under Date Night
There are lots of cues that help you navigate a date. By both knowing how to read these cues and knowing how to give these cues, you can hopefully determine the fate of a date.
If a date asks to meet for drinks/coffee/tea/juice, give it a fair shake — even though it’s not the commitment of a dinner. If you are interested in continuing getting to know each other after the cups are empty, and your date suggests ordering food or taking a walk, that means they are interested in you. If your date touches your arm, that means they are interested in you. If your date makes plans for a second date before the first date is even over, that means they are interested in you.
If you don’t see those cues, but are interested and want to see if your date is as well, then you need to send the right cues. Suggest grabbing a meal or taking a walk. If your date makes an excuse, then chances are they are not interested and you have your answer.
Unless… if your date says they have something to do or somewhere to go… but says they want to make plans for another date… and then follow through by calling you to make those plans… then the excuse was probably legitimate and you should accept the next date, and also accept that your date is interested in you.
Remember, dating is a numbers game. Just because drinks don’t turn into dinner, or there’s no call the next day for another date, that doesn’t mean you should get yourself down over it. Most first dates will not turn into second dates, and that’s okay. If you are interested though and your date is sending the right cues, make sure you aren’t losing out on a date because you don’t know how to read them!
under Date Night
Can you give me some insight into the Secret Admirer situation on JDate? I’ve only been on the site for a week, but this game already has me so off-keel that I’ve started blocking everyone whose profile shows up in these things because of the likelihood that one of these people is playing games and wasting my time (I read a blog post by another JBlogger saying that when he gets these Secret Admirer messages he says yes to everyone, regardless of whether he’s interested in them, just to find out who’s interested in him — if that’s the case, I’d rather not ever show up in that person’s list of potential Secret Admirers, so I block my profile from showing up in their search feed).
Is there a way to step back from this nuclear option before I block everyone? Even if I didn’t block the guys, but just ignore the messages, I’m potentially turning away people who might actually make a good match, or at least a fun date.
Dear Strung-Out on Secret Admirer:
You’ve blocked everyone who selects you as a match on Secret Admirer? Oy vey! First you need to start with un-blocking everyone. You have no idea which guys were possibly playing “the game” and which weren’t… and now you’ve systematically eliminated all of them!
Do some people treat Secret Admirer like a game? Sure. But, why is that so bad? If you take it seriously, then what is there to lose? If you don’t want to think about who is possibly playing the game and who isn’t, then just wait and let any matches email you first. Try not to let a simple algorithm get the best of you. Dating is frustrating enough without complicating things that are supposed to make it easier!
I wanted to know if you could look at my profile and tell me how to improve it? Or if you see any issues. I really toned it down regarding my interests in green living/organic food and would love your opinion!
Hi Green Guy,
After reading your profile it seems that you eliminated nearly all mentions of green living and organic food, and if that is important to you then you need to make that clear. Someone who doesn’t care about their carbon footprint and prefers junk food is not going to be a good match for you and you need to make that clear so you don’t waste either of your time. You don’t have to go into it too much, simply mention in you ‘About Me’ that you are passionate about those two things and would love to meet someone else who is as well.
While you’re at it, here’s a few more tips:
- Add more photos! You only have three — and just the first one shows your face clearly, yet your head is covered and it’s in black and white. Add more pictures of your face! Have a confidant help you out, or email me some options for my feedback!
- Add what you do for a living (you don’t need to add your income level though). By skipping this question your profile comes off as kind of sketchy.
- Tighten your age range. You are 32, you should not be open to dating both 18 and 35-year-olds. 24-35 would be a good age range for you.
- Read over your ‘In My Own Words’ answers and correct any grammar and formatting issues. Prospects can get lost trying to read sentences that don’t flow and it can give off the impression that you are not educated or are inarticulate. The tip here is to go back and proofread your paragraphs after the JDate approves them; sometimes changes happen during that process. You should also have someone else proofread your paragraphs to make sure you didn’t skim over anything.
under Date Night
As my own nail polish chipped away this afternoon and I hid them embarrassed in the checkout line of the supermarket, it makes me think about what if I was single and had a date tonight? Well, if I couldn’t make it to the neighborhood salon for a manicure, or at the very least a polish change, then I would make sure to remove the remnants of the color I had left and go out bare fingered. In fact, I would make it a priority because unkempt hands are seen as a reflection of you — your health, your home, and your life.
This does not only apply to women, men too need to take care of their hands. Make sure your nails aren’t ragged and that you don’t have jagged cuticles. Just like men, women see well-kept hands as a sign that you take care of yourself and that you are put together.
Now, I need to log off and go find my nail polish remover!
Do you need to respect what a prospect does for a living in order to be with them? Does someone need to be at your same level career-wise for a relationship to work? Would you date someone in the service industry or retail industry if you’re a corporate attorney? What about someone who is a freelancer? Would you date a woman who dreams of becoming a stay-at-home mom?
