Archive for the ‘Date Night’ Category

For those reading this who do not live in Texas (or Memphis where they have a Kosher BBQ cook-off) the Kosher Chili Cook-Off is a big deal in Dallas, Austin and Houston. Around 50 teams in Dallas and 20 in Austin prepare diligently, starting at 8am. They cook for hours, and won’t stop till the final vote is cast at 3pm to make sure they make the best chili and procure the most amount of votes. One kosher ingredient can make all the difference.

Every team starts with the same amount of meat, around 18-22 pounds of it, unless, of course, you happen to be on a vegetarian team. What ingredients you use next is up to you, just as long as it stays kosher. Many people spend days searching for the perfect recipe and then working out the math to make sure the amount of other ingredients correlates to the amount of meat provided. There are certain rules of chili cook-offs to abide by, like don’t cook all the meat at once, and don’t put all the jalapenos in at once, so children and the elderly don’t burn their mouths eating it. You win with a combination of great chili and a personality that endears you to the general public.

Dating is the same way. Regardless of what you think, everyone starts on the same plane, with the same amount of meat (relatively). It’s the ingredients, and your presentation, that make all the difference. Everyone buys vegetables, and chili powder, and some cumin, but what else? What sets you apart? For the chili example, our team used Dr. Brown’s Cream Soda and pineapple, giving it a tangy taste, combined with the loads of spice we put on there. Additionally, we managed to be a highly personable team, conversing with literally everyone that came by our tent and screaming wildly after someone put their vote in our bowl.

What makes you different when it comes to the dating scene? Sure you may workout five times a week, graduated magna cum laude from some school that starts with H and ends with “arvard,” and spent your childhood playing polo on the weekends with Bill Clinton, but what else? You certainly have some solid ingredients, but which one stands out when you play the dating game? When people think of you, is the aftertaste in their mouth, “Oh, he’s just a polo player from Harvard” or “He’s an engaging guy with an interesting background that not only includes that weird game called polo, but he also has tried every item on the McDonald’s dollar menu.”

Dating and the chili cook-off. You have the ingredients, so how do you combine them to achieve the best possible result?

I am writing this blog post at my girlfriend’s home. I consider that in itself a success. I’m an expert at almost nothing, but — if there’s something I not only do not qualify to give advice on, but believe that my advice may actually cause bodily harm — it’s dating.

Dating sucks. That’s why typical dating spots usually offer an abundance of alcohol. Without alcohol I would be so much of a worse/better dater.

The first enjoyable date I have ever attended was the first one with my current girlfriend. Yes, I had a beer, and yes, fajitas were involved, but there was so much more. Sour cream… Guacamole….

It was the first time I was out with a person when I was simultaneously not nervous at all — and yet completely terrified. I could completely be myself, yet still had to calculate my every move because I wanted another opportunity to be myself again. On the drive home, though I had just experienced something great, I knew, because of a lifetime of being in this situation before, that this would have been our only experience together.

She texted me five minutes after I left.

Today, I’m still in disbelief. For example, after spending a weekend with her, there’s still a part of me that believes she won’t want to see me again. Every new text from her is just like the first one.

I suppose 15 children and 65 years may improve my confidence.

There used to be a time when we were all not so scared of using the telephone.

Do you remember the days when you used to have your best friend’s phone number memorized? Or how you’d beam with excitement and your tummy would swarm with nervous butterflies when your mom would shout from the downstairs corridor, “Jennifer, there’s someone on the telephone for you.”

Today, I have friends that don’t even know their significant other’s phone number by heart. While they do know their Twitter handle or their Instagram name, that won’t help them one bit if they were to be stranded somewhere, face-to-face with a payphone. They’d only be able to communicate by typing a message in 140 characters, or less.

With the cold weather making us want to hide underneath a blanket (note: if you live in Florida, or somewhere else tropical, that blanket has holes and those holes are nicely filled in with sunshine—so enjoy!), it’s often difficult to muster up the amount of clothing and energy required to leave the heat that radiates from between our couch cushions to attend a first date. And if we do make that first move, we often spend the first couple of “getting to know you” minutes defrosting, or like me on my most recent first date, dealing with an unattractive case of a nonstop running nose.

