Author Archive

Extreme Profile Makeover: “Barry”

by Tamar Caspi under JDate,Monday Makeover,Online Dating,Single Life

Hi Tamar,

My friend is cute and sweet, but not getting any attention on JDate. Can you take a look at his profile and see what you think?



Dear “friend” of Barry,

You’re right… your friend is cute and does seem sweet! So, let’s see how I can help your, I mean, his profile get more attention.

Let’s start with the photos. I like the main profile picture a lot, but do prefer more of a headshot for this photo rather than one where we can’t see his face (although I can tell that he is indeed cute). The other two photos are just okay, but would be better if there was that clear close-up of his face so that these were the fun complementary photos since they are both kind of dark.

Profile Name
Leaves something to be desired. Very typical “male” profile name of what is likely his last name and some digits. Barry seems to have much more personality than this profile name suggests.

In My Own Words
You know, there’s nothing here I would really change. I like what he had to write, which is why I think the focus needs to be on fixing his profile name and photos to support this. I would add a bit here and there… saying that your history is not “brief” can be seen as a sketchy answer since a 34-year-old should really be able to answer this without writing a book like the 62-year-old JDater who asked for an ‘Extreme Profile Makeover’ last week.

I can deduce by his tidbit about Philly sports teams that he’s likely from there originally — at the very least he can expand upon that and explain how he got to Los Angeles. This can either go in the “About Me” section or “Brief History” section. He also mentions not being able to live without his family, so he can also add which family members he’s close to so that dating prospects can begin to create a connection.

His Details
There are WAY TOO MANY blanks in this section, which only adds to the sketchiness I mentioned before. Too many blanks, unanswered questions, and too short of answers make it seem like the person is not really taking this seriously. Not everything needs to be filled in, but “My Ideal Match” needs more. What are his general preferences for a woman’s age? I suggest 25-35 for a 34-year-old man. Since he has his bachelor’s degree and says he’s established in his career, then he likely wants a woman who also has a minimum of a bachelor’s degree. He says he’s Reform and never goes to temple, so he should add those to the list as well.

Find more profile advice in the book “How to Woo a Jew: The Modern Jewish Guide to Dating and Mating” available now!

Dear Tamar: How Do I Slow Down a Relationship Without Killing It?

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Dear Tamar,

I met a girl on JDate about a month ago and we have been seeing each other a lot — like 4-5 times a week. It’s felt natural but I’m concerned that we’re moving too fast. How do I slow it down without her thinking I’m not interested and inadvertently ending the relationship?

Dear Fast-Mover,

This is actually a common conundrum. You don’t want to mess with the flow and you do look forward to seeing the person again as soon as possible, but when you take a step back you realize that it’s only been a month yet feels like it’s been 6 months or more you get a bit freaked out. This isn’t a bad thing, but most have us have probably been burned by moving too fast and slowing things down is not a bad idea. So how do you do it?

Have a talk and be honest. If you really, truly like the girl and aren’t doubting the relationship then perhaps state that you want to make it official that you’re in a monogamous, committed relationship and that said, you also need to make sure you’re not abandoning work, working out, friends, family, hobbies. Let her know that you are all-in and excited to see where the relationship goes and so you want to slow things down a bit and make sure that you have quality dates versus quantity. You will need to reassure her with positivity so that she knows you’re not trying to play her. And commit to what you said you would do by making future plans on the spot.

Tamar Caspi is the author of How to Woo a Jew: The Official Jewish Guide to Dating and Mating.

Dear Tamar: What Went Wrong?

by Tamar Caspi under Date Night,Online Dating,Single Life

Dear Tamar,

For the first time in a long time I finally liked a guy and we had a few awesome dates, after which he and I emailed and discussed making plans… but then I never heard from him again!

What went wrong?


Dear ‘What Went Wrong,’

That sucks. It seriously is the worst part of dating. I hate when people do that (it’s not always men, women are just as guilty); it’s rude and inconsiderate and simply not good for karma! So, here’s the way I look at it: this guy did you a favor by cutting out after only a few dates because he is clearly not who you thought he was, and is not the right guy for you. It’s not personal. It’s more a reflection of who this guy actually is than anything about you. It stings to not have closure, but chalk it up to him saving you from more grief later on and move on. And know that you are in good company because EVERYONE has had this happen to them… now make sure you don’t do it to someone else!