In theory, none of these sound like an issue, but money is one of the top sources of distress in relationships… and when there is an income disparity, problems can arise. Unless, of course, you have respect. Do you respect your mate for working 40+ hours a week, even if they aren’t making as much as you or working at a job as high-powered as yours? Would you respect your mate and see them as an equal for staying home to take care of the kids and “not working?”
In the end, it really has nothing to do with how you spend your day or how much you earn, but if you have mutual respect and appreciation for each person’s contribution to the relationship as a whole.
under Date Night
An interesting article ended with the following (edited for brevity) stanzas:
Hot is admired from afar; beauty is to be held.
Hot is perception; beauty is appreciation.
Hot is smokey-eyed; beautiful is bare-faced.
Hot is an appearance; beautiful is more than skin deep.
Hot is a strong appeal; beautiful is strong mind.
Hot is youthful; beautiful is ageless.
Hot is conventional; beauty is unique.
Hot is a state of being; beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
Hot is a text message; beautiful is a love letter.
Hot is a facade; beautiful is a woman.
It sometimes is difficult to separate lust from love, but if you can describe what it is about a person that you are attracted to, and determine if it would land in the “hot” or “beautiful” column, then you may be closer to making the differentiation. The article is basically asking if you are looking at your date — in this case a woman — as a sexual object or with respect? Do you love how she looks more than who she is? Think about it.
under Date Night
When you’re dating as an older adult, who you should be with now is not the same person you would have been with when you were younger, although maybe it should have been! Chances are you are not looking to procreate, although you may still have kids in the home and need to take co-parenting into account. When you’re an empty-nester and a grandparent, then you can really reassess your needs and wants in a mate.
This is the time that similar hobbies and interests, in addition to being a conversationalist, is even more important. You know now that it’s not all about appearances, but about having someone you can talk to about more than just the superficial things and enjoy spending quality time together.
Do you want to travel a lot? Or do you plan on working way past retirement? Those two people will likely not be a good match. Do you enjoy giving back and attending every function and volunteering and being involved? Or would you prefer to spend your time relaxing and being with a small group of close friends enjoying good television, movies, and plays? Again, these two types will probably not be a good match. How do you want to spend the next 10, 20, or 30 years? And what kind of companion do you want?
Figuring out how you want to live the rest of your life, and thus figuring out the type of partner you want to share that with, will help you create your preferences and easily narrow down your prospects.
under Date Night
As I said in Monday’s post, let’s forget about the negative connotation of “baggage” and call it “your story” instead. But, how do you turn it from negative to positive?
You need to get to a place from within where your story becomes that amazing thing called life that has made you who you are. You get there by accepting your past and your current situation, and then embracing it. Then you need to figure out how to spin it so that it adds confidence and character. By spinning it, I don’t mean lying or manipulating the truth, but seeing the silver lining in all of your life experiences — what you learned from them, or who it brought into your life, or how it changed your life for the better.
You cannot change the past, but you can change your attitude about it moving forward. You do not want a date to feel pity for you with a sob story, so get to the point where you realize that you are the amazing person you are today because of your story, and then tell your story as an adventure. It’s called life. You can live it or let it happen to you.
It doesn’t matter if you are labeled a “mature adult” or an “older adult” — because many dating problems remain the same, regardless of age. In some ways it’s easier, but in some ways it’s more difficult.
Instead of having nosy Jewish mothers bugging you for grandchildren, you may have nosy Jewish children bugging you to find someone to keep you busy so you leave them alone.
Instead of a bad break-up that felt like the end of the world after a mere three months, you may have 30 years worth of memories that only came to an end because your spouse passed away.
Instead of a drama-filled relationship that ends where you’re able to avoid that person at all costs, you may have three children with your ex-spouse whom you will be connected to for all eternity and have to deal with in some capacity on a near daily basis.
Instead of feeling like your life is over because you’re single on your 30th birthday, you may have instead embraced your independence and yet still hope to find someone to enjoy the rest of your life with.
These comparisons are the differences in your baggage as an adult dating after 40-ish. Everyone has baggage, whether you want to admit it or not. Baggage has a negative connotation, so let’s just call it – “your story.” Everyone has a story. There’s no way you can get through life without making one. What’s yours?
under Date Night
An awesome thread on Reddit titled What can you do that is NOT appearance based to make yourself more attractive? brought some great answers that singles should take to heart, including:
- Be passionate about something
- Be decisive
- Recognize your best qualities
- Be a good listener/conversationalist
- Have a sense of humor
- Be confident
I’m going to boil this down for you: what are you good at in life? You should have a few items on that list whether it be a skill, hobby or character trait. Now, what makes you happy? Knowing both of those answers will help build your confidence because it creates self-awareness. You are going to be asked these types of questions on dates so it’s better to be prepared (NOT rehearsed) to answer them by thinking about it now.