So far, my profile has been visited by more than 50 girls, and I wrote emails to many of them but only two answered. Is there something I’m not doing correctly? Maybe I’m not writing the correct text? I don’t like the standard, prewritten emails. Could I get some advice?
Dear No Answers,
JDate can be a numbers game… how many women’s profiles are you viewing, sending a Flirt to, clicking on Secret Admirer or adding to your Favorites list? Do you log on daily to view women and make sure the women know you’re interested by viewing them multiple times a week? Do you write emails when you find someone you’re interested in or do you wait for them to view you in return? In order to increase your odds in getting responses to your messages you need to be active and proactive. But make sure your emails aren’t too aggressive, you don’t want to come off as desperate or needy. Tell the women why you are interested in them and what you have in common and that you hope to hear from them soon. Good luck!
My girlfriend Lauren has dated the same type of man over and over and over and finally realized after having her heart broken and being disappointed for the upteenth time that she was going after the wrong type. So she referred to her List and decided to only go for guys that actually fit her preferences rather than the guys she was instantly attracted to. And she found him. The guy who was perfect. He fit her List to a tee and she was hopeful that she had finally found her beshert. Except that’s all he was… good on paper. Something was missing, something she couldn’t put her finger on. He fulfilled all her requirements yet she wasn’t falling in love. What was missing? Being able to satisfy all your requirements and preferences on a checklist does not love make.
Your List is supposed to be helpful in keeping you away from people who aren’t right for you but that doesn’t mean that someone who hits all the marks will be right for you either. Don’t stay with someone just because they’re good on paper, but do give them a fair chance before you cast them by the wayside. Lauren continued to date this guy who was supposed to be her Mr. Right for nearly six months hoping that it would evolve into something more before finally pulling the plug. Lauren felt a bit lovelost as she thought that a man who checked off her non-negotiables would be “The One” but she recovered and set back out to find someone who both checked off MOST of her preferences while also giving her butterflies.
Many, many posts ago I wrote about updating your status on Facebook and how broadcasting your every date, crush, and disappointment is harmful to your health. Well, so are your rants. A friend of mine who I’ll call Lisa was divorced about 3 years ago and has consistently updated her relationship status since then with every boyfriend she quickly entered into a relationship with, posted about them in her Newsfeed, and then subsequently reverting her status and ranting about each guy and why the relationship met its demise.
When Lisa’s most recent boyfriend proposed after 6 months she elatedly posted a photo of her ring and changed her status. One friend of hers couldn’t hold back and commented that she hoped Lisa would be cautious. Granted, it wasn’t this woman’s place to comment on a public forum, she was wrong and she was rude, but Lisa responded by ranting that she wished people would be happy for her or keep their mouths shut and that she was going to delete people who couldn’t be happy for her — which put a damper on what should have been her special day.
I sent Lisa a private message and told her that I strongly recommend that in the future she simply delete negative comments and possibly delete those people as well. I also congratulated her and silently prayed that this engagement was going to be successful (and would minimize her dramatic posts). But Lisa set herself up for part of it as well by constantly narrating her love life as well as her heartbreaks more often than she changed her profile picture.
Just like no one really wants or needs to know what you ate for dinner, no one wants or needs to know about every date, every new prospect, every rejection, or every kiss. Keep some intimate items to yourself or share them with your closest friends. Not only is it no one’s business but new JDate prospects who are on Facebook or will eventually be your Facebook friend will be able to look back and see all of thee dramatic posts and may think differently about you because of it.
Who are you? Who are you with your friends, with your family, at work, on dates and in a relationship? Are you the same person or do you have different personas depending upon who you’re around? If you’re dating someone and begin introducing them to your family, friends and coworkers are they going to recognize you and your personality?
Everyone is on their best behavior during the first few dates with someone new, that’s understandable and acceptable, but if you make a complete 180 once you get serious or are around other people then you aren’t being real, and you’re not being fair to yourself or your date. Don’t be fake, that requires far too much effort, and you don’t want someone who likes you for who you are pretending to be.
On the heels of Holiday Humdrum, another related subject about gifts often comes up with new couples during the holidays. If you recently got serious with a JDater and thought you’d have a chance to get through Thanksgiving and become more serious before having to figure out what you’re going to get your new significant other for Hanukkah… well, your luck is out this year and the pressure is on because Thanksgivukkah is quickly approaching.
There are a few things you can do to take the pressure off though. You can have a talk and decide to wait until New Year’s Eve to exchange gifts or you can decide to set a limit on what you will spend on each other or you can agree to forego gifts altogether while still making sure to celebrate together.
Finally, a typical “Jewish mother” reminder: when you go to someone’s home for a holiday party remember to bring some kind of hostess gift be it a candle, a bottle of wine, or flowers. If you are bringing someone home to your house or if you are going to someone else’s house to celebrate then offer to help even if you know you will be rejected and definitely take it upon yourself to help clear dishes after each course.
