Archive for the ‘Relationships’ Category

As a frequent writer for the syndicated comic panel, Bizarro, I once depicted a character telling another character, “Hi, I’m…” before the other character replied, “Skip intro.”

During that first encounter with a prospective Ms. or Mr. Right, it’s as if we take a page from our own personal websites and relay our “About Us”. Imagine how much more we’d learn about each other if each of us revealed not only our personalized FAQ list. But personality-revealing IAA list.. Infrequently Answered Answers.

FAQ: What do you like to do for fun? IAA: Avoid spending time with overly successful people. FAQ: What was your longest relationship? IAA: Since the time you sat down till… (checking watch) … right now! FAQ: What kind of music do you like? IAA: Elevator. FAQ: Seen any good movies lately? IAA: No, because the actors in it are too successful.

Well, it’s getting late. I better – “Skip outro.”

At what age do you need to start taking dating more seriously? At what age should you stop dating around and start only dating Jews? Some people have always only dated Jews while others wait until they’re closer to what they consider to be optimal marrying age (30 is a common cut-off age). Some will date whomever they please in college but get serious about religion and other qualities afterwards. For me, it was right around 25 when something ‘clicked’ and I no longer wanted to, well, waste my time with goys. Men tend to see the light a little later, as they tend to mature later in general. Just because you don’t plan on getting married until you’re 30, doesn’t mean you won’t meet someone sooner. Life happens when you’re busy making plans.

In this era of ADD and multi-tasking, the art of focusing on something other than our own everyday mishegas is becoming a lost art. Aside from the hand-held devices that compete with actual hand holding, what if we tried letting go of those, as well as other barriers to bonding on that next JDate? This could be crazy, but hear me out. It’s called… hearing me out.

What if we paid absolutely no attention to our own needs, desires, egos, inner voices telling us what else we should be doing, and zeroed in exclusively on the conversation and well-being of the other person? Empathizing, relating, appreciating, learning. Not a one-way street dead end, but a synchronistic two-way street. They become fully invested in you, and you them. From the get-go!

The more invested you are in each other, even if it’s just a mental exercise, the more likely you’ll really start to become invested in each other.  Nice to meet you! Nice to meet you! You have nice eyes. (Or pick something about them that’s nice. Their nails. Their shoelaces. Something!) Thanks! You have nice eyebrows… Thanks! (My eyebrows? What’s wrong with my eyes? Inner voice, get lost. Back to them!)

Okay, we’re still in the beta stage here. Probably a few bugs to work out. But imagine, just imagine, if first dates made you feel good. With apologies to John Lennon, it’s easy if you try.

There’s a train of thought that you shouldn’t take things too seriously when it comes to dating, that if you’re relaxed and not “looking” for your husband or wife and just out to have fun, then you will meet someone. I agree and disagree. I believe you need to make an effort to find your dates — improving your JDate profile, expanding your search preferences, going to Jewish events — and you should take that process seriously, but once on a date, you shouldn’t act like you’re on a mission. No one wants to feel such pressure while they’re on a date. You should have fun on your dates whether you know right away that he or she is not your Beshert or if you don’t figure it out til the end of the night. You made the effort, you’re dressed up, you’re meeting someone new — don’t take yourself too seriously and try to have fun regardless of the circumstances. Life is too short. And if the date is an absolute disaster, take it in stride and then have a few laughs with your friends about the absurdity of it all. If the date is awesome, you know your date likes you for you and not for the fake persona you put on.

I found this NY Times article from a few days ago quite interesting — apparently, teenagers and college students alike are swapping Facebook and email passwords as the modern day equivalent to the varsity letterman’s jacket or class ring. It’s a sign of caring or commitment. Some even admit that it is because they don’t trust their significant other (to that, I ask why date them in the first place?)

I wondered about whether or not I would share my passwords with my guy if we were in a serious, committed relationship. I mean, I use Facebook and email for everything and so you could pretty much track my entire life for the last – however many years since I got Gmail™ – and at least 3 years on Facebook (I was a late adopter and joined in 2009). As someone who shares her iPhone® passcode with pretty much anyone who needs access to my mobile, I could see offering up that access to my boyfriend as well. If he wants to read the text messages between my friends and I where we discuss what colour we’d like to pick for our manicure and the umpteen ridiculous (G rated) photos we exchange – sure.

