Archive for the ‘JDate’ Category

Ode to the Fall Date

by Caryn Alper under Date Night,JDate,News,Online Dating,Single Life

Here in the Midwest, the temperature finally dropped this week, and it’s clear fall has arrived.  I knew this because it was cool outside, yes, but another telltale sign was the state of the outerwear section of a department store I was in last week – it seriously looked like the bread aisle in a grocery store right before a predicted snowstorm! With the fall air comes renewed date ideas — picnics in the park and baseball games are replaced by fall festivals and things involving pumpkins. In honor of the season, here’s a somewhat poetic ode to autumn.

Apple picking and all the rest

Fall DatingLeggings, boots, a puffy vest.

Pumpkin this, pumpkin that,

Spiced lattes in a vat.

Candy apples at simchas torah,

Only two months til we light the menorah.

Take your gal on a hay ride

She doesn’t like it? At least you tried.

Hanging around a hot bonfire

Sit too close and you’ll perspire.

New fling at the end of its days?

Try to lose him in a corn maze.

Log on before it’s too late –

Search profiles and make a fall date!


Dear Tamar: When Is Perfect Too Good To Be True?

by Tamar Caspi under JDate,Online Dating,Relationships

Dear Tamar,

I started dating a guy from JDate about a month ago and things have been perfect, but I’m scared they’re actually too good to be true. We get along great, we have so much in common, we never argue, there’s chemistry, we call and text without any hesitation or doubt, my parents already met him and love him, and we naturally referred to ourselves as being in a relationship without having “The Talk.” But now I’m scared it’s all going to explode in my face. I’ve never been in a relationship that went so smoothly… but maybe this is how it’s supposed to be? Am I sabotaging it?



Dear Marisa,

It is very possible that you’re sabotaging a truly great relationship, but I also understand why you’re being cautious. We are so used to dating being difficult that when it’s not we are stunned.

That said, one red flag of the things that you mentioned is the fact that you never argue. It’s not that you should argue — compromising is really important — but you need to see how you both react when one or both of you gets angry… because you will argue eventually. Don’t pick a fight on purpose, the longer you are together the chances are it will happen on its own and you can see how things go down.

Speaking of the amount of time you’re together… it’s still pretty early on in the relationship. You both are still on your best behavior and have the new relationship glow creating a bubble around you where everything is fun and loving. Until that bubble pops and reality sets in, then you won’t really know if it’s too good to be true or not. I suggest enjoying the bubble while it lasts, but know that it won’t last forever. In the meantime try to set a really good foundation while things are good. And good luck!

Follow Tamar on Instagram @howtowooajew

Dear Tamar: How Long is Too Long to Wait for a Reply?

by Tamar Caspi under Date Night,JDate,Online Dating,Single Life

Dear Tamar,

I went on two pretty good dates with a guy from JDate last week, and sent him a text wishing him a Happy Sukkot and a good week on Monday. Now it’s Tuesday and I haven’t heard back.

What do I do?



Dear Waiting,

Well… I have two responses you probably don’t want to hear.

The first, is that you shouldn’t have texted to begin with, even though you had really sweet intent. But, we can’t go back and undo the past. It’s too early to be communicating via text since you don’t know each other well enough. Stick to short phone calls that are primarily for making plans. Only after at least half a dozen dates consistently for a few weeks should you begin texting. Exceptions are to let your date know you arrived home safely and thanking them again for a nice evening.

The second, is that if he hasn’t texted you back by now, then chances are you may not ever hear from him again. Is it anything you did? No. Was it the text? No. This guy just wasn’t as into you as you were into him. It sucks. There is a chance that he saw it, couldn’t reply at that exact moment, and then forgot. But, the hope is that a guy who likes you will have thought about you at some point since then and recalled that you sent him a text. Waiting a full day if not longer to reply is not playing hard to get; it’s just being a jerk. Move on.

Now, is there a chance that he could call this week and ask you out again? Sure. It is a bit egocentric of us to believe that people’s lives should revolve around replying to texts with someone we’ve met twice, but then again if you like someone then you would reply in an acceptable amount of time. If you’re playing hard to get then maybe you wait an hour… but a day? No. We are on some sort of electronic device far too often to have any other excuse aside from the person simply not being a priority.

