Archive for the ‘Relationships’ Category

A Healthy Jealousy

by Tamar Caspi under Date Night,Online Dating,Relationships,Single Life

In general, jealousy is an ugly trait. When you recognize jealousy within yourself, it typically is an indication of your own insecurities. Unfortunately most people don’t make that connection… which is why jealousy is generally unhealthy.

But, every so often, jealousy can be healthy. Healthy jealousy is that feeling you get when you didn’t notice how hot your date looks (and didn’t give them a compliment either), but catch others checking them out with admiration. At first you may get pissy and feel that others are disrespecting you by checking out your date right in front of you — that’s the jealousy. But then you realize that your date is hot and they deserve to know you think so — that’s the healthy part.

Sometimes it takes that little bit of that green-eyed monster to help you appreciate what you have sitting right in front of you.


Libations and Loose Lips

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships,Single Life

I recently introduced two friends at a party who I thought might hit it off. Did I think they would get married one day? No. But, of the few singles that were there, I felt they would enjoy each other’s company most and have a nice conversation.

I stayed with them for a while because I didn’t want them to feel any pressure of having to click, and if I sensed either of their discomfort I could abort the mission without anyone being the wiser. And that I did. Why? Because my friend Jonathan was a bit too buzzed and was revealing some inappropriate information. What is a normally witty and interesting man became one who was obnoxious. When he mentioned his ex-wife, it turned into a long-winded rant about his former mother-in-law. When the topic of new restaurants came up, it turned into an anger-filled vent about a recent experience with a bad waiter. Then he started making comments about my friend’s appearance in ways he likely thought were flattering, but came out very offensive. And all of this in a loud voice. Needless to say, it wasn’t going well and I excused both my girlfriend and I to go shmooze with others. I apologized for his behavior and was embarrassed for the both of us.

The moral of the story? Don’t drink too much if you can’t control yourself. Know your limit. If you’re saying things you shouldn’t after a few drinks then think of what other poor choices you may make.


Mixing Up Your Mileage

by Tamar Caspi under JDate,Judaism,Online Dating,Relationships,Single Life

One of the preferences JDate asks you about is “Located Within” a certain number of miles from your city. If you live in a large city then you can likely select “50 miles” and have many prospects to choose from. If you live in a smaller city or town, then you possibly need to expand your mileage to 100 miles. I strongly suggest you do this, even if you live in a rather large city. A friend of mine in Southern California is engaged to a man in Northern California — which seems far, but is just a short flight away. They make it work, most people wouldn’t have even bothered looking so far away.

On the other hand, if you live in a large city and can’t find anyone worthwhile, perhaps your other preferences are too strict? Are your standards too high? Is there something about you that you could work on to better attract the prospects in your mileage range? You can’t always point the finger at what you consider to be poor prospects, sometimes you have to look at yourself first. Then again, after playing Jewish Geography and finding out that you pretty much know everyone in your immediate area, then you shouldn’t hesitate to extend your parameters and perimeters.


Matters of the Heart

by Tamar Caspi under Date Night,Online Dating,Relationships,Single Life

When it comes to matters of the heart,  every person will have a different viewpoint. People like to spew all sorts of cliches:

  • “I knew he was ‘The One’ the moment I laid eyes on him, and you should get that feeling too”
  • “Love is blind and doesn’t see color, religion, or money”
  • “Love is easy, and if it’s too hard, then it’s not true love”

Just because one couple had a successful relationship after falling in love at first sight, or being a different race and believing in a different G-D, or never fighting, doesn’t mean that’s how it should be for you. In fact, those couples are the exception — not the rule. When it comes to matters of the heart, there’s only one cliche that counts: follow your heart.


Eye Gunk, Cotton Mouth, and Other Yuckiness

by Tamar Caspi under Date Night,Relationships,Single Life

Do you remember that episode of Friends when Chandler complains about Rachel’s boss’s eye gunk? You know, the mascara that gathers in the corners of women’s eyes after a long day? Many men complain to me how much it grosses them out. That, and the raccoon eyes women get from their eyeliner and mascara in the pool or shower. Unfortunately this is another thing that women have to think about when they’re dating.

What about that white stuff that gathers in the corners of your lips when you have cotton mouth? Ew! Or the boogers that you can’t figure out how to get rid of without digging for gold? Ew! How about those razor bumps or zits that seem to appear out of nowhere? There is so much to have to deal with when you’re dating because you don’t want your prospect to see you looking less than perfect — or even worse, being grossed out by something and getting the Ick Factor! Ironically, this is often the stuff you stop caring about as soon as you’re in a committed, long-term relationship!


Is Honesty the Best Policy?

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

People often say that their #1 priority in a relationship is honesty, but is honesty the best policy?

