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A recent story about a one night stand which spilled into Boston’s recent citywide lockdown and prevented an early morning walk of shame made me think about hooking up on the first date. After you’ve taken the time (and money) to sign up for JDate and complete your profile, then connect with someone and plan a first date, you have to decide what to do when you hit it off so much that you kinda, well, wanna hook-up. Should you?

It’s quite the predicament when you have awesome chemistry but are just on the first date and want to have a second date but, on one hand, are not sure if hooking up will forfeit your chances for a second date or, on the other hand, if not hooking up will forfeit your chances for a second date. There’s no right answer.

But there are signs to look for to make sure that the chemistry isn’t faked by your date just to hook-up: is your date agreeing with everything you say and has he been very affectionate from the beginning of the date even before you really knew how you felt? If your date is offering lots of compliments and yet still making you feel as though if you don’t hook up with him (or her, girls got game too!) then you won’t get a second date? If you are ever made to feel like a second date hinges upon a hook-up then that’s your sign to bail.

If the date feels very genuine then go ahead and follow your instincts but I strongly advise to keep the hook-up PG-13 lest you end up coming across as someone lesser than who you’ve said you are. Is a make-out session warranted when you really like someone? Sure. But keep your clothes on and respect your date by leaving their clothes on.

Everyone is going to get burned at some point by this predicament. If you choose not to hook-up because you like the person so much that you don’t want to ruin it that you therefore send the wrong signals. Or you hook-up thinking it’s going to lead to a second date and never hear from the prospect again. Or hooking up and letting it go too far that you end up being a one night stand. These are unfortunate parts of dating, but don’t take it personally just learn from it and try to read the signs next time so you can better trust your instincts.

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Tamar Caspi Shnall is giving online profile makeovers. Today she’s tweaking the profile for “Naomi.”

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Hi Tamar!

I just renewed my membership and am really hoping for success this time around. I started to update my profile and think I could use some help. Any suggestions on what’s working/not working at the moment? My profile name is a combination of my first and middle name, but I’m not locked down – should I consider something else? Also, what are your thoughts on my ‘own words?’ I’ll take any tips to help mold my profile into one that will attract some genuine attention.

Many thanks!

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Hi Naomi,

PROFILE NAME
Your profile name isn’t bad but it’s not as awesome as you are. There’s no way one would know that it’s a combination of your first and middle names plus there’s some random digits added at the end so it’s really kinda boring… and you’re not! Try something more like this: GetToKnowNaomi, DontSayNoToNaomi, or NaomiInNewEngland. Spunk it up a little bit!

PHOTOS
Love your photos! There are plenty to choose from and you exude confidence and consistency in each one. I would reorder them though and make it the following: keep the first there as your main photo, then make the last one of you dancing second, make the fourth one of your super close-up third, the full length in the dress should go fourth, sitting in the cool chair fifth, the orange top sixth and the one with the wine bottle last. That one is a cute picture but I don’t think it’s a great idea to have alcohol in a picture so close to the front.

IN MY OWN WORDS
I really like your “ABOUT ME” — I truly feel like I know your personality so I want to applaud you for one of the more well-written essays I’ve ever read. Therefore, I’m going to be nit-picky. Add a period after the word “dream” in the first line. Perhaps eliminate segments here and there which are repeated later in your other answers in order to make the essay a bit less lengthy. Next, fix the grammar in the beginning of your answer to “ON FRIDAY AND SATURDAY NIGHTS I TYPICALLY…”

DETAILS
Answer the questions about your IDEAL MATCH wanting kids, as that is an important question. Extend your age range a few years. Since you’re almost 30 you should start creeping past the mid-30s range and into the late-30s range.

I’m glad you decided to give JDate another chance as I think you will do quite well here this time around. Welcome back! Not sure how long you’re going to last though… but for only the best reasons!

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Tamar Caspi Shnall is giving online profile makeovers. Today she’s tweaking the profile for “Simon.”

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Dear Tamar, 

I’ve been a JDate member for about 3 years now, made numerous changes to my profile, but nothing seems to happen.

Could you please take a look at my profile and tell me what I’m doing wrong? I have absolutely no clue.  

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Hi Simon,

PROFILE NAME
Your profile name is great — simple and straight to the point. Using your first name and pairing it with your birth year is a very easy way to create a unique profile name.

