I keep running into guy friends who tell me they are dating women whom they have no interest in marrying, but are using to pass time and get away from the dating scene. These women are typically not Jewish and much younger than them, and these guys are just having fun… except the women don’t know this. They don’t know they are being used, they don’t know that the men they are falling for won’t marry non-Jews, and they don’t know the men they are with aren’t looking for serious relationships which have a future. These women are all going to get hurt, more so if they find out the truth.
It’s not worth it. And if you believe in karma, then it’s really not worth it. Date casually, but don’t take dating to the next level with someone whom you know you would never marry.
under Date Night
Some people don’t think before they speak. And that can lead to some awkward moments on a date where one person puts their foot in their mouth after apologizing for being rude or belligerent — and the other person needs to wipe a disgusted and/or shocked look off their face.
Honesty is not always the best policy. Sometimes omission is best.
- Don’t ask a question if you don’t want to know the answer
- Don’t tell a date that you were “here last week on another JDate”
- Don’t tell a date that you have too many emails on JDate to read through, so they should consider themselves lucky.
If you are about to make a comment that you wouldn’t want to hear from your date, then keep it to yourself.
You finally met someone you like and the feeling is mutual. Dating turns into a relationship rather quickly — and before you know it, you are spending all your free time together as your emotions grow. But then the other person’s feelings deepen… while your feelings stay stagnant. You continue to move forward as a couple because you still like your significant other, but since you’re not falling in love with the same veracity, you begin to doubt if this is “The One.” As you learn more about each other you start to see flaws where there once was perfection.
You know intrinsically that you should be able to accept these flaws as human and normal, but instead they start to irk at you. And the things you liked before also start to gnaw at you, making you wonder if you can get back to that exciting, lust-filled place — or if the relationship is a ticking time bomb. Unfortunately, once you get to this point, it is likely that you won’t be able to backtrack and that the relationship is indeed doomed.
Don’t try to fight it, this is a course that many relationships take. Be comforted by the fact that you didn’t allow it to go any further, and listened to your heart and mind when it told you that something wasn’t right. Feelings are going to get hurt in this wild ride we call dating; don’t be shocked when you are on the receiving side and don’t feel bad when you are on the distributing side.
Buy Tamar’s new book “How to Woo a Jew” now!
under Date Night
I’ve witnessed many dates where someone was so nervous they couldn’t even hold eye contact, or spoke so fast they couldn’t figure out how to end a sentence, or even (much to my wide-eyed horror) they actually tripped over their own feet.
These situations happen to everyone at some point — whether it’s because you’ve built up expectations of a prospect you’re about to meet or because you’re totally enamored with your date. Eventually there will come a time when you will need to compose yourself.
Take a deep breath. Smile. Remind yourself that the person sitting across from you is probably just as nervous. Perhaps even crack a joke to break the ice about the first date jitters. You can do this!
How many of you have brought home a significant other to meet your parents? How long did you wait? Did you wish you had done it sooner in retrospect, or wish you had never taken that step at all? Is there more pressure to take someone home when you live in the same city as your parents? Or is there more pressure to take a special trip out to your hometown to do so?
There’s no science. Sometimes you introduce a S.O. after a few weeks, sometimes a few months. Sometimes not until after you’re engaged (yikes!). It’s not a matter of time, but rather a feeling of the relationship being in the right place to take that step (but please do so BEFORE proposing!).
Some people wait because their parents are apt to embarrass them by asking, “Can you afford our daughter?” or “Can you tame our son?” Or maybe they look over a girlfriend and exclaim that she has “nice childbearing hips!” Or perhaps they might check out a boyfriend and exclaim what “beautiful children you’ll have!” Some are nervous their parents will pull out the baby album or discuss horrible exes (or discuss your amazing ex that you unfortunately let get away). Some parents meanwhile are very chill and laid-back, and have probably met many prospects because of how easy going they are.
Taking home a S.O. is a huge deal when it comes to figuring out if they can become a part of your family. If you feel it’s the right time, then do it. There’s no wrong time (well, except for the obvious: not on your first few dates unless you’re being picked up from their house!) if you are seeing a future with this prospect.
under Date Night
After hosting a HurryDate event last week, I have some advice that all singles who are planning to attend speed dating events should read:
1. Dress to Impress
There was a man there wearing a hat. Really? Just like your JDate profile photo, why on earth would you show up wearing a hat? There were ladies wearing sandals. Not only is it February, but there is nothing sexy about sandals.
