Archive for the ‘Relationships’ Category

Love at First JDate: The #1 Thing to Look for on Date #1

by JenG under Date Night,Relationships

Often times when I go on first dates, I’m asking myself (prematurely) if I can see myself having a future with this person. But not just a future in the sense of multiple dates… but in the sense of marrying them and spending the next 60 years with them. And did I mention this is all happening after chatting for just one or two hours? All that pressure sometimes ruins my initial perception of a person and instead of having a good time on a date, I find myself having these internal battles with myself.

Here’s what you should do instead:

  • Do: Dates 1-3 should be measured based on how well you get along with a person and, of course, how much fun you have with them. Do they interest you? Do you want to see them again next week? Make your judgments based off those questions.
  • Don’t: Start picturing your wedding or your old-age days with this person. They will see this internal battle on your face, in your gestures, and in your responses. It’ll make you seem and feel disinterested in someone who could potentially be a great match.

Follow Jen here: @tthingsilearned


On the Same Page

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Ahhhhh… The Bachelor finale aired live and we all squirmed as Nikki — the “winner” — once again professed her love to Juan Pablo, only to have him repeatedly avoid answering the question of whether he loved her as well.

So, what do you do when you are in a relationship, are in love, and your partner isn’t there yet? How long do you wait for your significant other to start feeling as deeply as you do? At what point does your self-respect begin to take a beating?

There is… there is no right answer. You have to do what feels right, but you also may want to reassess the balance of power in the relationship. Are all your family members and friends warning you about your relationship? Does your partner ever use the difference in emotions to make you feel bad? Be honest with yourself and don’t let your ego get in your way of making the best decision for your heart, and your future.


Are You in a Relationship?

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships,Single Life

New dating rule! From now on, you must ask someone “Are you in a relationship?” rather than asking “Are you married?” or “Do you have a girl/boyfriend?”

Why? Because if you’re engaged then the answer is neither of the above and if you’re dating someone seriously, but haven’t put a label on it, then it is also in between. So when you meet someone whom you’re interested in, ask “Are you in a relationship?” That way, they have to answer and clarify what that means to them.


Cuddle-Bug

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Are you a cuddler? Or do you need your space when sleeping? If you are concerned about not being able to fall asleep, stay asleep, and wake up still intertwined with your new lover, then relax — cuddling is not what you see on television and in the movies!

Most people will cuddle until sleepy and then turn over to catch some zzzz’s. If not, then your arm will likely become numb and start tingling, and you will end up with warm breath in your face all night. Worried your sleepovers may not look like those rom-coms where the woman has on perfect make-up and her hair is splayed across the pillow and they start making out right then and there? It simply doesn’t happen in real life — so don’t be disappointed. You will probably be willing to overlook morning breath during the honeymoon stage, but eventually you’ll ask to get up and brush your teeth before canoodling. Sleep is not always sexy.

Just remember — when you can see past the mascara-smudged raccoon eyes, or the matted down hair, or any other imperfections in the morning, then that’s a good sign you’re with the right person.

Remembering to brush your teeth before bed will help!


Dating Disconnect

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

I keep running into guy friends who tell me they are dating women whom they have no interest in marrying, but are using to pass time and get away from the dating scene. These women are typically not Jewish and much younger than them, and these guys are just having fun… except the women don’t know this. They don’t know they are being used, they don’t know that the men they are falling for won’t marry non-Jews, and they don’t know the men they are with aren’t looking for serious relationships which have a future. These women are all going to get hurt, more so if they find out the truth.

It’s not worth it. And if you believe in karma, then it’s really not worth it. Date casually, but don’t take dating to the next level with someone whom you know you would never marry.


A Ticking Time Bomb

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

You finally met someone you like and the feeling is mutual. Dating turns into a relationship rather quickly — and before you know it, you are spending all your free time together as your emotions grow. But then the other person’s feelings deepen… while your feelings stay stagnant. You continue to move forward as a couple because you still like your significant other, but since you’re not falling in love with the same veracity, you begin to doubt if this is “The One.” As you learn more about each other you start to see flaws where there once was perfection.

You know intrinsically that you should be able to accept these flaws as human and normal, but instead they start to irk at you. And the things you liked before also start to gnaw at you, making you wonder if you can get back to that exciting, lust-filled place — or if the relationship is a ticking time bomb. Unfortunately, once you get to this point, it is likely that you won’t be able to backtrack and that the relationship is indeed doomed.

Don’t try to fight it, this is a course that many relationships take. Be comforted by the fact that you didn’t allow it to go any further, and listened to your heart and mind when it told you that something wasn’t right. Feelings are going to get hurt in this wild ride we call dating; don’t be shocked when you are on the receiving side and don’t feel bad when you are on the distributing side.

Buy Tamar’s new book “How to Woo a Jew” now!


Bringing Home the Bacon, er, Boyfriend

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

How many of you have brought home a significant other to meet your parents? How long did you wait? Did you wish you had done it sooner in retrospect, or wish you had never taken that step at all? Is there more pressure to take someone home when you live in the same city as your parents? Or is there more pressure to take a special trip out to your hometown to do so?

There’s no science. Sometimes you introduce a S.O. after a few weeks, sometimes a few months. Sometimes not until after you’re engaged (yikes!). It’s not a matter of time, but rather a feeling of the relationship being in the right place to take that step (but please do so BEFORE proposing!).

