under Date Night
Last week, I wrote about deciphering the right time to get into a Facebook “friendship” relationship with someone you’ve just started dating. And while that’s bound to happen at some point in your courting, it’s also important not to judge someone based on what you find scattered throughout their social media trail. The other day, I was spitting out lines on the phone to my mom about how I didn’t want to go on a first date with a guy because I didn’t think we were a good match. My only justification for this claim was solely based on what I knew about him from social media. Was that a good enough reason to write someone off and skip out on a first date?
- Do: Practice self-control if you have access to someone’s social media accounts before you’ve met them — and refrain from doing a thorough investigation on them. If you can’t control yourself (which, power to you if you actually can), try to digest the information by reminding yourself this is just a small representation of who they are. Think about what someone might think of you if they read through your 1,000+ tweets before meeting you. It’s worth giving someone an in-person chance.
- Don’t: Cancel a date because you’ve seen too much on someone’s social media accounts. If you’ve stalked them to the point that you’ve seen photos of their ex-girlfriend or you know what they looked like at their Bar Mitzvah, that’s your fault. Ignore the fact that you just freaked yourself out and go meet them in person. Then, you’ll have the information you need to judge if you’d like to continue seeing them in real life… or just through the internet waves.
Read more of Jen Glantz: www.thethingsilearnedfrom.com
or follow her on Twitter: @tthingsilearned
About twenty-four hours before being told I was going to be blogging for JDate, I was sitting with my new classmates from business school. They were sitting on their LinkedIn accounts, building networks and uploading resumes. What was I doing? I was sitting on the “currently online” section of JDate and mass viewing profiles.
My name is Aaron Stayman and I am a mass JDater in Dallas, a city without much of a young JDatabase (I wish I could promise that is the worst pun you will see in this column, but I do intend to be a Jewish dad one day). I spend a lot of time on JDate and going out on dates, and even more time thinking about dating. It’s something I enjoy so much, I’ve written and changed friends’ profiles, given Jewish males in my area makeovers, and have referenced books for friends to read to help them get better at the extremely niche game of Jewish online dating.
I’m 23 years old, but like many of you I’m looking to find someone for a serious relationship, even if marriage isn’t in my sights for a little while. One thing I’ve really enjoyed on JDate is long-distance dating. That’s been my niche, and I have plenty of fun stories on that front (especially involving my mother and the lengths she attempted to go to when I went to Arkansas to meet a girl from JDate after Skyping for months, or when she tried to follow me through Central Park on a date during our latest trip to the Big Apple), but those will have to wait until we’ve gotten to know each other a bit better.
The good news for everyone out there, male or female, is that I’m trying to make my time on JDate better every day, as well as everyone else’s time. I have helped guys become cooler versions of themselves — as well as helped them to understand how to bring out the naturally cool people they are. I’ve also made girls laugh and even given tips to female friends about things they can do to improve their dating. I’m no pro, and my advice may even be wrong from time to time (everyone is unique on this site, after all), but I look forward to sharing my random thoughts with you and hope you’ll enjoy the journey we’re about to share together as well!
How do you answer JDate’s questions without sounding repetitive, cheesy, fake or boring? Let me help you craft personal and enticing answers to both the basic and intimate questions.
“On our First Date, Remind Me to Tell You That Story About…”
Have fun here. Don’t actually tell the story though; the purpose is to tickle your taste buds, dip your toes in the water, and intrigue other daters by sharing just a little tidbit to get them to want to know more. Some great ones I’ve read include:
- That time I went rappelling on Morocco
- When I got locked inside a graveyard
- How I racked up a $9,000 cell phone bill
- Why a psychic said I would make it into the Guinness Book of World Records
The one-liner should be interesting, short, and enticing. If you can’t think of anything at all to write here, then ask a friend or family member who may recall an event you’re forgetting or who saw something from a different perspective (i.e. you may have thought projectile vomiting on a bad date was horrific, but hopefully in retrospect you can see how it was funny. Laugh at yourself and you’re sure to make your date laugh too… and to see how humble you are!).
Most conversations I have with my mother ultimately lead to her asking for a schedule of any future dates I’ve agreed to go on. Which most of the time, my answer to her is explicitly simple and can be summarized in one of my most infamous and favorite sayings: I don’t have time.
“What do you mean you don’t have time?” She’ll demand, as if having a full-time job, perpetual errands to run, and an overwhelming desire for more sleep isn’t a good enough reason to name drop a phrase like that. “You’re just making excuses…this is your future we are talking about!”
