Archive for the ‘Relationships’ Category

Being Brave Enough to Bail

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

My friend Greg and his girlfriend moved in together about two months ago… and this past weekend, she moved out. It turns out they cannot co-habitate. It took a lot of bravery on both their parts to admit that it wasn’t working out, and wasn’t going to.

After couples have been dating for a while and are either engaged or living together (or both) they tend to let their ego get the best of them and sweep their problems under the rug, rather than face them and possibly end up on the dating scene again. But ending a bad relationship takes courage. Admitting that you are unhappy, or that the relationship is just not right, takes courage. Starting over after thinking that you had met “The One” takes courage.

Better to break off an engagement, or change your living situation, then to end up married and unhappy and possibly getting a divorce. Don’t worry about what people will think, in fact, they will likely admire you for being brave enough to recognize when something wasn’t right and changing your path.


Dating and Technology Don’t Mix

by Tamar Caspi under Date Night,Relationships,Single Life

“Relationships can be harder now because conversations become texting, arguments become phone calls, and feelings become status updates.” -unknown

Technology has changed dating as we know it. But you don’t have to let it get the best of you and your relationships. Utilize technology to your benefit: meet someone on JDate (online dating), exchange a few messages (email), call to make plans (phone), and send a quick message when you’re running a few minutes late (text), and do a quick search to make sure your date is who they say they are (social media). Do not use any of those paths to hold a deep and personal conversation or get into an argument or to be passive aggressive about how you’re feeling at any given time. Face-to-face interaction is always best.

Too much can get lost in translation when you’re using technology, and frankly, it also shows a lack of effort. If you like someone and see a future with them (or if you care about someone enough to show them some respect), then put down the phone, close the laptop, turn off bluetooth, and plug in to some one-on-one time without any distraction.

 


Choice vs. Chance

by Tamar Caspi under JDate,Relationships,Single Life

“No one falls in love by choice, it is by chance. No one stays in love by chance, it is by work. And no one falls out of love by chance, it is by choice.” -unknown

I do agree with this quote, particularly the part about love being work. But I would also add that you have to give chance the opportunity to happen to you, which means you need to make the choice to be a proactive dater. That means buying that JDate membership, downloading the JPix app, going to Jewish single shmoozers, agreeing to be setup on dates, and being the best you that you can be so that when the right person does come along you are open and willing.


A Healthy Jealousy

by Tamar Caspi under Date Night,Online Dating,Relationships,Single Life

In general, jealousy is an ugly trait. When you recognize jealousy within yourself, it typically is an indication of your own insecurities. Unfortunately most people don’t make that connection… which is why jealousy is generally unhealthy.

But, every so often, jealousy can be healthy. Healthy jealousy is that feeling you get when you didn’t notice how hot your date looks (and didn’t give them a compliment either), but catch others checking them out with admiration. At first you may get pissy and feel that others are disrespecting you by checking out your date right in front of you — that’s the jealousy. But then you realize that your date is hot and they deserve to know you think so — that’s the healthy part.

Sometimes it takes that little bit of that green-eyed monster to help you appreciate what you have sitting right in front of you.


Libations and Loose Lips

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships,Single Life

I recently introduced two friends at a party who I thought might hit it off. Did I think they would get married one day? No. But, of the few singles that were there, I felt they would enjoy each other’s company most and have a nice conversation.

I stayed with them for a while because I didn’t want them to feel any pressure of having to click, and if I sensed either of their discomfort I could abort the mission without anyone being the wiser. And that I did. Why? Because my friend Jonathan was a bit too buzzed and was revealing some inappropriate information. What is a normally witty and interesting man became one who was obnoxious. When he mentioned his ex-wife, it turned into a long-winded rant about his former mother-in-law. When the topic of new restaurants came up, it turned into an anger-filled vent about a recent experience with a bad waiter. Then he started making comments about my friend’s appearance in ways he likely thought were flattering, but came out very offensive. And all of this in a loud voice. Needless to say, it wasn’t going well and I excused both my girlfriend and I to go shmooze with others. I apologized for his behavior and was embarrassed for the both of us.

