Archive for the ‘Online Dating’ Category

We Made Plans, But No Phone Call, So What’s The Deal?

by Tamar Caspi under Date Night,JDate,Online Dating,Single Life

Dear Tamar,

I have been dating this guy for a month; nothing serious — we went out for lunch last Monday, on Tuesday we exchanged a few texts and kind of made plans for Saturday… but he never confirmed and now it’s Thursday and I still haven’t heard from him.

What’s the deal?

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Plans Unconfirmed,

The simplest answer is that it’s likely he’s not into you anymore. I know that sucks to hear, but a guy who likes you is confirming plans, contacting you between dates and wanting to make sure he is on your mind.

That said, it’s only been two days and he could still call to confirm plans tonight. It’s not too late for him to call for a Saturday night date, but if you accept… do so with your guard up. Or, better yet, tell him you made other plans when you didn’t hear from him, but would love to schedule something for next week.

Be prepared to not hear from him again, and then get back on JDate and keep making connections.

P.S. If he texts or calls next week I strongly urge you to ignore it (unless you just want to hook up), it’s likely he is only making contact because he’s bored and wants to see if you’re still interested. Don’t expect his feelings towards you to suddenly have changed; you’ll only end up disappointed once again.


Extreme Profile Makeover: “Feeling Invisible”

by Tamar Caspi under JDate,Monday Makeover,Online Dating,Single Life

Dear Tamar,

What does it take to get noticed? I am pretty secure and confident. I know I have a lot to offer – how can I convey it?

-Feeling Invisible _________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Invisible,

Your profile does convey a secure and confident woman who has a lot to offer, so job well done! That said, there are a few things I can suggest to spice it up and get noticed.

  1. First, you need a better main profile picture. I love all of the photos of you traveling and that you captioned them, but your main photo is fuzzy, and the passion and joy I see in your other photos is not coming through.
  2. You reference visiting your son abroad, perhaps address your divorce and children in one sentence by answering it under “A Brief History of My Life.” You only answer four questions, which is fine, but you are missing some pertinent biographical information about how you came to be this secure, well-rounded woman.
  3. Finally, you leave a lot of questions unanswered along the right hand side of the profile, in the “Her Details” section. It’s easy enough to answer what color eyes and hair you have, as well as custody situation, if you keep kosher, if you drink, and how active you are. You should also answer what you studied or what area you worked in prior to retiring. Otherwise you come across as having a lot to hide, which is not what I think you are trying to do.

I think you’re pretty close to a truly great profile. By adding a great profile picture I think you will be well on your way to getting noticed!


Food, Mood & Attitude

by Caryn Alper under Date Night,JDate,Judaism,Online Dating,Single Life

Gluten-free, vegan, peanut allergy, lactose intolerant, plant-based, low carb, high carb, paleo, oreo, pescatarian, vegetarian… does anyone eat “normally” anymore? And what does this mean when you just want to take someone out to dinner without a list of food and health conditions to consider?

Eating habits are pretty personal, yet food plays such a big role in our social lives.  So it’s inevitable that the strictly kosher girl will be invited to a treyf BBQ joint by an unknowing suitor.  Or an otherwise awesome date leads to a stroll to the ice cream parlor, panicking the severely lactose intolerant guy.  These things happen. And normally it’s not a big deal – people are generally accommodating and understanding these days about special diets or food considerations. But, how these gastronomic road blocks are handled says a lot about both the special eater and the accommodator.

I hate to break it to you, but broadcasting your food preferences can sound picky and annoying. Spending 20 minutes to explain to a waitress how you don’t like your food to touch, that you want all of your sauces served on the side, and that you want 7 substitutions doesn’t look attractive on a date.

