Archive for the ‘Online Dating’ Category

The other day, I checked out some profiles of some real dogs. As in the type that like to kiss you before getting to know you. I’m talking about the many women whose pics feature their adorable pooches.

Since when do dogs need Jdate to get action? Why do you think one dog year equals seven human ones? They’re out there having seven times more fun than we’re having! Okay, I’m having. I can’t just go out and start sniffing around somebody to let them know I’m interested in a dalliance. I have to be subtler. I need to make money.

You don’t see my mug horning in on canine dating sites, do you? They all write the same thing: “I don’t bite.” Real original. What do the dogs who aren’t attracted to the dogs there call them, humans?

Look, I’m a dog lover from way back. I grew up with dogs. I don’t mean to sound bitter. It’s just that… I need some petting too!

You’ve seen the perfect match on JDate. Talk about it all you want. You’ve started talking to that match. Slowly stop talking about it to your friends. You went on one awesome date with a new prospect. Talk about it a little. You started a new relationship. Don’t talk about it. You’re officially in a new relationship. Start talking all you want. You are single again and looking. Talk about it, go it out of your system and then get back on the market. Don’t dwell on your singleness or why you’re single and don’t start talking about a relationship before it happens. It’s hard to not want to brag about a new prospect but sometimes it’s better to keep it to yourself until there’s actually something to report (or find one good friend to confide in). Enjoy that feeling of being at the beginning of something new and revel in it. And if it doesn’t work out, you’ll have less people to have to recount the break-up to.

After being on JDate for a long enough time, I can’t help but be cynical about every single profile I read. The phrase, “I’m a down to earth girl” may have one time had a meaning. This meaning was probably really nice and pleasant and implied only good things. Today, however, that phrase means absolutely nothing. It’s also annoying. What is ‘down to earth’? Of course, it’s not supposed to be taken literally. Or is it?

Okay, assuming it has nothing to do with a woman’s gravitational force and its relationship with the earth, what else is left? I suppose it implies friendliness. Down to earth. It could mean that you are able to cut through the bull. You don’t deal with superficialities. You’re not just skin deep. You’re a straight shooter. Oh no! I can’t even describe a cliché without using another cliché!

Alright, so I can’t really describe why I hate ‘down to earth’, and I don’t really know why I hate it. But I do. I hate it so much. I’m assuming that since you decided to describe yourself without simply posting a promiscuous picture with no words that you’re ‘down to earth’. Actually, all you have to do is write words. Any words at all. And any man will automatically assume that you are down to earth. It is completely implied. Don’t worry. Also, I’m not speaking for myself, but some men enjoy women who are not down to earth. Some men like aesthetics and pageantry. They seek an old-fashioned courtship, aside from the fact they are hypocrites because they are seeking it on the internet. Guys are just horrible.

There will probably come a point, during your online JDate dating adventure, when you grow somewhat tired. It’s past 2 am. You’ve been at your computer for eight hours straight. You’ve been chatting with girls, reading the hilarious and sometimes touching JBlog, and doing other ancillary JDate-related activities like reading JMag or playing the JGames or using the JCalculator.

The television has been on for hours, but you hadn’t realized that it’s still on until you finally notice that the conversation you’ve been having via instant message with a nice, Jewish girl in Milwaukee is a word-for-word replica of the Insanity Workout informercial that’s been playing since Comedy Central stopped its nighttime programming at midnight. “So you’re saying that all I have to do is run in place uphill as fast as I can for five hours a day, and I will lose five pounds in just one year?” I ask her. “Who are you?” she replies.

Okay so the point that I’m trying to make here is that it’s late and you’re tired. Though chatting online with nice women is fun, sometimes you need to go out. Since it’s the middle of the night, ‘going out’ could simply mean using the restroom or getting more soda. Really, though, I think that women can sense the fact that you’ve been on the computer for a third of a day, and that you do this on a regular basis. Women are born with an innate sense of, well, sense. That’s why, though JDate is great, you should go out sometimes. Or buy a book about dating. Or both.

Your photos are old. Your photos don’t look like you. You haven’t taken a good photo since you created your JDate profile. You haven’t snapped a shot of yourself with your new facial hair/bangs/without your braces/clear skin/etc. Forget the reasons, forget the excuses, it’s time.

