Archive for the ‘Online Dating’ Category

There are so many potential matches on JDate, how can one know when the right person comes along? Here are a few tips to help find the answer:
• Do we share common morals and values?
• Do I feel safe with this person?
• Am I comfortable expressing my feelings?
• How does my partner treat other people?
• Is there something about the other person that I hope to change?
• Do I still have feelings for an ex?
• What do I really want from this relationship?
• Why do I want to be in this relationship?
• Do I respect and like my partner?
• Do the two of us laugh when we’re together?
• Do I enjoy my time with this person?
• Do we have the same work ethic?
• How does this person treat his/her family?
• Do I trust this person?
• Do we have at least a few things in common?
• Can we have a respectful argument where neither of us puts the other one down?
• Can we have an intelligent debate without it turning into war?
• Am I attracted to this person? Physically, mentally and as a person in general?
• Do I look forward to spending time with this person?
• Does this person have generally the same future goals as me? For example; future children.
• Lastly, can I close my eyes and imagine being with this person years from now?

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Dear Gems from Jen,

Why do men lie about their age?  I personally would like to date an older man.  In my opinion an older, sophisticated man brings much more to the table offering stability and security, as well as goals met. This leaves much room for the successful development of a relationship. Of course, we all come with different baggage, but for me I would welcome a man ten to fifteen years older than myself. But, why would any woman be interested in starting a relationship being mislead. Why do men lie about their age?

Dear Pam,

I wish I had an answer that explained this mystery to you.  People don’t tell the truth for numerous reasons. I do believe our society tends to put the younger crowd on a pedestal. Getting older is looked upon by many as not attractive. I believe with age comes wisdom and a maturity that is very attractive. Not everyone feels this way though.  I agree, older men tend to bring stability to a relationship, but that does not mean younger men do not bring those same qualities to a relationship. I know, for me personally, I would not want to be misled; a lie is just that, a lie. An honest relationship requires being authentic from the very beginning, some people have a harder time at this than others. Do yourself a favor and make certain you put your age requirements in your profile. This way the men who are interested in getting to know you will not feel as they have to embellish the truth about themselves.

Signed,
Gems from Jen

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I have gotten several letters from JDaters inquiring about dating people who are divorced. What about the divorced daters out there? What are the guidelines, rules, and tips?

• Make sure you are over your ex before committing to a new relationship.  If you think about your ex and still feel emotion, whether it is anger or sadness, chances are you haven’t moved on completely.
• Remember, the person/people you are dating might have questions/concerns about the divorce.  Be honest, but only share when you feel ready.
• The person/people you are dating are not your ex.  Comparisons are unfair.
• If you have children, only introduce them to the new person when the two of you have entered into a committed relationship. Anything else can cause your children confusion, anger and hurt. Remember, you are entitled to have a life, but children should come first.
• Lastly, enjoy yourself. Divorce is serious business and can be very draining.  Give yourself permission to live life again.  Staring over can be an exciting journey. Time does heal the wounds and second chances in love are more common than most people really think!

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Dear Gems from Jen,

A while ago, I received the most wonderful Flirt from an American guy. Unfortunately, I pointed out that I’m in Australia (Sydney) and I never got a reply to my message.  How and what do I say in a message to get him to reply to me? He’s probably married by now, but I would like to connect with him.

Dear Distance,

Responding to Flirts is part of the fun when using JDate; however, connecting with someone who lives across the globe can be incredibly difficult. Once this guy realized you lived across an ocean my best guess is he went back to his search.

With that said, go ahead and message him again.  You have nothing to lose. At the very least the two of you could become email friends. Let him know you found him interesting and you realize there is a great distance between the two of you, but you would be curious to find out more. If he does not respond then keep on searching. Your best bet is to look at profiles in your geographical area if you are serious about entering into a long-term relationship.  Good luck and keep me posted.

Signed,
Gems from Jen

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Dear Gems from Jen,

Honestly, I find the blind online dating thing to be a little bit overwhelming. Normally, when you meet someone with whom you want to go out with, you come to that decision after a series of meetings, but on JDate the process is much more accelerated.

Each time that I’ve gone out on a date it’s been with a woman who I corresponded with over a few e-mails and who I find attractive from our e-mails and her photos. Each time, the conversation is good – smiling, laughing, no awkward silences – but the end is a bit of mystery. I hardly know the woman, but I want to see her again. If this were someone who I finally asked out after a period of getting to know her, I would definitely kiss her. But in this situation – where we’ve logged only two hours of face time together – I’m a bit perplexed. Do I kiss her? Do we hug? Do I make plans to get together again?

Is this a common reaction to first dates from other JDaters? What do I do? Thanks.

Dear First Date Confusion,

I definitely understand your confusion! Online dating is not the same as meeting in the outside world.  However, things can and do progress naturally if the two people involved allow it to. It sounds as if your dates aren’t lasting long enough. Try having dates that last an entire evening. This way you can be sure if you are truly interested.
If you want to see someone again why not just ask her? Kissing and/or hugging at the end of a first date, whether it happens from a JDate meeting or an outside meeting is up to each person and how he/she is feeling. How would you handle it if you met without JDate? Go with your gut and make the decision based on how you are feeling. Don’t rush things, and let what happens come naturally. Think of it this way; meeting online can be a rushed process, but use the first date as just that, a first date.

