Author Archive

I rarely get excited for events of any sort of religious nature, but the Schmooz-A-Palooza is coming up around the corner and is always an exception. Rather than a mixer where one goes to meet Mr. Right, she goes to meet and greet Mr. (or Misses!) Right Now, in a low-key, no pressure type of setting. The three floors filled with scandalously-clad kids allow for absolutely no boredom, and an endless array of active options. More or less, this night (unlike all other nights) serves as one giant reunion, and in addition to meeting people of a newer nature, ghosts from friends past, present, and future come from The Valley and the Westside to join in the festivities of a party so grand it takes an entire year to put together. So rather than stuff stockings and wait for the obese jolly man who could certainly use a fat flush stat, get to the party that everyone else and their mother will be at. More than likely you have work off the next day anyway and you never need an excuse to let loose on the famed sunset strip.

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Nothing is more awkward than the dreaded friend of the family set-up. As if dating wasn’t irritating enough, now you have various members of the peanut gallery suggesting future flings for you! So what do you do? Appease them, and spend at least an hour of your life wishing you were anywhere but here? I guess that hour beats an entire week of guilt tripping cate of every member of your family. But, to the rebellious jewish princess that more often than not dates everyone she shouldn’t, what exactly do you have to lose? In fact, one of these set ups may surprise you, and you could wind up with, dare I even suggest it, someone your mother would approve of! I know, that in and of itself is not exactly a turn-on, but not having to listen to fifty-five members of your family bitch at you about the sitch is reason enough. So give up an hour and you may be pleasantly surprised. You can always come up with some form of domestic emergency later if things don’t work out- like your cat decided to play in traffic, or the cupcakes you don’t even know how to cook up are burning and now your house is on fire. Just be creative, you don’t want him to know you’re ditching him to head home for a better date with your DVR.

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One of the various perks of MMA training is that when you fall in lust with a fellow fighter and they happen to aggravate you, you can actually beat the living daylights out of them. You can channel said anger into a right cross that happens to end up in a fist-meet-face scenario. This type of very physical therapy is probably my favorite. Not only does it serve you in the future by making you even hotter than ever – it’s as if your motivation is right in front of your face! Could the urge to workout be any more convenient? I doubt it. In Los Scandalous, a land of too many size twos, where eating is a less-than- fabulous faux pas, a girl can use all the motivation to lose the lbs. that she can get. So even though he may have kicked you where it hurts (your heart), you can seek superficial vengeance when you accidentally feng shui his face. Welcome to the new form of psychiatric help. The less expensive one-on-one therapy that happens to keep you sane. So when your current crush turned crash wants more, show him what he’s in for. You can’t keep a good girl down, for too long…

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Dear Diary,

Going on day thirty-something of current crush and my prey seems to be moving with the speed of a Special Olympics hurdler. You’d think the slow pace would make it easier to pin my target, but no, instead it only serves as a form of torture that I thought they ruled as inhumane back in the Middle Ages. So in a land where I needed an actual translation for “taking things slow,” I found myself in a foreign territory where no amount of transliteration could explain the phrase. You may be thinking, ‘perhaps he’s just not that into you?’ I thought the same until evidence to the contrary had me enrolling in dating 101 faster than the new McLaren goes from 0-60. I feel like a rogue pinball bumping into obstacle after obstacle just trying not to lose. I’m holding steady (as she goes), tiptoeing around the flirtatious comments and wishful sexting, using all the strategy and concentration required for a drunken game of Jenga. The thrill of the chase is exciting, but the actual ability to entangle your prey in a web of ‘happily ever after’ is even more alluring. I guess the ‘happily ever after’ only works if the ‘once upon a time’ has an actual story to go with it though. Snow White bit the apple, and the bite was worth the price, so here’s to wishing, waiting, and hoping that the poison is worth it…

Always,

SweetLo

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Sometimes you think you’re over someone.  You take comfort in your current crush and roll with the punches.  Then, you see pictures of your former fling formidably happy with someone else, and, suddenly, sipping endless amounts of Vicodin seems the best way to distract yourself from any other drug of choice.  The question is, why are they happy when you’re ready to slit your wrists?  And even the thought of stitching yourself up isn’t enough to hold you together when, clearly, you could have made him happier.  So, if the only obstacle was a geographic formality, is there still hope?  Is the one thing missing that grand (albeit expensive) aerial gesture?  No, the fact of the matter is, if he wasn’t willing to fight for you – why fight for him?  Instead, roll with the punches and submit whoever can’t keep up for three rounds.  More than likely, they wanted to give in for a reason.  Attribute that to your chick charm – or ability to intimidate.  Either way, you won the match….

