A girlfriend of mine was telling me a story last night about how and why her most recent relationship ended. Apparently the guy, who’s a few years younger than she is, freaked out after continuously meeting all her engaged, married, and parenting friends. Since there’s still a “2″ before his age and a “3″ before his, he felt pressure that she would want to rush into getting married even though she had never said anything of the sort. She explained to me that she tried telling him that she wasn’t in any hurry but he had already made up his mind and broke off the relationship. After a few weeks he came back into the picture ready to listen to what she had to say and admitted that she hadn’t put any pressure on him and now they are cautiously talking again. She sat next to me and told me all this and my response to her was that neither she nor he could rationalize his feelings away and making excuses for the past month wasn’t going to magically change the fact that he freaked out nor was he going to magically not feel any subconscious pressure from dating a woman in her 30′s. I warned her to proceed slowly with her eyes wide open and that in the meantime I would ramp up my efforts to set her up with someone.
People don’t change in a month but they can change over time when they truly want to. Actions speak louder than words so if you are dating someone who hasn’t asked you for Prime Time Date Night within the first few weeks or hasn’t introduced you to his or her family and friends after a few months or refuses to have The Talk after half a year and always has excuses as to why, then stop making excuses for that person and move on to someone who is going to treat you as special as you deserve to be treated.
Every year, families go through the debacle of whether or not they should create a family photo holiday card: Is there time? Is it worth the effort? Who should be in it? It’s that last question that can make waves in a singleton’s life. If you’re in a serious relationship, the topic of whether you will still be in a serious relationship next year will cross the minds of everyone involved. Should your significant other’s parents include you in an effort to support the relationship? Or, do they remain realistic and choose to wait until you are engaged before adding you to their annual family photo?
If you’re the “other” being discussed, then keep calm and stay out of the conversation. If your partner wants you in the photo, then he or she will try to make that happen. Don’t take it personally if your partner doesn’t make such an effort — they may feel the relationship is too new or they may have seen enough “others” on cards who didn’t make it to the next holiday season to want to make an issue out of it. If your partner’s parents want you on the card, that’s a good sign. If your partner then vetoes his or her own parents, that’s clearly not a good sign.
Eventually, when you are engaged (and then married and then have kids), there will plenty of holiday cards to be included in.
Coming up on Thanksgiving week it’s easy, as a singleton, to focus on what you don’t have rather than what you do have. Okay so you don’t have a home with a spouse and kids to host Turkey Day at, but you can be thankful for the invitations you received from loved ones (and it’s always nice when you can go home to your parents to celebrate). You may not have a date to take with to that dinner, but you should be thankful you have family and friends who are very happy to see you and to spend time with you (and may have new prospects to introduce you to after they hear about all your new endeavors). And when you end up with a fridge full of leftovers, don’t think about how you’re going to eat it all alone before it spoils but be thankful that you you don’t have to cook for a few days (and maybe make some awesome turkey sandwiches to take with to the office to share).
Everyone knows I love me some Patti Stanger and the newest season of The Millionaire Matchmaker is back for another go’round on Bravo! and this time there are some NJBs (nice, Jewish boys) who are also JDaters being featured! Patti herself talks about her new relationship — a beau she met on an online dating website (although not on JDate, so we can’t vouch for him). Yes, it’s a reality television show and it’s heavily staged and edited, but there are lessons to be learned.
Singles should watch the show not just for the laughs but to see what changes Patti wants her millionaires to make to grow as a person, why the millionaire does or doesn’t choose the suitors, what behaviors are acceptable or appalling, and take mental notes. Some of the examples may be extreme for entertainment’s sake, but find the teaching point of the exercise and learn from it.
So far, my profile has been visited by more than 50 girls, and I wrote emails to many of them but only two answered. Is there something I’m not doing correctly? Maybe I’m not writing the correct text? I don’t like the standard, prewritten emails. Could I get some advice?
Dear No Answers,
JDate can be a numbers game… how many women’s profiles are you viewing, sending a Flirt to, clicking on Secret Admirer or adding to your Favorites list? Do you log on daily to view women and make sure the women know you’re interested by viewing them multiple times a week? Do you write emails when you find someone you’re interested in or do you wait for them to view you in return? In order to increase your odds in getting responses to your messages you need to be active and proactive. But make sure your emails aren’t too aggressive, you don’t want to come off as desperate or needy. Tell the women why you are interested in them and what you have in common and that you hope to hear from them soon. Good luck!
The question that always comes right after “Why are you still single?” is “Jen, can I please set you up with me [fill in the blank here]. Here’s some tips and reminder to think about before and if you say yes.