PHOTOS
Soooo…. your photos. They are so different from one to the next that I haven’t the faintest idea what you truly look like. The first one, a close-up, is sweet and the third one is great because it’s a full body shot and shows your height. I don’t know the timing of between the first and third and which is more recent but the third one makes you seem more slender and fit than any of the others. If that’s how you currently look then you need to immediately eliminate the second photo. You’re a big guy and that’s great — it’s hard to find a tall Jew! But the way you’re positioned in the second photo makes you look heavy. Now, my problem is that your face and hair look different from the first to the third photo which is why you need at the very least 2 more photos to show that your hair can be any length at any time in between haircuts. Yes, that sounds obvious, but people are making flash decisions and you don’t want anyone to question the age of your photos or the consistency of your look. Since your first and third photos are now the only two photos and both are posed, I would recommend you ask friends or family to start taking candid photos while engaged in a hobby or hanging out.

IN MY OWN WORDS
“ABOUT ME” is far longer than I prefer. You tend to be repetitive in places so I suggest reading it again and deleting any sentences which basically say the same thing you already said. I understand using different words to help get a point across, but “treating a woman right” can only be said so many times before it actually starts to come across as disingenuous. I love that you talk about the fact that you love life and mention some of the things you like to do. Specifically, I would delete the last line of the second paragraph as well as the third paragraph. Less is more in this case.

“MY LIFE AND AMBITIONS” should be a bit more detailed in the fact that you are still studying. So perhaps add: “My goal is to graduate with a degree in … and then find a well-paying job in a career path I am passionate about all the while having a loving woman and family by my side.” This way, finding a job doesn’t sound like you’re unemployed but rather still in school, which is the truth.

I’ll be very blunt with you, “MY IDEAL RELATIONSHIP” is cheesy. I know that you are a romantic guy and that you are just being yourself and trying to express your sweet side, but it’s just not coming across the way you might think in this answer. You’ve already been very clear about how you respect women and treat them as such. You need to find a way to explain yourself in a less expected way. Here’s an idea: “My perfect relationship  is one in which we laugh a lot and, when we fight (because all couples fight at some point), we go back to laughing as soon as possible. I’m an affectionate guy and want a woman who shares that characteristic and whose hand I’ll still be holding when we’re old and wrinkled.” See how that got your statement across in a more genuine way?

DETAILS
I would delete the following: your weight (being honest in your “body style” is enough of an answer) and annual income (you are in college and say so, that’s plenty explanation as to the fact that you probably have an income lower than that of a typical person with a college degree working a full-time job). I would edit the following: age range should only be a minimum of 21 since you are in your mid-twenties and you should tighten the reigns on other items in “IDEAL MATCH” as it seems as though you selected everything under marital status/religion/education/smoking/drinking. I know you want to see who is out there and to spread as wide a net as possible, but are you honestly ready to marry a widowed, Hassidic, smoker who frequently drinks and only has an elementary level education? Doubtful.

Finally, double check your paragraphs as I saw a few typos here and there (a misuse of a semi-colon under “I’M LOOKING FOR…” and a lack of end-quotes under “YOU SHOULD DEFINITELY MESSAGE ME IF YOU…” both of which are quite distracting. Other than that, I think with the changes you will see things start to happen!

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Tamar Caspi Shnall is giving online profile makeovers. This week she’s tweaking the profile for “Steve.”

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Hi Steve,

PROFILE NAME
Alright, alright, your profile name (ie. your name with a little added attitude) is smart and yes, a little cocky in a funny way. Women do like confidence and your profile name exudes that confidence by exposing your humorous side. Continue the funnies in your paragraphs as the initial thrill of your profile name kind of dissipates as one reads your words.

PHOTOS
Great photos! Shows you’re well-rounded, well-travelled, active and fun. Only possible addition I would suggest is one with grandparents or nieces and nephews to also show your family side.

IN MY OWN WORDS
To continue what I was saying above, your profile name sets a standard of expected attitude — that being fun and witty — and I strongly suggest continuing that style throughout your paragraphs. You do so in MY PERFECT FIRST DATE and THE THINGS I CANNOT LIVE WITHOUT but ABOUT ME needs some of that humor too. You mention many exotic locales in THE COOLEST PLACES I’VE VISITED but you also call yourself “down-to-earth” in ABOUT ME so therefore you need to explain more about why traveling is important to you or how you’ve managed to visit such awesome places so women can connect to you better. Also, talk about your family and where you grew up and how you got to where you live now. Prospective dates need to feel a kinship with you.

DETAILS
A few notes here: answer the SMOKING question — people care if you’re a smoker or not — and adjust your AGE RANGE from 20-30 to 21-33 — a 20-year-old, although 10 years younger than you which is my normal preferred range is not appropriate for a 30-year-old, she can’t even go to a bar with you! I really prefer 23-33 for you, but a wider age range is better than a wrong one. Because of all the traveling you’ve done and the established career you have, I believe you would connect to a woman a few years older than you.