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Hollyweird really knows how to breathe new life into the night of the living dead.  With girls traipsing around in next to nothing and dudes pretending to be someone they aren’t, the night was everything you could hope for in a masquerade.  That being said, my date with Rob Zombie was a hectic and hazy experience – but well worth the chaos.  Aside from the pretty little things that peppered the Palladium, the mosh pit was a mangled mess of a situation (much like my love life) and those brave enough to participate enrolled themselves in a drunken dance of punching and pushing that looked more or less like a ballistic ballet gone awry.  It’s nice to pretend to be someone else for a whole twenty-four though, what’s life without a little role-play?  So when you get bored with your current crush sitch, just don a disguise and go out looking for new guys.  It’s nice to get a little devilish in the City of Angels, and even better when all hell breaks loose.

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So 56 or so minutes into one of several conversations with current crush the whole “when was your last relationship” topic was brought up. Not a typical aphrodisiac inducing conversation, but neither one of us was ready to back down. So this man of few words said all the right ones without hesitation – either serious relationships, or nothing at all, there is no in between. Now, as a girl who’s entire life consists of only in-betweens, the writer with an ever ready array of witty rapport was left without words. Suddenly, I was face to face with the fact that in-betweens are often unfulfilling and a mere waste of the space continuum, rather than a way to bide time until the next in-between can become the last. I had not been forewarned that the foreplay was about to take a serious turn for the better, but I went with it. After all, in a world with endless options, sometimes you just want “The one.”

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In an effort to ditch the guys I know I shouldn’t want, but tend to get anyways, I started looking for potential dates in places other than the usual Hollyweird hotspots. What I failed to notice, since apparently it’s been five years since I’ve had a crush and not a crash, was that most of the great guys are always right in front of you. Now, I’m totally against the available “meat” (& greet) market available at the gym. I’m more of a get in, get out, go home kind of girl (insert obvious that’s what he said joke), so I failed to notice that the cardio wasn’t the only thing making my heart race. Instead of the obvious five second once-over that you get along with any cocktail and club cover, the flirty faux friendships formed at any fitness joint are cause for something that has an expiration date beyond that of a one night fling thing. So, take the cardio from the elliptical to a post-work-out wind-down that serves as motivation to stay in sleek shape.

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My favorite holiday is right around the corner, the one where you get to dress up and masquerade around Hollyweird dressed as a completely different person. A free pass given to every girl dressed with skirts so short there’s no point to wearing them at all, and guys can gawk without being even remotely discreet about it. But aside from all the carnal couture and faux freaks that scatter throughout the city, the holiday entitles you to be whoever you want for one night of debauchery in lieu of another night of the normalcy we all know and abhor. So don your most shocking American Apparel and stalk the streets in something sinfully sweet, because the expiration date on this fantastic free-for-all ends promptly twenty-four hours after the start of All Hallow’s Eve. So find a trick, or a treat, or if you’re lucky – you’ll get to enjoy both.

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Watching a friend go through a bad break up is like a train wreck – it’s terrible but you can’t seem to look away. So what do you do when your crush turns into a crash? Good question. The simple solution is to pimp the victim out in the hopes that a distraction will help them move on quickly from the scene of the accident. Of course, residual effects will inevitably surface and suddenly they are screaming in pain from a delayed reaction to the pain of the accident. So perhaps the hit-it-and-quit-it method is not the best way to go. There’s of course the eat-yourself-to-sanity method, but given the uncertainty of the timeline you may jeopardize your chances of any future flame by packing on the pounds. My favorite method is the “work furiously at the gym” scenario; however the elliptical can have you feeling like a hamster on a wheel in no time. So have a drink and dive right back into the deep end, there’s no time like the present. Most importantly, breathe and be there for your friends and help them through the post-traumatic-stress ordeal. You could be the next one to crash and burn.

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