Author Archive

JDate is Turning Me Into a Cougar!

by Tamar Caspi under JDate,Online Dating,Single Life

Dear Tamar,

Is it common for younger men to email older women because I’ve gotten more messages from men in their late 30’s than I’m comfortable with. Why would 39-year-olds be contacting a 58-year-old? Opportunists?

-Not a Cougar

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Dear Not a Cougar,

Could a man 20 years your senior be an opportunist? Sure. Could it be that you are a pretty and young-looking woman who has a lot to offer and attracts men of all ages? Absolutely! Depending upon what you’re looking for — which I believe to be a companion for the next half of your life — you will need to review each man’s profile to see how he presents himself and what he is looking for before eliminating them. Of course, you can have a strict minimum to your age range and if that doesn’t start with the number 3_ or 4_, then so be it.

At the end of the day you need to be comfortable with the other person, and if their age is going to bother you then don’t lead these men on. Take it as a compliment and say so: “I’m so flattered that you took the time to email me and you seem really sweet, but I think I would be more comfortable with someone closer to my age. Good luck to you!”


Flirts and Emails That Go Unreplied…

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Hi Tamar,

I have reached out, via a ‘Flirt’ or email, to a few different men.  They open my Flirt/email, but don’t reply. I would love some tips on initiating a better first message.

-“Flirt”

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Hi Flirt,

There is a method to the messaging madness. For starters, don’t send an uninitiated Flirt or email. What does that mean? It means not to send a message of any kind before you lay the groundwork. Communication should not come out of left field. View the prospect, check back the next day to see if he viewed you in return.

If he logged in, but did not view, then view him again and check again the following day. If again he logged in, but did not view you, then you can generally assume he isn’t interested. Don’t count him out, but don’t put any more energy into him either.

If the guy did view you back, then go ahead and add him to your Favorites. This is how a guy knows you’re into him.

In the meantime, go ahead and check out who has Favorited you and who has viewed you to see if there is anyone of interest that you can view/Favorite in return. This is on par with making and holding eye contact and then smiling from across a room.

Only after you’ve done this back-and-forth should you go ahead and send a Flirt or email. I suggest giving the guy a day or two to do this himself, as it’s his version of making the first move, but it’s not entirely unfavorable for you to click send first.

If you’re going to send a Flirt then make sure the one you choose either goes along with something that can be connected to your profile or his. I prefer skipping right over to an email, but sometimes a Flirt can be cute! The first email should be short and sweet — “Hi my name is Allison. It’s been fun ‘Flirting’ with you! I can’t believe you also like __________, I’ve never met anyone else who likes them/that. How did you first discover them/that? Hope you’re having a great day!” The line in the middle is to show one of your commonalities and to ask a question in order to garner a response.

All that said, if someone does not have a paid JDate membership then they cannot check their emails. You will be able to figure it out only after sending the email if you see that they’ve logged in, but not opened the email. Don’t take it personally. Most people do end up paying when their inbox starts to fill up. People just can’t resist!

Follow me on Instagram @HowToWooAJew


Extreme Profile Makeover — “Allison”

by Tamar Caspi under JDate,Monday Makeover,Online Dating,Single Life

Hi Tamar,

I have reached out, via a ‘Flirt’ or email to a few different men.  They open my flirt/email, but don’t reply.  How can I update my profile to make me more attractive to the men I’m interested in getting to know?

-“Allison”

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Hi Allison,

You lead an exciting life and I think you convey that pretty well in your profile. You truly are an adventure-seeker, as opposed to the people who claim to be but haven’t left North America. Your photos, taken in different parts of the world, also back-up your claim as well-traveled.

I think the two places in need of the most help are your profile name and your photos. Your are an interesting woman in your late-20’s, your profile name should reflect your exciting youthfulness! Plus, you have that awesome red curly hair (girls with straight brown hair — like me — think that red curly hair is awesome!) that you can include in your name as well.

Ideas:

  • CurlyHairTraveler
  • HaveCurlsWillTravel
  • NoRedHeadedTemper
  • SeeTheWorldWithMe
  • CornersOfTheEarth

You can tack on your year of birth if something you’ve thought of is taken. Don’t use your age now, because you may still be on JDate on your next birthday and then it will become moot.

As for your photos, the second photo can be deleted as it does nothing for you (sorry!). All the others are consistent. The only full body photo you have is where you’re wearing a full-on coat, hat, scarf, and boots. Men may think you are trying to hide your body type, so try to find or take a photo of your body wearing summer clothing (now that it’s getting warmer that should be feasible).

