Author Archive

Let Yourself See The Whole Person

by RollingStone9862 under Relationships

In any type of situation where we meet people and have an extended interaction with them we are going to learn certain things about them we like and other things we dislike. The first few conversations, dates, etc. might go off without a hitch; however we can’t keep all of our flaws and idiosyncrasies inside forever. Eventually, if you spend enough time with someone, they are going to learn things about you that aren’t necessarily great or flattering, and of course vice versa.

When we first meet someone and get involved with them it is always easy to ignore their warts and focus solely on their positive attributes because of how good it feels when you first start dating a person you are genuinely interested in and have fun with. We’ve all fallen into this trap where we turn a blind eye to the signals that perhaps the other person has flaws we wouldn’t normally let slide or be attracted to; this one time we convince ourselves that the positives outweigh the negatives.

Unfortunately though, the longer we continue to idealize the other person and the budding relationship the more prone we are to getting hurt when they finally do something that completely turns us off. Certainly I am not advocating anyone judge another person without truly having the chance to get to know them first. What I am saying is that, in all people, and relationships, there are good and not so good things about them.When we are getting to know someone I think it’s important we let ourselves see the good along with the bad so we can determine how we feel about the complete person.


Sorry, I Didn’t Mean To Scare You

by RollingStone9862 under Date Night,Online Dating,Relationships

After going out on first day after first date with none of them leading to a second I figured it was time for me to take a step back from dating and really take a hard look at what I might have been doing to perpetuate my one-date and out streak. I like to tell people new to online dating that one of things I like most about it is that because you get to email back and forth before going out, that when you do go, it usually doesn’t feel like a first date. However, last week when I was telling this to a friend who had just recently signed up for online dating, I realized this concept might also be at the root of my first date problem.

You see what I realized is that since I am naturally a very open person; when I went out on first dates I may have been overwhelming women with how comfortable I was through the stories I would tell and general things I would divulge about myself. What I came to recognize was that the main problem with this was that I was so relaxed from all of our emailing that I felt comfortable enough to say things that normally I wouldn’t divulge so casually when I first met someone.

From there I thought it would be a good idea for me to try to put myself on the other side of the table and consider how I would feel if a woman acted similar to how I usually do on a first date. Of course once I started viewing the situation from the other perspective it didn’t take me long to realize that upon hearing all of these stories and general facts about me women were probably becoming overwhelmed since it was too much personal information too soon. From this discover I realized that even though I was very comfortable with this dynamic that I needed to more carefully consider how I was projecting myself on first dates so that I didn’t continue to scare women away.

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I’d Like To See Your Resume Please

by RollingStone9862 under Relationships

Often times when people learn that I blog for an online dating website they think this means I would be a good person to get dating advice from. While I can completely understand what the perceived implications of my being a so-called “dating blogger” suggest I am always quick to point out that I am far from a dating expert.

During the past year that I have been a blogger for JDate I have always viewed my writing as a way to express my feelings about dating, tell dating stories and bring up dating related topics that I think are relevant. Furthermore, JDate has experts that write weekly blogs which give people information on how they might become better daters, answer reader’s questions and debunk popular online dating myths; therefore I have never seen my blog as the appropriate place to dole out advice.

Sure I have written many blogs where I have used a personal experience as a way to help guide people away from making similar mistakes; however I wouldn’t view these anecdotes as forums for giving advice. When I think a situation for advice giving I picture a person with a specific problem who is asking someone (a dating expert) for the best way to handle or approach it. In this scenario consideration isn’t necessarily given to whether the person you are asking for help has ever been in that situation themselves, or knows very much about the  personality or past dating history of the person asking.

When I write a blog about a personal experience I often times, at the end, leave the reader with what I learned from an experience, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they will have a similar outcome or should handle things the way I have retrospectively realized I should have. In the end everyone is unique, and so are their dating experiences, and as much as I wish I could help my friends or anyone else with their specific dating problems I am perfectly resolved leaving that up to the real experts and trying to help in my own way by simply writing about my experiences and hoping that at least one person can get something from reading them.

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It Really Does Work!!

by RollingStone9862 under Relationships

Online dating works. It really does. Every site loves to advertise the success rate its “clients” have, not only meeting people and going out on dates, but also how many of them end up getting married. Of course I knew these testimonials I was seeing on television and reading online weren’t fabricated. Yet, they really didn’t hit home with me until someone close to me met a woman on JDate he eventually married.

Many of my friends have used online dating as a tool to meet people for far longer then I have. But this was the first time that I knew well got married to a person they had met online. To be honest this struck me in a slightly different way than when my friends have married their college sweethearts or gotten married to people they met at work or through friends. I don’t mean to imply that that difference is negative, but rather just that it’s new.

Over the past several years online dating has become mainstream and forever influenced and changed the way that people meet, interact and date, which is something many of us are currently benefiting from. In the end I don’t know if I will find my future wife on JDate, through a friend or at a coffee shop. But I do find it comforting to actually know someone who is a true online dating success story.