Do: Think about it. Ask to know some more information about the person. If they sound like your type and meet your base requirements, it’s a good idea to meet them in person. Trust your friend’s judgment that this person could be a really good match for you.
Don’t: Blow that person off. If you agree to meet them and go out with them, follow through. Even if you don’t like them after the first date, be sure to thank your friend for setting you up and just let them know that the person is great (since they think so), but just not the right match for you. Cross your fingers it’s not awkward. It shouldn’t be.
Check out Jen’s new e-book, ALL MY FRIENDS ARE ENGAGED, here: www.allmyfriendsareengaged.com
My girlfriend Lauren has dated the same type of man over and over and over and finally realized after having her heart broken and being disappointed for the upteenth time that she was going after the wrong type. So she referred to her List and decided to only go for guys that actually fit her preferences rather than the guys she was instantly attracted to. And she found him. The guy who was perfect. He fit her List to a tee and she was hopeful that she had finally found her beshert. Except that’s all he was… good on paper. Something was missing, something she couldn’t put her finger on. He fulfilled all her requirements yet she wasn’t falling in love. What was missing? Being able to satisfy all your requirements and preferences on a checklist does not love make.
Your List is supposed to be helpful in keeping you away from people who aren’t right for you but that doesn’t mean that someone who hits all the marks will be right for you either. Don’t stay with someone just because they’re good on paper, but do give them a fair chance before you cast them by the wayside. Lauren continued to date this guy who was supposed to be her Mr. Right for nearly six months hoping that it would evolve into something more before finally pulling the plug. Lauren felt a bit lovelost as she thought that a man who checked off her non-negotiables would be “The One” but she recovered and set back out to find someone who both checked off MOST of her preferences while also giving her butterflies.
Many, many posts ago I wrote about updating your status on Facebook and how broadcasting your every date, crush, and disappointment is harmful to your health. Well, so are your rants. A friend of mine who I’ll call Lisa was divorced about 3 years ago and has consistently updated her relationship status since then with every boyfriend she quickly entered into a relationship with, posted about them in her Newsfeed, and then subsequently reverting her status and ranting about each guy and why the relationship met its demise.
When Lisa’s most recent boyfriend proposed after 6 months she elatedly posted a photo of her ring and changed her status. One friend of hers couldn’t hold back and commented that she hoped Lisa would be cautious. Granted, it wasn’t this woman’s place to comment on a public forum, she was wrong and she was rude, but Lisa responded by ranting that she wished people would be happy for her or keep their mouths shut and that she was going to delete people who couldn’t be happy for her — which put a damper on what should have been her special day.
I sent Lisa a private message and told her that I strongly recommend that in the future she simply delete negative comments and possibly delete those people as well. I also congratulated her and silently prayed that this engagement was going to be successful (and would minimize her dramatic posts). But Lisa set herself up for part of it as well by constantly narrating her love life as well as her heartbreaks more often than she changed her profile picture.
Just like no one really wants or needs to know what you ate for dinner, no one wants or needs to know about every date, every new prospect, every rejection, or every kiss. Keep some intimate items to yourself or share them with your closest friends. Not only is it no one’s business but new JDate prospects who are on Facebook or will eventually be your Facebook friend will be able to look back and see all of thee dramatic posts and may think differently about you because of it.
Who are you? Who are you with your friends, with your family, at work, on dates and in a relationship? Are you the same person or do you have different personas depending upon who you’re around? If you’re dating someone and begin introducing them to your family, friends and coworkers are they going to recognize you and your personality?
Everyone is on their best behavior during the first few dates with someone new, that’s understandable and acceptable, but if you make a complete 180 once you get serious or are around other people then you aren’t being real, and you’re not being fair to yourself or your date. Don’t be fake, that requires far too much effort, and you don’t want someone who likes you for who you are pretending to be.
I’ve had guys cancel dates on me because of the following, last minute, sudden, and urgent reasons:
-I’m just too tired to go out tonight
-I really need to get to the gym
-I have to work late—which really, usually, means there’s a good football or basketball game on
-Something came up—see above for the real reason.
I get it. Things come up. Schedules get overbooked and people get over tired. But if you’re going to cancel a date, be sure to do it like this:
Do: Be honest, but remind them that they are still a priority. Let them know what has come up and if you could reschedule. Please, please, please let them know this far in advance. Most people take their schedules and to-do lists very seriously. Any interruptions just cause an enormous amount of stress—I know, it’s embarrassing to admit that.
Don’t: Use an excuse to cancel the date because you’re no longer into them. If that’s the case, don’t hide behind an excuse. Call the whole thing off—in a nice way.
Read Jen’s new book: All My Friends are Engaged http://www.goo.gl/W8Sxz3