Signed,
Gems from Jen

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I received an email from a guy who was really good-looking. I was so flattered and couldn’t wait to read what he had written. Oh the horror! This man’s grammar left me feeling as if I was reading a foreign language. I responded with ‘Thanks for the email, but I’m not interested.’ This got me thinking.  How important is grammar when utilizing JDate? In my opinion, it is very important.  Don’t get me wrong, the occasional LOL, haha and ellipses are cute, but bad grammar is just a complete turn off.  I want to know I’m dealing with someone who has a brain. Is that too much to ask? My advice, spell check, use the proper to, too, or two.  Nothing is worse than using your instead of you’re, or their instead of there. Please JDaters, do some quick editing before making connections.  You never know, it might be just the thing that will land you the date!

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Dear Gems from Jen,

Any suggestions for those of us living far from other members? I have written to many men who peak my interest, but they live three hours away by car. I am willing to travel to meet them, but just about every time they tell me I sound very interesting, but they don’t want to meet because of the distance. Are there really people who meet despite the distance between them? What makes the difference?

Dear Too Many Miles,

My best suggestion is to keep up the search. Yes, there are people willing to meet even if there is some distance. I do realize there are some people who would prefer the convenience of having a date closer, but that does not necessarily mean you don’t have a shot with at least some of them.  Not being geographically desirable does not make or break someone’s chances.  It might make your pickings a bit slimmer, but if two people are interested in one another it can and does happen.

If you are not getting the responses you desire, try narrowing your search to potential matches that live a bit closer. Don’t give up though. Dating takes time and energy and is usually worth the effort.

 Signed,
 Gems from Jen

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Dear Gems from Jen,

My date keeps looking on JDate. We have met twice, and it seems we have much in common. We both do visual art, and our jobs are fairly retailed. He seems to be a respected business man and well behaved. Should I be anxious about it, confront him and draw the line? Or just go with the flow and make the best out of what he offers and have fun?

Gail

Dear Gail,

Two dates is a nice start, but it does not sound like this is a committed relationship, at least not yet.  My question to you is; how do you know he is continuing to look on JDate? There are only a couple of possible answers. Either you are continuing to look as well, or you are keeping tabs on him.  My suggestion is to slow down, way down. What will confronting him with this information and drawing the line do for you? My best guess is it will make him run and hide and it will cause you to lose any potential you might have with this man. Rushing a relationship does not generally work. Go with the flow and see what develops. It sounds like you are off to a great start. Take your time and enjoy the experience of getting to know this guy. Keep your profile on JDate and continue dating until you have entered into an exclusive relationship. Have some fun with your dating experiences.

 Signed,
 Gems from Jen

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Dear Gems from Jen,
Here is my profile description — it’s not getting a flood of responses.  Can you tell me why or what to do to improve it?
_______________
I am a Jewish secular humanist who believes in a human-driven ethical code, rather than in any kind of deity. Still believe in peace and love and working for a more just and humane society. Empathy, humility and kindness are most important to me when considering a potential partner. I am drawn to the arts, particularly music and painting, and I love to read in my spare time, especially poetry and history. I seek a compatible partner — must be politically progressive (e.g., liberal democrat — I am a big fan of Bernie Sanders but you don’t have to be). Basically, I am looking for someone who is in some way an activist — someone who has compassion for the struggles of the poor and disenfranchised. Basically seeking an educated, humane, giving person who is a reader, a thinker, and someone with a compatible world view.

Dear Secular Humanist,

I really enjoyed reading your profile description.  It sounds like you are passionate about your beliefs and look for the good in all. I think your profile does a great job of describing who you are. Perhaps you could add some specifics about what it is you can offer to a relationship.  Your profile definitely states who you are and what you are passionate about, but it lacks what you can offer to a potential romantic partner. Specifically, what it is you can give one on one, not to the entire world.  How do you stand out in terms of a partner from the next profile? Consider adding some of these specifics to your JDate profile and see what happens.

Have you emailed or Flirted with people on JDate that interest you? Spend a few minutes a day looking at profiles and reach out to those who spark your interest.  Remember, everyone has their preferences and just because you are not getting a flood of responses does not mean that there is anything wrong with your profile.

 Signed,
 Gems from Jen

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Dear Gems from Jen,

Online dating is so much different from the real world. In real life, when I meet someone we know each other and the relationship, whether it’s casual or serious, is stable.

With online dating, when a date goes poorly, it just wasn’t meant to be. Sometimes though, the relationship develops rapidly and the girl will completely offer herself in every way imaginable and call non-stop. Then, suddenly, a few days after the climax of this infatuation (which for the record, I don’t initiate as I’m one to work slowly), the girl suddenly ends it on a dime with little explanation.

I know women change their minds a lot, but is there anything I can do to curb this from happening? Or is there a way to be able to get an initial sense of which girls are emotionally unstable before I become emotionally invested?

Dear Change Of Heart,

The real world is just that, real. Meeting people online can feel real, but it isn’t real until two people actually meet.  I can’t speak for all women, but my best guess is the ones that you have met that seem to fall hard and fast are looking for someone to live up to a fantasy.  This, by the way, is impossible for anyone to do.

Going slow is the best course of action and if that is what tends to come naturally to you, then you need to make sure that you are setting firm boundaries for yourself in these relationships. Once you sense a girl is becoming infatuated too quickly, put on the brakes.  Let her know you will only move slowly. If she persists, tell her in no uncertain terms that you will not enter into something quickly. If she doesn’t get the hint then you will know very early on this girl was not meant for you.

Signed,
 
Gems from Jen

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