Archive for the ‘Relationships’ Category

Dear Gems from Jen,

Riding a bike. It’s been nine years and I thought I was finally going to be off this site forever.  He was a real charmer, gave great lip service and I was a fool to let him slide when his words didn’t match his actions..  I guess it’s easy when you’re told what you want to hear, “You’re 99% perfect for me” and “The right one.” I wanted a stable situation and long-term happiness, one where I wasn’t one isn’t “all that” in the morning and “too needy” by nightfall.
I fell into another abusive relationship, I started having  doubts in February…He broke my heart.
I tell myself this time it’s over for good.  I’m even back on JDate, yet my heart still wants to be with him because I know all the good there is in him (his past wounds are still too much for him to conquer).
What’s wrong with me?  Why would I hang onto a man who is probably nothing more than a bad drug addiction.
I know each day it’ll get better.  Just how is it that an intelligent girl (as I am) can be such a fool when it comes to men?

Really down right now.

Dear Bike Rider,

Sometimes our fantasies outweigh our realities. I know how difficult this can be.  Our minds keep playing over and over the good qualities and we tend to block out the negative qualities. There is nothing wrong with you. You are not a fool; you are human and just let the wrong guy in.  I don’t know anyone who hasn’t had this experience.  You fell into a trap that many of us have fallen into. When someone seems too good to be true, they usually are. Charm and seduction are hard qualities to let go of. Sometimes it is better to be ruled by our heads rather than our hearts. It sounds as if you know what is best for you and it is not this guy.  Give yourself time to learn the lessons you need to learn from this relationship. It’s alright to feel the way you are feeling.  Take comfort in knowing it will not be like this forever. Sometimes we have to experience the bad to recognize the good, so when the right person does come along we are ready and grateful.

Signed,
Gems from Jen

Bookmark this:

An old friend reached out to me this week expressing he had always had a crush on me but felt the timing wasn’t right for one reason or another. But now, though normally he would be shy and not express himself, he is trying the “George” (Costanza fictional character from the sitcom Seinfeld) and doing the opposite. For me, I truly applaud this thinking/behavior. Why wouldn’t you say how you feel and what is on your mind?  I get the whole “risk and rejection is not fun” theory.  But, on one hand, you have the status quo which is apparently not where you want to be. Shaking that up by articulating your desires, can only change the scenario for the better (potentially a happily ever after) or, at a minimum, give you the information you need to not waste your time and move forward. That being said, and admittedly this is sexist comment, I’m not sure I would encourage the same forthrightness by my women friends.  Despite the huge strides in the women’s movement, I believe there is a romantic ideal – call me traditional and old fashioned – that men do the pursuing and courting when it comes to romantic relationships. Women should flirt no doubt, but it is my experience that men (and their egos) generally give them enough of a “George” to go after so they aren’t at risk of letting him slip by.

Bookmark this:

I have gotten several letters from JDaters inquiring about dating people who are divorced. What about the divorced daters out there? What are the guidelines, rules, and tips?

• Make sure you are over your ex before committing to a new relationship.  If you think about your ex and still feel emotion, whether it is anger or sadness, chances are you haven’t moved on completely.
• Remember, the person/people you are dating might have questions/concerns about the divorce.  Be honest, but only share when you feel ready.
• The person/people you are dating are not your ex.  Comparisons are unfair.
• If you have children, only introduce them to the new person when the two of you have entered into a committed relationship. Anything else can cause your children confusion, anger and hurt. Remember, you are entitled to have a life, but children should come first.
• Lastly, enjoy yourself. Divorce is serious business and can be very draining.  Give yourself permission to live life again.  Staring over can be an exciting journey. Time does heal the wounds and second chances in love are more common than most people really think!

Bookmark this:

Over the last several months, I have received quite a few questions concerning long-distance relationships. It can be a great deal of work to maintain a relationship, especially one that has many miles between the two parties, but they can work.  Trust is definitely the major component here and, in my opinion, the most important component.

Trust can be established through communication.  It is vital that the lines of communication remain open and time is spent communicating.  Make sure your partner is your last call of the evening.  Take some time each and every day to send a quick email/text message to let the person know you are thinking of him/her. Don’t keep secrets and don’t do anything you wouldn’t do if your partner was standing directly in front of you. I also believe handwritten letters are a lost art. There is nothing like receiving a letter in your “real” mailbox. Put some time aside a few times a month to write letters to your partner. 

Make time to see the other person.  I realize money might be an issue, but maintaining a relationship does take face-to-face contact. Even if it is only once a month, find the time and money, it is well worth it! 

Signed,

Gems from Jen

Bookmark this:

Sometimes you think you’re over someone.  You take comfort in your current crush and roll with the punches.  Then, you see pictures of your former fling formidably happy with someone else, and, suddenly, sipping endless amounts of Vicodin seems the best way to distract yourself from any other drug of choice.  The question is, why are they happy when you’re ready to slit your wrists?  And even the thought of stitching yourself up isn’t enough to hold you together when, clearly, you could have made him happier.  So, if the only obstacle was a geographic formality, is there still hope?  Is the one thing missing that grand (albeit expensive) aerial gesture?  No, the fact of the matter is, if he wasn’t willing to fight for you – why fight for him?  Instead, roll with the punches and submit whoever can’t keep up for three rounds.  More than likely, they wanted to give in for a reason.  Attribute that to your chick charm – or ability to intimidate.  Either way, you won the match….