A little spellchecking of your profile will help, but otherwise I don’t think that you’ve written anything offensive or over-sharing. In regards to your preferences in “My Ideal Match” you seem to be open to too wide of a spectrum for someone who isn’t yet 30. I suggest tightening your age range to closer to 10 years and to include your own age: 29-40. And I believe you can eliminate divorced, separated, and widowed from marital status at this point. Not to say you wouldn’t give someone a chance, but between the too wide age range and this, it looks like you’re willing to consider just about anyone.

As for what to say in your emails, check back on Wednesday for that answer!

Follow me on Instagram @HowToWooAJew


I am Verbose. Help!

by Tamar Caspi under JDate,Monday Makeover,Online Dating,Single Life

Dear Tamar,

I am so verbose. Once I have your attention, I want to tell you everything on my mind.  I know that is wrong, but it is the fact.

Now to my profile: it is long (or long-winded?), but many folks who read my writings tell me I am a good and funny writer. Some JDaters say that longer humorous profiles do get read and get reactions. Should I try to edit it shorter or is longer okay?

-Mr. Verbose

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Dear Mr. Verbose,

Short is not always sweeter but sometimes long can just be too long. You have to find the happy medium. Take a look at the multiple choice/fill in the blank questions that run across the top of your profile and along the right hand side. If you are repeating any of that information in your paragraphs, then you can whittle down those sentences. Some information may need to be explained (divorced/widowed, children) in one sentence, but you do not need to write your autobiography or pen your memoir to answer “About Me.”

Think about the topics you would typically discuss on a first date — a lot of it is answered in your profile, right? But you don’t want to reveal too much in your profile and then begin discussing things that aren’t appropriate for a first date.

Being funny in your profile is good, like you said, getting a reaction out of prospects is generally a positive thing (when it’s laughter!). That said, you also want to be taken seriously so don’t turn every answer into a joke.


Are You Standing In Your Own Way?

by Tamar Caspi under Online Dating,Relationships,Single Life

Back to that age-old question… why are you still single?

Sometimes it’s helpful to have a sounding board — be it a therapist, a best friend, or a parent — to talk about your past relationships so they can help you see any patterns along the way. As one of my friend’s says “come join me on the other side of the street” so you can look at yourself from another perspective.

Are you attracted to a certain type who is likely not complementary to you… but you don’t know it? Do you sabotage your relationships and you’re not even aware of it? Do you portray yourself as something different than how other people see you?

If you think you may be standing in your own way of finding love (and everyone is to some capacity), then ask for the brutal truth from a trusted source so you can begin evolving.


We Made Plans, But No Phone Call, So What’s The Deal?

by Tamar Caspi under Date Night,JDate,Online Dating,Single Life

Dear Tamar,

I have been dating this guy for a month; nothing serious — we went out for lunch last Monday, on Tuesday we exchanged a few texts and kind of made plans for Saturday… but he never confirmed and now it’s Thursday and I still haven’t heard from him.

What’s the deal?

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Plans Unconfirmed,

The simplest answer is that it’s likely he’s not into you anymore. I know that sucks to hear, but a guy who likes you is confirming plans, contacting you between dates and wanting to make sure he is on your mind.

That said, it’s only been two days and he could still call to confirm plans tonight. It’s not too late for him to call for a Saturday night date, but if you accept… do so with your guard up. Or, better yet, tell him you made other plans when you didn’t hear from him, but would love to schedule something for next week.

Be prepared to not hear from him again, and then get back on JDate and keep making connections.

P.S. If he texts or calls next week I strongly urge you to ignore it (unless you just want to hook up), it’s likely he is only making contact because he’s bored and wants to see if you’re still interested. Don’t expect his feelings towards you to suddenly have changed; you’ll only end up disappointed once again.


Extreme Profile Makeover: “Feeling Invisible”

by Tamar Caspi under JDate,Monday Makeover,Online Dating,Single Life

Dear Tamar,

What does it take to get noticed? I am pretty secure and confident. I know I have a lot to offer – how can I convey it?

-Feeling Invisible _________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Invisible,

Your profile does convey a secure and confident woman who has a lot to offer, so job well done! That said, there are a few things I can suggest to spice it up and get noticed.

  1. First, you need a better main profile picture. I love all of the photos of you traveling and that you captioned them, but your main photo is fuzzy, and the passion and joy I see in your other photos is not coming through.
  2. You reference visiting your son abroad, perhaps address your divorce and children in one sentence by answering it under “A Brief History of My Life.” You only answer four questions, which is fine, but you are missing some pertinent biographical information about how you came to be this secure, well-rounded woman.
  3. Finally, you leave a lot of questions unanswered along the right hand side of the profile, in the “Her Details” section. It’s easy enough to answer what color eyes and hair you have, as well as custody situation, if you keep kosher, if you drink, and how active you are. You should also answer what you studied or what area you worked in prior to retiring. Otherwise you come across as having a lot to hide, which is not what I think you are trying to do.