How about breaking the ice (until summer time can do that for us) with a preliminary get-to-know-you phone call-date before meeting in person?

Do: Phone your new friend during appropriate hours. No one appreciates an energetic “HELLO, I’m Jen!” as their early morning wake-up call at the dreadful hour of 8am, or as a late night booty call at the lazy-eyed hour of 11pm. If you’re going to make the move of dancing your fingers on the keypad, do it at a respectable hour.

Don’t: Stray away from rehearsed “about me” speeches, or a set of designated job-like interview questions. On the phone, you should give off an inherently relaxed tone, as if you were having a conversation with someone in person. Carry a casual and flowing conversation, taking a deep breath during natural pauses and creating an infrastructure that will be easy to build on top of once you meet up in person.

Read more of Jen Glantz here: www.thethingsilearnedfrom.com

On Sunday, over 150 Americans (and others) will be gathered around their TV to watch football’s biggest game. Some will be watching because they are actual fans of the Ravens or the 49ers, some because of the commercials, some because they enjoy gambling, and others because they were invited to a game-day potluck and are trying to follow along with what the rest of their friends are doing.

For some, NFL Sunday represents an excuse for binge drinking, or a continuation of college football Saturday drinking. For those who just tune in because they were invited to that potluck mentioned above, it offers an opportunity to meet people (sports fan and non-sports fan), see them in various states, and ultimately determine if you want to ask them out.

Did I come to a conclusion too quickly? Possibly, but think about it: You got tired of the biochemist whose hobbies included bikram yoga and the History Channel? Well, now you can observe the friend of your co-worker, who is a die-hard football fan (yet has no allegiance to either team) and has season tickets to his local NBA team. You can ask him about his passions (or her), and see how he responds to various questions, how he acts to others who may not share his interests, and his choice of potluck food. Chances are if he brought pho and white wine to a football party, he’s probably never been to a tailgate or game watch before.

Knowing that, maybe there is a guy you like at the party. As the hours go on, you still like him. You like how he explains football rules to your friend who knows as much about sports as I do about 18^th Century English literature (which is none), and how he uses “please” and “thank you” in his requests for his fourth, fifth, and sixth whiskey cokes. Even when he slurs his words a little bit and asks to take you to that new bistro on the corner of Starbucks and McDonalds, you give him your number.

Pregame coverage of the big game starts at around 11:00 am (depending on the channel you are watching) and the game ends around 9:30-10:00ish (for us on Central Time). That’s almost 10 solid hours of getting to know someone, or some people. Who knew you could get a date out of an alcohol-fueled party for football’s biggest game?

On Sunday, two of my best friends in the entire world got engaged. It didn’t catch anybody by surprise, since they had been dating for going on four years, so it was a matter of when, not if, and it pretty much made my week. However, many of their friends happen to be far from establishing serious relationships with a significant other.

Last week, my friend went to a baby shower. She remarked to me that out of everyone, she was the only one not in a relationship, and she was a couple of years older than I am. She’s been in many more relationships than me, and wondered aloud if she would ever find someone.

As we get into our mid-to-late 20s, and early 30s, many people think the same way as my friend (and sometimes myself too): they wonder if they will ever find someone to compliment them in life. It’s not the best way to think, especially as I alluded to in an earlier post, people are getting married later and later.

What many people don’t understand as they get caught up in the dating rush is that we all have different timelines, and different personalities that may make it harder for us to match up with people. Sometimes, you find your life partner at 18, and other times you have to wait until you’re 35. It’s unfortunate if you have to wait that long, but maybe it’s for the best.

So for those of you who don’t know, I happen to be a monthly reader of Cosmo. Call me not masculine, weird, odd, or any non-alpha male adjective, but I’m not ashamed. I find the journalistic integrity to be top of the line.