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Extreme Profile Makeover — “Deb”

by Tamar Caspi under JDate,Monday Makeover,Online Dating,Single Life

Dear Tamar,

I really want to find someone to share the rest of my life with… or at least someone to share life’s days ahead, one day at a time. I’ve been independent since 1992 — with relationships — but only a select few (as I had a young son). I’ve been camera shy till recently, so I need a full figure photo (which should go in my favor). Plus, I’d like to show my 2 pups: LOVE ME, LOVE MY DOGS.

Can you help?


Dear “Deb,”

Let’s see, where shall we begin? I love your profile photo — and yes, you need additional supporting pictures (as you know). I also like your profile name and how you tie it back into the profile later. The rest I will dissect below:

In My Own Words
I’m going to break this down by section since you answered every section.

  • About Me
    Nice, concise, witty, and complete. Leave as is, aside from one thing: you talk about looking young for your age. Rather than list the exact age people think you are, simply say that people think you’re 20 years younger, and that you often have to show your ID to prove them wrong.
  • My Life and Ambitions
    There are some typos that need to be fixed. Also, I would delete the part about “this New Year” since Rosh Hashanah will come and go, and then you’ll be left with an outdated profile or the need to update again. A timeless account is best. In fact, I’d delete that sentence and the ones following it. What you wrote up until then is good and the rest is redundant.
  • A Brief History of My Life
    The keyword here is brief. Six paragraphs is not brief. I’d eliminate the last part of the first paragraph about your father’s family, as that is awesome information to share on a date. Delete the second, fourth, fifth, and sixth paragraphs. Then condense the first and third and make it cohesive. The cities you’ve lived in and why you moved, when you divorced and your son, your career. The rest either belongs in other categories — which you may have even already covered in those sections — or they should wait to be used on dates.
  • My Perfect First Date/On Our First Date Remind Me to Tell You About
    Both of these are great!
  • The Things I Could Never Live Without
    Also great!
  • My Favorite Books, Movies, etc
    I’d suggest condensing and listing more like this:
    Books: Tony Robbins, 20th Century Classics
    Movies: I’m obsessed with classic films and am quite the trivia buff!
    TV: all Law & Order, Sci-Fi, epic dramas, NO reality TV
  • The Coolest Places I’ve Visited/ For Fun I Like To…
    I don’t think these are necessary. You don’t need to answer all the questions, and since you only have so much time in which to pique the interest of a prospect, you should only keep the ones that add something of substance.
  • On Friday and Saturday Nights
    This is good as is.
  • I’m Looking For/ My Ideal Relationship
    Pick one or the other, you don’t need both.
  • My Past Relationships
    I think you’ve given waaaaay too much information here. We get it: you are friends with your exes, and that’s awesome! Just saying that is enough; you don’t need to go into detail. Leave the first line and delete the rest.
  • You Should Message Me If…
    This is good as is.

Your Details and My Ideal Match are both fine. Make sure you play around with some of those preferences to make sure you’re seeing all your prospects (age range, marital status) and that they know you are open to them as well. You’re 62, but look younger, so a 70-year-old man who looks younger may be a great fit — don’t count him out!

For more advice on revamping your profile, visit HowtoWooaJew.


Dear Tamar: Help Me Transition From Recluse to Active Dater

by Tamar Caspi under JDate,Monday Makeover,Online Dating,Single Life

Dear Tamar,

Help! I’m a longtime recluse, just escaping my cocoon after a series of life events. I look and feel great, but am gun-shy, rusty and IGNORANT on how to date successfully online and in-person. Though I’m 63 next month, NO ONE (even doctors!) believe I’m over 42. I’m at the age where I’d rather be alone than with the wrong person. My fear is saying too much, the wrong thing, or coming on too hyper. Any advice?

