Author Archive

Being Needy vs Having Needs

by Tamar Caspi under Date Night,Relationships,Single Life

Everyone has needs when it comes to a relationship and some people have more than others. Some need to hear they are loved every day. Other people need love in the form of affection and touch; to them, actions speak louder than words. And yet others just need to know they can trust you and that’s enough for them.

Being needy is an entirely different thing. Being needy is needing to talk and text all day, every day and expecting your partner to know how you are feeling without telling them… at any given time. Being needy is depending upon someone to complete you, rather than complement you (and yes, being needy is depending upon someone to compliment you as well). Being needy is needing to be doing something, with someone, all the time. Being needy is jumping from relationship to relationship because you’re afraid of being alone. If any of those descriptions sound mildly familiar then try taking some time to yourself to reflect on your life and what’s really important.


Pick a Fight

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Fighting in a relationship is important. It shows you if someone fights fair or nasty, if they can remain rational, and if you can actually work to solve issues together. In the honeymoon phase people tend to very agreeable and want to avoid confrontation, so you may have to pick a fight in order to see what happens when the going gets tough. Throwing barbs and purposefully trying to hurt the person you are in a relationship with is not someone you want to be fighting with for decades to come. And yes, you will fight, everyone does. But if both of you are unrealistically agreeable until after you’re engaged or even married and then you find out that they fight mean, well, what then? So go ahead and even let your partner know what’s going on and find a topic you disagree on (politics, sports, the absurdity of reality TV) or something else rather innocuous and see where it leads. Good luck!


Rejection Etiquette

by Tamar Caspi under Date Night,Online Dating,Relationships,Single Life

Is there rejection etiquette? Whether you didn’t enjoy a first date, or after becoming sexually involved, or even after meeting the family… the way in which you decide to break things off changes. However, you cannot use the same approach with the first scenario as you do with the last. So what is the best course of action? Is an official rejection even necessary after just one date? Should you just ignore their calls? Or perhaps a quick text stating, “last night was nice, good luck” would be better. In that case, should you actually answer their call, but turn down the offer for another date?

Obviously the latter is best (and is good karma), but it’s also the bravest choice. All the other circumstances absolutely deserve some kind of communication as to why you are no longer interested in dating. You wouldn’t want to be the person on the other side of a rejection left wondering what happened. It’s not easy; in fact, it totally sucks. Still, honesty is generally the best policy unless it’s going to hurt someone’s feelings even more than the rejection itself. You can always simply say, “My feelings haven’t evolved the way I’d like them to, so I think it’s best we both move on and I give you the opportunity to find someone who will adore you the way you deserve.”

No matter how upset the rejected person becomes, don’t start hurling insults. Apologize again and let them know you wish them the best and move on. This is always easiest on the phone, but if you’ve gotten very serious, then an in-person explanation is more respectful. Just never reject someone via text after the 2nd date!


No Relationship Is Easy or Perfect

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

You can look all you want, but you will never find a perfect relationship. It doesn’t exist. Every couple has problems. Scratch that. Every pair of people — be they siblings, roommates, best friends, business partners, or lovers, has problems. The trick is to find someone who deals with anxiety the same way you do. Stress is inevitable, but if you both are able to get through it together in a healthy manner, then it will make all the great times that much more amazing.

Don’t expect things to be easy, relationships are hard work and anyone who tells you different is lying. If you aren’t willing to do the work to make it work, then there’s no need to live with, work with, or be with, that person.

This may sound harsh, but it’s all true. When the going gets tough, the tough gets going. You need someone who is going to be on your team with the same strategy to win at the game of life. So if you meet someone and issues arise (and they will), don’t fret, just wait and see how you deal with those issues together… or not.


Giving Up on Giving a Guy a Chance

by Tamar Caspi under Date Night,JDate,Relationships,Single Life

Dear Tamar,

There’s this guy I met on JDate about a year ago and we went out for a while; even though he definitely saw a future with me, I never felt there was a future, so I broke it off. I dated a few guys since then, and although there was more chemistry, they didn’t treat me as well and there were lots of other issues. I keep thinking back to that first guy, and wonder if I should give him a second chance to see if the attraction grows. What do you think?

-Give a Guy a Chance?

__________________________________________________________________

Dear Give a Guy a Chance,

You can’t force attraction, but you should allow yourself to open up to things that feel different. That initial attraction is often lust, which can dissipate over time. Being treated well and having a relationship grow based on respect and commonalities can create a much deeper bond and attraction. But, if you’ve given it a fair shake and there’s just something missing, then it’s only fair to the both of you to break it off again.

