Archive for the ‘Relationships’ Category

Dear Tamar: Burned After Moving Too Fast

by Tamar Caspi under JDate,Relationships,Single Life

Dear Tamar,

I am a 65-year-old widower and recently had instant chemistry with a woman. Within days we felt like our relationship was a comfortable old shoe.  The relationship grew quickly — she told me to slow down — I didn’t.  After a few weeks and a few warnings, she terminated the relationship by email.  She refuses to talk or give it another try.  How can I woo her back?

________________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Burned,

I suggest contacting her the same way she broke off the relationship — via email. But first, make sure you truly comprehend what happened to bring an end to the relationship and take ownership of it. It seems from your letter like you understand that she asked you to slow down a number of times and that you didn’t listen, but don’t make excuses to her as to why you didn’t listen.

This letter needs to be about all the amazing things you like about her and how she makes you feel and how you hope to make her feel. Don’t make it all about you; if you want her back then it has to be about her — you already made it about you when you ignored her warnings and kept moving quickly when she wanted to slow down. You need to show her that you now understand where she’s coming from and offer to date her rather than jump back into a serious relationship. She may not want to though and you will have to accept that, but it’s worth a try!


What’s Your Conversational Style? Grade Your Quiz

by Caryn Alper under Relationships

Welcome back!  Last week, I posted a quiz to (unscientifically) determine what type of conversational style you have while on dates.  Today it’s time to grade the quiz. We’re using the honor system here – no cheating!

To score the quiz, count the number of As, Bs, Cs, and Ds you chose.

  • If you chose mostly As…

You are an “interviewer.” You are generally interested in getting the facts upfront and quickly. The who, what, where, and when of your date’s past and future of utmost importance to you, and you’re not afraid to ask the tough questions to get the answers you need. You don’t have time to waste on a date who’s not up to snuff, so if you don’t like what you see, you call in a new candidate.  My advice to the interviewers out there: slow down! You don’t have to decide whether a first date will become your spouse. You just need to decide if you are having a good time in the present moment.

  • If you chose mostly Bs…

You are the “silent type.” Your approach is passive, and you are more comfortable listening than talking. Your confidence may be on the lower end of the spectrum, but that doesn’t mean you can’t make a good impression on a date – remember to smile and practice thinking of some conversation topics to bring up before your date.

  • If you scored mostly Cs…

You are a “chatterbox.”  Always interested in hearing your own voice, you like to talk about anything and everything.  You’re always telling long-winded stories and yakking about yourself and other people. Keep in mind that when you are on a date, you should spend about half the time talking and half the time listening, so chatterboxes of the world, adjust your conversations accordingly.

  • If you scored mostly Ds…

You are the “situational type.” You tend to live in the moment and adapt to the present situation, making observations about things you see, hear, and taste.  You might reference jokes or observations from earlier in the night or tease your date in a playful way. Situationals are fun and put others at ease, but remember that it’s okay to dig a little deeper after the first couple dates.

Accurate? Totally off base? Are you the same type on dates as with friends and family?  Keep in mind that nerves tend to alter our natural conversation pattern.  For example, I’m usually a pretty good listener, but when I’m nervous, I get chatty! Other people shut down when they are feeling anxious and get quiet. My point is to recognize how your speech comes across to the person sitting next to you so that you can maximize the success of connecting with him or her. Happy chatting!


You Can Be Right, Or You Can Be Happy

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships,Single Life

“You can be right, or you can be happy.”

A wise friend told me this phrase recently and it resonated deeply. So many of us are taught to be headstrong, stubborn, with a need so deep to win an argument that we would ruin a relationship in order to be proven right.

It’s not worth it.

It never is. If you know you’re right, just drop it and move on. Apologize and move on. Let go and move on. Who is benefitting from you being right? Only your ego. But everything and everyone else will suffer. Is that worth feeling superior or validated?

This is a lesson I’ve learned much later in life than I would have liked, and I have learned it the hard way… I’m gifting it to you now with the hopes that it will change your relationships — romantic or otherwise — for the better.