Alas, it’s been two dates and one day since the text so all is not lost. If you choose to accept the date, then don’t even mention the text — the last thing a new dater wants is someone who overreacts to such things.

Follow Tamar on Instagram for more dating tips @howtowooajew

Dating Insights From Sukkot

by Caryn Alper under JDate,Judaism,News,Online Dating,Single Life

People are on JDate for a variety of reasons. Some people are on every dating site and app available; and it’s just one of many used to increase the number of people they meet. Others are on JDate because their mom threatened a nervous breakdown if they didn’t sign up. Others might like to find a nice Jewish person to date, but religion isn’t am absolute deal breaker. And still for others, their dating philosophy might be Jewish or bust. Whatever brought you here, we all have something important in common: we’re all Jews!

I know, I know, duh. This is JDate, not ChristianMingle or FarmersOnly. But, the holiday of Sukkot offers some interesting insights on why this is important. This week is Sukkot, a joyous Jewish holiday that celebrates our trust in G-d. We eat, socialize, and even sleep in a sukkah, which helps us remember how He protected the Israelites for 40 years as they wandered in the desert. One way we observe the holiday is by waving the lulav and etrog in all directions. In the grand tradition of Judaism, there is no shortage of commentary and discussion on the details of this mitzvah. But, I wanted to share one in particular that struck me as relevant to why we are all here on JDate.

The four species of plants (the etrog, the lulav’s date palm, myrtle, and willow branches) that we shake together are distinct and have their own meaning and symbolism, suggested by their fragrance and/or taste. (Why is it always four? Four sons, four questions, four cups of wine, etc.) One common interpretation for the four species is that each one represents a different kind of Jew, based on their levels of Torah observance and wisdom. I won’t go into the details of which is which, and all the specifics of the observance levels. But, the lesson here is that on Sukkot, we bind together the lulav and etrog and shake them all around us, symbolically binding together all types of Jews. The different kind and types are secondary — each Jew is important and we need all four types of species to fulfill the mitzvah of Sukkot.

So, you might be here because Grandma Esther threatened to sit shiva if you marry out of the tribe. But Grandma might be right — Sukkot teaches us that it’s important to stick together, and that every single Jew is an important part of our nation and our purpose. So, next time you dismiss someone because he or she has a different level of kosher observance or Jewish knowledge or family tradition, think again. These are important compatibility factors, but also, we are all Jews and should strive to be inclusive and accepting of each other.

Dear Tamar: How Do I Ask for Romance?

by Tamar Caspi under Date Night,JDate,Online Dating,Relationships,Single Life

Dear Tamar,

I fear mentioning my love of romance in my JDate profile because it may turn guys off. I am a hopeless romantic and I’ve tried to tamper that part of me, but it doesn’t work… it’s a part of me. I love watching and reading classic romances, and romantic comedies, and although I’m not expecting Richard Gere to climb up my fire escape, I think men get scared that I’m too high maintenance. All I want is some consistent flattery (that goes both ways!), and for the like/love to be shown as well as said. Why is it too much to expect a man to remember special dates, to make reservations more than a day in advance, and to stop and buy flowers on days that aren’t my birthday or Valentine’s Day or our anniversary? And how do I communicate this need?

-Hopeless Romantic


Dear Hopeless Romantic,

I personally don’t think you’re asking too much to a certain extent. Let’s start with how to express your desire for it before getting to what you should realistically expect.

Grab a thesaurus (or use your favorite wordy website) and find synonyms for “romance” and “romantic” so that you aren’t overloading your profile with words that may be equated with lovey-dovey, sappy, syrupy, fairy-tale fantasies. Instead mention — no more than twice! — that you are a lover at heart, you’re looking for someone to dote on who enjoys being affectionate as well, you believe in love, and so on along those lines. In the section about your ideal relationship you can mention wanting to find someone where you can’t keep your hands off each other and want that to last longer than the “honeymoon phase.” You can also simply say you’re a hopeless romantic, but that you’re feet are firmly grounded in reality.