In general, of course, you should always tell the truth. But, there are some little white lies that are acceptable when you’re just beginning to date. But what about once you’re in a serious relationship? Is it okay to bend the truth to protect someone’s feelings or is the truth always best? Sometimes being honest will make you feel vulnerable, but trying to bury how you feel will only make things worse in the long run. Trust your loved one to be truthful with them.

Are there any types of lies that you think are acceptable when you’re in a relationship?


Do You Have a Back-Up Plan?

by Tamar Caspi under JDate,News,Relationships,Single Life

According to a survey by the Daily Mail, half of all women have a back-up husband in place, just in case. This is not a new idea, but to think that 50% of women who are currently married have put more than a little thought into who they would marry next if their marriage didn’t work out, is astonishing!

I’d like to think that we marry someone because we believe we have found our soulmate, our other half, the one we can’t live without, the one who completes/complements us, and that even when things are tough, we don’t resort to thinking about who is still available should the marriage end. Alas, half of women do just that. I suppose it’s a type of coping mechanism to feel that you have other options should you find yourself single again. I did just that when I knew my marriage was irreparable, but I also came to a point where I knew I would be better off alone than in that marriage, and that’s when I had the confidence to leave. And then I started perusing JDate to see who was out there…


Start New, Start Now

by Tamar Caspi under Date Night,JDate,Judaism,Relationships,Single Life

I believe in any excuse to commit to bettering yourself — whether it be January 1st or the Jewish New Year, the start of the school year or your birthday — find any excuse to start being a better you now.

The High Holy Days are a great time to do so since you get the opportunity to repent and redeem yourself. When you’re reading the alphabet of sins, and are able to unfortunately connect with a few of them (admit it, it’s way more than just a few!), then make a promise to yourself to be better starting now.

Stop judging prospects based on their bad photos or typos, stop speaking badly about others and gossiping about your dates or others in the community, stop lying and deceiving others whether in your profile or in person. And of course there are so many more ways to become a better person, don’t wait for December 31st… start now!


When Life Throws You a Curveball

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

After writing about gender roles in “Married at First Sight: The Finale,” I started to think about what happens when your partner changes their mind after you’ve made the ultimate commitment. What happens when life throws you a curveball? What if a previously egalitarian-touting partner realizes he or she wants stereotypical gender roles once you’ve set up house? What if your significant other proposes, but then decides he or she doesn’t want to ever exchange vows? What if your spouse decides he or she no longer wants to have any children, or wants to limit the number of children to lower than what you previously discussed? Are any of these relationship-ending decisions? Should one half of a couple be able to make a decision on behalf of both of them?

My suggestion would be to seek therapy for impartial advice from a neutral party and to be open to compromise. Typically, something has happened in that person’s life to make them suddenly change their mind. But you can also ask hard questions while you’re dating and look for certain signs along the way. If a man says he believes women are equal and that he will contribute to household chores, see how he treats female waitstaff in a busy restaurant. If your man proposes, but avoids the topic of setting a date, then think about whether or not you need that piece of paper. If you don’t have kids or if you’re not sure if you want more, then “borrow” (babysit) a friend or family member’s kid(s) for a weekend (they will be indebted to you for the mini-vacation!) to see how you are able to handle it for more than a few hours. You may be surprised that you find yourself not wanting more kids either, or it could be a total deal-breaker because you can’t imagine not becoming a parent.

No one should make any major life decisions without consulting their significant other, but when that does occur, don’t be afraid to seek help.


Married at First Sight — The Finale

by Tamar Caspi under Date Night,Entertainment,Relationships

I first mentioned the show Married at First Sight back in July when it premiered on the fyi, network. After 5 weeks the couples had to decide to stay together or divorce. Then this past week they caught up with the three couples five months later (six months after the met) to see where they were, how they were doing, and what they thought after watching the show air.

Of the three couples, two decided to stay together and are still together to this day. The third had a difficult time getting along from the start and chose to divorce. They were the oldest couple, they were the only couple to consummate their marriage before their wedding night, and they were the only couple not to get a new residence, choosing instead to move into the wife’s existing apartment. None of these were necessarily the reasons they split up, of course, but it is worth mentioning the differences between them and the other couples.

There were a few items that stood out to me about the only couple who failed in this social experiment: as the oldest couple they were each more independent and set in their ways than the other couples; although they had great physical chemistry, they acted on it before establishing any trust or even a friendship; they had a difficult time communicating and each became very defensive when being criticized; and finally, they wanted vastly different types of relationships: he desired more stereotypical gender roles — while she did not. This is a fundamental difference of opinion — a clear incompatibility — and a topic that needs to be discussed on one of the first few dates.