Archive for the ‘JDate’ Category

Making Plans vs. Being Spontaneous

by Tamar Caspi under Date Night,JDate

It’s considered quite chivalrous to make plans for a first date ahead of time, but it’s also risky since you don’t necessarily know the other person’s likes and dislikes (or allergies and aversions). On the other hand, it is fun to be spontaneous on a date, but can seem like you didn’t make any effort, or put any thought into it, and therefore aren’t very interested.

So what’s the best route to take? A combination of the two. Ask your date what their favorite food is (or check their JDate profile!) and make reservations for dinner, but then leave the time afterwards open to decide where to go together for a drink. Or, conversely, have a plan in mind to start the night at a trendy bar for drinks, but then ask your date what to do next if you hit it off and want to continue spending time together.

You can also make reservations at two or three different locations and ask your date to pick one (just be sure to quickly call and cancel the other reservations as a courtesy), that way you show you made an effort, but are also thoughtful and willing to be flexible.


Safe Sex in the Second Half of Life

by Tamar Caspi under JDate,Relationships,Single Life

This past weekend I had the privilege of being “On the Couch” with Dr. Dorree Lynn for a lengthy radio interview to both promote my book How to Woo a Jew and to discuss matchmaking. Eventually, the conversation turned to sex, as such chats tend to do with a psychologist and sexpert for the post-50 crowd, and Dr. Dorree mentioned the increasing rate of sexually transmitted diseases for the older crowd.

STD rates are on the rise for the 50+ age group because people tend to think that condoms are only for preventing pregnancy, which they no longer need to think about. But apparently many of these mature adults are fun, frisky and, inadvertently, passing around diseases. I chuckle, not because this isn’t a very serious topic (because it is!), but rather I laugh because it makes me so happy to hear about grandparents getting it on! Keep your sex lives active! It’s healthy for your mind, spirit and body… when you add condoms to the equation.

I’m also encouraged by the sheer number of singles in the second half of their lives on JDate! Life is not over at 50, or if you’re widowed, or if you’re divorced after many years! Get on JDate, meet other singles, and have lots of SAFE sex!


Impulse Control

by Tamar Caspi under Date Night,JDate

Some people don’t think before they speak. And that can lead to some awkward moments on a date where one person puts their foot in their mouth after apologizing for being rude or belligerent — and the other person needs to wipe a disgusted and/or shocked look off their face.

Honesty is not always the best policy. Sometimes omission is best.

  • Don’t ask a question if you don’t want to know the answer
  • Don’t tell a date that you were “here last week on another JDate”
  • Don’t tell a date that you have too many emails on JDate to read through, so they should consider themselves lucky.

If you are about to make a comment that you wouldn’t want to hear from your date, then keep it to yourself.


Love at First JDate: Post-Valentine’s Day Motivation

by JenG under Date Night,JDate,Online Dating

You made it! You won’t have to deal with the pressure of Valentine’s Day for at least another 364 days. No need to worry about making plans with someone you just started dating, or figuring out how to make it through the day without eating too many cupcakes.

After V-Day, I’m always a bit more motivated to do something about my dating life; jump-starting my online activity and going out on more dates.

  • Do: When you want to start going on more dates, and are more open to meeting someone, schedule a part of your day (whether before work or after work) where you devote a certain amount of time to online dating and messaging people back.
  • Do (Bonus!): Be the first to send a message if you come across a profile that you like and admire. Let your post-VDay motivation make you more confident with making that first move. You’ll likely see better results.

Follow Jen Glantz here: www.twitter.com/tthingsilearned


The Paradox of Choice

by Tamar Caspi under JDate,Online Dating,Single Life

At the launch of my book, How to Woo a Jew, I was asked by a man if JDate was more of a hindrance to his dating life because of The Paradox of Choice. The Paradox of Choice is a book written by Barry Schwartz; it states that having too many options heightens anxiety and that having less choices will help your chances of achieving success and, therefore, happiness. The man who asked the question wondered if people don’t look at the great prospect in front of them because they think there might be someone better around the corner. Could there be too many fish in the sea?

My answer? No. People should poly-date in order to make sure they are not falling for someone too quickly, and they can make sure they aren’t settling by having options to compare. It’s easy to overlook faults when you don’t have anyone else to consider. It’s easy to convince yourself to accept less when you’re feeling desperate.