57019411Ok, these examples might sound silly, but what if you have a more common constraint, like you can’t eat anything with nuts, or you don’t like vegetables? You’ve agreed to meet someone for a first date, but you’re very aware of your unique diet – what do you do?  In this case, quietly inform your server of your needs or just order something that you like. Unless you have a serious health concern, there is no need to announce your special case to anyone who is not preparing your food, and certainly not to someone you’re hoping to impress. Not a big drinker? It’s ok to order a coke at the bar. It’s not ok to explain that you aren’t drinking because you were sick for 2 days after last weekend’s bender. Keep kosher? This is one situation where it makes sense to inform your date of your dietary needs in advance. Same for other restrictions where you may not be able to find what you need at a typical restaurant. But don’t make a fuss about it – suggest meeting for coffee or a non-food event for your first meeting.

On the other hand, what if you’re the one who eats everything in sight, but find yourself sitting across from a really cute, funny vegan? Same advice here: Don’t make a big deal about it, especially if the vegan doesn’t. Try not to judge. And don’t belittle someone else for having different eating habits than you. Unless they have realllly ridiculous demands – then you can roll your eyes. Just kidding. Sort of.

Also, profiles exist for a reason – check them for clues! Before picking out a restaurant or place to meet, scan your date’s profile to get a feel for his level of kashrut or her favorite cuisine.  When it doubt, ask.

Remember, differences of any kind involve a dance of accommodation, moderation, and compromise, and food is no exception.  Eating habits may not initially seem like a huge deal in a budding relationship, but when you think about it, we all eat multiple times a day (except for fast days – but those are probably bad days for a date anyway).


Older Adults: An Uncertain Certainty?

by Tamar Caspi under Date Night,JDate,Online Dating,Single Life

Dear Tamar,

I see you are in your thirties, I mention this because — as a woman — you are at a different point in your life than the ladies I am interested in, whose age range is from 50-61. So, I think your perspective will be somewhat different from what I am looking for. In any case, I get the feeling from most of the women I have met that they all claim to know what it is they seek. However, there is a considerable amount of uncertainty that comes along with it, irrespective of what they are saying.

_________________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Uncertain Certainty,

Irrespective of my age, I do think I can shed some light on what you’re experiencing. As anyone gets older, they become more set in their ways and more opinionated about what they do and don’t like. That’s normal. And as they experience life — whether that means many years of dating, or a divorce, or being widowed — people tend to think they know what they are seeking in a partner. Yet, there’s always an insecurity that you may be wrong or could be proven wrong. A woman may believe she could never date or marry a guy who owns a cat, but she doesn’t want to eliminate the possibility that a guy is perfect for her, even with said cat (substitute “cat” for just about anything). So, although the women you date may claim they know what they seek, they want to leave the door open for possibilities.


What Gives?

by Tamar Caspi under Date Night,JDate,Online Dating,Single Life

Dear Tamar,

I am not receiving any interest from men on JDate.  I sent out 8 e-cards and not one response.  My friend suggested that I change my age on the website and perhaps men would be less reluctant to reach out to me. I am determined to leave my correct age because I wouldn’t want to meet someone that opposed to my age without knowing me.  I am pretty, bright, own a business, and happy with my life.  What gives?

______________________________________________________________________________

Dear What Gives,

I agree with your friend about keeping your true age on your profile. You would be better off having your friend critique your photos and profile answers or sending me your profile name for me to give you an Extreme Profile Makeover. In the meantime, make sure you talk about being “young at heart” or “looking and feeling younger than [your] age” in your profile to combat the age issue and concern about reluctance from men.

Then, try some other techniques instead of relying on e-cards. Make sure you are viewing your prospects regularly so that they know you are interested, add them to your Favorites list, and then possibly initiate an email conversation. Again, you may not get a response but it may not be personal — it could be that the person is not a paid member and can’t read their messages. The only way to combat this is by playing the numbers game, meaning the more prospects you have the better the chance you will receive emails and responses.


Do You Expect Respect or Demand It?

by Tamar Caspi under JDate,Online Dating,Relationships,Single Life

I was chatting with an ex-boyfriend recently, just catching up on where life has taken us since we last spoke 10 years ago, when he mentioned that our timing was bad when we had dated way back when. My recollection was way different. He was a total jerk who stomped on my heart. Forgive and forget, sure, but I don’t ever really forget.

