Most of your problems can be solved when they are finally spoken out loud; when your closest friends pathetically judge them as you sit on top of your comfortable couch and blab about why something is not working out for you and how you desperately wish things would be a certain way.
Stop complaining, they will start off by saying until finally, after going back and forth for a little while, they will let you know that maybe if you want to change the way things are YOU need to do something about it.
Which was the case when I told my friends how I don’t get messages on JDate by the guys that I think are attractive and interesting. Their prime and dandy solution was simple: reach out to them.
- Do: Go after what you want and who you are interested in. Figure out what makes this person stand out and then tell them. Stray away from shy feelings and pump up your confidence level by reminding yourself what’s the worst that can happen? They won’t respond—so what?
- Don’t: Look at something that you desire and say I hope it comes to me. If you take that approach, you’ll be sitting on your couch, stuffing down a bowl full of popcorn waiting and waiting and waiting for nothing grand to happen.
Read more Jen Glantz, here: www.thethingsilearnedfrom.com
Most conversations I have with my mother ultimately lead to her asking for a schedule of any future dates I’ve agreed to go on. Which most of the time, my answer to her is explicitly simple and can be summarized in one of my most infamous and favorite sayings: I don’t have time.
“What do you mean you don’t have time?” She’ll demand, as if having a full-time job, perpetual errands to run, and an overwhelming desire for more sleep isn’t a good enough reason to name drop a phrase like that. “You’re just making excuses…this is your future we are talking about!”
Maybe she is right. Maybe “I don’t have time” is just an excuse for “I really don’t want to do this.”
- Do: Block out one day a week, if possible, for a date. That way when someone asks you out at the start of the week, you’ll have an evening reserved to give them a chance. If your life is off-the-wall busy, block out a few days a month until things begin to slow down.
- Don’t: Put dating on the back burner when a great opportunity to go out with someone or meet someone new comes to the forefront. Give someone a chance and be open to meeting people in the most bizarre places and situations—I’m very much talking about through online dating. Trade “I don’t have time” in for “I’ll give you a chance.”
For more from Jen Glantz here!
under Date Night
The internet gives us the best of times and it also gives us the worst of times. We can find out just about anything about the average internet user—AKA our new potential date. But how much information is too much information? How much intel is better learned through hours of in-person conversations and how much do we NEED to know beforehand?
- Do: look up someone briefly—just to make sure they are who they say they are. Search around until you have enough information to feel safe going out to meet this new person offline. Good sites to use for your search include LinkedIn, Facebook and Google.
- Don’t: Try to be an investigator. Don’t stalk through 5,000 of their Facebook photos, click around to find out information about their Ex, or waste too much time trying to find out every single crumb that makes them who they are. That’s what in-person conversation is for. It’s always awkward sitting across from someone, nodding your head and acting surprised when they tell you about how they were the varsity champion of their middle school soccer team—but you already know, because that’s how intensely you stalked them (guilty)!
Read more Jen Glantz here.
When I find someone who makes my heart feel like it’s pumping out an endless fountain of chocolate fondue, the next thing I am eager to do is introduce that person to my friends—the people in my life who keep me afloat and whose opinions matter more to me sometimes than my own flesh and blood. But it can be overwhelming and even if you beg your friends to be on their best behavior, they will slip in a comment to a guy like “Just so you know, you break her heart, I’ll break your face.”
- Do: Ease them in slowly. Have the new man in your life meet your pals in small groups, for a small amount of time. Have them “stop by” or meet them for one drink. Something casual and that incorporates just a bit of small talk. You don’t want to bring him out with you to a girls’ dinner or a friend’s Sex and the City Birthday bash—at least not for the first time.
- Don’t: Bombard the new lad you’re dating with a situation where there’s a tremendous amount of your friends circling him spitting out a fireball round of questions or engaging in conversation and making him feel left out. Put yourself in his shoes and understand how scary it would be for you to be introduced to his “Bro” world if a bunch of guys were spilling beers on your toes and playing a game of 20-questions.
Like most awkward and uncomfortable situations in dating, it’s best to ease into having your new “boyfriend” become friends with your “girlfriends”.
Read more Jen Glantz here: www.thethingsilearnedfrom.com
under Date Night
There are people who “try” online dating for a month or two, and then call it quits. They will go back and forth through a series of messages, venturing out from behind the computer screen for a date or two (which inevitably won’t go exactly as planned), and then decide enough is enough. They then throw in the towel and resort to living a lonely life of sinking into the creases of their living room couch, playing unlimited games of Xbox, and ignoring calls from Mom — because all she will nag about is why her kid is wasting their lives holding hands with a remote control. Here’s when you should give up… and when you should keep on, keeping on:
- Do: Give the online dating scene a chance. If it doesn’t work out, maybe take a short break, and come back to it refreshed and open to trying it out again. Sometimes it helps to just revamp your profile, or spend some time rethinking what it is you are looking for in a person and how serious you want to take this experience.
- Don’t: Go on one or two online dates and call it quits. Most first dates will be a little overwhelming or awkward, but that’s why there is sometimes such a stigma around first dates. Either decide to go on a second date with someone who has potential, or keep searching and corresponding with more people until you find someone else who sparks an interest in your head.
There is someone out there for everyone — the number of different types of online dating sites just reinforces that! Give it a chance, or two.
Read more of Jen Glantz here.
