was ever spoken directly of being exclusive or anything like that. I think it was still a little early.

So what happened?  Why did she cast me off? Is there anything I can do?  I really liked this woman and did whatever I could to make our time together great.

Signed,

Lost and Broken

Dear Lost and Broken,

I am so sorry to hear about this. I do know from my own experience how difficult this can be to make sense of. I wish I knew what happened and her reasons behind not speaking to you any longer. I am not going to try and guess what her motivations are, but rather I am going to do my best to look at this from another perspective.

Even though this is probably going to be difficult to read and put into practice, please try. Look at it this way; she is a coward. Obviously something happened and she does not have the courage to explain it to you. Consider yourself lucky. Do you want to be with someone who runs and hides? Do you want to be with someone who does not have a clue about communication?  Do you want to be with someone who has the capacity to throw people away? I know I sure wouldn’t. I do understand that you need closure, but give yourself the closure. Make the decision to move forward without her. If she does get in touch, keep in mind these questions I have asked you. If she can do it once, she can do it twice. Give yourself some time to mourn the loss, but don’t dwell on it. It sounds like you are a great catch and there are many women on JDate who would be very grateful to meet someone like you.

Signed,

Gems from Jen

Dear Gems from Jen,

I have been seeing someone for over two months. He was flirty and intimate at the beginning. We communicate nearly every day, but only see each other every couple of weeks due to his intense work situation. He has been sick, as well as out of town on business. He is highly complementary and says he has never met anyone like me…and that he is very appreciative of how communicative I am.

He is cautious and has slowed down the physical intimacy and is no longer flirty via email.  He says everything in life is timing. He has NOT said that this is not working or that he just wants to be friends…he just talks about timing and being cautious. Building his business back to its former self is his biggest concern at the moment. I believe that we do have the basis for a relationship. How should I proceed with him? It is uncomfortable for me to date since I like him so much, but maybe I should?

Thanks for your help.

Dear Dating and Timing,

It sounds to me as if you are getting mixed messages from this guy. Always keep in mind that actions speak louder than words. Anybody can say anything, but it is the actions that truly count. He has told you everything in life comes down to timing. He has backed off, discussed caution, and turned his focus to work. I understand what it is like to have feelings for someone and not really wanting to date, however this relationship does not sound exclusive at the present moment. There are no guarantees in life. Don’t put all of your hopes onto this particular guy. Enjoy yourself and continue dating. Spending time waiting for him to move forward with you is no way to live. He might surprise you in the future, but in the mean time, consider your wants and needs and don’t settle for someone who isn’t as present in your life as you would like.

Signed,
Gems from Jen