As Thanksgiving and the holidays approach there are 2 paths singles can take: give up the search for your beshert to avoid the pressures of a relationship during a period filled with family affairs, office parties and social functions; or make even more of an effort to find a significant other to share in the festivities.
Neither train of thought is inherently wrong but you don’t want to miss an opportunity to meet someone special because you’re afraid of introducing a date to your coworkers. And you don’t want to get serious with the wrong someone just because you don’t want to be alone during the holidays.
Your best bet is to continue as normal, being active on JDate, and going to your local Jewish holiday parties. If you meet someone and feel comfortable inviting them to a party then do so but don’t create unrealistic expectations. If you meet someone but feel awkward inviting them to a party, then don’t do it but don’t give up on something developing later either.
A great blog post about marriage has gone viral… it’s called: Marriage Is Not For You written by Seth Adam Smith. The post was written by a man who met his wife in high school and was friends with her for 10 years before they took it to a romantic level. He says that you should marry your best friend but yet he was very nervous and anxious as their wedding day approached. He explained his fears to his father who told him:
“Seth, you’re being totally selfish. So I’m going to make this really simple: marriage isn’t for you. You don’t marry to make yourself happy, you marry to make someone else happy. More than that, your marriage isn’t for yourself, you’re marrying for a family. Not just for the in-laws and all of that nonsense, but for your future children. Who do you want to help you raise them? Who do you want to influence them? Marriage isn’t for you. It’s not about you. Marriage is about the person you married.”
Seth really took to his father’s advice and went on to say:
“No, a true marriage (and true love) is never about you. It’s about the person you love—their wants, their needs, their hopes, and their dreams. Selfishness demands, “What’s in it for me?”, while Love asks, “What can I give?”’
The point is, make sure when dating that you’re looking for someone whom you want to make happy without strings and who wants to make you happy without any strings. The minute you start having selfish thoughts, such as: “I’ve spent this much money on him/her and I’m not receiving the same in return” — then you need to gut-check yourself and figure out if this is a make-or-break thought or a fleeting thought. If you’re keeping tally on anything in the relationship and can’t stop doing so then you may need to keep searching for someone with whom you won’t care how much you do for them and how much you receive in return because all you want to do is make him or her happy.
What Would Jew Do?
There were some exciting commonalities within your JDate profiles and there was attraction and even some exciting email exchanges before meeting. But once you’re on your date you know almost instantly that it’s not meant to be. What’s a Jew to do?
You can either continue on the date but give off very platonic vibes and make it incredibly obvious that you’re not feeling your date as a romantic match but can enjoy their company on a friendship level and make sure to pay for yourself. Or, you can simply state that although you were very excited to go on the date that you “just know” this isn’t going to be a match but that since you’re already both dressed up and out on the town that you would be happy to continue enjoying each other’s company and get to know each other as friends and maybe think of other people to set each other up with or, if they’re not interested in doing so, then to just call it a night.
No matter which option you choose, treat your date with respect because they may not feel the same way as you… and one day you could be in their position.
What Would Jew Do?
You’re early on in a new relationship and run into your date’s last flame while out and about. The ex greets your flame very intimately with a kiss too close to his or her mouth, a hug that lingered a moment too long and overall just too touchy-feely. What’s a Jew to do?
First, take a deep breath and don’t pass judgment too soon. Your new prospect isn’t with his or her ex for a reason and their ex could either be still hung up on them or could be one of those people who doesn’t understand personal space. Give your beau a chance to explain and if you do ask any questions make sure to limit how many questions you ask and to control your tone as well as your facial expressions. As long as everything checks out, let it go and move on.
What Would Jew Do?
You’ve been 39 for a few years according to your JDate profile… or you’re in your early 50s but can easily pass for mid-40s so you calculate a fake birthdate… you do so hoping to attract a more suitable match but fail to recognize that eventually the truth will come out and the probability of ruining whatever relationship you’ve built will increase. What’s a Jew to do? It doesn’t matter how old or young you are or how great you look for your age or that no one ever believes your real age, it is best to be honest and sign up using your true birthdate and then taking some time to explain why your age range is what it is. If you really look that good then maybe it’s self-explanatory. Don’t spend too much time concentrating on it in your profile or in person because it will sound too much like you’re trying to convince or persuade someone to accept you when your sparkling qualities should do that on their own. Do to your age being higher than you may want to admit then you may have to make more of an effort to contact prospects whose age ranges you don’t fall into. Simply let them know that… I know I’m not the typical age of someone you’d normally go for, but I’m young at heart, super active, and luckily have great genes which help me look younger than my years and hopefully you can confirm all of the above yourself when we meet… or something along those lines. Embracing your age when your mind and body are younger is sexy!