Archive for the ‘Date Night’ Category

Writing the Right Words

by Tamar Caspi under Date Night,JDate,Online Dating,Single Life

The “About Me” paragraph in your JDate profile is crucial. You could have the best photos, but if you write the wrong thing, you’re going to attract the wrong prospects. Sure, you’ll likely still get lots of attention, but it may be for the wrong (ie. superficial) reasons.

Writing the right words is not easy. First and foremost you want to sound like an educated, coherent, charming, trustworthy person. That doesn’t mean you say that you “are educated, coherent, charming, and trustworthy.” The key word in that sentence was to “sound” like all those things, not just say that you are them. That also doesn’t mean that you write multiple paragraphs explaining why you are all of these things in detail either. Rather, make sure that you proofread, be consistent throughout your profile, don’t be too serious or too flippant about the process, and allow your personality to shine through.

Secondly, you don’t want to spend all the space talking about what you have to offer or what you are looking for. Talk about who you are and what’s important to you in life and you will attract the right type of people. Don’t get into your relationship history except to briefly state if you are divorced, widowed, and/or a single parent.

Don’t forget: your online dating profile is already providing a lot of typical first-date conversation information, so don’t over-share any more than you have to and keep some interesting tidbits about yourself for the date itself!


Live, Laugh, Love

by Tamar Caspi under Date Night,Relationships

Having a sense of humor in a relationship is important. You have to be willing to laugh at yourself and to laugh at your significant other’s jokes (even if, and especially when, they’re not funny). The first time you let a fart fly in front of your S.O. is a time when you need to laugh at yourself. And when your S.O. teases you about that fart the next day, you need to laugh again. If your S.O. is one of those people that has the running joke “what do you want to eat?” and answers “food” every time, then laugh every time.

What’s the worst that can happen? Your S.O. will feel good that they made you laugh, and you will get an increase in endorphins because you laughed, which will then make you happy. It’s a win-win.


Managing Online Dating Expectations

by Rabbi Josh Yuter under Date Night,JDate,Online Dating,Single Life

I’d like to take a moment to talk about managing expectations. I don’t mean so much in terms of “dating” in the sense of finding a desirable — if not optimal — person with whom to share your life, but of dating sites in general. To get this out of the way right up front, yes, I’m fully aware I’m writing this for the largest Jewish dating site in the world.

I’m going to assume that if you’re on a dating site, and especially if you’re paying for one, you’re looking for “something.” You might be looking for a serious dating relationship or even have a laser-focus on getting married. Others might be interested in just meeting people with minimal strings or expectations, perhaps just wanting a fun night out with a potentially interesting person. The wide range of possibilities makes it difficult to define the “success” of a dating site, at least for any particular person. I would also guess that those who have higher expectations, such as those focusing on marriage or serious relationships, will also have a greater likelyhood of being disappointed or having a sense that a given website just isn’t “working” for you.

CRTV-1271-thumb-RJYPart of the problem is in assuming what a dating site can actually do for you. A dating site cannot get you a relationship, let alone get you married (not the legal ones, anyway). It cannot even guarantee any of your messages will get responses. The absolute best any dating site can do is get you a first date or meeting. Even if you get to that point, if for whatever reasons one of you isn’t interested, it’s not going to go anywhere. That’s not a flaw in the dating site, that’s life.

Dating sites are tools to meet people you otherwise would not. And like any tool, some will be more effective depending on the problem at hand, if at all. At the same time, this means that the effectiveness can also change over time with a particular individual or the dating pool.

What’s important to remember is that like any consumer, you have the power to patronize a service at your leisure, to move on when things don’t work well or to come back when you have a change of heart.


Sending the Right Signals

by Tamar Caspi under Date Night,JDate,Judaism,Single Life

This month (it’s December already!!!???) you will likely attend lots of holiday parties in addition to your local shindig on Christmas Eve where all the Jews go to celebrate nothing else being open (the Place2Be, the MatzoBall, the Mitzvah Ball, the Vodka Latke, etc). If you are single heading into the New Year then attending one of these events is a MUST.

