Archive for the ‘JDate’ Category

Encountering Past Dates in the Wild: A Field Guide

by Caryn Alper under Date Night,JDate,Online Dating,Single Life

The world is split between two kinds of people: those who run toward an acquaintance at the grocery store, eager to say hello, and those who dart away and hide in the next aisle in an effort to avoid forced small talk.  Which kind of person are you?

Do you fall into the same camp if the acquaintance is someone you previously dated? What if you recognize someone with whom you’ve previously changed messages, but you never met in person? What if the other person doesn’t recognize you? What’s the protocol here?

Relax, dear readers, I’ve got the rules below.

First, as a natural hider, let me say that avoidance is always an acceptable option.  On days where I just don’t feel like talking to someone, or I’m in work-out clothes with post-gym hair, or whatever, I’ve been known to feign interest in the nutrition facts of Worchester sauce until the perceived social threat has passed.  However, once you commit to the avoidance tactic, what would have been a 10-minute run to the store can easily turn into a tactical strategy of hard-core hide and seek.  Be forewarned.

But once eye contact has been established with the acquaintance, things get a little trickier.  Proceed as indicated below:

If you recognize someone who…

  • Is on JDate and you might be interested: Smile and make eye contact
  • Is on JDate and you are probably not interested: Avoid or smile weakly
  • You recently exchanged messages with: Smile and make eye contact
  • You exchanged messages over 6 months ago but never met: Avoid or smile, depending on whether you are still interested
  • You went out with once or twice: Smile
  • You went out with on the worst date of your life: Avoid — or, if you’re in a movie, make a loud scene resulting in the destruction of a pyramid of produce, causing innocent bystanders to start tripping over oranges
  • You dated for a few months: Smile and wave politely, depending on how things ended
  • You dated for a substantial amount of time: This really depends on the nature of your relationships, but given its length, you will know what feels most comfortable
  • Is a random, cute stranger: Smile! And ask for a food recommendation  – why not?

If you’re ever unsure whether to approach someone whose relationship isn’t listed above, come find me for consultation – I’ll be the one hiding behind giant sunglasses pretending to inspect the melons really closely.


Extreme Profile Makeover: “Alex”

by Tamar Caspi under Date Night,JDate,Online Dating,Single Life

Today’s Extreme Profile Makeover was requested by “Alex” — if you want your profile reviewed just send Tamar your JDate profile name by clicking here.

Profile Name:
I like your profile name — it includes your actual name without revealing too much personal information and has a catch phrase attached. No issues here. =)

Photos:
You need to add a headshot for your main profile picture, not a professional or business photo, but a close-up of your smiling face with your eyes showing. Next, I would advise some rearranging of photos:

  • Move the pic of you in flip flops from third to second place (the full-body shot typically goes second)
  • Your current second photo can be moved to the third slot
  • Delete what is now your current profile photo

The reason I don’t like your current main photo is because it’s too posed with a fake backdrop; plus it’s oddly cropped. Since you talk about family a lot, try and find a casual photo with a family member (or two or three) and add that as your last photo. Make sure you add a caption to identify who is who — and try not to have any female family members around your age in the picture as that can be confusing!

In My Own Words:
I like a lot of what you have to say in your bio, but I do think it can be condensed and edited. You say a lot of the same things in different ways as different answers, and it can get redundant. I understand that you want to make sure a woman knows you’re being authentic, but at a certain point the overkill has the reverse effect. Right now your profile is coming across a bit strong with the “keywords” — something you will understand since you’re in online marketing.

Here are a few quick tips to help you pare down your profile:

  • Cut any sentences that include the following words: honest/honesty, trust, respect, and any variation of the terms desire/adore/cherish/etc.
  • Sometimes less is more and you will prove that you believe all of the above by your actions
  • In fact, you can delete the middle two paragraphs of your “About Me” section
  • And in the “My Perfect First Date” answer, you use the word simple three times: delete the third one and simply say (no pun intended): I want to do something easy

Another way to condense is to not answer all of the questions since many force you to repeat the same answer in other ways. I think you can eliminate “The Things I Could Never Live Without” and “For Fun I Like To” and “I’m Looking For” (or “My Ideal Relationship”).

His Details:
Select “a couple extra pounds” for body type and delete your income.

My Ideal Match:
Delete “A Date” and “An Activity Partner” since you are looking for your wife. Adjust your age range. You are a 28-year-old man, so your ideal general age range should be 22-30.

Finally, when you’re searching, play with the preferences for location since New York City is so populated. You are in the perfect location to find someone, and I think the profile makeover will help you do just that!


Dear Tamar: How Can I Politely Reject Someone?

by Tamar Caspi under JDate,Online Dating,Single Life

Dear Tamar,

I had a JDater send me an email (he was not my type, and not someone I would want to go out with), but I want to respond to the email as I think it rude not to. He asked me specific questions from my profile. Please help on how I can respond nicely, but let him know that I am not interested without hurting his feeling.

Thanks!