Finally, I know residents in Toronto and possibly even in Ontario will know where you live and where you grew up, but you may want to try a bit broader and actually put Toronto as where you live and then be more specific in ABOUT ME, as that will attract more women and then allow you to pare down your preferences from there.

Spring is here (finally!) and while the flowers are abloomin’, people are asufferin’ from allergies. Alas, this post has nothing to do with spring succulents, but rather with the other succulent — your pucker (not your pecker, get your head out of the gutter!) — that is, your lips. Lips are important but it’s not how thick or thin they are but how moisturized they are. So I guess this does tie back in to allergies after all as most people with a stuffy nose or blocked sinuses right now have dry lips as well.

No one wants to kiss dry lips. You could have pencil-line thin, barely-there lips or you could have Lisa Rinna plump and juicy lips, but if they are dry and cracked and you have that yucky white film building up in the corners of your lips, then no one is going to want to kiss you.

Carry chapstick with you at all times, particularly on the first few dates. Ladies — I strongly advise that you find a tinted chapstick or something non-sticky to put on your lips. Wet lips draw a man to your lips and almost compel him to kiss you. Men —  I don’t care if it’s strawberry flavored, make sure you moisturize your lips. Even if your lips don’t feel dry you should roll on a layer in an undercover way prior to puckering up.

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Tamar Caspi Shnall is giving online profile makeovers. This week she’s tweaking the profile for “Robbie.”

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Hi Robbie,

PROFILE NAME
I know your initials are in there, but I’m not quite sure what else you’re trying to say with the rest of the profile name. Sayings and acronyms only work if everyone is in on the joke. I know you have a sense of humor, so definitely find a way to use it in your profile name but only if everyone will get it.

PHOTOS
Great, consistent photos. Love the fun Mets picture and I’m leaning towards you making it your profile photo as it shows your personality. You’ve done a great job with close-ups, (almost) full length, smiling and serious photos. I would add another photo or two with something funny happening or doing an activity to round out the collection.

IN MY OWN WORDS
Pretty good answers here. So far. You talk about your humor and your love of movies but there’s a lot more to learn about you which you should add to the ABOUT ME section. Where are you from? What kind of childhood did you have? Parents/siblings/nieces & nephews? Where did you go to college? These are a few nuggets of information which give some insight into your background without revealing too much details that should otherwise be left to correspondence and first date conversation.

I would recommend answering the rest of the questions (What I Learned from Past Relationships, My Perfect First Date, A Brief History of My Life — which is where the info I mentioned above belongs).

DETAILS
Everything here looks good except for the few “not answered yet” questions, particularly AGE RANGE  and HAS/WANTS KIDS. Those are important questions to answer. You’re on the younger side being in your mid-twenties and that makes the age range narrower than it would be in your thirties and forties. I doubt you want someone who isn’t old enough to drink, so I think 22 should be your minimum and 28 should be your maximum right now. It’s narrower than I typically like, but it’s appropriate until you move into your late 20s (if you’re still single then). Finally, you state that you want kids so it makes sense to select “yes” when asked if you want to meet a woman who wants kids. Unless you feel strongly about a woman having children right now, then it’s okay to leave that blank but it’s even better to select “doesn’t matter” so that you don’t have blank spaces.

Hi Tamar,

I am an attractive, divorced woman and I get a lot of emails on JDate. I only answer the guys that I am interested in, but what drives me crazy is that when I answer them, they don’t answer me back! Why would they email me to begin with?! It just doesn’t make sense to me! Do you have any idea why?

-Dumbfounded Dater

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Hi Dumbfounded Dater,

Ahhhh the mysteries of dating. There’s never a good explanation nor is there ever one single answer as each person has their reason for not responding, just as you most likely don’t respond to the guys whom you are not interested in (and those men are left wondering why).

The reasons I’ve heard are quite varied: they heard back from someone else before you and started dating, they didn’t like your response, they had emailed all the women who fit their preferences and only narrowed it down after receiving responses, they decided to take a break from JDate, and finally, the kicker — they’re just not that into you. I know that last one sucks because you’re getting so many emails with no results. The only comfort I can give you is that everyone has the same experience at some point. You are not alone. Whether you meet guys at a bar, through friends or on JDate they will ask for your number and not call or call once and then not call again or will text (ick) and then not follow-up. All singles have gone through this.

My suggestion would be this: email me some of your messages with your responses so I can decipher if the guys weren’t being genuine in their initial emails or if your responses were turning them off for some reason. Provide me with your profile name as well and I can take a look at your profile and photos and give you my feedback.