The scariest thing a person can say when they are in a bizarrely terrible and wrong situation is, “Well, I’m staying in it because I’m scared I’ll never find better.” There’s often comfort in chaos but there’s certainly not happiness. If you find yourself in this type of situation and can admit you’re still dating someone ONLY because you don’t think you’ll ever find someone else, you may want to remember a few things:
- Do: Believe that you are a special and terrific gem. There are things about you that are beautiful and magnificent, things that if you suddenly forget your mother and even your grandmother will take less than 10 seconds to remind you of. If the person you’re with can’t acknowledge these traits or make you feel wildly amazing about yourself, why be with them? Always be confident enough to understand what you have to offer this world and never settle for someone who can’t see these things clearly.
- Don’t: Doubt your gut. If your gut is feeling all mushy, like it’s experiencing never ending acid reflex, take that as a strong indication that it’s filtering the true feelings of your heart. Have the courage to walk away from situations and people that no longer respect you. You will find someone else.
Read more of Jen Glantz here.
Though I spend the majority of my time during the day at the computer, especially writing emails, when it comes to remembering to answer messages on JDate I’m simply the worst. Sometimes I won’t write someone back, who genuinely intrigues me, for over 2 weeks. It’s a tendency of a forgetful mind that has me reading a lovely message, smiling, and then quickly being distracted into doing something else.
Do: Answer your messages as soon as you feel like it. Don’t even bother trying to engage in some “I have to wait 24 hours to respond game.” It’s responding to someone, not getting proposed to. There’s no harm in responding quickly and if they find that to be “unattractive” and like a girl they can “chase”, well then move on. That’s just bizarrely bogus and there’s no time for a person like that.
Don’t: Try not to wait an extended long period of time to write back to messages. Keep the conversation flowing and interesting. It’s also very easy to lose a conversation in an overcrowded inbox. Either keep a list of people you enjoy messaging somewhere else to remember to follow up, or respond once you have opened the message to ensure you won’t forget.
Read more of Jen Glantz here: www.thethingsilearnedfrom.com
After going out on a first date with a guy, that mid-devouring a plate of nachos, I realized there was absolutely no future with, I was overwhelmingly surprised to get a voicemail from him just two days later. Instead of asking me out on another date, he told me that unfortunately he doesn’t see this going any further and would love to remain friends. Though we didn’t click relationship wise, I admired his courage, his honesty and his class for picking up the phone and breaking up with me (post a rough first date).
Do: Let someone know as soon as you can that you’re not interested in going out with them. Leading someone on just delays the inevitable. The least you can do is set them free from your charming chains and allow them to go out in the world and cling on to someone else who is better suited to sort through their baggage than you are. If you have the courage, give them a phone call or do it in person—It’s a difficult, yet well respected move. If you find yourself shaking in your boots, a simple polite text will suffice—and give them bragging rights of calling you a coward for a few weeks to come.
Don’t: Post it on their Facebook wall, tweet it to them in 140 characters, snap a photo of you smooching someone else and tag them on Instagram. Don’t ignore their calls and messages. Be a champ and pull the Band Aid keeping the relationship together off.
Read more from Jen Glantz, here: www.thethingsilearnedfrom.com
The first blind date I ever went on also happened to be the shortest date I ever went on. I was greeted by a guy in a twisted baseball cap, tripping over his own feet and stumbling over words to say hello to me as he came to meet me completely intoxicated. He was so wasted that after 15 minutes of sitting across from him clogging my nose from inhaling the awful smell of whiskey on his breath, he passed out on the table. He full on took a little nap while I paid the check, for my water and his lemon drop shot, and suck asylum in a nearby ice cream store.
Thanks to this debacle, I established a two drink maximum rule I like to stick to when it comes to first dates.
Do: Limit yourself. Even if you adore drinking and believe that you have quite the bottomless tolerance, stick to a two drink maximum. That way you will ensure that your words are not being sloshed together and you can still have meaningful conversations that you will remember in the morning.
Don’t: You may think that double fisting a few beers or throwing down some shots before a first date may help alleviate tension or those nervous shakes you’re beginning to get, but showing up all topsy turvey to meet someone will be an instant turn off and will automatically make them lose respect and interest for you. If you’re going to have a drink before, also have a breath mint. No one wants to hug someone hello who smells like tequila.
Read more of Jen Glantz, here: www.thethingsilearnedfrom.com
I’ve learned large fragments of stranger’s lives stories while sitting, alone, on my couch sifting through text messages that read more like short stories than quick back and forth “what’s up” banter. While getting to know someone through text message chatting before going out with them on an actual date is helpful and a great first step, too much “foreplay” with text messages can be an easy way to turn someone off.
Do: When texting someone you’ve never met in person, it’s perfectly okay to dabber in conversation over how their day was and to go back and forth, for a little, in order to get to know some of the things they enjoy and a few things that are important to them. When it comes to the best time to text someone, do so in the same hours that you’d communicate with your parents. Would you ever text your mom at 2am? Apply those same rules with date texting.
Don’t: Save your life stories, your epic monologues, your day to day play by play for the in person conversation. Don’t divulge in excessive texting of a person you’ve never met before for three main reasons: they may not get your humor before they meet you and be instantly turned off, it’s best to save some game and hot topics to speak about when meeting in person, and too much texting may make it sound like you’re placing them in a ‘friend zone’ with no intention to set up an actual date. Keep the texting to a minimum and to just a few days, then, go for the gold and ask the person out.
Read more Jen Glantz, here: www.thethingsilearnedfrom.com