-Polite Rejection

_________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Dear Polite Rejection,

It sounds like your prospect has read my tips on how to write an awesome first email! The flip side is what you’re experiencing — getting that really great email and still not being interested, but wanting to show appreciation for the effort. And that’s exactly what you should write:

“Thank you so much for your email… I can see that you put a lot of thought into it and I really appreciate it. Unfortunately I just don’t think we are a match. I wanted to make sure you knew that the effort you put into the email didn’t go unnoticed, but I also didn’t want to leave you hanging. Best of luck to you in this crazy dating world!”

Play around with those sentences so that it is authentic to your voice. Recognizing the effort and adding a bit of humor at the end will help soften the rejection.

 

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Dear Tamar: Burned After Moving Too Fast

by Tamar Caspi under JDate,Relationships,Single Life

Dear Tamar,

I am a 65-year-old widower and recently had instant chemistry with a woman. Within days we felt like our relationship was a comfortable old shoe.  The relationship grew quickly — she told me to slow down — I didn’t.  After a few weeks and a few warnings, she terminated the relationship by email.  She refuses to talk or give it another try.  How can I woo her back?

________________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Burned,

I suggest contacting her the same way she broke off the relationship — via email. But first, make sure you truly comprehend what happened to bring an end to the relationship and take ownership of it. It seems from your letter like you understand that she asked you to slow down a number of times and that you didn’t listen, but don’t make excuses to her as to why you didn’t listen.

This letter needs to be about all the amazing things you like about her and how she makes you feel and how you hope to make her feel. Don’t make it all about you; if you want her back then it has to be about her — you already made it about you when you ignored her warnings and kept moving quickly when she wanted to slow down. You need to show her that you now understand where she’s coming from and offer to date her rather than jump back into a serious relationship. She may not want to though and you will have to accept that, but it’s worth a try!


Quick! Reply to That Message

by Caryn Alper under Date Night,JDate,Online Dating

Nowadays, no one has the patience to wait for much at all: Everything is fast paced. Long gone are the days of flipping through a little black book to find a date for next weekend.  Welcome to the days of swiping right and securing a date for that same night within two minutes. We eat fast food (or fast casual), we  go to Quik Trip, we speed date, we make 30-minute meals, and we work out at 20 Minutes to Fitness. But… we are also told that you can’t hurry love.

So how does this all affect your dating life? More specifically, should the world’s fast pace inform your response time to JDate messages?

I’ve definitely asked myself this question before — when you feel the excitement from seeing a new message in your inbox — do you open it, read it, and respond right away? Do you play it cool and wait to open it so the sender can’t tell that you read it immediately? (Because, you know, you are way too busy doing important things and can’t be bothered to check your messages regularly.) Do you read it right away, but wait a while to respond? Do you Google the person’s username, try to figure out their actual name, and head straight to your online county court’s records to investigate? Does anyone else even think about these things?

After considering the pros and cons of each scenario, I realized that so many people walk around with their phones glued to their hand that it’s safe to assume most people are receiving messages instantaneously. So there’s no shame in reading right away! And while you’re on the message page, you may as well respond, too — the speed of your reply builds momentum and sets the pace for subsequent replies. After all, the sooner you read and reply, the sooner you can hopefully meet in person, which is usually the point of online dating. My conclusion: no sense in waiting to reply. Speed skating, anyone?


First Date Tips: Post Date Follow-up

by Tamar Caspi under Date Night,JDate,Online Dating,Single Life

After a first date what is the appropriate follow-up?

  • If the date went well and the man paid, then the woman should call the next day to thank him for a nice evening. Don’t linger on the phone though, steer the conversation towards when you will speak again or when you will see each other again. A text can sometimes be okay here if you know he has a busy morning; just make sure that it has a flirty tone so he knows that you aren’t blowing him off.
  • If the date did not go well and the man paid then the woman should text the man a thank you. Keep it simple and short. Make sure it’s not flirty so that you don’t lead him on.
  • If the date did not go well and you split the check, then you don’t necessarily owe your date a thank you… but it’s good karma to say thank you and wish the other luck.
  • If your date did go well and you split the check, then you should absolutely follow-up the next day with a call to let your date know you want another date
  • If the date went well and you are the man who paid, but you didn’t hear from the woman, then don’t write her off just yet. Don’t assume it means she wasn’t grateful or doesn’t want to see you again. Call her and see where that leads.

All in all, if you want another date with this person, then how can it hurt to call — or even text — the next day? Do it. Pick up the phone and call.

 

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First Date Tips: Don’t Talk About That!

by Tamar Caspi under Date Night,JDate,Single Life

Seriously, sometimes you need to just stop talking. It’s easy to get on to topics that are not really first date material — you’re vibe-ing and finding commonalities and having nice rapport, and it’s awkward to stop a conversation that’s flowing even when you know it’s not appropriate. So try and avoid the following topics and prevent the conversation from going there, before it gets to that point. This is a brief list:

  • Exes: husbands, wives, fiances, boyfriends, girlfriends (stating when your last relationship ended/how long it lasted, how long you were married/when you got divorced is fine, just no details as to why it ended)
  • Death: you just lost your grandmother, and that is awful, but it makes you sad… so perhaps don’t mention it. If you must, just don’t expand upon it
  • Drama: with your job, family, friends — Do. Not. Go. There.
  • Talking sh*t: whether your date knows who you’re talking about or not
  • Finances: ’nuff said

Of course there are other topics that are personal to you and your story that you may not want to share. Joke about topics that are off-limits and say that you’d love to talk more about a topic if and when you’re on a future date. There are so many more positive and engaging topics you can talk about without bringing up too much about your past, or bringing in too much negativity.