But email is different. Email is business. My little brother has access because sometimes I forget to pay my bills and I’m stuck at an airport with bad signal and he logs in and pays them for me before they’re late. I think one day I’d like to get to that point with my boyfriend too, but my advice is keep your passwords private. If your significant other doesn’t trust you and needs to be “checking up on you” the problem is bigger than you think.

Mel can be reached here!

Wouldn’t it be comforting if in-person chatting on that all-important first date provided the safety nets and assurances of texting and online chatting? Namely emoticons. If I tell you a little about myself, and you say it’s interesting, how am I to know you really meant it, unless you utter it with conviction? Here’s how: If, after you say it, you tilt your head to the side and flash a big grin… : ) If it’s good enough for our computer screens, why not our naked eyeballs? (Hot first date. At least our eyeballs can get naked.)

Think of all the benefits. Aside from being able to scout out the other first daters at Starbucks® by virtue of their cocked heads, by date’s end, we’d have a firmer understanding of how things actually went. If one of us says, “I’ve gotta get going,” one imagines the go-getter isn’t exactly rushing home to input the event in their diary. (That’s a prehistoric blog.) But if after the remark, they turn sideways and grimace… : ( … that can only mean they’re sad about calling it a day!

We needn’t restrict person to person emoticons to first dates. Even after the relationship kicks into high gear and the couple wages its first inevitable tiff, a carefully placed head and goofy grin can take back an attack before it does irreparable damage:

“You loser, I wish I never met you!” Tilt head. Smile. Awww.

Goodbye twenty-eleven (finally!), hello 2012. Some of us have made our resolutions, some of us have recycled last year’s, and all of us (hopefully, or that’d just be weird) on this site are still single and looking to find and keep this year’s love.

So what is it that you are doing differently this year to get a different result? Are you still looking in the same places (online or otherwise) and clicking the same profiles of men and women that look the same? Do you find yourself sharing the same stories or details on a first date and then not getting to a second? (Do you see a pattern here!)

When it comes to the dating service I offer, most new clients are shocked at the types of questions I asked to base my matching criteria on. Initially, they just want me to find them the “same person” they’ve recently ended things with or “their type”, but that always changes when I ask – hasn’t that type of person not worked out for you? Try something new.

The same advice to you, my JDaters, try something new.

Have a question? E-mail Mel here.

Let’s just say Kabbalah and the Mayan calendar are correct and the world is going to end this year. Okay, that’s absurd, but let’s say you were to live your life AS IF the world was going to end and you took advantage of each day as if it were your last. What would you do? If I were you, I’d want to fall madly, deeply, in love (I’m lucky enough that I already am, but if I weren’t…). I’d put it all on the line, stop wasting people’s time and tell it like it is. I wouldn’t be afraid to say what I mean and mean what I say. I would blast my status on Facebook and wear a shirt that says “Jewish and Single — Are You My Beshert?” I would seize the day and not stall any longer.

Your world could end at any moment. This isn’t a hypothetical. Log on. Complete your profile. Flirt, Click, Wink, Email, Instant Message, do whatever it takes to let your crushes know that you are interested! Why wait? There really isn’t a good excuse.

Here’s the kind of profile I steer clear of…

“Don’t lie about your height. If you have issues with your mother, I don’t want to hear from you. That means you’ll have issues with me too! Oh, and guys – I’m not your mother. I don’t need a grown kid to baby. I already had a kid.”

I feel like we’ve had our first fight, and we haven’t even met yet. When trying to sell their good side by arguing with you before laying eyes on you, something tells me I don’t want to go near their bad side.

Mutual fun managers should take a page from mutual fund managers: Past performance is no guarantee of future performance. (Okay, premature arguing does guarantee post-mature arguing.) In the case of guys or gals who previously didn’t pass your smell test, don’t think the rest of the guys or gals out there are equally culpable. Maybe we daters should take a page from the airlines and charge fees for excess baggage.

Oh. And I’m five feet eight and a half.

JDate asks you a question: what have you learned from your past relationships, or, simply “My Past Relationships”? It’s a tricky question but you’ve got to answer it. For the most part, the Jewish community is small, so even though you may not personally know a JDater, you may know who they’re talking about in that paragraph.

Stating that you now know that you don’t want someone who is ‘a spoiled, trust fund brat’ or a ‘pompous, egomaniac, even if he is a doctor’ will actually make you look bad, not better. You’re talking badly about an ex rather than showing what you learned about yourself. Not only does it make you look immature, but it’s gossip and it’s ugly. Use this opportunity to talk about how you have grown and the person you want to be instead.