Speaking of reality — life is not a rom-com and even the best of intentions are difficult to continue consistently. A man who brings you flowers every week may be running late one night and skip the tradition even though he enjoys watching you receive them, and then another night just be too lazy to stop even though he doesn’t want to stop making you feel special, and another night… life happens. And that’s okay. You have expectations, but you also have to be realistic and forgiving. It’s good that you mention being romantic in return; don’t stop doing that because you didn’t get flowers one week. If it makes you feel good to give, then keep giving, even if you aren’t receiving in return, otherwise it defeats the purpose and reduces the intent.

And remember that people view romance differently. One man may think holding your hand is hugely romantic! And it may be for him, and that should be appreciated! Other men don’t know what you mean when you ask for romance, so be specific because none of us are mind-readers. If you are happy with a date, but would like some more romance, then speak up and ask for it… nicely. If you’re already being romantic on your end, then it shouldn’t be too difficult for him to match that.

One last note: make sure you aren’t expecting too much romance too quickly and that you aren’t giving of too much romance too quickly. The former is unrealistic and the latter is overwhelming.

Want more advice like this? Buy How to Woo a Jew: the Modern Jewish Guide to Dating and Mating, available now!

Dear Tamar: My Ex Reached Out to Me On JDate… What Now?!

by Tamar Caspi under JDate,Online Dating,Relationships,Single Life

Dear Tamar,

I just received an email from an ex-boyfriend on JDate and I’m freaking out! It’s been 10 years… but he Broke. My. Heart.

It’s one of the few relationships I’ve never forgotten. At the time, I had to delete every remnant of him from my life so that I wouldn’t find an excuse to make contact; that’s how bad it was. But now here he is, still looking good. My knees buckled when I saw his name and photo, let alone that he reached out to me, asking how I’m doing and how things are.

So what to do I do?


Dear “Ex Emailer,”

This happened to me, but on Facebook. My pulse began racing and I broke out in a cold sweat upon seeing his name, and even felt a bit giddy that he had been looking for me! I hemmed and hawed over adding him, and initially did so he could see via photos how happy and fabulous I was without him! But, then he sent me a message and I was not interested in opening that door again… so I unfriended him and forgot about him.

With this scenario playing out on JDate it’s a bit different… he didn’t seek you out, but rather came upon your profile because you fit his search preferences and live in the same area. Him writing you an email is flattering, and you can do the polite thing and write back a brief email that is warm but also not too inviting. You don’t owe him anything, and that includes too much of your time. Don’t supply too much information and don’t expect much, if anything, in return. Many people — women, mainly, let’s be honest — have these fantasies that the guy who broke our hearts will return as our knight in shining armor, admitting that his biggest mistake ever was letting us go. That may happen in some sappy movie, but it’s not real life, so don’t get your hopes up. You moved on back then… continue to not look back.

Get more How to Woo a Jew on Instagram!

Do You Even Like Him?

by Caryn Alper under JDate,Judaism,Online Dating,Single Life

This year as the book is sealed, only G-d knows who shall live and who shall die; who shall get married and who shall remain single; who shall get a text back, and who shall get stuck checking their phone every two minutes in anticipation of a post-date call.  In this time of prayer and reflection, remember to ask G-d for what you want in the year to come.  However, be careful what you ask for – it might come true!

Allow me to explain: sometimes after a date or after meeting someone who asks for my number, I get in the habit of checking my phone more than usual. We’ve all been there – the post-good-date obsessive cell phone checking phase.  You know, when you bring your phone to the bathroom in case it beeps during the three minutes when you’re in there, when you’re glancing at it during work meetings, when you even restart it just to make sure there aren’t any missed messages that were somehow stuck in cyberland.

It doesn’t even matter if you plan to casually wait a calculated 37 minutes to reply – it’s your text, and you want it now! And in some cases, it doesn’t even matter what the message says or implies, or even what it doesn’t say – this game is about control. You’re playing a romantic game of phone badminton and the birdie is now in your court. You can make someone sweat if he’s into you by waiting too long to reply, you can end everything right there by not responding at all, or you can play games and be crazy about it by intentionally varying your response times or sending selfies or whatever else the kids do these days. The point is that as long as someone has texted you and the ball’s in your court, you have the control.