Be honest and be kind — this man has now been vulnerable with you twice.


Dating During Family Functions

by Tamar Caspi under JDate,Online Dating,Relationships

Dear Tamar,

I have been dating a girl I met on JDate for about a month. We are really into each other and spend a lot of time together. I think we are both excited to see where the future takes us. It’s the first time I’ve been into a girl this way in a long time. I’ve even met her family already and we all get along nicely. Here’s my question: her brother and his wife are about to have a baby and I don’t know what is proper protocol in these situations.

Thanks for your help!

_________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Dating During Family Functions,

This is a great question and my answer applies to both simchas (weddings, babies, etc.) as well as sad situations (a death in the family). Let your girlfriend know that you’re there for her and are willing to help out in any way you can, but that you don’t want to be in the way if she’s not comfortable having you there. And don’t be offended if she doesn’t want you there as these can be very intimate family gatherings.

Then again, these are moments where the two of you can forge a deeper bond so hopefully she will accept your support. Offer to be at the house to coordinate food delivery, offer to be the photographer/videographer of the bris/baby-naming, or offer to just be there for her at any time.

My now fiance took my son out of the room to go play when I found out a close friend had died and then babysat my son when I had to go to her funeral. Both of those small acts were incredibly meaningful to me.

Bottom line? Open up and let her know that you care a lot about her and want to celebrate life’s joyful moments as well as the tough ones, together. Tell her that you understand it’s early in the relationship to be included in family functions and that it’s up to her, but that you are there for her.


Men Lying About Their Age

by Tamar Caspi under Date Night,Single Life

Apparently there’s this new “trend” of men lying about their age! And not just by a year or two, but by four or five years! Even one year is bad, but putting yourself in a different bracket (late 30s vs early 30s) is inexcusable and unforgivable. What’s the point? If you meet someone you like, you’re just going to have to come clean eventually… and then what is she going to think of you knowing that you lied?!

A woman won’t care how old you are if you are a quality guy, but she will care if you aren’t honest! There’s no reason to fudge about your age; be confident that your personality and character will outshine your age.


Waiting to Become a JDate Member?

by Tamar Caspi under JDate,Online Dating,Single Life

Waiting to become a JDate member? What are you waiting for? I know… you’re waiting until a few of those cute prospects view you multiple times… and until you get a few notifications that you have emails, which you can only read if you sign up… so you decide to join, again. But, this time you realize that buying a monthly membership every few months no longer makes sense… and you realize the savings of buying a long-term membership… and you realize you could tempt fate by getting the six month-er just to meet someone after three weeks.

Do it.

Tempt fate.

Consider it money well spent!


To Have “The Talk” or Not?

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships,Single Life

If you are too scared to have The Talk about where you are in a relationship, then you simply cannot assume you and your new love interest are on the same page.  To assume is to make an “ass” out of “u” and “me.” Basically, bypassing The Talk could lead one person in the relationship to feeling more interested than the other, which is never good.

Here’s a clue: if the other person avoids The Talk or behaves skittishly and skirts the topic, then that’s your answer. You can almost guarantee he or she does not want to enter into a monogamous, committed relationship with you for whatever reason. Take note and don’t try to convince yourself that they’re a commitment-phobe, or just not ready, or even that you are committed but don’t need to discuss it. This is a red flag. Ignore at your own risk. Just don’t say I didn’t warn you.


STOP TEXTING!!!

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships,Single Life

A similar situation was brought to my attention by two different people this past week. Both ladies were wondering what intentions their respective “prospects” had with their random texting. These guys would text flirtatiously, but nothing would ever come of it and then they would disappear for while and surface anywhere from a few days to a few weeks to a few months later, only to begin the cycle all over again. Both women wanted to know what it meant and what to do?

I’m just going to be blunt — these guys are bored and are probably texting a number of girls to see who will answer. It’s not surprising that nothing ever comes of it, the guy is enjoying the attention he is getting from the texts and at least thinks that any of these conversations could lead to something more, if he wanted it to. If you are on the receiving end of these types of texts – and you respond – then you have no one to blame but yourself.

Stop answering and the texts will stop coming. Then again, if you’re also bored and aren’t emotionally involved, then why not respond? Just know that it is more than likely that nothing will ever come of the texting — the guy will more than likely disappear and reappear, and you will more than likely grown confused once again.