Author Archive

The Ick Factor

by Tamar Caspi under Date Night,Online Dating,Single Life

When you don’t like your date, you don’t just not like your date… but you see every little flaw and every little tick and every little everything that bothers you.

It’s called the Ick Factor. Once someone bugs you, then you see all the things about them that wouldn’t have normally bothered you. When you don’t like someone, then you will either look for things wrong with them or things will just pop out and annoy you to no end. When you know someone is wrong for you, then you will notice and get icked out by the way they talk, laugh, chew, walk, sit, stand, and basically, exist. Those things wouldn’t bother you if you liked the person.

Realize that this is normal, this is not a match, maintain your dignity, and — after the date — thank the other person for a nice time and move on. Don’t try to see if the ick factor will go away — it won’t.


Email Expiration Date

by Tamar Caspi under JDate,Online Dating,Relationships,Single Life

How long is too long to wait before responding to a JDate email? Ideally you would respond within 48 hours — the same amount of time that is acceptable when you’ve received digits from someone who you met at a bar or elsewhere. If there’s a reason that you can’t get in touch earlier, then apologize for the delay and make sure you sweeten the pot by responding with a charming email.

It happens sometimes. Perhaps they were considering another JDater and wanted to give him or her a chance, and thus ignored their inbox until they were available. This is the usual reason why people don’t respond right away and it’s perfectly acceptable. That said, don’t actually ask whether that’s the reason; simply respond that it’s okay, ask your match how they are doing, and then let the conversation go from there. If that response takes a lengthy amount of time again, then you may simply be communicating with a flake or a player. If they reply right away, however, and it’s an engaging email, then let the delay go and move forward.

Timing is everything with dating. Are you going to give up on someone because of a few weeks?


Flirting or Fun?

by Tamar Caspi under Date Night,JDate,Online Dating,Single Life

There is a fine line between being fun and being flirtatious when you have just met someone and you’re in the beginning stages of getting to know one another. Texting will only make this distinction more difficult, so try to stay away from SMS for as long as possible.

After a good first date, you want to let your match know you had a good time without moving too far too fast. So, pick up the phone to tell them how much fun you had, engage in a little small talk, and then make plans for a second date. Make sure your voice is warm and you’re engaging by smiling when you’re talking. Also, be sure to make the call in a location where you are not stressed (i.e. at work or in front of people). Don’t venture into the gray area of talking about wanting to “continue a good night kiss” or “looking forward to seeing your sexy self” because that sounds like your intentions are not serious.

Build on the momentum of a great first date by calling the next day to make plans as soon as possible.


Over-Sharing

by Tamar Caspi under Date Night,Online Dating,Single Life

There are certain things that are not to be shared on a first date. If it has to do with sex, drugs, or any other illicit activity, then hold off… maybe forever. Lots of things fall under the sex category, including nudity, number of partners, pornography, strippers and so on. Anything along those lines should be considered over-sharing. Drugs include both the prescription kind as well as the illegal kind. No one needs to know about that on a first date! Money, why past relationships ended, and anything having to do with drama can wait for another date.

First date topics should start with continuing the email conversations you began, which usually address your commonalities. Just let it flow naturally from there. If you find the rapport waning, then revert to asking questions from the JDate profile. “Remind me again where you went to school/where you grew up/what you do for a living/how many siblings you have?” Those are always easy ways to get the conversation going again.


If You Won’t Talk About It, Don’t Do It

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships,Single Life

I had a mantra during my teenage years that if I couldn’t tell my Mom what I was doing, then I shouldn’t be doing it. My parents are fairly liberal, yet protective, so they had boundaries that would widen with honesty. If I would tell them I was going to a house party with no parents, their response was that if anyone was to drink — me included, of course — and needed a ride home, then I should call them. Pretty cool, eh?

The older I got, particularly once I moved out of their house, I stopped following this philosophy. I was in college, and then in my twenties, and I was having fun and living it up! My parents wouldn’t understand and I didn’t want to share, certain things are private… at least that’s what I told myself to excuse any behavior I knew they would deem unacceptable. That alone should have told me something, but, of course, I can only see that in hindsight.

If you can’t tell your parents (or at the very least, your friends) about it, then don’t do it. If you’re dating someone that you know your parents won’t like, then there’s probably a reason for it and you’ll figure that out after you get your heart broken, or get stood up, or wake up with your wallet missing. As hard as it is to accept and to say “you were right,” our parents have our best interests at heart. You shouldn’t be ashamed to share, that’s a red flag warning if there ever was one.