The Post-Break Up Facebook Problem Part 2

by RollingStone9862 under Relationships

Even though I have never had a problem being Facebook friend with a woman while we were dating that doesn’t mean that there weren’t problem with us being Facebook Friends after we broke up…

The problem one faces when you seriously date someone you are Facebook friends with is that when you break up you are left with two, equally poor, options.

Option #1

You de-friend the person you were dating so that you don’t inadvertently learn any new information about them through the Facebook News Feed. Additionally de-friending them saves you in the event that you succumb to temptation, and view their page in order to see what they’ve recently posted or if they are dating someone new you, by giving you a fail safe which prevents you from the agony that inevitably results from such actions since you will no longer be able to view their page because you aren’t their Facebook friend any longer.

Drawback to Option #1

If you decide to de-friend the person you recently broke up with there is a strong possibility you will look like the smaller person in the situation and may receive flack about it from mutual friends. De-friending on the surface seems immature and might make it seem to the other person or people with knowledge or your break up that you aren’t handling it well.

Option #2

You remain friends with then and hope that you enter into a new relationship or post interesting information and pictures to your profile before they do, so you aren’t the one left feeling as though the other person is doing better without you, or doing better than you at that point in time.

Drawback to Option #2

You may inadvertently learn things about the person you broke up with you don’t want to know, which may lead you to feel bad about yourself or fixate on as a result. Information you may not want to know includes that they are dating someone knew, any information that makes it seem like they are doing better than you, or pictures that show them having fun, particularly with mutual friends or at places where you used to have fun together.

In the end there is really no good way to handle this situation, and to some the whole idea behind my past two blogs may seem ridiculous; but I was once in that camp and have through experience come to realize the potential unintentional psychological damage that being Facebook friends with your ex can inflict. Ultimately social media, and specifically Facebook, aren’t going anywhere, therefore we just going to have to adjust to this new aspect of dating, relationships and break ups, as well as the potential consequences or situations that they might present to us.

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The Post-Break Up Facebook Problem Part 1

by RollingStone9862 under Relationships

Social media and, for the purposes of this blog specifically Facebook, has transformed the way we access information about other people. Even though most of the information we are exposed to about people isn’t particularly relevant to our lives, or even information that we necessarily need to know, we are nonetheless inundated with it every time we access the Facebook site.

Personally, I assume everything I say, do or write is going to eventually be heard, seen or read by someone, somewhere, and therefore I try to limit engaging in activities I wouldn’t want people to see pictures of the next day, or write things on my blog about myself that I wouldn’t want other people outside of my close circle of friends and family to know about me.

After college I got my first job and during the time leading up to my first day I did my best to track down the pictures other people had posted of me that weren’t, shall we say, flattering. It was during this exercise when I began to realize the true extent of how much my, and pretty much everyone else from my generation’s life, was on Facebook for (depending on your privacy settings) everyone, or at least all of our Facebook friends, to see.

It wasn’t until my junior year of college when Facebook made its’ way to Indiana University. Yet, this still left me with plenty of time to fill my Facebook page, and many of my friends’ pages, with “interesting” pictures, comments and other information. Through the Facebook newsfeed I am inundated every time I log on to the site with information about what my Facebook friends are doing, where they are, and what information and pictures have recently been posted about them or they added to their profiles.

As a result of this newsfeed, and the access that my Facebook friends have to the information and pictures attached to my profile, I have definitely been more careful with who I accept to be my Facebook friend, which includes not only people I meet but also women who I’m seeing. Initially the thought of being Facebook friends with the woman I was dating seemed like a no-brainer since, after all, it was only Facebook; it wasn’t until after going through a break up that I realized being Facebook friends with your ex was a potentially complicated situation.

Even though I have never had a problem being Facebook friends with a woman while we were dating that doesn’t mean there weren’t problem with us being Facebook friends after we broke up…

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What Are You Really Saying?

by RollingStone9862 under Relationships

How can you tell if the reason someone is breaking your date is the truth or just an excuse to get out of going out with you? Since most of the planning for my dates is done via text message it is often difficult to interpret the true tone of what the other person is saying. Additionally, since it is common practice nowadays to throw around exclamation points and smiling faces in text messages it is also difficult to tell whether someone is truly expressing excitement in what they’re saying or if that’s just how they end all of their messages.

Personally I try to be straightforward in my texts since it can be very easy for people to misinterpret the messages they receive. Also, I try to maintain a good rapport and vibe with my texting leading up to the first date so that we can build a stream of momentum that will hopefully carry over once we meet. However what happens when out of the blue you receive a text cancelling your date due to a seemingly reasonable excuse such as that they had to work late? How am I supposed to interpret this information in the moment so that I don’t get down on myself by thinking I did something wrong?

Obviously it’s believable that the person you are supposed to go out on a date with had to unexpectedly work late; but it is also reasonable to assume an excuse this convenient could signal they were just looking for a way out of the date that didn’t hurt your feelings. Either way the bigger problem I have with this situation is what I am supposed to do following their cancellation? Personally I think that if you cancel a date, for whatever reason, you should be the one who initiates rescheduling it. Yet I would never want my silence or passive behavior to indicate to the other person that I am no longer interested.