A little competition is good, it’s healthy, it keeps people on their game. But you also need to really know what you want — by having your short list of priorities — so that when you do find it, you aren’t doubting yourself and wondering if you could meet someone who meets some items from your longer, more nit-picky, less realistic list.


The Dating Olympics

by Tamar Caspi under JDate,Online Dating,Single Life

If dating were a sport and you were an Olympic athlete, then would be your competition? The U.S. seems to usually have the highest medal count with Russia and China not far behind, so if you’re going for gold who is in your way?

Oddly enough, this season of The Bachelor on ABC got me thinking about this metaphor. There are always group dates on the show, and contestants have to do things to make themselves stand out from the pack. As awful as it sounds, they have to compete for the Bachelor’s — or Bachelorette’s — attention. Some contestants receive negative attention by drinking too much and soon get disqualified. Others make sure to always sit next to the Bachelor or Bachelorette, touching the star of the show discreetly on their arm or leg, smiling and making eye contact, and ultimately creating opportunities to get one-on-one time. These contestants are playing the game masterfully, particularly when it all comes across naturally.

This is a lesson one must learn for both the screen — on JDate — as well as in person — at a mixer or a bar. What are you going to do to stand out and to retain the attention of your prospect while still maintaining self-respect? Confidence is the overlying theme, whether you’re an Olympic athlete or a single who is ready to mingle. Either way, you need to exude confidence in your main profile photo, your About Me paragraph, and when meeting someone in person. It doesn’t matter what you look like, it matters how you carry yourself.


Confirming Your Date

by Tamar Caspi under Date Night,JDate,Online Dating

You got matched up on JDate, exchanged a few emails, had a 10-minute phone call to make plans, and then, as the day approaches, what do you do? You need to confirm your date!

I am no fan of texting, but you should send a text at the very least to simply say, “Looking forward to seeing you tonight!” You should also send that text at least six hours prior to the date. If you need to exchange any more information than that — as in the time or place — then, call. Pick up the phone at least six hours in advance, if not the night before, to solidify the plans. Some people will have to make arrangements for childcare, or getting primped, and it is a show of common courtesy to assure them the date is on and to let them in on the plans.

Buy Tamar’s new book How to Woo a Jew, on sale now!


Updating Your Profile

by Tamar Caspi under JDate,Online Dating

While perusing various JDate profiles, I have found a few update tips that are good lessons for all JDaters® to learn.

  1. Don’t be time specific. If you say “I’m moving to [city] in November,” except now it’s December, you will eventually just have to go back and update it. Better to say “I’m new to [city]” — even if you aren’t moving until next week. Same goes for discussing your 5-year-old kid/niece/dog, because in 12 months that kid/niece/dog will be a year older and you’ll have to update. No need to state the age at all!
  2. Try to avoid cliches. Or at least poke fun at yourself for using them before elaborating to make your point.
  3. Don’t overdo the photos. Having 12 photo options doesn’t mean you need to use them all, especially if you’re not using them smartly. Edit. Eliminate repetitive photos of yourself wearing sunglasses, holding a wine glass, or posing with your dog.
  4. Don’t “Select All.” Narrow down your preferences in the Ideal Match section. You’re not fooling anyone when you select that you’re looking for “a friend” — you’re on JDate after all! And it’s not realistic to choose that you’re looking for both a Non-Practicing Jew and an Orthodox Jew.

Whether you edit often or haven’t touched your profile since you created it, follow the above tips to make sure your profile isn’t dated and is always doing a fair job of representing you.

Buy Tamar’s new book How to Woo a Jew, on sale now!

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Wait, We’re On a Date?

by Aaron under Date Night,JDate,Online Dating,Single Life

One of my favorite episodes of the American version of The Office is called “Happy Hour,” and it introduces a fun character from Steve Carell: Date Mike. Date Mike only comes to exist after Steve Carell’s character (Michael) finds out that one of his employees has brought a date for him to the company happy hour. Michael dons sunglasses, pops his collar, and puts on an attitude, explaining he didn’t realize he was on a date.