But you also MUST send the right signals while you’re there.

  • Dress classy, not costume-y. You want to be taken seriously as a dating prospect, not just a fun one-nighter. So, dress sexy, but not trashy.
  • Make eye contact and smile. The best way to let someone know you’re interested is to catch their eye and hold it for a few seconds while you smile.
  • Stand tall and relaxed. Slumped posture with arms crossed over your chest gives off a closed vibe.
  • Laugh. Have fun and enjoy yourself. People want to be around other positive people.
  • Be forward, but polite. If you are talking to someone that you are not interested in, then warmly inform them that you want to find your friends and that you hope they have a nice evening. You don’t need to waste your time with people you don’t like, but having good manners is important. Your prospect could be close enough to overhear you excusing yourself.
  • Do a stink check. Nothing will turn someone off faster than body odor or bad breath.

Hide and Seek

by Tamar Caspi under Date Night,Relationships

If you have to snoop through your significant other’s things then you shouldn’t be with that person. It’s as simple as that. If you can’t trust them, then why are you with them?

My friend Gina called me in a tizzy because she found a bar receipt for nearly $100 in her boyfriend’s jeans when he said he was working late. Of course, he shouldn’t have lied to her about where he was, but she also shouldn’t be going through his pockets. He very well could have gone out for drinks with his coworkers after they finished their project to celebrate the completion, but that’s not the point. Her snooping was clearly founded because she doesn’t trust him and he obviously gave her reason not to. They both need to save each other the grief that will occur when she confronts him because then she will end up looking like the bad guy — the untrusting snoop — not him — the untrustworthy liar.

A relationship without trust will not succeed.


Drunk Dating

by Tamar Caspi under Date Night,Single Life

I’ve written a number of posts about not drinking on a date, knowing your limit, and keeping your judgment intact… but what do you do when your date gets totally wasted? My friend Carrie recently told me about a date where the guy arrived buzzed and quickly downed a few drinks, mixing liquors, and became quite inebriated. She knew she was done with him, and he was becoming more and more rambunctious and disrespectful, but she also felt an obligation to make sure he got home safely so she put him in a cab and hoped he was coherent enough to give his address. This was not her responsibility, but I did appreciate her sincere concern. If this happens to you, get the bartender involved. You don’t need to put yourself in harm’s way. It doesn’t matter why your date chose tonight to get drunk — if they lost their job or found out a loved one died or something else just as awful — then they should have cancelled the date. You don’t have to sit by and see how the night is going to end nor do you have to give them another chance. It’s clearly not meant to be so alert the bartender and go on your merry way.


Date Night No-No

by Tamar Caspi under Date Night,Judaism,Relationships,Single Life

Last night I attended an event for young adults in my local Jewish community. There was a guy there that I referenced as a serial dater in my book, How to Woo a Jew: The Modern Jewish Guide to Dating and Mating. And guess what? He was there with a new girl he is dating. Shocker. He came over to say hi and I asked if she was his girlfriend and he told me they had only recently begun dating and had met at a Halloween party.

I spotted another guy across the room and pointed him out to a single girlfriend of mine. She rolled her eyes. I raised my eyebrows. Apparently they had already gone out and she had brought him to one of these functions only to have it be a major fail. She knew a lot of people and had helped organize the event, and he didn’t like having to share her attention.

So here’s my date night no-no: don’t bring a date to an event early on in your relationship. Too many people you know will be there inquiring, pulling your attention away from your date who is the one who should matter the most at that time. Early dating is not the time to try to impress, or prove to your date how popular you are. You are still in the getting to know you stage, so go somewhere you can get to know each other without any distractions!