Interestingly, I am able to take responsibility for a part of it 10 years later. Why? Because I allowed him — and other boyfriends or guys I dated — to treat me disrespectfully. What does that mean? It means I didn’t put my foot down or even run the other way when I didn’t like how they were treating me — not calling when they said they would, canceling on dates, not being totally forthright, not giving me the commitment I desired, etc., — therefore I allowed it. I can see now that many of the experiences I had could have been prevented had I demanded respect. Sure, I expected respect, but clearly not enough. It must be demanded and in this case, actions (walking away from the situation for good) speak louder than words (saying “you’re being disrespectful,” but not leaving, and therefore allowing it).

Perhaps it was an age thing; I was in my 20s. Or perhaps it’s a gender thing. Or maybe it was the type of guy I was going for and the hope that I could tame a bad boy. Likely it was a combination of all of the above. Many young women are so afraid of being dumped, or being alone, or not having the guy come running after you as you walk out the door, or we place our value in who we are dating, that we don’t say anything. We hope it was a fluke, or a one-off, or that they will grow to respect you more.

The truth is that we need to respect ourselves — men and women of all ages — more, and value our worth more, in order to understand why certain behavior is not acceptable and to walk away. Keep walking away until someone comes along who respects you, values you and believes you are worthy.


Extreme Profile Makeover — “Shari”

by Tamar Caspi under JDate,Monday Makeover,Online Dating,Single Life

Today Tamar is giving a few profile tips for JDater Shari:

Hi Shari,

I really love everything you wrote in your profile. It flows well, you didn’t over-share, there were no typos, and it read as a very complete profile in a very attractive way. Bravo to you!

Your pictures are another story. You don’t need 12 photos and it is really easy for me to eliminate and reorder, but I want to teach you why. I’ve made a few notes for each of your photos in the following list; the number in parenthesis is how I would order them.

1. MAIN PROFILE PHOTO
Between 2 people, in red blouse, nice photo! (2)

2. Super close-up, TOO close-up! DELETE

3. Headshot, red top, great makeup! MAKE PROFILE PHOTO! (1)

4. On a boat, in sweats and sunglasses, not necessary — DELETE

5. Selfie in full length mirror — DELETE, no selfies!

6. In a tank top, cuddling a doggie, super cute! (3)

7. Selfie in bathroom mirror — DELETE, no selfies!

8. With your cousin, cute — COULD KEEP OR DELETE (6)

9. Black dress with bridge behind — COULD KEEP OR DELETE (5)

10. Green top with unidentified person — COULD KEEP OR DELETE, BUT YOU NEED A CAPTION (7)

11. Black outfit on TV show set, cool pic! (4)

12. Repeat of #1 — DELETE

I don’t know if 8, 9, OR 10 are keepers because your hair looks different than the first few pics. It’s also different in 11, but it’s not a close-up so it’s not as obvious. If your hair is super curly but you wear it straight sometimes, then you may want to caption photo 9 (which is becoming #5) and say “I’ve actually got super cute ringlets and love the versatility of wearing my hair au natural or straight.” Jewish girls get ribbed a lot for their stereotypical curly hair so it’s cute to just be open about the fact that your hair is not always going to be straight and own it!

To learn more about choosing the right photos for your JDate profile, check out www.HowToWooAJew.com.


Extreme Profile Makeover — “Jane”

by Tamar Caspi under JDate,Monday Makeover,Online Dating

Today Tamar is giving a few profile tips for JDater Jane:

Hi Jane,

You’ve got a full profile so we’ve got a lot to get to. Let’s start from the top. Not in love with your username, but I’m assuming it’s your Hebrew name so it’s a unique take. You have so many interests that I think you could switch up and even use a variation of your email address “SeeJaneBake.”

You have 10 photos, which is okay, but unnecessary. #10 (your nephew’s Bar Mitzvah) is the best! Make it your profile photo. Keep the original #1 in the second slot, make the dog pic the third photo, and the black and white photo your fourth. Finally, put the Halloween hat as fifth and eliminate the rest. If you can take or find a photo that shows your body style then add it as sixth pic. The others are out of focus, or simply not as flattering.