It’s perfectly acceptable to briefly mention when your last break-up occurred, or what your political affiliation is, or to play Jewish Geography for a minute, even if you find you have people in common you don’t like (see “talking shit” above). Make sure you are listening to the answers after you ask a question because that should organically keep the conversation going and not turn it into a job interview.

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What’s Your Conversation Style?

by Caryn Alper under Date Night,JDate,Online Dating,Single Life

Are you a good conversationalist? Are you sure?  A simple conversation can reveal how you communicate with another person — and communication is such an important part of dating that it warrants a two-part series! When you talk to someone on a date, are you open? Passive? Direct? Brief? Today we’re starting with a pop quiz to identify your conversational type, since conversations can really make or break a first date. And, in next week’s second installment, we will score the quiz and learn what your conversation style says about you.

Disclaimer for the legal types out there:  This has no valid psychological basis – it’s intended for entertainment purposes only! So without further ado, grab your pencils and keep your eyes on your own paper (screen?).

 

What’s Your Conversation Style?

Choose the response that most closely matches your likely response in each of the following scenarios:

1.  You have just met someone in person for the first time, and after saying hello, you:

  • A)  Ask where she works, where she lives, and where she went to school, all in a row
  • B)  Wait for your date to say something
  • C)  Tell him all about your work drama that just happened that day
  • D)  Ask if he/she had any trouble finding your meeting spot and then add you like his/her shirt

2.  You’re on a first date and there is a lull in conversation. You:

  • A)  Ask where your date sees him/herself in 5 years
  • B)  Do nothing and look down
  • C)  Fill the silence by talking about what you had for lunch, including condiments and drink
  • D)  Make some comment on the décor of wherever you are

3.  It’s the end of a second date, and you wonder if you will have a third, but you’re nervous to bring it up. You:

  • A)  Ask your date if he or she sees a future with you
  • B)  Say goodnight
  • C)  Retell the story of something funny that happened on the date
  • D)  Say you had a good time

4.  You’ve had several pretty good dates with someone, but you can see that he/she has been regularly logging in to JDate.  You:

  • A)  Confront your date and ask where the relationship is going
  • B)  Do nothing
  • C)  Say your friend saw someone she was dating on another dating site… and then proceed to tell about what happened to your “friend”
  • D)  Instant Message your date when he/she goes on JDate

5.  You’re talking with your date and discover that he/she strongly favors a rival sports team. You:

  • A)  Demand to know why he likes that team
  • B)  Nod and don’t mention your team
  • C)  Tell him or her the details of the first game you ever attended
  • D)  Poke fun at the rivalry whenever there’s a future lull in conversation

Ok, time’s up, pencils down.  You can grade your quiz here!


First Date Tips: Confirming Plans

by Tamar Caspi under Date Night,JDate,Single Life

Before a first date you should call to confirm plans. Why? Well, it’s good practice to make sure you are both on the same page regarding when and where… and it also makes a good impression and shows your date that you’re thoughtful. But, it’s not the time to begin chatting and getting to know each other! Save that for the date itself.

Call your date, let them know where you made reservations or where you’re going, agree on a time to pick them up or meet, and end by saying you hope they’re having a good day. Oh — and don’t forget to say you’re looking forward to seeing them! Make this call either the night before or the day of, about 8 hours prior to the date.

If your date has an issue with the place or time, play it cool and be flexible — you never know what someone’s day has been like (hopefully you had the discussions about food aversions/allergies/preferences and what time was best for you both when you made plans originally, but things can change). If anything, your phone call will help turn their day around as they start thinking about your date!

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First Date Tips: Patterns

by Tamar Caspi under Date Night,JDate,Online Dating,Single Life

We all have dating patterns — some good and some bad. Identifying which is which is difficult. Take a look at your last bunch of first dates, and at your last few relationships. What was similar? What was different? Not just their looks, or education level, or religious level, or jobs, or even their personality… but how you felt.

For instance, when you got those butterflies in your stomach on certain dates, did those translate into serious relationships or did the excitement crash and burn after a few weeks? Many people are searching for a “feeling” on a first date, and when they don’t get that feeling they write off the person before giving them a chance. If that is your pattern, then I suggest giving some of the dates more time: if the first date was pretty good and all you’re really missing is that “feeling” then go on a second date and see if the comfort level of another meeting will help the connection.

This is an intangible feeling, but we tend to put a strong weight behind having it or not. Remember though — more couples tend to be successful when their relationship is built on commonalities rather than lust; and butterflies tend to be an indication of lust.

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