 

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Twitter @jewishlove
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Phone Calls Before a First Date

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Once you’ve met on JDate (or any other way) and decide to make plans there will be a certain amount of communication that will be necessary. The trick is to know when to stop that communication.

I recommend just a 10 minute phone call to plan a first date followed by another 10 minute phone call the night before the date to confirm the plans. Why? Because you don’t want to spend too much time on the phone getting to know each other anymore than you actually do already, prior to your first date. Spending hours talking on the phone is exhilarating and exciting but it creates an expectation of someone you haven’t yet met. You’re putting unneeded pressure on yourselves.

You already know so much about each other when you’ve met on JDate — and then you exchange a few emails, and finally you trade phone numbers with the intent on making plans to meet. If you then spend time on the phone getting to know each other even further, you’re in effect turning the first date into a third date due to how much you already know about the other… except you’ve never met.

And what happens if you don’t end up liking each other? Now you’ve not only spent your time on the phone, but you’ve confided things to someone who you may not care to ever see again. You opened up to someone you now don’t even want a second date with. Instead, spend just a few minutes asking how their day/week is going, making plans, and exchanging pleasantries. Tell them how much you are looking forward to the date and how you can’t wait to get to know them better. And then get off the phone. Let the excitement gather along with the suspense of wondering whether or not you will hit it off once you meet face-to-face.

Slow it down. Enjoy the process. And don’t text.

 

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Twitter @jewishlove
Facebook.com/HowToWooAJew


Flirts and Emails That Go Unreplied…

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Hi Tamar,

I have reached out, via a ‘Flirt’ or email, to a few different men.  They open my Flirt/email, but don’t reply. I would love some tips on initiating a better first message.

-“Flirt”

_______________________________________________________________________________

Hi Flirt,

There is a method to the messaging madness. For starters, don’t send an uninitiated Flirt or email. What does that mean? It means not to send a message of any kind before you lay the groundwork. Communication should not come out of left field. View the prospect, check back the next day to see if he viewed you in return.

If he logged in, but did not view, then view him again and check again the following day. If again he logged in, but did not view you, then you can generally assume he isn’t interested. Don’t count him out, but don’t put any more energy into him either.

If the guy did view you back, then go ahead and add him to your Favorites. This is how a guy knows you’re into him.

In the meantime, go ahead and check out who has Favorited you and who has viewed you to see if there is anyone of interest that you can view/Favorite in return. This is on par with making and holding eye contact and then smiling from across a room.

Only after you’ve done this back-and-forth should you go ahead and send a Flirt or email. I suggest giving the guy a day or two to do this himself, as it’s his version of making the first move, but it’s not entirely unfavorable for you to click send first.

If you’re going to send a Flirt then make sure the one you choose either goes along with something that can be connected to your profile or his. I prefer skipping right over to an email, but sometimes a Flirt can be cute! The first email should be short and sweet — “Hi my name is Allison. It’s been fun ‘Flirting’ with you! I can’t believe you also like __________, I’ve never met anyone else who likes them/that. How did you first discover them/that? Hope you’re having a great day!” The line in the middle is to show one of your commonalities and to ask a question in order to garner a response.

All that said, if someone does not have a paid JDate membership then they cannot check their emails. You will be able to figure it out only after sending the email if you see that they’ve logged in, but not opened the email. Don’t take it personally. Most people do end up paying when their inbox starts to fill up. People just can’t resist!

Follow me on Instagram @HowToWooAJew


Are You Standing In Your Own Way?

by Tamar Caspi under Online Dating,Relationships,Single Life

Back to that age-old question… why are you still single?

Sometimes it’s helpful to have a sounding board — be it a therapist, a best friend, or a parent — to talk about your past relationships so they can help you see any patterns along the way. As one of my friend’s says “come join me on the other side of the street” so you can look at yourself from another perspective.

