Archive for the ‘Relationships’ Category

15. Forgiveness: Learn the art of forgiveness. If you don’t learn how to do this, then it is time to move on and find someone else. Without forgiveness a relationship will remain stagnant.
16. Shift: Relationships will shift over time. Communicate regularly to ensure the two of you are still on the same page regarding the relationship.
17. Leaving: Knowing when to end the relationship is an important part of being part of a relationship, and an opportunity for growth. If the two of you have outgrown one another or there is more pain than pleasure it is time to go your separate ways.
18. Moments: Enjoy the small moments. Like the old saying goes, stop and smell the roses. Don’t spend time thinking about the “what-ifs,” it is the present moment that counts.
19. Thankfulness:  Take some time daily to be thankful for the other person. Focus on the positive and realize how wonderful being in a relationship can truly be.
20: Spontaneity: Do something spontaneous with your partner every once in awhile. It helps get both of you out of a routine.
21. Counseling: Seeking outside help does not necessarily mean the relationship is over. It can make a world of difference, save the relationship or at least help each of you to move on without anger.

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8. Punishment: Punishing your significant other does not work! It tends to make us feel better for the moment, but it usually makes the other person feel as if he/she is being treated like a child.
9. Money: Money is the biggest complaint I hear about when working with couples. Have an honest conversation; who pays for what and do not make assumptions based on gender.
10. Sex:  Sex tends to go through stages. If you notice your sex life becoming boring, less frequent or a chore, talk about it immediately and be as candid as possible.
11. Cheating: Don’t do it! If you feel the need to stray, there is a problem and it generally has nothing to do with sex. Most people cheat because an emotional connection is missing with their partner. Talk truthfully with your other half and start communicating.
12. Boredom: Boredom usually has more to do with anger than anything else. Figure out what’s really bothering you and let your partner know in a calm, non-threatening manner.
13. Arguing: Never say anything you would not want to hear directed at you. I’m all for a good argument, but remain on point and do not re-hash problems that have already been dealt with.
14. Change: Acceptance of what you cannot change is an extremely important part of a relationship. Trying to change someone rarely works.

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I read an interesting article the other day that proclaimed Valentine’s Day as the biggest break-up day of the year?!? Huh? Isn’t this the holiday designated to commemorate romance and love.  I guess Hollywood, Hallmark and gender differences probably don’t help with the pressures and expectations imposed on this day that often send emotions running. 

Some women, hoping for a commitment, are left analyzing what the heck a stuffed penguin signifies in relation to their future. I asked my friend what romantic gesture he did for his live-in girlfriend for Valentine’s Day. When he responded “nothing” my jaw dropped in surprise. And then admittedly, he revealed the bloodiness that transpired as a result of that misstep. Bottom line: assess the strength of your relationship on the other days of the year. Ladies: “in general”, men don’t view this Hallmark-created holiday the same way you do. Cut some slack on this one. Men: TRY to at least do something thoughtful, even small, that you may not normally do. Trust me, it will save you from a dreaded discussion and any necessary band-aids.

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So you think you found the person with whom you want to become exclusive. Here is a list of some of the most important things the two of you need to consider in order to keep the relationship functional and healthy. Be sure to stay tuned for more tips!
1. Quality time: Quality time is of the utmost importance. Spend at least some time every day with one another. If you live in different areas have a conversation every day.
2. Compromise: Relationships take work and part of that work is learning to give and take. It is a balancing act.
3. Dependence without co-dependence: Relationships are about depending on one another, but it is not about clingy behavior. Each person must be able to have their own interests and be given some space. If not, most people tend to feel trapped.
4. Listening: Take the time to hear the other person out and really, truly listen.
5. Appreciation: Make every effort to appreciate your partner. It is the little things that go a long way.
6. Quirks: Those things that we fall for early in the relationship can become annoying habits.  Take the time to appreciate and love these quirks rather than looking at them as annoyances.
7. Resentments: If something is bothering you by all means tell the other person. Don’t bury those feelings; they will only turn into resentment down the line. Be sure to listen and do not become defensive if your partner communicates his/her feelings.

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Over the weekend, I was reminded that the success of a relationship – despite all the confusion that external forces may bring – is all about the basics.  Are you content and happy when you are with this person?  Is your life better with that person in it?  Would you be sad if that person was not around?  Is this a simplistic way of seeing things? Absolutely.  And perhaps, sometimes, there are circumstances that present more challenges, but for the most part Robert Fulghum’s All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten probably had it right about relationships as well.  The simplicity of it all.  What I do know is my Scotch Tape” (and “rocking chair” for another time) theory. In the beginning of a relationship, there is an excitement and pull (scotch tape) that attaches two people.  Once the lust factor has subsided some, perhaps there are disagreements and the newness and butterflies subside, there is the potential of the elevation factor of what I would call Elmer’s Glue. Is there a strong enough foundation built that allows continued growth and development? Now, if you actually rise to the next level Crazy Glue (Velcro) that is some good stuff. Your partner has likely seen you at your worst with no facades and the bond is so strong you don’t want to imagine life without that person. That Crazy Glue will hold you together during the hiccups and challenging times. From Scotch Tape to Crazy Glue what actually makes relationships stick? Perhaps, it might be just about the very basics because most other things can be worked out.

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Dear Gems from Jen,

I have been seeing my older brother’s friend for about two weeks now. We hit it off at my birthday party and he got my number. He asked me out on a date a few days later and we went out that week. We had a great first date and both agreed we wanted to see each other again. We made plans for a second date, but the day arrived and he ended up canceling, saying his friend broke up with his girlfriend and wanted to hang out. This was the first mixed signal.