Let me be clear (said in my best Obama impression voice): I don’t advocate deliberate game playing, nor do I think it necessarily yields a good outcome. But, I bring this up to illustrate my longwinded point: after all this phone obsession, it’s easy to forget to ask yourself: do you even LIKE this person??  Have you even considered whether you would like to see this person again? Or are you just obsessed with the idea of keeping this badminton game going? Seriously, texting can become addictive, and it’s pretty easy to have no feelings for someone, but still feel excited at the idea of him, because, heaven forbid you go through a boring day at work without having a boy to text back and forth.

If this describes you, seriously ask yourself if you’re really interested in the person at the other end of the phone, or just the rush of the phone beeps and notifications you’re getting (or awaiting) throughout the day. Because if it’s the latter, and you’re seeking a relationship, don’t waste your time, the time of the other person (who might actually be into you – it’s not fair to him or her!), or your cell battery. Focus on finding someone you actually do like spending time with in person. On Yom Kippur and the upcoming yom tovs, practice living life without your cell phone glued to your hand – you might even meet someone in person.

Extreme Profile Makeover: “Barry”

by Tamar Caspi under JDate,Monday Makeover,Online Dating,Single Life

Hi Tamar,

My friend is cute and sweet, but not getting any attention on JDate. Can you take a look at his profile and see what you think?



Dear “friend” of Barry,

You’re right… your friend is cute and does seem sweet! So, let’s see how I can help your, I mean, his profile get more attention.

Let’s start with the photos. I like the main profile picture a lot, but do prefer more of a headshot for this photo rather than one where we can’t see his face (although I can tell that he is indeed cute). The other two photos are just okay, but would be better if there was that clear close-up of his face so that these were the fun complementary photos since they are both kind of dark.

Profile Name
Leaves something to be desired. Very typical “male” profile name of what is likely his last name and some digits. Barry seems to have much more personality than this profile name suggests.

In My Own Words
You know, there’s nothing here I would really change. I like what he had to write, which is why I think the focus needs to be on fixing his profile name and photos to support this. I would add a bit here and there… saying that your history is not “brief” can be seen as a sketchy answer since a 34-year-old should really be able to answer this without writing a book like the 62-year-old JDater who asked for an ‘Extreme Profile Makeover’ last week.

I can deduce by his tidbit about Philly sports teams that he’s likely from there originally — at the very least he can expand upon that and explain how he got to Los Angeles. This can either go in the “About Me” section or “Brief History” section. He also mentions not being able to live without his family, so he can also add which family members he’s close to so that dating prospects can begin to create a connection.

His Details
There are WAY TOO MANY blanks in this section, which only adds to the sketchiness I mentioned before. Too many blanks, unanswered questions, and too short of answers make it seem like the person is not really taking this seriously. Not everything needs to be filled in, but “My Ideal Match” needs more. What are his general preferences for a woman’s age? I suggest 25-35 for a 34-year-old man. Since he has his bachelor’s degree and says he’s established in his career, then he likely wants a woman who also has a minimum of a bachelor’s degree. He says he’s Reform and never goes to temple, so he should add those to the list as well.

Find more profile advice in the book “How to Woo a Jew: The Modern Jewish Guide to Dating and Mating” available now!

Extreme Profile Makeover — “Deb”

by Tamar Caspi under JDate,Monday Makeover,Online Dating,Single Life

Dear Tamar,

I really want to find someone to share the rest of my life with… or at least someone to share life’s days ahead, one day at a time. I’ve been independent since 1992 — with relationships — but only a select few (as I had a young son). I’ve been camera shy till recently, so I need a full figure photo (which should go in my favor). Plus, I’d like to show my 2 pups: LOVE ME, LOVE MY DOGS.

Can you help?