Are you attracted to a certain type who is likely not complementary to you… but you don’t know it? Do you sabotage your relationships and you’re not even aware of it? Do you portray yourself as something different than how other people see you?

If you think you may be standing in your own way of finding love (and everyone is to some capacity), then ask for the brutal truth from a trusted source so you can begin evolving.


The Kind of Love We Should Aspire To

by Tamar Caspi under News,Relationships,Success Stories

This is the post from Sheryl Sandberg, COO of Facebook and author of Lean In, from Tuesday, the day she buried her husband, Dave Goldberg, after his sudden passing.

“I want to thank all of our friends and family for the outpouring of love over the past few days. It has been extraordinary – and each story you have shared will help keep Dave alive in our hearts and memories.

I met Dave nearly 20 years ago when I first moved to LA. He became my best friend. He showed me the internet for the first time, planned fun outings, took me to temple for the Jewish holidays, introduced me to much cooler music than I had ever heard.

We had 11 truly joyful years of the deepest love, happiest marriage, and truest partnership that I could imagine… He gave me the experience of being deeply understood, truly supported and completely and utterly loved – and I will carry that with me always. Most importantly, he gave me the two most amazing children in the world.

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Dave was my rock. When I got upset, he stayed calm. When I was worried, he said it would be ok. When I wasn’t sure what to do, he figured it out. He was completely dedicated to his children in every way – and their strength these past few days is the best sign I could have that Dave is still here with us in spirit.

Dave and I did not get nearly enough time together. But as heartbroken as I am today, I am equally grateful. Even in these last few days of completely unexpected hell – the darkest and saddest moments of my life – I know how lucky I have been. If the day I walked down that aisle with Dave someone had told me that this would happen – that he would be taken from us all in just 11 years – I would still have walked down that aisle. Because 11 years of being Dave Goldberg’s wife, and 10 years of being a parent with him is perhaps more luck and more happiness than I could have ever imagined. I am grateful for every minute we had.

As we put the love of my life to rest today, we buried only his body. His spirit, his soul, his amazing ability to give is still with it. It lives on in the stories people are sharing of how he touched their lives, in the love that is visible in the eyes of our family and friends, in the spirit and resilience of our children. Things will never be the same – but the world is better for the years my beloved husband lived.”

I read these words and am brought to tears by the raw, honest emotions. The kind of love Sheryl is describing is not a love you see every day, but it is the kind of love we should all aspire to have. There’s a reason people say not to settle — and this is why. You need a true partner, someone who believes in you and supports you unconditionally, a person who makes you feel like the luckiest person in the world, and who is also your best friend to top it all off.


Do You Expect Respect or Demand It?

by Tamar Caspi under JDate,Online Dating,Relationships,Single Life

I was chatting with an ex-boyfriend recently, just catching up on where life has taken us since we last spoke 10 years ago, when he mentioned that our timing was bad when we had dated way back when. My recollection was way different. He was a total jerk who stomped on my heart. Forgive and forget, sure, but I don’t ever really forget.

Interestingly, I am able to take responsibility for a part of it 10 years later. Why? Because I allowed him — and other boyfriends or guys I dated — to treat me disrespectfully. What does that mean? It means I didn’t put my foot down or even run the other way when I didn’t like how they were treating me — not calling when they said they would, canceling on dates, not being totally forthright, not giving me the commitment I desired, etc., — therefore I allowed it. I can see now that many of the experiences I had could have been prevented had I demanded respect. Sure, I expected respect, but clearly not enough. It must be demanded and in this case, actions (walking away from the situation for good) speak louder than words (saying “you’re being disrespectful,” but not leaving, and therefore allowing it).

Perhaps it was an age thing; I was in my 20s. Or perhaps it’s a gender thing. Or maybe it was the type of guy I was going for and the hope that I could tame a bad boy. Likely it was a combination of all of the above. Many young women are so afraid of being dumped, or being alone, or not having the guy come running after you as you walk out the door, or we place our value in who we are dating, that we don’t say anything. We hope it was a fluke, or a one-off, or that they will grow to respect you more.