Bookmark this:

 Dear Gems from Jen,

So, I had asked you, earlier on the month, about a situation I had with a guy who had blown me off with no explanation after a great first date and constant texting and calls after. Well, his excuse was he lost his phone and came down with the flu. He apologized and we called a truce and I gave him a second chance which he seemed to be thankful for. Well, we met again for the second time the other night. The whole week prior to the date we texted each other constantly throughout the day and night (which bothered me a bit). I am used to talking on the phone a lot to get to know someone, but I have not dated in eight years so I just figured that texting is what singles are doing nowadays. Anyway, the date went well, we had a great conversation, he showed me pictures of his daughter, we talked about our kids and I was happy that we had met up again. He even commented on how happy he was that I gave him another chance. The date lasted four hours. Before we left the restaurant he told me to text him when I got home to let him know I was ok. I got home, texted him and went to bed.

 The next day I thought it a bit odd that I did not hear from him in the morning so I went about my day. Late in the afternoon, I texted him to say hi and asked how his day was going and I never heard from him again! Wow, do I feel like an idiot for giving this jerk a second chance. I am starting to think he has a girlfriend. Why would someone screw with someone’s head like this? If dating is like this nowadays let me stop right here. Who needs this aggravation and disappointment? That is why I left my husband. Since I am new to dating again please let me know if I did something wrong here…was it giving him a second chance?

Dear What Happened Part II,

Again, I’m sorry this happened to you. Sometimes, it takes us longer to learn the lessons we need to learn. This guy, as you can obviously tell at this point, is not being honest with you. He has a pattern here and if you ever hear from him again my suggestion would be to run the other way! I have no idea what his motives truly are, but he is not the straight-forward person he claims to be.

As for the texting, if this is not a comfortable way of communicating for you let the other person know. No one is a mind reader and you must feel comfortable in order to be fully vested in a relationship.

The only mistake you made was giving this guy a second chance.  We have all done it, so don’t beat yourself up. Just realize he is not the one for you and continue your search.  There really are nice guys out there!

Signed,

Gems from Jen

Bookmark this:

Would you (and be honest) set up a friend of the opposite sex that you were attracted to — but weren’t dating? This was a conversation and predicament that I had with a guy friend recently. This resulted in the theory of the “lay away plan.”  Why would you set up someone if you might want to date them in the future or you knew that doing so would make you jealous? The answer: because the person is a friend, a true friend, and you would like them to be happy and you are willing to be selfless to see that happen. And if you can’t, maybe your friendship isn’t as true as you thought…Or, maybe you should ask them out. Things that make you go hmmm.

Bookmark this:

Jen,

I feel obligated to call after a first date even if I do not want to continue dating the person. What do you recommend I say in such a situation? Do I say “I enjoyed meeting you but I think we should be friends”? Sometimes, I don’t even want to call, but I hear that women don’t like that. Maybe they really don’t want to hear from me again. What do the experts recommend in this situation?

Dear Obligation,

I completely understand your confusion regarding this dilemma. Calling is the polite thing to do. However, I believe you should be honest before the first date even ends.  If you are truly not interested, then do not let your date believe there might be more dates to follow. I do recognize that it is an uncomfortable thing to do, but honesty is the best policy here. Put yourself in your date’s shoes.  Would you want to sit around waiting for a call looking forward to a second date and that time never comes? I know I sure wouldn’t.

Now, with that said, if you did say you were going to call, then call. However, when you make that call be sure to let the woman know you enjoyed meeting her, but you are not interested in pursuing anything more. It takes real courage to let someone down gently and honestly. But, it is the right thing to do. I cannot tell you how many letters I have received on this topic.  The difference was most of these people have been ignored rather than treated with honesty. I’m glad to see there are people like you!

Signed,

Gems from Jen

Bookmark this:

So 56 or so minutes into one of several conversations with current crush the whole “when was your last relationship” topic was brought up. Not a typical aphrodisiac inducing conversation, but neither one of us was ready to back down. So this man of few words said all the right ones without hesitation – either serious relationships, or nothing at all, there is no in between. Now, as a girl who’s entire life consists of only in-betweens, the writer with an ever ready array of witty rapport was left without words. Suddenly, I was face to face with the fact that in-betweens are often unfulfilling and a mere waste of the space continuum, rather than a way to bide time until the next in-between can become the last. I had not been forewarned that the foreplay was about to take a serious turn for the better, but I went with it. After all, in a world with endless options, sometimes you just want “The one.”

Bookmark this:

I distinctly remember one of the first conversations I had with an ex as we walked along the beach in Mexico. He asked, “Do you think the person you marry will be your greatest love?” It was very insightful, so, I pondered this question. My gut instinctual response was: Probably not, but I will marry the best “life partner” for me.  First know, there are few people as corny, cheesy, romantic as I. That said, I am also a realist. These two personality traits often conflict with each another.

I think the adrenaline rushes we got as kids are irreplaceable memories. For example, think of the first time you thought your heart was broken and life would never be the same. Somehow, you managed and moved on. There will be some relationship memories that stick just because they do. The intensity, the passion, the excitement, the differences, the drama, the attraction, and so on… Yet, those people, no matter how deep your love is, may not make the best life partners. So I guess although my answer was instinctual–I think for me, the most important qualities in a life partner are 1) attraction (most agree that is one thing you are not supposed to go out of the marriage for), and  2) someone who you work well with as a team,has a similar outlook on life as you. There will be so many other bumps in the road, so creating drama yourself is not a bonus in the ride of life that said, settling is not an option, no matter how old you are. I guess the answer to everything in life, is the “compromise” between attraction/passion and finding someone you are “in sync” with.

Bookmark this: