Author Archive

Waiting to Become a JDate Member?

by Tamar Caspi under JDate,Online Dating,Single Life

Waiting to become a JDate member? What are you waiting for? I know… you’re waiting until a few of those cute prospects view you multiple times… and until you get a few notifications that you have emails, which you can only read if you sign up… so you decide to join, again. But, this time you realize that buying a monthly membership every few months no longer makes sense… and you realize the savings of buying a long-term membership… and you realize you could tempt fate by getting the six month-er just to meet someone after three weeks.

Do it.

Tempt fate.

Consider it money well spent!


To Have “The Talk” or Not?

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships,Single Life

If you are too scared to have The Talk about where you are in a relationship, then you simply cannot assume you and your new love interest are on the same page.  To assume is to make an “ass” out of “u” and “me.” Basically, bypassing The Talk could lead one person in the relationship to feeling more interested than the other, which is never good.

Here’s a clue: if the other person avoids The Talk or behaves skittishly and skirts the topic, then that’s your answer. You can almost guarantee he or she does not want to enter into a monogamous, committed relationship with you for whatever reason. Take note and don’t try to convince yourself that they’re a commitment-phobe, or just not ready, or even that you are committed but don’t need to discuss it. This is a red flag. Ignore at your own risk. Just don’t say I didn’t warn you.


STOP TEXTING!!!

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships,Single Life

A similar situation was brought to my attention by two different people this past week. Both ladies were wondering what intentions their respective “prospects” had with their random texting. These guys would text flirtatiously, but nothing would ever come of it and then they would disappear for while and surface anywhere from a few days to a few weeks to a few months later, only to begin the cycle all over again. Both women wanted to know what it meant and what to do?

I’m just going to be blunt — these guys are bored and are probably texting a number of girls to see who will answer. It’s not surprising that nothing ever comes of it, the guy is enjoying the attention he is getting from the texts and at least thinks that any of these conversations could lead to something more, if he wanted it to. If you are on the receiving end of these types of texts – and you respond – then you have no one to blame but yourself.

Stop answering and the texts will stop coming. Then again, if you’re also bored and aren’t emotionally involved, then why not respond? Just know that it is more than likely that nothing will ever come of the texting — the guy will more than likely disappear and reappear, and you will more than likely grown confused once again.


My Friends Don’t Approve

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

What happens when your friends don’t like the person you’re dating? Some people believe that a good friend should support you and your decisions whether they agree with them or not. Others believe that if you’re a good friend, then you should speak up and let your opinion be known because it is coming from a trusted source who has your best intentions at heart. Which is correct? Neither.

The best approach is somewhere in between. Let your friend know you are protective of them because you love them and are going to be extra wary of anyone new in their life, and if they ever need someone to turn to who won’t be judgmental… then you will be there. And if they do turn to you with complaints about their significant other, then don’t say “I told you so” or “I tried to warn you,” or anything of the sort. Sometimes being a good friend is saying nothing and just being there.


Find Your Relationship Balance

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Everyone is different; we were all raised differently, and prefer a different type of balance in our relationships. Some people want equality, whereas others prefer to let the woman run the show, and still others want men to wear the pants in the family. For many this is due to what their parents relationship looked like growing up. Even if you didn’t like your parent’s balance, it is difficult to break the cycle. Some of it is cultural, some of it is considered old school, and a lot of today’s egalitarian relationships are attributed to modern times with women working outside the home and earning as much as, or more, than their counterparts.

Every relationship is different, and how your relationship is balanced shouldn’t be of anyone else’s concern as long as you are happy with it. That said, you might find yourself in a male-dominated relationship and be perfectly content to move on to a more egalitarian balance in your next relationship. Each relationship balance is going to be different. All that matters is that you feel happy and respected in yours!


Can Friends with Benefits Turn Into a Serious Relationship?

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Many singles have special friends when they’re between relationships. Sometimes those special friends started out as dates that didn’t have a real future. Other times those special friends started out as “just friends” and then turned into something more. Either way, what happens when you start to really like the person who you aren’t supposed to have emotions towards? Can a relationship based only on sex become one of substance?

Sometimes, yes. Other times, no.

First, try to get out of the bedroom and go grab a meal. Treat it like a date! See if you can hang out and maintain a conversation. And take a risk by mentioning that you’re interested in seeing if the special friendship could become more.What do you have to lose? Absolutely nothing!


Poly-dating Dilemma

by Tamar Caspi under Date Night,JDate,Online Dating,Relationships,Single Life

Recently, a friend called me with a question and gave me permission to share his story:

“Ryan” is poly-dating (as I recommend) and is in the early stages of dating “Rebecca,” whom he met on JDate, and also communicating with “Rachel,” a woman he recently connected with on JDate as well. Ryan and Rachel have been trading instant messages, emails, texts, and chatting on the phone — all before their first date. Ryan and Rebecca, on the other hand, have spent time in person, talking until the wee hours of the morning and sharing a few kisses on a few occasions now.