The moral of the story? Don’t drink too much if you can’t control yourself. Know your limit. If you’re saying things you shouldn’t after a few drinks then think of what other poor choices you may make.


Mixing Up Your Mileage

by Tamar Caspi under JDate,Judaism,Online Dating,Relationships,Single Life

One of the preferences JDate asks you about is “Located Within” a certain number of miles from your city. If you live in a large city then you can likely select “50 miles” and have many prospects to choose from. If you live in a smaller city or town, then you possibly need to expand your mileage to 100 miles. I strongly suggest you do this, even if you live in a rather large city. A friend of mine in Southern California is engaged to a man in Northern California — which seems far, but is just a short flight away. They make it work, most people wouldn’t have even bothered looking so far away.

On the other hand, if you live in a large city and can’t find anyone worthwhile, perhaps your other preferences are too strict? Are your standards too high? Is there something about you that you could work on to better attract the prospects in your mileage range? You can’t always point the finger at what you consider to be poor prospects, sometimes you have to look at yourself first. Then again, after playing Jewish Geography and finding out that you pretty much know everyone in your immediate area, then you shouldn’t hesitate to extend your parameters and perimeters.


Matters of the Heart

by Tamar Caspi under Date Night,Online Dating,Relationships,Single Life

When it comes to matters of the heart,  every person will have a different viewpoint. People like to spew all sorts of cliches:

  • “I knew he was ‘The One’ the moment I laid eyes on him, and you should get that feeling too”
  • “Love is blind and doesn’t see color, religion, or money”
  • “Love is easy, and if it’s too hard, then it’s not true love”

Just because one couple had a successful relationship after falling in love at first sight, or being a different race and believing in a different G-D, or never fighting, doesn’t mean that’s how it should be for you. In fact, those couples are the exception — not the rule. When it comes to matters of the heart, there’s only one cliche that counts: follow your heart.


Eye Gunk, Cotton Mouth, and Other Yuckiness

by Tamar Caspi under Date Night,Relationships,Single Life

Do you remember that episode of Friends when Chandler complains about Rachel’s boss’s eye gunk? You know, the mascara that gathers in the corners of women’s eyes after a long day? Many men complain to me how much it grosses them out. That, and the raccoon eyes women get from their eyeliner and mascara in the pool or shower. Unfortunately this is another thing that women have to think about when they’re dating.

What about that white stuff that gathers in the corners of your lips when you have cotton mouth? Ew! Or the boogers that you can’t figure out how to get rid of without digging for gold? Ew! How about those razor bumps or zits that seem to appear out of nowhere? There is so much to have to deal with when you’re dating because you don’t want your prospect to see you looking less than perfect — or even worse, being grossed out by something and getting the Ick Factor! Ironically, this is often the stuff you stop caring about as soon as you’re in a committed, long-term relationship!


Is Honesty the Best Policy?

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

People often say that their #1 priority in a relationship is honesty, but is honesty the best policy?

In general, of course, you should always tell the truth. But, there are some little white lies that are acceptable when you’re just beginning to date. But what about once you’re in a serious relationship? Is it okay to bend the truth to protect someone’s feelings or is the truth always best? Sometimes being honest will make you feel vulnerable, but trying to bury how you feel will only make things worse in the long run. Trust your loved one to be truthful with them.

Are there any types of lies that you think are acceptable when you’re in a relationship?


Do You Have a Back-Up Plan?

by Tamar Caspi under JDate,News,Relationships,Single Life

According to a survey by the Daily Mail, half of all women have a back-up husband in place, just in case. This is not a new idea, but to think that 50% of women who are currently married have put more than a little thought into who they would marry next if their marriage didn’t work out, is astonishing!

I’d like to think that we marry someone because we believe we have found our soulmate, our other half, the one we can’t live without, the one who completes/complements us, and that even when things are tough, we don’t resort to thinking about who is still available should the marriage end. Alas, half of women do just that. I suppose it’s a type of coping mechanism to feel that you have other options should you find yourself single again. I did just that when I knew my marriage was irreparable, but I also came to a point where I knew I would be better off alone than in that marriage, and that’s when I had the confidence to leave. And then I started perusing JDate to see who was out there…