2. Be on Time
It’s tough to start the event if all the people aren’t there. Check in and then go grab a drink from the bar.
Nothing says “approachable” better than a smile. That, and don’t cross your arms over your chest.
4. Be Conversation Ready
Most of the questions that can be asked within the five-minute time frame of the speed date are the obvious ones, so be prepared to answer: “What do you do?” and “Where do you live/Where are you from?” And try to answer with easy, one-line answers that you haven’t rehearsed.
5. Don’t Ask: “Why Are You Still Single?”
“Why are you still single?” and “What is your relationship history?” are questions to be saved for a later time. If someone asks you these questions during a speed dating party, then your answers should go like this, respectively: “For the same reason you’re still single, I haven’t met the right person yet” and “I’ve been in some meaningful relationships where I’ve learned a lot about myself and what I want in a mate, and I’d be happy to share that with you on another date.” Then change the topic.
Finally, stick around after and socialize. You may meet another single to attend future single events with you, or you may get to continue talking with someone, like the couple who was still chatting an hour after the event ended last week…
Buy Tamar’s book How to Woo a Jew on Amazon now!
under Single Life
So many people let love pass them by because they simply are afraid to take a risk and say something. Whether it be “What’s your friend’s number?” or “Are you single?” or “Would you be willing to set me up with your buddy?” or “Would you like to go out sometime?” or simply saying, “Hi! My name is…”
That’s all it takes to see if that girl you saw volunteering at the JDate event is available, or if that guy you saw hanging out by the kitchen at your friend’s party is Jewish. What’s the worst that will happen? You’ll find out the person is either not Jewish, not single, or not interested. No big deal, right?! Make sure you don’t regret not saying something.
under Date Night
I’m hosting a HurryDate event in Los Angeles this Wednesday (today!) and it got me thinking about the advantages of speed dating:
For starters, you know the people attending are serious about finding someone because they aren’t going to spend the time or money to partake in such an event if they aren’t. Secondly, you get to meet other singles who fit your demographic: in this case Jews in their 20′s and early 30′s, and to top it off there’s about an equal number of each gender. And finally, you get to talk with so many people for a short enough amount of time to either get out of a bad or awkward pairing, or to discover you want to learn more about the person sitting across from you. Seems like a win-win situation to me.
Get your copy of Tamar’s book “How to Woo a Jew” at Barnes & Noble and Amazon now.
under Date Night
Body language is important — especially on a date or at a singles event — but when does physical flirting go too far? We all know about making eye contact, looking away, and then making eye contact again (women typically add in a hair flip or twirl for good measure); and then holding the eye contact and adding a smile. But when is it too much?
If you’re constantly licking your lips or biting the corner of your lip, remind yourself that you’re not LL Cool J and put your tongue back in your mouth. The same goes for caressing your fingers down your cleavage or mimicking a growl or a bite. Tone it down. Unless of course your intent is just to hook up because that’s the impression you’re giving off.
There’s a difference between flirting with class and flirting with crass, and it’s not a fine line. It’s a wide, multi-lane highway. You can be obvious about flirting without being over the top.
My girlfriend recently called me asking for advice. She has been in a relationship for two years and they are really happy, but there has been no talk about the future. In fact, her boyfriend told her he is a “commitment-phobe” because his parents divorced when he was young. He is committed to her and they have traveled internationally with both their families and friends — yet he hasn’t made any movement to take the next step. Both of them are in their thirties, and although she isn’t feeling her biological clock ticking, she is wondering when their relationship will move forward.
I suggested she speak with him about it in a no-pressure tone, with non-aggressive wording, a laid-back posture, and without making him feel like it’s a test. I told her to put it on him by asking him where he sees their relationship going and then letting him take the lead in the conversation. It may seem somewhat passive of her, but people who claim to be commitment-phobic will run when not approached the right way.
My friend needed to realize that her needs are important, and that she shouldn’t accept less from him when she wanted more. She wasn’t being unrealistic, it had been two years after all, but she needed to assert herself. Therefore, I also counseled her on what to do after hearing his response — whether it was what she wanted to hear or not, she needed to let him know what she wants and they can hopefully move forward from there, together, to the next stage.