So if you’re considering going on a date with someone you’re unsure about, or you’re pondering whether to get serious with someone you don’t think the ‘rents will approve of, or you’re thinking about quitting your job to move to another city either for a mate or to find a mate, then have a heart-to-heart with your mom or dad (or another trusted confidant) and see what their opinion is, and what their instincts tell them; then take that into consideration before making any decisions.


Respect the Text

by Tamar Caspi under Date Night,Single Life

Enough recent stories made me realize that everyone needs a reminder not to text before you are seriously dating someone… and especially not before your first date!

Unless you are texting to confirm the date or to say you’re running a few minutes late, do not text conversational or abstract things until at least after the third date! Your date does not want — or need — to know that you are on your way to the gym, or getting your haircut, or watching TV, or anything else before you’ve even met for the first time. Lay off the texting people!

Less is more before a first date; it creates a sense of mystery and allows you to build up excitement and anticipation, which are the emotions you want to experience before a first date!


To Thine Own Self Be True

by Tamar Caspi under Date Night,JDate,Online Dating,Relationships

What do you do when you meet someone on JDate who has selected “Never” under the “Drinking Category” when you like your glass of wine or bottle of beer at night?

How do you handle flirting with a non-smoker when you love your cigarettes?

What’s your initial reaction when you receive a message from a cute vegetarian, but you pride yourself on being a carnivore?

You have to be true to yourself, and you can’t pretend to be someone you’re not when you’re looking for “forever.” Don’t hesitate to order a drink on your date just because he or she doesn’t imbibe, unless of course they are in AA and then you need to discuss how they feel about it first. If you never plan on quitting smoking, but your date is disgusted by the scent of cigarettes, then you might not want to light up, but you also need to make it clear that you don’t plan on stopping until you feel like it (quitting for someone else never works). Eating out with someone with differing eating habits shouldn’t be a problem, but be respectful of their choices when ordering on their behalf or cooking at home.

Some differences are good, others are a dealbreaker. Again, as long as you’re keeping it real and respectful, then there’s no reason it couldn’t work.


HIMYM

by Tamar Caspi under Entertainment,Relationships

After nine years of watching every episode and looking for clues, How I Met Your Mother has finally come to an end… and the ending was not at all what loyal fans necessarily expected. As is life.

The writers were not going to wrap up the show in a pretty little package and tie it with a perfect bow, rather they were showing how life has twists and turns, and can get really ugly at times. They proved everything happens for a reason, and when it is supposed to (Ted wasn’t with Robin so he could meet Tracy and have his kids, Barney wasn’t with Robin so he could knock up a one-night stand and become a dad, then Ted gets to be with Robin anyway).

I have a similar rollercoaster of a story as to how I met my fiance and I’m sure you will eventually have yours as well. Mine definitely wasn’t pretty either, but — in hindsight of course — it went the way it was supposed to. Yours will too. Dating sucks sometimes, other times it’s exhilarating. Your path to meeting your beshert is going to unfold as it’s supposed to, be patient and just keep dating.


Learn From Your Past in a Positive Way

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships,Single Life

Everyone talks about learning lessons from your past so that you don’t repeat your mistakes, but you ought to also learn from your past in a positive way.

What did you like the most about your exes? What attracted you in a way that wouldn’t wane no matter how bad the relationship got? What did your exes do to make you happy? What were the reasons you wanted to stay with your ex? What kept you there when the going got tough?

Look for those same qualities in your next mate… and then of course remember the lessons you learned about from your past relationships which contributed to their demise (i.e. the negative stuff) and keep those things in mind as well.


Syncing Up Social Media

by Tamar Caspi under Date Night,JDate

Your JDate profile is likely the website with the most thorough biography of you, so it would behoove you to sync up your other social media sites with it.

Many people tend to Google you once they learn your name… which means that your Facebook, Instagram, and even your LinkedIn profiles need to be consistent. If you talk about being a homebody in your JDate profile, then all of your Facebook posts shouldn’t be of you partying. If you say you love your dog, then your Instagram should show some of that love. If you claim to be a successful entrepreneur, then your LinkedIn page should show lots of connections, endorsements and a resume to back it up.

Obviously, the most important thing is to prove that you’re a good and trustworthy person to other singles, so being honest from the get-go and having proof of your integrity is a great start.