Beginning with your “About Me” — you started off well, but ended on a less than positive note. Your first paragraph is okay, but I suggest deleting the second paragraph. I understand that dating is frustrating and that not receiving a response to an email is irritating, but your JDate profile is not the place to vent or lecture. Instead, I’d move part of your paragraph from “A Brief History of My Life” to this section, but toned down somewhat. “Call me Calamity Jane… I’ve experienced more tragedy than most people do in a lifetime, but I’m still standing. I’m a survivor and I’m proud. What does not kill you makes you stronger and I’ve also managed to keep a smile on my face along with a positive attitude through it all.”

I like your attitude about your divorce and about your past. Your age range is decent — 50-65 is good for a 58-year-old. Perhaps pushing it up three years would be beneficial — 53-68. I believe reordering your photos, spicing up your profile name, and editing your paragraphs to be simpler and more positive will translate into more contact by great prospects!

To learn more about revamping your profile visit www.HowToWooAJew.com.


Life In Flux

by Tamar Caspi under Date Night,JDate,Online Dating,Single Life

How do you date when your life is in flux? You could be between jobs, between homes, in the midst of a divorce, or all three. Some would say you may not want to be dating until you have some stability, but if you want to continue dating, then do so, just do it with grace. What does that mean?

Don’t let your life’s clutter invade your JDate profile or your time on the date. Try to focus on the positive things you have going on in your life and wait until a relationship is progressing before getting into it further.

If you are having a difficult time putting your best foot forward then perhaps you ought to wait until your life has a bit more consistency before dating actively. Peruse JDate and use the hot prospects as motivation to get your sh** together.


Common Interests = Compatibility?

by Caryn Alper under Date Night,JDate,Online Dating,Single Life
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Does it really matter if your date is also into basket weaving?

Let’s say you are really into underwater basket weaving, Italian renaissance art, and roller skating. And you’re perusing JDate profiles and see someone who is also really interested in basket weaving (sometimes underwater, sometimes not), Italian renaissance art, and roller skating. Could it be? Have you finally located your soul mate?

After all this time, have you found the one person destined to fulfill all of your hopes and dreams? Probably not. Might you have more to talk about on the first date with this person than someone who has no common interests? Yes, probably. But having several common interests with someone does not guarantee that you will get along! In fact, it guarantees, well, nothing more than you both like the same things.

It’s easy especially if you have unique or specific interests to mistake the excitement of enjoying the same things for long-term compatibility and commitment. Or, if you really like someone, it’s easy to be amazed at how coincidental it is that you BOTH LIKE TV and DOGS! What are the odds?

But in my experience, general activities and interests are somewhat shallow. What you like to do, in my opinion, says only so much about you. How you like to spend your time, your tolerance for trying new things, and your willingness to do what your partner wants to do – these are all more indicative of relational compatibility. For example, you might like going to the ballet, and a new guy you are dating might really like going to basketball games. This distinction in and of itself isn’t important. But does he listen when you talk about your favorite ballet, or is he checking the score on his phone? Is she willing to go with you to the Knicks game and at least pretend to pay attention? These kinds of questions are much more important to ask when assessing compatibility. The fact that you both have a brother or you both like classic music means little more than both having brown hair.

Although common interests might not be a predictor of long-term relationship success, JDate knows what they are doing. Profiles include interests for a good reason, even if the reason is not to instantly match up destined partners. See someone with a the same hobby as you? Awesome – send a mention and reference the activity! Both like mini golf? Sounds like you have an easy first date suggestion. Does a cute guy say he is into krav maga and you don’t know what it is? There’s an instant excuse to send a message – ask him! Oh, and this goes without saying, but don’t pretend to know all about something that you don’t unless you are currently on a sitcom.

So remember – common interests are great and provide a useful way to initiate contact with someone. But they don’t mean anything more than what they are.