-Former Recluse


Dear Former Recluse,

Congratulations on coming out of the cocoon, and welcome to the world of online dating! The biggest piece of advice I have for people who don’t know what to say on dates is to make sure you’re a good listener first and foremost. You can listen well by showing attentiveness, engaging your date by asking follow-up questions, and making a connection by inserting comments when you have something in common.

As a young looking 63-year-old woman you have a bit of a challenge ahead of you. It would be better for you to list an age range of 55-70. It’s wide, but your age is right in the middle and gives the chance to show a 55-year-old man that age is a state of mind… just as much as a 70-year-old can prove to you the same thing. When you look different from your age, your pictures need to back up this claim and, of course, you do as well in-person. And it goes without saying that it doesn’t matter if you look 20 years younger than your age if you act 20 years older. Again, age is a state of mind.

Send me your profile so I can review it for an Extreme Profile Makeover and help you on your way to finding a great companion!

Follow How to Woo a Jew on Instagram!

Extreme Profile Makeover: “Isaac”

by Tamar Caspi under JDate,Monday Makeover,Online Dating,Single Life

Dear Tamar,

I’m new to JDate, and I’ve been messing around with my profile here and there trying to write something great. I’m trying to share enough information about myself without writing my whole life story — I don’t want it to be boring, and want to be completely honest. I’m not sure why I haven’t gotten any replies to emails, or any initiation by anyone who is a good match. Can you please maybe check it out and tell me from your point of view what can be improved… or is a complete makeover necessary?



Hi Isaac,

Your profile looks pretty complete and well-written to me. So, I’m going to be nit-picky here and help you make your profile as awesome as possible!

This may be your biggest downfall, honestly. You’re a good-looking and TALL Jew, yet your photos aren’t of the greatest quality. And, until I glanced at your stats, I assumed you were a shorty… weird, huh? I don’t really like any of the photos enough to go through the motions of rearranging and editing them. Take new ones by someone who understands lighting and angles. Then you can add back in the photo of you with your sister at her wedding, and the last one with two friends — just be sure to write in the description that you’re the one in the middle… the tall one! You can also keep the second one and use that one as your profile photo for now until you get new ones taken. Delete the rest.

Profile Name
I believe you used your initials and birthdate for your profile name. It’s fine, but it’s not WOW, you know? You can use adjectives: TallFunnyNYJew or you can use the humor you say you live by and create a new, eye-catching name.

In My Own Words
I don’t think you need to rewrite much here. Just review it for some typos that you may not have caught. Also, since you’re 25 (a youngun in the dating world), perhaps add in a line about why you are looking for someone so they know you’re serious about a relationship.

My Ideal Match
You’re 25… your age range is 18-28… I appreciate that you follow my ten year age-range rule, but I also encourage those in their 20s to narrow the range (and encourage “older adults” to widen the range). You don’t want to date a teenager, even if she is in college and is mature. Edit your age range to minimum 21, maximum 27 — that will let prospects know you’re serious about finding someone. When I see a guy in his mid-20’s being open to dating an 18-year-old I immediately think “he’s looking for a hook-up,” and I don’t believe that’s the perception you want women to have.

Overall, I think you’re well on your way to a great profile! So the next step is to see if you are making the right moves to let women know you’re interested (views, Favorites list, sending Flirts, etc.), and of course after exchanging a few of these then sending an email. What are you writing and how is it coming across? If you would like me to review emails, then please feel free to send in some samples!

Did you know that How to Woo a Jew‘s longest chapter is all about creating your JDate profile? Grab a copy and see how you can revamp your online dating profile!

Dear Tamar: How Do I Get the Momentum Going Again?

by Tamar Caspi under JDate,Online Dating,Relationships

Dear Tamar,

I met an awesome girl on JDate about two weeks ago. After exchanging emails we finally started talking on the phone… and could barely stop! We would speak for hours on end, but we don’t have plans to meet for a few more weeks because we both have crazy schedules right now. A few days ago we both mentioned taking down our JDate profiles. Well, since that conversation things have gotten somewhat awkward. The conversations haven’t flowed as easily and they have been drastically shorter. I feel like we set ourselves up for failure by getting serious too quickly, but the connection is real and I know she feels it too. What do I do?