He ended up contacting me two days later and we went out the following day. We went to the movies and he held my hand throughout and after we went back to his house. Everything went great again. We didn’t make plans for the next date, but I figured we would at some point. My brother’s girlfriend knows him really well so she said to throw him a bone, because he has never been in a serious relationship and needs some encouragement. Usually, I wouldn’t initiate contact with a guy, but I thought it would be okay in this case. So I asked him what he was doing on Saturday night. He said he was going out with a friend from work. I told him I was going to a party and we exchanged texts for a little while. Then I asked him “Will I see you this week?” and he replied after 20 minutes saying “We will see what my schedule is like.”

What does this all mean? I am leaving in about two weeks to do an internship in Vancouver and I will be gone for about four weeks. I am in my last semester in college and will be graduating in May, so I will only be home every few weeks until I finish school. He graduated a few years ago and is living and working in the neighboring town.
Is he afraid of getting too involved since I am leaving? Or is he just not that interested?

Thanks,

Lauren

Dear Mixed Signals.

After reading your question, I can really only come to one conclusion; actions always speak louder than words. With that said, remember this is brand new, nothing serious, you are leaving town for a bit, and my guess is you want something a bit more serious than he really sounds willing to commit to. My suggestion is to stop over-thinking this and do not put all of your eggs in one basket.  I understand the two of you hit it off and that is wonderful!  However, there are plenty of other guys to hit it off with as well. If you are not receiving the direct signals you appear to want, then find someone who is willing to be straightforward and commit to getting to know you. If you sense that he is not that interested don’t waste your time trying to get him interested. That tactic tends to backfire for most of us. College is usually a great time to explore all of your possibilities, so use this time to your advantage and get to know all types of people. If this guy calls and wants to go out again by all means go out with him, but keep in mind he is not the last guy on Earth, just someone you hit it off with for a few hours.

Signed,
Gems from Jen

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Dear Gems from Jen,

I’ve been dating a nice guy since October. One might think that by now I would know how to handle the upcoming Valentine’s Day in terms of the form a gift might take. However, he’s got a hard time accepting any compliments or any expression that translates to “you’re special.” Also, neither of us is into expensive gift giving. Typically, what’s the role of the woman for Valentine’s Day? I love giving to people, but in this case, I don’t know what to do.

Dear Valentine’s Day Gift-Giving,

I would be interested to know more about the difficult time this guy has accepting compliments. It sounds to me as if he has a difficult time validating how you truly feel about him. With this said, I can definitely empathize with your plight. I might be wrong, but it appears that you are walking on eggshells where this guy is concerned. If giving to people is your thing, why stop now? Part of being in a relationship is staying true to you. With that said, I don’t know if there really is a typical role for the woman when it comes to gift giving on Valentine’s Day. What do you want to give him? What makes the most sense to you? If he were able to accept your compliments what would you consider giving him? Ask yourself these questions and then make the decision. Gifts do not have to be expensive, but they should translate into how you are feeling towards the recipient. For instance, if he is into wine buy him his favorite bottle. If he enjoys basketball get him a couple of tickets. If he likes your cooking make him a homemade meal. Just remember, gift giving should be an enjoyable experience not one that causes anxiety.

Signed,

Gems from Jen

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Dear Gems from Jen,

I am very confused. I went out on three dates with this guy and it seemed like he really liked me and we hit it off. After the third date, suddenly, he stopped contacting me. What’s going on? I’m so confused!

Dear Three Dates,

I can certainly understand your confusion. I really do wish I had a direct answer for you, I’m afraid I don’t however. It sounds to me as if it is his loss not yours. I really do not believe there is any type of valid excuse for this type of behavior. I do understand things come up, emergencies may have arisen, however a quick phone call is not too much to ask in my opinion. My suggestion would be to let this guy go and focus on what it is you really want from the people you meet on JDate. There are plenty of guys out there who are ready and willing to not send confusing messages. Waiting around for someone to call is no fun. Make the decision to enjoy yourself during this process and don’t wait around for anyone.

Signed,

Gems from Jen

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Sometimes you take a little break from the dating life because it’s just too damn hard to find someone that crosses the ex off the list. This little sitch is amplified in L.A. where ex’s are often not just around the corner, but in the background, on various stations, movie channels, and upcoming movie trailers. So as hard as you try to kick the bad habit, you’re lured back into the web by the offered comfort of consistency. If iPhone could find an app to block said images from sight, I’d be more than willing to jump the Crackberry ship and become a full-fledged Mac. Since that hasn’t happened, I’ve decided to live all things Amish. There are no movie trailers in Amish country. Of course, there are no cars to make a quick getaway either, but I hear the horses are being supercharged, so that’s a plus

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Dear Gems from Jen,

I met a very nice man on JDate who lost his wife 18 months ago. He said that he still loves his wife, and he feels that we have a great potential, but at the same time he feels that he met me a little too soon. Sometimes I feel that he pushes me away and then the next day he shows me deep affection. He is the only man between all my dates that I really like, but I do not know how to handle this situation. I need your direction.

Dear Widower,

This has got to be a very confusing situation not just for you, but for him as well. You are receiving very mixed messages, which tend to lead to hurt feelings and unrealistic expectations. It sounds as if he has made it clear with his words, but not so clear with his actions. It does appear from what you have told me as if he is still somewhere in the grieving process. My best suggestion would be to have a completely honest conversation with this man. Let him know how you are truly feeling and ask him what it is he is looking for in terms of a relationship with you. You will have to make a decision if you are willing to meet him where he is at. He may not be ready for a serious, committed relationship. If you are looking for this type of relationship, you may need to make the decision to find someone who is ready. Pushing him into something that he is not ready for will only backfire. Do yourself a favor and make sure if you choose to stick it out with this guy you look at all of the different outcomes. Keep in mind your feelings are just as important as his.

Signed,
Gems from Jen

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