Maybe she is right. Maybe “I don’t have time” is just an excuse for “I really don’t want to do this.”
- Do: Block out one day a week, if possible, for a date. That way when someone asks you out at the start of the week, you’ll have an evening reserved to give them a chance. If your life is off-the-wall busy, block out a few days a month until things begin to slow down.
- Don’t: Put dating on the back burner when a great opportunity to go out with someone or meet someone new comes to the forefront. Give someone a chance and be open to meeting people in the most bizarre places and situations—I’m very much talking about through online dating. Trade “I don’t have time” in for “I’ll give you a chance.”
For more from Jen Glantz here!
under Date Night
I’ve seen a lot of relationships end due to incompatibility. Let’s admit it, a lot of those online “tests” and horoscopes don’t give us the real answers. Through much conversation and research, there are three ways to tell if you’ll be compatible with your new date. It’s important to know right away… or your relationship could end in a disastrous break up.
1) Sense of Humor
If you two don’t have the same sense of humor, you can nearly guarantee the relationship is doomed. Connecting with each other on a deep level has to do with how you both perceive the world and it’s craziness. Do you laugh at the same jokes? Do you make each other laugh? Or maybe you are both serious and have no sense of humor. That’s good too! As long as both of you are the same level, then it will be a much smoother life together.
2) Taste in Music
Of course, I could have said anything here: movies, food etc. But, music says a lot about a person. Music defines our culture and our taste. If you two have different tastes in music then it may be difficult to enjoy the many fleeting moments of life such as car rides, concerts or turning on the mp3 player at home. Be sure you look out for their taste in music and see how similar it is.
3) Your Drive
No, not the model of your car. When I say “drive” I mean for your passion and purpose for life. This is a big one because it can tell the future of your relationship. Do you both like to relax in the same way? Are you both hard working entrepreneurs? Is one lazier than the other? These are just a few of the things you need to look for in regards to compatibility. It may not be as important when you start to date, but as things get more comfortable each person will fall into their own ways. Be sure to know if your significant other has the same passions and zest for life as you do.
If you meet someone and you connect on all three of these levels, you can be sure your compatibility rate is very high. Make sure to look out for these details listed above on your next first date. That way you can get a good read on your future together.
under Date Night
There are people who “try” online dating for a month or two, and then call it quits. They will go back and forth through a series of messages, venturing out from behind the computer screen for a date or two (which inevitably won’t go exactly as planned), and then decide enough is enough. They then throw in the towel and resort to living a lonely life of sinking into the creases of their living room couch, playing unlimited games of Xbox, and ignoring calls from Mom — because all she will nag about is why her kid is wasting their lives holding hands with a remote control. Here’s when you should give up… and when you should keep on, keeping on:
- Do: Give the online dating scene a chance. If it doesn’t work out, maybe take a short break, and come back to it refreshed and open to trying it out again. Sometimes it helps to just revamp your profile, or spend some time rethinking what it is you are looking for in a person and how serious you want to take this experience.
- Don’t: Go on one or two online dates and call it quits. Most first dates will be a little overwhelming or awkward, but that’s why there is sometimes such a stigma around first dates. Either decide to go on a second date with someone who has potential, or keep searching and corresponding with more people until you find someone else who sparks an interest in your head.
There is someone out there for everyone — the number of different types of online dating sites just reinforces that! Give it a chance, or two.
Read more of Jen Glantz here.
It’s Passover. You’re at an unfamiliar Seder with unfamiliar people. In fact, it’s probably a young professionals Seder for the people who couldn’t really go home to mother, father and a bevy of home-cooked food.
You think to yourself, “This is going to be another awkward Jewish event that I paid money for that could’ve gone to my Thursday kickball dues”. Then you realize you’ve boarded yourself in your room (other than work) after Florida Gulf Coast University ruined your bracket this weekend, and are probably in need of social interaction. Understanding this, you walk out of work, Gucci Man and Kid Cudi on repeat, and park at the synagogue/JCC/random rich dude’s house.
Upon arriving fifteen minutes late (Jewish standard time), you notice some new talent seated around the 75-100 person Seder table. This excites you, however you decide to sit next to David Goldstein, your go-to basketball-watching and gambling buddy, for familiarity reasons.