Dear Momentum Shift,

Easy — make it a priority to meet RIGHT NOW. Move things around on your schedule ASAP so that you can meet and see how things are in person. There’s a reason I strongly encourage people to meet as soon as possible after matching up on JDate and that’s because connections via technology can only go so far. You can get the momentum back by meeting and making it a priority to keep meeting. Neither of you are too busy for an hour lunch date, or a thirty-minute long coffee date, or a quick dinner even… get together when you can until your schedules open up, just get together. You may find that after one date that the conversation originally fizzled out for a reason, or you may not want that quick trip to the gelato shop to end. Bottom line — if you had time for a four-hour conversation, then you have time to meet up!

Find more advice from How to Woo a Jew on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter!

Learning from The Bachelor “Disaster”

by Tamar Caspi under Online Dating,Single Life

If you have ever watched any of the The Bachelor franchise’s shows then odds are you’ve seen or heard of a participant (contestant?) named Chris Bukowski who has been on a record-setting FIVE different seasons. Finally, he has learned his lesson and is exiting Bachelor Nation, but his journey reminds me of those singles who are TOO visible in the dating world.

Who am I talking about? You know them. It’s the singles who have been on JDate for years and years without a break and without even updating their profile or photos, and are also on other dating sites and apps, and go to every mixer in the community, and ask out or accept dates without any consideration, and are simply just too available that it comes off as desperate — learn from Chris B. and step away!

What should you do if you think this applies to you? Skip some events — don’t worry, your Beshert isn’t going to magically appear at that one event you miss! — hide your online dating profiles, and forget about dating for a while as you concentrate on other things in your life. There’s that obnoxious saying: when you’re not thinking about it (dating) as much, chances are that is when it will finally happen (meeting someone of substance) — but it’s true. Try it. What do you have to lose?

For more dating tips, buy How to Woo a Jew and follow me on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter.

Dear Tamar: Playing the Viewing Game

by Tamar Caspi under JDate,Online Dating,Single Life

Dear Tamar,

I’ve been attempting to get in contact with this girl whom I’d like to get to know. But I’m not getting anywhere.

She originally viewed my profile and after looking at hers I decided to send her a message. I didn’t get a response but she did look at my profile again, good news I guess. I then waited a few days to see if she would reply to my message and still nothing.

I then sent a follow up message and again no response but she viewed my profile again. I’m not 100% sure what this means but I think that she’s interested but somewhat unsure about responding.

Do you have any advice? She seems like someone who I can develop a relationship with.


Dear Viewing Game,

First, look to see if your email to her was “read” or not. If it was read by her and she hasn’t yet responded but she’s still viewing your profile then perhaps write her again and jokingly let her know that you know she’s unsure about whether to respond and that you’ll make it worth her effort, or that she won’t be disappointed, or something else fun and light-hearted.

If your message isn’t showing as “read” then unfortunately it sounds like she may not have a paid JDate account. Obviously being able to contact prospective JDaters is the biggest reason to get a paid account and sometimes people wait until they have someone who’ve they’ve played this viewing game with before finally joining. Try sending her a flirt since she can see that without being a subscriber. She won’t be able to respond but it might be the catalyst to finally getting her to subscribe.

The final option is to try and catch her online so that you can instant message her. Again, you have to be a subscriber to begin the IM session but she doesn’t have to be a subscriber to answer. Now, go get her!

Need more tips on Jewish dating? How to Woo a Jew has your answers! Buy the book and follow on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook!

Tell Me What You Really (Don’t) Want

by Tamar Caspi under Online Dating,Relationships,Single Life

JDate has a lot of multiple choice, fill in the blank, and essay questions asking you what you want, but what about what you DON’T want? I’m sure we can all make a list a mile long of things we would prefer a partner not to have, but try to whittle that list down to just a couple of things.

These are not your preferences, but rather the “I know for a fact that I can’t live with someone who…” (smokes, is not pro-choice, owns a gun, doesn’t read books, dresses up to reenact the Civil War, doesn’t want kids, whatever it is). It’s okay to be upfront and straightforward about specific traits that you have an aversion to. That said, you need to be open in other areas if you’re going to state one or two things that is an absolute dealbreaker.

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