Are You Accepting Every Date?

by Tamar Caspi under Date Night,JDate,Relationships,Single Life

Michelle was in her mid-20’s and was tired of being pestered by her Mom, Janice, to find a nice, Jewish husband. So much so, in fact, that she told her mother that she was absolutely forbidden from setting her up on dates. Michelle needed boundaries with her Jewish mother (don’t we all?) and she was adamant about finding her Beshert on her own. So, when Janice was approached by her good friend Karin who wanted to set up her nephew with Michelle, Janice politely refused because she wanted to respect Michelle’s wishes. But those same boundaries didn’t automatically apply to Karin and so she called Michelle directly. Of course, Michelle called to yell at her mom, but Janice was just as surprised as Michelle was that Karin took it upon herself to call! Michelle went ahead and met Karin’s nephew… and 30 years later they’ve been married 28 years with 3 kids and 1 grandchild.

Michelle didn’t want her Mom to set her up, but at least she was still willing to allow someone else to play matchmaker! Are you accepting every date you’re asked out on?


When No News Isn’t Good News

by Tamar Caspi under Date Night,Online Dating,Relationships

There are a few times that no news is not good news when dating or in a relationship:

  1. After your first date: if you haven’t heard from a date within two days, then chances are you never will. And, if you hear after a week or two, then chances are your date isn’t really interested, but is bored and lonely. Don’t fall into this trap and think this date suddenly changed their mind about how great you are a few weeks later, they are simply looking for a hook-up.
  2. After dating for a couple months: if you suddenly don’t hear from someone you’ve been dating regularly, then chances are they are too chicken to break things off with you and are playing the disappearing act instead. You can move on or send a voicemail/text to let them know that you are sad they couldn’t just tell you it’s off, but that you wish them luck in the future. Be the better person and don’t throw barbs about how immature they are acting.
  3. After going through a tough time while being in a monogamous relationship: if your significant other doesn’t ask follow-up questions when you make a statement about having a stressful day at work, or getting into a fight with a loved one, or not feeling well, then chances are your S.O. is likely checking out of the relationship. If your S.O. isn’t interested in what’s going on in your life… then it’s time to have a talk.

Regardless of your situation, when you aren’t getting the response or communication you need, then speak up… you have nothing to lose!


De-Clutter… Everything!

by Tamar Caspi under Date Night,Online Dating,Relationships,Single Life

Once, while going to the bathroom at a date’s house, I watched a slug inch its way out of the shower drain. I was totally grossed out and was about to turn on the shower to wash it down the drain, but only then realized there was just a square left on the toilet paper roll. Luckily, I had tissues in my purse (which I had brought in with me to freshen up my makeup). When I went to dry my hands though, I couldn’t find a hand towel. And when I went to turn on the water to drown this slimy thing, there was no showerhead! The water just burst straight out of the pipe from the wall! I decided to forget about the slug and returned to kitchen where I found an empty fridge, except for some random cans of beer and a dingy-looking box of baking soda.

Repulsed, I decided to concentrate on what I considered to be the cleaner, nicer areas of the house. Except I had overlooked the spider webs in the ceiling corners, the threadbare carpet, and the foot-high pile of mail… because I liked the guy. But now? Now I had an entirely new perspective on both his home as well as him. If he couldn’t keep his home clean, in even the most hygienic of ways at minimum, then what else in his life was lacking?

A recent study continues to make the rounds on social media connecting creative people with being messy. As if people needed another excuse to be untidy! But when you’re dating, you need to de-clutter… and that goes for your house and your life.

First things first, if you’re going to bring a prospect home then you need to clean up. You can do it in an hour or less and with a pack of disinfectant wipes. Make your home presentable because a date will judge you by the state of your home. Your furniture doesn’t have to be expensive, but it does have to be clean and neat, even it means throwing things in drawers and closets for the day.

Next, make it a priority to de-clutter your life. Your personal Facebook page doesn’t need more than 1000 “friends” and neither do you. Get rid of those people who cause drama in your life and while you’re at it, unfriend the people who you don’t really know.

Another study I like better shows how simplifying your life will help you make important decisions.

That guy who’s house was totally gross? He’s still single six years later. And no, he’s not a creative type. And yes, his closet was packed to the brim with clothes!