Anyway, there was an article in one of the issues regarding aphrodisiacs, with sushi and chocolate being mentioned often, with the accompanying headline “how to set the mood for a night of love” or something similar. I did a bit more research as well, and according to the site eatsomethingsexy.com, sushi, when combined with ginger and wasabi “warms your body” and is able to bring an “attractive flush to the cheeks”, and if taken in potent enough doses “can even cause your body to release endorphins”. I was totally tingling inside as I read that.

Then I did a little bit more research. An aphrodisiac is a substance believed to arouse sexual desire. So you don’t like Mr. Chow’s Sushi Place, but want that same endorphin rush and get that vibe back in the bedroom? Exercise helps. Go on a competitive four mile run with your partner, or potential partner. Maybe even play a game of one-on-one basketball.

Smiling increases the production of endorphins as well, and is a natural aphrodisiac. What causes people to laugh and smile? A Chapelle’s Show skit? Analyzing the latest Cosmo feature? Going on JDate and checking out the spelling mistakes made by everyone?

The point of this is simple: you don’t always have to go on nice, fancy dinners to set the mood in your love life, and if that’s the only way your partners, or potential partners seem to get any arousal, well, you’re going to have one boring relationship. Whenever I’m having a down day, I tend to go on YouTube and look up “Dallas Mavericks 2011 NBA Finals Game 6”. That might not work for some of you, but for me, it keeps a smile on my face and my mood right.

Rejection. It happens to the best of us, from the greatest basketball player in the world, to your average cubicle-dwelling twenty-something. Whether you’re cut from your varsity basketball team (Michael Jordan) or told “it’s not going to work out between us,” rejection hurts a little bit. The key is how you respond.

Everyone’s been there in the dating world. There’s a guy or girl you’re into, and you ask them to hang out. Things are going well, and then you get the “I think you’re a great person, but I don’t think things are going to work out between us” text. Depending on who you are, and how far you are into the relationship or whatever you call it, you’ll probably feel a mixed range of emotions.

The worst thing you can do is call them and scream at them. The second worst thing you can do is send a response back saying “Whyyyy?” This person already made their decision, now live with it. There may have been something wrong with you, or maybe it was them, so do a bit of self-reflection. Did I project myself as being the best possible person? Could I have been a bit more careful with what I said during the first time I met her friends? Did I reveal all of my cards to quickly?

When responding, either respond with an “Ok” and “understand” or don’t respond at all. A simple text that will go a long way. Who knows? Maybe this person will change his or her mind.

Dating is like playing a sport, or a musical instrument, in that it involves constant self-improvement, and learning how to deal with different situations. Rejection may hurt, but it’s not the end of the world. How you respond to it, and how you use the rejection to improve on your next relationship goes a long way to how successful you will ultimately be with your love life.

Growing up, I used to love watching trashy daytime talk shows. I missed most of 9th grade pretending to be sick so that I could watch as much Jerry Springer as possible. I couldn’t put my finger on why I liked it so much, other than how unbelievably awesome it was. Then I realized, it wasn’t the fighting, or the outrageous storylines, or even Jerry’s Final Thought.  I loved seeing people worse off than me. No matter how bad a day I was having, or how bad I thought my life was going, at least I wasn’t a middle-aged overweight man convinced that I was a dog for the entertainment of a masochistic, older, sex-crazed woman.

It may sound bad, but it’s somewhat therapeutic knowing that there are those worse off than you. I think the word for this is ‘schadenfreude’. There’s a limit, however. I don’t enjoy watching people suffer or die, and I do not like when anyone I love or care about is in pain. Aside from that, pretty much anything goes. I like it when I’m driving down the highway and I see that a police car has just pulled over another car for speeding. I like it when I see another couple yelling at each other. I like it when I get the last cookie at the deli in my office. We all need some motivation and self-assurance in the fact that we are not the most miserable people on earth.