-Tamar

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Tamar Caspi Shnall is giving online profile makeovers. Today she’s tweaking the profile for “Silvia.”

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Hi Silvia,

Well, you know how I feel about numbers as your profile name — it is a terrible indication of how creative you are and how much effort you’ve put into your profile. One idea that comes to mind for you is an alliteration of the first letter of your name — S. So… SingleSilvia, SuperSilvia, SilviaSeekingSomeone, SilviaSays, and so forth. Or turn it into something more descriptive about you — GlamGram, NotYourTypicalBlonde, FloridaGlamma, I could keep going but I think you’ve got the idea!

The pictures you have are really nice. Since the first 2 are the same, I’d actually eliminate the first one and make the second one your profile picture because it’s slightly more in focus. The next photo makes you look quite different than the others so it could also be on the chopping block if you don’t have anything else to supplement. The last with your grandchildren is beautiful, but add a description that they are in fact your grandkids. You look great, and not just for a woman in her 60s! So add more photos showing off your youthfulness! Since I already suggested eliminating one and possibly two then you need to find at least two more to add, preferably one showing your full body.

I appreciate that you kept your “In My Own Words” answers short, simple and sweet, but I would add a little extra so that it doesn’t seem as though you breezed right through the questions without putting any effort into it. In “About Me” add a bit about how many kids and grandkids you have and how long you’ve been divorced. Then add something about your passion for your work or another hobby to round it out and direct the reader back to you and away from your history. Is there anything else you can add to what “I’m Looking For” to embellish it? Maybe… “A companion in a life filled with passion and joy” or something of the sort. Again, in “My Ideal Relationship” it sounds like you want a best friend because you don’t mention anything about a lover.

All your details are completed and you have a nice age range. The only item which stood out to me is that you describe yourself as Modern Orthodox but then say you only keep kosher at home and only go to synagogue on some shabbats. Maybe this should be addressed in About Me as it is confusing. Otherwise, I think by creating a profile name, adding a few pictures and adding some more description you should be well on your way to a successful JDate experience! Good luck!

Get an Extreme Profile Makeover

Tamar Caspi Shnall is giving online profile makeovers. Today she’s tweaking the profile for “Anna.”

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Hi Anna,

Although I appreciate you creating a profile name, only half of it is really unique. It’s not a bad profile name, but if you can add another word at the end rather than a string of numbers it would be much better.

I really like your assortment of pictures, but I strongly recommend adding a description to each photo to either say where you are (if you’re alone) or which placement you are in a photo full of friends and what you’re doing. You have great photos which show your personality and how active you are, so add a short blurb to give more detail.

Most of your “In My Own Words” paragraphs are good. “About Me” seems to be missing a few words and could use another line or two to describe more of who you are, why you’re on JDate and what you’re looking for in life. Less is more, yes, but a little extra will only help. Otherwise the rest of your answers are great!

Your details are thorough and your Ideal Match choices are broad enough. Your age range is wide but as a woman in her early 30′s I think you need to venture into the early 40′s. Even if it’s just by a year or two. And if you do happen to be on JDate through your next birthday then you should increase both your minimum and maximum age by a year each.

I also recommend completing Likes & Interests by selecting even just a few items from each multiple choice category. If you’re still not having much success after making these tweaks then you should also make sure your preferred area is wide enough as well. Since you live in the Bay Area, don’t narrow down your miles surrounding San Francisco too small but expand to include Oakland, San Jose, and so on. Select the 50 mile radius at minimum, a 100 mile radius would be even better. Good luck!

You’re on JDate looking for a relationship and meanwhile you’re probably looking at other couples and thinking: “when I fall in love I’m not going to gain weight like everyone else does!” Well, that’s easier said than done. Once you start dating someone seriously a few things tend to happen — you go out to eat more often, you choose to hang out with your new beau rather than hit the gym, and you sacrifice sleep for the sake of staying up late at night to talk. Those three things are the perfect storm to gaining love weight in the beginning of a relationship. It’s not impossible to avoid, but be prepared for it to happen. Chances are, both of you are gaining said weight so both of you can work together to lose the respective pounds too, but in the meantime you can try to order healthy without coming across as an anorexic, you can fit in even 30 minutes on the treadmill or on a run, and you can choose to put your zzzzz’s before your xxxxx’s and oooo’s. In fact, this way you will draw out the lovely honeymoon stage by making yourself ever so slightly unavailable for the sake of your health. No prospect will fault you for that and in fact, it will only be respected. If you still end up gaining the love weight, have fun doing so together and then bond over shedding it together as well.