Some people wait because their parents are apt to embarrass them by asking, “Can you afford our daughter?” or “Can you tame our son?” Or maybe they look over a girlfriend and exclaim that she has “nice childbearing hips!” Or perhaps they might check out a boyfriend and exclaim what “beautiful children you’ll have!” Some are nervous their parents will pull out the baby album or discuss horrible exes (or discuss your amazing ex that you unfortunately let get away). Some parents meanwhile are very chill and laid-back, and have probably met many prospects because of how easy going they are.

Taking home a S.O. is a huge deal when it comes to figuring out if they can become a part of your family. If you feel it’s the right time, then do it. There’s no wrong time (well, except for the obvious: not on your first few dates unless you’re being picked up from their house!) if you are seeing a future with this prospect.


Kickstart Your Dating

by Aaron under Relationships

As mid-terms begin to kick into gear, the last few weeks and the weeks ahead aim to be some of the busiest of my life. I’ve always been a pretty laidback student, but business school has not allowed that as before.

As such, I thought I would share some light reading with any readers looking to join me in some homework this week (albeit slightly different, and more fun, for you). So here is a list of books I’d recommend for anyone (guys particularly, though girls may enjoy a look at the toolkit of the opposite sex) looking to get better in their dating game, on and offline:

  • Charlie Valentino’s series of books: Charlie Valentino gives some ridiculous advice (I’m not a fan of his Facebook book), but I did find quite a bit of improvement in my online results after using his books, and my normal experiences with women also benefitted.
  • Neil Strauss’s The Game/Rules of The Game: I hate the phrase life-changing as I feel it is thrown around lightly, but this book did change my dating life completely. I read The Game and its subsequent workbook in college and enjoyed the newfound confidence they gave me in both dating/professional situations. Again, use some discretion in what you take away, but the good by far outweighs the bad.
  • Dale Carnegie’s How to Stop Worrying and Start Living: A lot of people say to read How to Win Friends and Influence People, but I personally got more out of this book that made me feel better about life and drop worries.

A short list, but I think those are all great, and really all of them could be read by either gender (though the first two are heavily aimed at guys). If you’re on this blog, you probably like self-help, so be sure to check these books out and say any others you recommend in the comments. Good luck out there, everyone!

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Tic-Tock the Dating Clock

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

My girlfriend recently called me asking for advice. She has been in a relationship for two years and they are really happy, but there has been no talk about the future. In fact, her boyfriend told her he is a “commitment-phobe” because his parents divorced when he was young. He is committed to her and they have traveled internationally with both their families and friends — yet he hasn’t made any movement to take the next step. Both of them are in their thirties, and although she isn’t feeling her biological clock ticking, she is wondering when their relationship will move forward.

I suggested she speak with him about it in a no-pressure tone, with non-aggressive wording, a laid-back posture, and without making him feel like it’s a test. I told her to put it on him by asking him where he sees their relationship going and then letting him take the lead in the conversation. It may seem somewhat passive of her, but people who claim to be commitment-phobic will run when not approached the right way.

My friend needed to realize that her needs are important, and that she shouldn’t accept less from him when she wanted more. She wasn’t being unrealistic, it had been two years after all, but she needed to assert herself. Therefore, I also counseled her on what to do after hearing his response — whether it was what she wanted to hear or not, she needed to let him know what she wants and they can hopefully move forward from there, together, to the next stage.


Read this Before Your Next Date

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

I just read a checklist of things to learn to have a lasting relationship by Tim Hoch and it is brilliant. There are 50 items, but each is short and sweet. Here’s a selection of my favorites — the ones you need to remember while you’re looking for prospects, on a date, in a relationship and beyond.

1. Burn your Blueprint

Rid yourself of whatever fantasies you harbor about the bliss of coupled life. They’re not helping. There is no script, so don’t be disappointed when your fairytale gets hijacked.

5. Grow

If you still have the same desires, opinions and beliefs at age 50 that you did at age 25, that’s your own damn fault. You will not, and should not, be the same person you were then.

10. Develop Your Own Interests

It seems counter-intuitive, but you will enhance your relationship when you pursue your separate interests.

12. Don’t Keep Score

I know a couple who keeps track of the number of times each partner completes a household chore. Don’t do this. It’s exhausting. And childish.

15. Admit When You’re Wrong (Even, On Occasion, When You Aren’t)

This is both the easiest and hardest thing to do on this list. But this simple gesture will pay immeasurable dividends; it will help you grow and it’s just the right thing to do.

32. Know You Are Equals

It doesn’t matter which one of you makes the most money. It doesn’t matter which one of you has the better REO Speedwagon vinyl collection. It doesn’t matter which one of you has the best nickname. It doesn’t even matter which one of you has the coolest food allergy.

39. Take Pride in Your Appearance

Your marriage license doesn’t give you a free pass to always wear sweat pants and T-shirts.

44. Don’t Be Petty

So I forgot to stop at the store to get your prescription. Did you have to throw away my ceramic cactus shot glass holder?

50. Adapting Beats Abandoning

There will be moments when you want to quit, walk out, or give up. You can do that. But you will probably be doing so without giving due consideration to the new life that awaits you. Will you be better off in six months? Will you be better off in 10 years?

For the complete list, click here.

Purchase Tamar’s book How to Woo a Jew now! Get it online and in bookstores everywhere.