On the other hand if they were trying to cancel our date because they no longer wanted to go out I don’t want to look foolish by continuing to message them when they are trying to push me away without hurting my feelings. Ultimately there is no ideal way to handle these types of situations and I guess it really comes down to whether or not your previous dating experiences have led you to be as skeptical of these kinds of excuses as they have for me. In the end the only thing you can really do is to wait and see how they handle things after cancelling your date because if two days later you don’t hear from them then you probably have your answer.

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Of All The Names In The Hat…

by RollingStone9862 under Relationships

When you sign up for online dating one of the features that most sites offer is that they will periodically send you suggestions via email of people they believe most closely fit who you are looking for. Some sites might have you answer a long list of questions and then, using a complicated algorithm, send you the people they think you might be interested in. But others have methods that are much less scientific and more random.

Like everything else with dating I think that this process, no matter who scientific a given site might try to make it seem, is very hit or miss since I have been sent matches who I’ve ended up contacting and others I wasn’t interested in at all. However, regardless of the success rate, sending people matches is a tool that sites employ to help users be exposed to more people and hopefully help foster more relationships.

I am currently in the process of looking for an apartment with two other friends of mine (one male and one female) and recently, after spending some time together looking for places, I called my female friend when I got home to ask her a question I had forgotten to ask while we were together. While we were generally chatting I opened up my laptop and began checking my email only to discover a dating website had sent me a fresh set of matches.

Since I am always very interested to see who the website thinks I will be compatible with I logged on, while we were still talking, in order to check. After briefly skimming through the profiles of the first two matches I determined I wasn’t really interested in them so I moved onto the third who, from the small profile picture, looked cute. The page took a little longer than normal to load since the Internet connection in my room is sometimes spotty. But once the page came up I immediately recognized my third match as the friend, and soon to be roommate, I was on the phone with.

Rudely I interrupted her mid-sentence; =I felt like this was a story worth changing subjects in order to tell her. After telling her the story we both had a laugh at how the site had selected us as being a “good match.” In the end I am not going to date my friend, no matter how compatible any dating website says that we are. However, after learning how suited the site thought we were for each other, I did feel even more confident that we are going to be excellent roommates.

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Maybe We Want The Same Things?

by RollingStone9862 under Relationships

I am a 27 year old male; the key word in which I would like to focus on for the purposes of this particular blog is “male.” Males and females are different when it comes to dating. We traditionally play different roles; we have different expectations and often times want different things though recently I’ve been wondering if the gap between what males and females expect/want out of relationships, in general, is closing.

Sure there are a number of things, besides just sex and age, which factor in to determining what an individual is looking for when it comes to dating and relationshi but I think both males and females have been drawing closer to a common norm for some time now. Of course this is not to say I think the average 23 year old male and 30 year old female are now looking for the same things when it comes to relationships, but rather that 27 year old males and 27 year old females are looking for more of the same things than in the more recent past.

Obviously this is a very disputable point, based solely on my limited experience and observations; but I did want to put the idea out there since I had been thinking about it recently. Perhaps when people of both sexes are single and in their late-twenties or early-thirties they are going to naturally evolve to want similar things. However, I think there is more to it than just getting older and feeling more pressure to be in a relationship and get married.

With more and more people postponing their personal lives in pursuit of professional goals it would seem that the opposite effect would be occurring; however I think that once men and women reach a certain point in their lives they instinctively begin to shift their priorities back toward finding a mate and starting a family. I don’t know, maybe I’m not explaining this whole concept correctly since, as I reread through this, blog it doesn’t sound the same as in my head, but regardless let me end this piece with a continuation of the statement that I opened with; “I am a 27 year old male and I think that I have much more in common, when it comes to dating and relationships, with 27 year old females than I think.”

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Let The Chips Fall Where They May

by RollingStone9862 under Relationships

I think after you break up with someone you have been going out with for a while it is difficult to get back into the flow of dating again. After going out on first date after first date you finally met someone that you felt a connection with, only to have things end, putting you right back in the same spot you were before that relationship began.

To some people first dates are an exciting adventure where you are getting the chance to meet someone for the first time and see if they spark that fluttery feeling in the pit of your stomach that we are all hoping for; although if you have gone out on as many first dates as I have over the past year then perhaps you feel, as I now do, that the first date isn’t as fun as it used to be.

Since most of my first dates have ended in romantic disappointment I have now tempered my expectations back so far that it is difficult for me to even imagine one going well. Additionally, since so few of the first dates I’ve gone on have led to relationships, and the ones that did were spaced out, it is nearly impossible for me to believe that lightening could strike twice in a row and I might be able to immediately jump right back into another relationship.

However regardless of my skeptical and, to an extent, self-defeating attitude when it comes to first dates I don’t want to impose limitations on myself as to when I get back on the horse. Maybe it will be a week before I meet someone that I want to ask out, or even a month; however I know that I am going to go out on another first date at some point soon, and when that day arrives, just like every other first date I’ve been on, I’ll just have to see what happens.

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