I think you’re pretty close to a truly great profile. By adding a great profile picture I think you will be well on your way to getting noticed!


The Kind of Love We Should Aspire To

by Tamar Caspi under News,Relationships,Success Stories

This is the post from Sheryl Sandberg, COO of Facebook and author of Lean In, from Tuesday, the day she buried her husband, Dave Goldberg, after his sudden passing.

“I want to thank all of our friends and family for the outpouring of love over the past few days. It has been extraordinary – and each story you have shared will help keep Dave alive in our hearts and memories.

I met Dave nearly 20 years ago when I first moved to LA. He became my best friend. He showed me the internet for the first time, planned fun outings, took me to temple for the Jewish holidays, introduced me to much cooler music than I had ever heard.

We had 11 truly joyful years of the deepest love, happiest marriage, and truest partnership that I could imagine… He gave me the experience of being deeply understood, truly supported and completely and utterly loved – and I will carry that with me always. Most importantly, he gave me the two most amazing children in the world.

SS

Dave was my rock. When I got upset, he stayed calm. When I was worried, he said it would be ok. When I wasn’t sure what to do, he figured it out. He was completely dedicated to his children in every way – and their strength these past few days is the best sign I could have that Dave is still here with us in spirit.

Dave and I did not get nearly enough time together. But as heartbroken as I am today, I am equally grateful. Even in these last few days of completely unexpected hell – the darkest and saddest moments of my life – I know how lucky I have been. If the day I walked down that aisle with Dave someone had told me that this would happen – that he would be taken from us all in just 11 years – I would still have walked down that aisle. Because 11 years of being Dave Goldberg’s wife, and 10 years of being a parent with him is perhaps more luck and more happiness than I could have ever imagined. I am grateful for every minute we had.

As we put the love of my life to rest today, we buried only his body. His spirit, his soul, his amazing ability to give is still with it. It lives on in the stories people are sharing of how he touched their lives, in the love that is visible in the eyes of our family and friends, in the spirit and resilience of our children. Things will never be the same – but the world is better for the years my beloved husband lived.”

I read these words and am brought to tears by the raw, honest emotions. The kind of love Sheryl is describing is not a love you see every day, but it is the kind of love we should all aspire to have. There’s a reason people say not to settle — and this is why. You need a true partner, someone who believes in you and supports you unconditionally, a person who makes you feel like the luckiest person in the world, and who is also your best friend to top it all off.


Older Adults: An Uncertain Certainty?

by Tamar Caspi under Date Night,JDate,Online Dating,Single Life

Dear Tamar,

I see you are in your thirties, I mention this because — as a woman — you are at a different point in your life than the ladies I am interested in, whose age range is from 50-61. So, I think your perspective will be somewhat different from what I am looking for. In any case, I get the feeling from most of the women I have met that they all claim to know what it is they seek. However, there is a considerable amount of uncertainty that comes along with it, irrespective of what they are saying.

_________________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Uncertain Certainty,

Irrespective of my age, I do think I can shed some light on what you’re experiencing. As anyone gets older, they become more set in their ways and more opinionated about what they do and don’t like. That’s normal. And as they experience life — whether that means many years of dating, or a divorce, or being widowed — people tend to think they know what they are seeking in a partner. Yet, there’s always an insecurity that you may be wrong or could be proven wrong. A woman may believe she could never date or marry a guy who owns a cat, but she doesn’t want to eliminate the possibility that a guy is perfect for her, even with said cat (substitute “cat” for just about anything). So, although the women you date may claim they know what they seek, they want to leave the door open for possibilities.


What Gives?

by Tamar Caspi under Date Night,JDate,Online Dating,Single Life

Dear Tamar,

I am not receiving any interest from men on JDate.  I sent out 8 e-cards and not one response.  My friend suggested that I change my age on the website and perhaps men would be less reluctant to reach out to me. I am determined to leave my correct age because I wouldn’t want to meet someone that opposed to my age without knowing me.  I am pretty, bright, own a business, and happy with my life.  What gives?

______________________________________________________________________________

Dear What Gives,

I agree with your friend about keeping your true age on your profile. You would be better off having your friend critique your photos and profile answers or sending me your profile name for me to give you an Extreme Profile Makeover. In the meantime, make sure you talk about being “young at heart” or “looking and feeling younger than [your] age” in your profile to combat the age issue and concern about reluctance from men.

Then, try some other techniques instead of relying on e-cards. Make sure you are viewing your prospects regularly so that they know you are interested, add them to your Favorites list, and then possibly initiate an email conversation. Again, you may not get a response but it may not be personal — it could be that the person is not a paid member and can’t read their messages. The only way to combat this is by playing the numbers game, meaning the more prospects you have the better the chance you will receive emails and responses.