Lately I’ve seen my social media feeds clutter with people’s confusion about dates. One article went viral about people not being clear enough when it comes to their romantic intentions. Another recent article in USA Today reported on a study commissioned by JDate and ChristianMingle that found there is a lot of confusion when it comes to figuring out whether or not a date was actually a date… or something else.

There’s a few angles I see with this. On the one hand, online dating should make this issue much easier: when a website has the word “date” in the title, it should be pretty clear what’s happening. But that isn’t always the case. Over Shabbat, I discussed this with friends. Some had used JDate simply as a way to further test the waters, inviting people to happy hours — not a date, simply an introduction opportunity that other parties misunderstood.

Here’s a distinction that makes defining a date less ambiguous: a good date simply involves people having fun, a little bit of sexual tension, and most importantly, spontaneity. My friends and I discussed our best and worst dates earlier this week (three men, two women) and came up with some conclusive answers as to how we enjoyed or disliked dates. When both parties interacted heavily (not seeing Troy, for example, when one party isn’t into action movies), or had a fun time just doing something random (not as random as buying plants at Home Depot, but maybe as random as eating a cookie cake together and sharing wine), it didn’t matter how the night was labeled.

People like to have a good time and try new things. If you can do that together, a date becomes a date whether you call it so or not. More often than not, the hangouts I’ve had with members of the opposite sex — such as watching a Scream movie marathon or going to a women’s basketball game on campus — have often led to much deeper connections than me making small talk about the first time I ordered the veggie burger at a restaurant. So date, hangout, invitation to meet at Whole Foods — it doesn’t matter what you call it. A date has a lot of extra pressure added to it, and that tends to take away from the fun. There’s no need to bring Date Mike to the party, but add some fun and spontaneity, and it’s going to be a good time — regardless of what it’s called.


Extreme Profile Makeover — “Julie”

by Tamar Caspi under JDate,Monday Makeover,Online Dating,Single Life

Hey there!

Could you help me makeover my profile as to attract more people/get more responses?

Thanks!

_______________________________________________________________

Hi Julie,

I’m happy to help. To start, you have a great profile name! Putting an adjective or descriptive phrase before the year you were born is perfect! So, we can skip right to the profile.

     1. PHOTOS

I’ll be honest, this is where you need the most work. You need more than 3 photos, but I would take the time to also get better pictures. The New Year’s hat photo is super cute, but should be moved to the 3rd or 4th slot for your “fun” photo. Have a friend take photos of you with no one else in the picture and no other distracting elements. Make sure there’s good lighting. The second photo of your full body should be swapped out for another. I like that you are confident and that you followed my rules to have a full body pic be the second photo, but I am not a fan of studio photos. At that same photo shoot you schedule with your friend, have him or her take a few full body photos as well. Go outside when there’s not direct sunlight and find a place with rocks or trees or cool architecture and take photos there. Finally, the car pic can be deleted or used as a final, supplementary photo.

     2. IN MY OWN WORDS

You’ve done a nice job with your ABOUT ME answer, although it could be thinned out a bit. I would delete the line which begins, “In my free time…” since that goes under the area titled FOR FUN, I LIKE TO. You can also delete the football line and TV lines (put it under MY FAVORITES…) and that will connect the movies line with the Netflix line, which is cute!

I would also recommend not answering every single question; it can get a bit repetitive. You could also delete MY PERFECT FIRST DATE and either THINGS I COULD NEVER LIVE WITHOUT or THE COOLEST PLACES I’VE VISITED. Answering every single question is overkill. You don’t want to come off as over-zealous and you don’t need to reveal so much. This will leave a few general topics for discussion via email and on your first date!

     3. DETAILS

Most of your details are good, the changes you should make are all under MY IDEAL MATCH. If you are truly looking for a date, then you can leave that in, but I suspect you really want a relationship leading to forever, so delete the less committal options (a date, friend, etc.). The other place to edit is the age range. A 27-year-old woman would typically connect best with a guy just a few years younger and at maximum more than a few years older. I’d suggest expanding your age range from 24-30 to a 10-year range of 24-34. I’d also narrow down some of the streams of Judaism you’d be willing to date.

You’ve got a good start, Julie! You just need to take some awesome photos, edit your “About Me” paragraph, broaden your preferred age range, and then narrow down the relationship type and the religious level you’d be willing to date and I think you’ll find yourself seeing lots of new, “real” prospects.