After many failed dates and rejections, I needed a confidence booster in that same vein. I thought about showing interest in women that I wasn’t interested at all, just so I could receive some sort of acceptance from someone. However, I figured that this was too cruel, especially knowing how painful rejection can be. Instead, I gained a little bit of confidence knowing that even though the women I sort of had interest in didn’t reciprocate the feeling, a few that I didn’t have interest in at least seemed to enjoy my company. And then I hit the jackpot. I won $10 from a scratch-off lottery ticket. And then I redeemed my jackpot. And then I bought a sandwich. And then I hit the metaphorical jackpot and met the woman I will spend the rest of my life with.

There’s no real lesson here, and most of my ‘lessons’ are impractical and may even get you killed.

Because of my newfound fame writing dating columns for JDate during these past 3 months, every so often I’ll get email inquiries from men and women alike, looking to solve their dating dilemmas. This one comes from Mack B. of Austin, Texas.

(NOTE: THIS POST IS HEAVY ON AMBIGUOUS SPORTS METAPHORS)

Dear Dating Prognosticater,

I have a problem. I’ve been in the Austin-Round Rock metropolitan area since 1998, and have enjoyed my time here, both professionally and personally. I have a couple of problems though- I feel like I’ve dated just about every Jew in the area.

I had a four year relationship with a religious girl, before she moved to Cleveland, and was in a really high-profile relationship with a girl who brought me a lot of fame seven years ago, and just moved back to be a model at a steakhouse downtown, and I’ve dated a bunch of girls in between.

I feel like I’m damaged goods, and destined for a life of singledom. Especially since there was this one girl who really liked me, but I didn’t like her back, so she moved to Waco, and now is a famous personality in Washington D.C. I cry inside every day about that.

What should I do?

Mack B.

Mack B.,

Have no fear. I have one solution for you: Look elsewhere. Have you been doing the same activities in Austin for the last fifteen years? Have you seen your friend group change? Have you dated the same types of girls (I guess not, since you dated a religious girl and a steakhouse model)? Answer that first.

Find a new hobby. Do you go to happy hour every single Monday-Friday? It might be time to take one of those drinking days off, and go to yoga. Maybe a pottery class is in your future? Join a co-ed book club? You still want to drink heavily on one day? Well, there’s always kickball.

Having a routine is great. The great thing about dating, however, is it relies on spontaneity- you don’t find your date through search engine optimization, but through chance encounters in person and online. You’ve been dating the same girl over and over again? Might be time to look at yourself and change some of your personal characteristics. That way you won’t miss out on the girl who might be “The One”.

“Having a thousand different ladies is pretty cool, I’ve learned in my life. I’ve (also) found out that having one woman a thousand different times is more satisfying.” – Wilt Chamberlain

For those of you who are not sports fans, Wilt Chamberlain was a Hall of Fame basketball player famous for scoring 100 points in a game on March 2, 1962. He was also famous for his claim that he had sex with over 20,000 women over the course of his adult life.

While none of you are seven foot Hall of Fame centers who star in movies as Conan the Barbarian, have a giant penthouse in Honolulu, or will sleep with what amounted to 1.37 women per day, many of you have engaged in trysts similar to Chamberlain… usually called “casual sex” or “hooking up” or other variations on “sex without emotional attachment”.

Casual sex could come in many forms- from one night stands, to that two date lawyer who became the 2 A.M. make-out, to that friend who goes from your bi-weekly coffee date to a “hey, I’ve got some wine and sushi, wanna come over” text at 7 P.M. on a Wednesday night. It is a millennial dream in some respects: a simple text, a night of intimacy, friendship intact, with no title whatsoever. Convenience.

For some in our generation who are excellent multi-taskers, casual sex can translate into dalliances with multiple men/women, so long as they share the same goals as you. As the marriage age gets older, and society becomes more free in terms of dating and sexual constraints, more and more people, especially young adults, see this option as a feasible alternative until they do decide to marry.

With this in mind, does casual sex tend to change the way you date? Do you learn more about someone through casual sex, than you would by just going on a series of dates? As a 20 or 30- something would you prefer to find the person you want to spend your life with now, or would you rather swear by the adage of “taking multiple cars on a test drive, before buying one?”