As the Seder goes on, you slyly check your phone every so often for work emails and to text your buddy across the room about this new talent. Once the charoset and maror are passed around, you recite your Four Question checklist again:
- Why is this brown-haired, brown-eyed, well-dressed woman on my right different from all other women?
- Why does this brown-haired, brown-eyed, well-dressed woman on my right recline with such unbelievable posture? Is she a yoga teacher?
- Why does this brown-haired, brown-eyed, well dressed-woman on my right pop Kosher for Passover breath mints after every bite of the Hillel Sandwich (charoset, maror, matzah)?
- What is the reason for this brown-haired, brown-eyed, well-dressed woman’s obsession with cats, tangerines and Duke basketball?
You then check your phone one more time to see if your buddy got any 411 on the ginger girl to your right, pick up your fork, and start eating your catered chicken.
I have gone broke from a first date more than once. Somehow, going on a date just extracts the paper bills from the inside of my pleather wallet without me realizing what’s happening. Once, a few months ago, going on a date even forced me to overdraw my bank account. Talking about who should pay for a first date should be on the list of topics for the next presidential debate (just kidding), as it warrants much emotion, opinions and even deal-breaking decisions by those who have rules and guidelines tattooed in their minds.
Here’s my breakdown on the payment plan for a first date—this one is targeted to the girls:
- Do: Always offer to contribute on the first date. You both mutually decided to go out and “meet” each other on this awkward rendezvous and it’s only right you offer to shell out the cash for your half of the meal, or your gulp of a full glass of Pinot. You can follow your own rules on dates two through infinity. However, you should use your manners and offer to pay on the first round.
- Don’t: Turn your shoulder on a first date who makes you pay. Yes, it’s lovely to be wined and dined on occasion, but it’s best to consider a first date with someone as a friendly meeting. A “let’s get to know each other—on a surface level and go from there” kind of thing. Don’t be upset or feel as though you’ve been stiffed.
Read more of Jen Glantz here.
There is a language for love and then there’s a language for finding love online—both, I whole-heartedly believe, take trial and error, and countless embarrassingly syntactical mistakes to master. But when learning how to present yourself and tame your feelings for a person you have just scrolled upon online, there is a certain etiquette to foster if you want to rendezvous in the real world.
Just like it took me some time to understand when to use the “Poke” button on Facebook (which is never), it also took me a bit of time to understand when to use and when to respond to messages in my JDate inbox that are “Flirt Messages,” (the standard template of one-liners JDate provides users).
- Do: Send a “Flirt Message” if you want to make someone smile, for a second, to show that you are thinking about them or interested. Follow up with a personal message that showcases a bit of your personality, and above anything else, that you took an extra couple of seconds to browse more than just their selection of glamour shot photos.
- Don’t: Use it as a cop out and send someone a “Flirt message” over writing your own personal note to them. Remember, your first message to someone doesn’t have to be a novel of questions or a five-paragraph essay. It can be a simple remark about something that caught your eye about them on their profile. Your chances will skyrocket that someone will respond back to a personal message over a standard template message.
Read more of Jen Glantz here.
under Date Night
For all of us 9-5’ers (but really, 9-whenever we are able to swim our way out of the piles of to-do lists that overcrowd our desk and go home), weeknights are a precious time where we are able to garner up just enough energy to plop our tushes down on the couch and fall asleep to the rumbles from the television.
Going out on dates on a weeknight have become a challenge for my exhausted, over-worked self. Just recently, I was enjoying myself on a date when I could feel my head slowly tilting to the side, longing to gracefully fall onto my plush pillow. If ever there was a time to say, “It’s not you, it’s me,” this would have been it.
I’ve found it equally as awkward as it is difficult to find the right way to end a date and call it night without making it seem like you’re uninterested, or trying to cover up mid-sentence yawns. Here’s some ways to do it.
- Do: Be perfectly upfront and honest. Say you have to wake up super early for work, as I’m sure they do as well, and explain how it’s getting a bit late. Throw in a bit of laughter and say something like, “I can’t believe we’ve been chatting for 3 hours already!” Be bold and tell them you’d love to continue this conversation, or this date, another night—maybe even on the weekend.
- Don’t: Be rude and cut them off mid-sentence and say you have to get going or stage a fake escape by having one of your friends send you an “I need your help ASAP” text message. I’m guilty of doing this once in my life and I ended up looking like a pathetic fool.
Read more from Jen Glantz at www.thethingsilearnedfrom.com