Dear “Deb,”

Let’s see, where shall we begin? I love your profile photo — and yes, you need additional supporting pictures (as you know). I also like your profile name and how you tie it back into the profile later. The rest I will dissect below:

In My Own Words
I’m going to break this down by section since you answered every section.

  • About Me
    Nice, concise, witty, and complete. Leave as is, aside from one thing: you talk about looking young for your age. Rather than list the exact age people think you are, simply say that people think you’re 20 years younger, and that you often have to show your ID to prove them wrong.
  • My Life and Ambitions
    There are some typos that need to be fixed. Also, I would delete the part about “this New Year” since Rosh Hashanah will come and go, and then you’ll be left with an outdated profile or the need to update again. A timeless account is best. In fact, I’d delete that sentence and the ones following it. What you wrote up until then is good and the rest is redundant.
  • A Brief History of My Life
    The keyword here is brief. Six paragraphs is not brief. I’d eliminate the last part of the first paragraph about your father’s family, as that is awesome information to share on a date. Delete the second, fourth, fifth, and sixth paragraphs. Then condense the first and third and make it cohesive. The cities you’ve lived in and why you moved, when you divorced and your son, your career. The rest either belongs in other categories — which you may have even already covered in those sections — or they should wait to be used on dates.
  • My Perfect First Date/On Our First Date Remind Me to Tell You About
    Both of these are great!
  • The Things I Could Never Live Without
    Also great!
  • My Favorite Books, Movies, etc
    I’d suggest condensing and listing more like this:
    Books: Tony Robbins, 20th Century Classics
    Movies: I’m obsessed with classic films and am quite the trivia buff!
    TV: all Law & Order, Sci-Fi, epic dramas, NO reality TV
  • The Coolest Places I’ve Visited/ For Fun I Like To…
    I don’t think these are necessary. You don’t need to answer all the questions, and since you only have so much time in which to pique the interest of a prospect, you should only keep the ones that add something of substance.
  • On Friday and Saturday Nights
    This is good as is.
  • I’m Looking For/ My Ideal Relationship
    Pick one or the other, you don’t need both.
  • My Past Relationships
    I think you’ve given waaaaay too much information here. We get it: you are friends with your exes, and that’s awesome! Just saying that is enough; you don’t need to go into detail. Leave the first line and delete the rest.
  • You Should Message Me If…
    This is good as is.

Your Details and My Ideal Match are both fine. Make sure you play around with some of those preferences to make sure you’re seeing all your prospects (age range, marital status) and that they know you are open to them as well. You’re 62, but look younger, so a 70-year-old man who looks younger may be a great fit — don’t count him out!

For more advice on revamping your profile, visit HowtoWooaJew.


Dear Tamar: Help Me Transition From Recluse to Active Dater

by Tamar Caspi under JDate,Monday Makeover,Online Dating,Single Life

Dear Tamar,

Help! I’m a longtime recluse, just escaping my cocoon after a series of life events. I look and feel great, but am gun-shy, rusty and IGNORANT on how to date successfully online and in-person. Though I’m 63 next month, NO ONE (even doctors!) believe I’m over 42. I’m at the age where I’d rather be alone than with the wrong person. My fear is saying too much, the wrong thing, or coming on too hyper. Any advice?

-Former Recluse


Dear Former Recluse,

Congratulations on coming out of the cocoon, and welcome to the world of online dating! The biggest piece of advice I have for people who don’t know what to say on dates is to make sure you’re a good listener first and foremost. You can listen well by showing attentiveness, engaging your date by asking follow-up questions, and making a connection by inserting comments when you have something in common.

As a young looking 63-year-old woman you have a bit of a challenge ahead of you. It would be better for you to list an age range of 55-70. It’s wide, but your age is right in the middle and gives the chance to show a 55-year-old man that age is a state of mind… just as much as a 70-year-old can prove to you the same thing. When you look different from your age, your pictures need to back up this claim and, of course, you do as well in-person. And it goes without saying that it doesn’t matter if you look 20 years younger than your age if you act 20 years older. Again, age is a state of mind.

Send me your profile so I can review it for an Extreme Profile Makeover and help you on your way to finding a great companion!

Follow How to Woo a Jew on Instagram!