Go freshen up. Shave. Put on make up. Brush your hair. Whatever you need to do to look your best.

Grab your cell phone.

Go to the mirror.

Start snapping photos from different angles, with different lighting, making different facial expressions. Keep snapping away. Don’t stop snapping. Now go upload those photos to your laptop and send them ALL to one trusted friend/relative.

Pick a few that you like the best and compare with the ones your friend likes the best. Whichever are the ones that overlap, use them as your JDate photos.

Do it now.

Wouldn’t it be comforting if in-person chatting on that all-important first date provided the safety nets and assurances of texting and online chatting? Namely emoticons. If I tell you a little about myself, and you say it’s interesting, how am I to know you really meant it, unless you utter it with conviction? Here’s how: If, after you say it, you tilt your head to the side and flash a big grin… : ) If it’s good enough for our computer screens, why not our naked eyeballs? (Hot first date. At least our eyeballs can get naked.)

Think of all the benefits. Aside from being able to scout out the other first daters at Starbucks® by virtue of their cocked heads, by date’s end, we’d have a firmer understanding of how things actually went. If one of us says, “I’ve gotta get going,” one imagines the go-getter isn’t exactly rushing home to input the event in their diary. (That’s a prehistoric blog.) But if after the remark, they turn sideways and grimace… : ( … that can only mean they’re sad about calling it a day!

We needn’t restrict person to person emoticons to first dates. Even after the relationship kicks into high gear and the couple wages its first inevitable tiff, a carefully placed head and goofy grin can take back an attack before it does irreparable damage:

“You loser, I wish I never met you!” Tilt head. Smile. Awww.

Goodbye twenty-eleven (finally!), hello 2012. Some of us have made our resolutions, some of us have recycled last year’s, and all of us (hopefully, or that’d just be weird) on this site are still single and looking to find and keep this year’s love.

So what is it that you are doing differently this year to get a different result? Are you still looking in the same places (online or otherwise) and clicking the same profiles of men and women that look the same? Do you find yourself sharing the same stories or details on a first date and then not getting to a second? (Do you see a pattern here!)

When it comes to the dating service I offer, most new clients are shocked at the types of questions I asked to base my matching criteria on. Initially, they just want me to find them the “same person” they’ve recently ended things with or “their type”, but that always changes when I ask – hasn’t that type of person not worked out for you? Try something new.

The same advice to you, my JDaters, try something new.

Have a question? E-mail Mel here.

Let’s just say Kabbalah and the Mayan calendar are correct and the world is going to end this year. Okay, that’s absurd, but let’s say you were to live your life AS IF the world was going to end and you took advantage of each day as if it were your last. What would you do? If I were you, I’d want to fall madly, deeply, in love (I’m lucky enough that I already am, but if I weren’t…). I’d put it all on the line, stop wasting people’s time and tell it like it is. I wouldn’t be afraid to say what I mean and mean what I say. I would blast my status on Facebook and wear a shirt that says “Jewish and Single — Are You My Beshert?” I would seize the day and not stall any longer.

Your world could end at any moment. This isn’t a hypothetical. Log on. Complete your profile. Flirt, Click, Wink, Email, Instant Message, do whatever it takes to let your crushes know that you are interested! Why wait? There really isn’t a good excuse.

Here’s the kind of profile I steer clear of…

“Don’t lie about your height. If you have issues with your mother, I don’t want to hear from you. That means you’ll have issues with me too! Oh, and guys – I’m not your mother. I don’t need a grown kid to baby. I already had a kid.”

I feel like we’ve had our first fight, and we haven’t even met yet. When trying to sell their good side by arguing with you before laying eyes on you, something tells me I don’t want to go near their bad side.

Mutual fun managers should take a page from mutual fund managers: Past performance is no guarantee of future performance. (Okay, premature arguing does guarantee post-mature arguing.) In the case of guys or gals who previously didn’t pass your smell test, don’t think the rest of the guys or gals out there are equally culpable. Maybe we daters should take a page from the airlines and charge fees for excess baggage.

Oh. And I’m five feet eight and a half.