The truth is that we need to respect ourselves — men and women of all ages — more, and value our worth more, in order to understand why certain behavior is not acceptable and to walk away. Keep walking away until someone comes along who respects you, values you and believes you are worthy.


Find Your Happiness

by Tamar Caspi under Date Night,Online Dating,Relationships,Single Life

People are attracted to happy people, so how do you convey happiness? Authentic joy emanates, therefore you must truly be happy to genuinely appear happy to other people.

Many singles feel that their singledom dictates their lack of happiness, but you can’t allow your relationship status to affect your positivity. If everything is going great in your life, aside from dating, and yet you are negative and unhappy, then you need to reassess.

Find joy in doing things you love (hopefully that includes your job since you likely spend 25-30% of your time there) and being around people you love. When you appreciate what you have, then people will want to be around you, including prospective dates.

Bottom Line: don’t let dating get the best of you. Stay positive and attract other positive people.


Grammarian Greetings

by Caryn Alper under JDate,Online Dating,Relationships,Single Life

Does grammar matter in your online dating profile? YES! I don’t know what’s going on lately, but I keep encountering profiles that would make any decent English teacher squirm. Poor grammar, misspellings, and general linguistic mangling are infiltrating both written profiles and verbal speech. I’m somewhat of a grammar nerd, but I know that poorly-written prose is a huge turn-off to more people than just me. In fact, a quick Google search yields dozens of articles on the topic, some of which quantify the decreased rates of response received by poorly-written profiles. And I’m not talking about a misplaced modifier or a preposition at the end of a sentence (although some of us may consider such egregiousness unforgivable)! I’m referring to those profiles that look like they were written by an overzealous 12-year-old girl who is texting her BFF!!! Or even worse, those that somehow managed to evade spell check and all junior high language classes. Is your profile in less-than-pristine condition? Don’t despair. Ask Tamar for content help, and contact me for editorial assistance – I will happily proofread your profile! Here’s a brief primer to remind you of some common grammatical or usage problems.

1. Capitalization

PLEASE DON’T YELL! Typing in all capital letters looks aggressive and angry. Don’t do it unless you’re making some kind of point. Similarly, don’t use all lowercase letters. Remember to capitalize the first letter of new sentences as well as names and places.

2. Sentence Structure

Have you ever come across a profile that says something like, “I like to travel. I like dogs. I also like pizza. I have a big family.” Never mind that this profile is generic – but it would come alive with some varied sentence structures, like “Having grown up with 5 siblings,…” or “New York is my favorite place to visit…” or “Pizza drives my daily ambition to finish work by noon…” etc.

3. Abbrevs

Using abbreviations in place of actual words looks either lazy or like you’re trying to be cool. Or maybe cool’s not the right word here. But neither situation is ideal. No need for AIM speak (hey, wut r u up to? Do u like me?) or your generational equivalent of popular social communication forms (telegram? Snapchat?).  Similarly, don’t assume everyone knows the same acronyms. When it doubt, write it out!

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4. Punctuation

This is a big one. If you aren’t sure of a punctuation mark’s correct usage, avoid it. In other words, don’t randomly add semicolons to look smart or throw in quotation marks unnecessarily (My name is “Caryn.”) For some reason, people like quotes, but if used improperly, the text looks suspicious, like, my name might be Caryn.

 

 

5. Spelling

Most browsers have a built-in spell check, meaning that typos are clearly denoted by a squiggly red line. So no excuse here. I realize spell check doesn’t always catch errors like your vs. you’re, but human eyes do, so proofread! Or send to me or a friend to review.

Is writing not your strong suit? Or maybe English isn’t your first language? Not to worry – you can still craft an eloquent, enticing, error-free profile. Elicit the help of a friend or even read the text out loud to yourself to check for typos. People online don’t know you, so to the internet world, a sloppy profile = a sloppy person. Luckily, it’s time for spring cleaning, so no more sloppiness!