Ryan knows that poly-dating is a smart idea so he doesn’t get too serious about any girl too quickly… but things with Rebecca are progressing naturally and he already really likes her. Now he feels guilty about his upcoming date with Rachel, and he also likes Rachel and feels guilty that he’s spent so much time getting to know her and building up expectations. Should he go out with her?

Interestingly, in this case, I said no, he shouldn’t. He has already spent time with Rebecca and likes her, and wouldn’t be giving Rachel a fair shake because he would be distracted by feeling he’s betraying Rebecca. As unfair as it is to Rachel, his communicating with her while dating Rebecca was the poly-dating that kept a good pace for their relationship to unfold. Now he can commit to dating only Rebecca and see where it leads. Meanwhile, he should be honest with Rachel and let her know that he met someone else and wants to see where it goes out of respect for her and his new relationship. He should end the conversation with a compliment, of course, noting how great he thinks she is since it was only timing that prevented them from exploring more, and nothing personal about her.

Side note: this is another example of why too much communicating before a first date is not beneficial and, in fact, is detrimental by creating unrealistic expectations.


Timeline to Fall in Love

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

A couple of my friends have recently asked my opinion about their respective relationships, which are all in the same general phase: things were moving along smoothly for several months but both my friends felt they should be emotionally further along than they are. They wonder if they should break-up with their significant other because something is perhaps missing, or if they should continue seeing each other and hope it progresses?

Is there a timeline for when you should be in love?

For one of my friends I supported her decision to break-up with the guy. He already had incredibly strong feelings for her and she was only finding reasons not to fall in love with him. It would be inconsiderate of her to continue dating him because she would be basically leading him on since she didn’t have anywhere near the same feelings.

For my other friend, I supported his decision to stay with his girlfriend and give it more time. Although she felt stronger towards him, she was also aware that he wasn’t in the same place yet. He likes her just fine and is having fun and doesn’t want to put pressure on the relationship to move any faster, and she says she is okay with that. I told him to make sure she wasn’t saying that to him just to placate him because she is hoping he will fall in love with how easygoing she is.

There’s no right time for when you should have the feelings of love, but you do need to know the difference between love and lust, and understand when someone is unfairly feeling far more into you. Don’t waste your time or someone else’s, especially when feelings are involved.


Change Your Profile Picture NOW!

by Tamar Caspi under JDate,Online Dating,Single Life

Perusing JDate yesterday for a newly single girlfriend, I searched for profile pictures of men who fit my preferences for her (rather than her narrow preferences for herself, I was trying to see if there was anyone who hadn’t made her cut but was still a great prospect), except, honestly, there was nothing to see! Why? Because I couldn’t actually SEE what any of the men looked like!

One profile after another showed a man from far away, or wearing sunglasses, or wearing a hat, or sharing the space with another person (or featuring an awkward cropping out of another person), or not looking at the camera, or it wasn’t a clear photo, or the person was doing an activity, or (and this may be the worst) it was a selfie! When someone’s corporate headshot is the best photo of the bunch, then we have problems.

Your main profile photo needs to show YOU… and only YOU. This means the top of your shoulders to the top of your head with your handsome, smiling, eyes open, bright face filling the box. Have a friend take photos of you in a relaxed position when you’re in a great mood and carry on a conversation that will make you smile naturally and then snap away. Make sure the photos are in focus, with good lighting, and do not add a filter.

I clicked on very few profiles due to the terrible first impressions. One time I liked a guy’s statistics for my friend, and even though he had a bad profile photo, I clicked out of curiosity and found a great looking guy! But not everyone clicks on every profile or reads the stats first. That is not superficial, it’s the reality of online dating. You need to catch someone’s eye, and quickly, which means you need to have an awesome profile photo (and a unique profile name and eloquent, witty About Me paragraph)!

Read more about creating an effective JDate profile in “How to Woo a Jew: The Modern Jewish Guide to Dating and Mating” in bookstores and online now!


What Is Your Relationship Threshold?

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Each of us has our threshold when it comes to what we are willing to put up with in a relationship. Some people use the “three strikes and you’re out” approach, others are willing to put up with some crazy behavior because everything else in the relationship is going really great. What pushes you to the edge is going to be different for someone else.

Not receiving compliments may not bother someone else but may irk you to no end. Not making plans until the last minute may be your style, but for someone else, it could translate to their date not being interested. And it’s usually not just one thing, but a combination of a few things that make you look up and say “this relationship isn’t working… I’m done.”

Of course you have to factor in how long you’ve been dating or have been in a committed, monogamous relationship. Don’t live with traits, habits or behaviors you don’t like because you’re afraid you won’t find someone else. And keep in mind that when a relationship works it’s because you are both willing to overlook and compromise on things about the other person.