under Online Dating
Among the gentlemen I have “Secretly Admired,” there is this one guy I particularly like but he hasn’t “admired” me back. I’ve seen that he logged in recently, but there’s no record of him viewing my profile… which, of course, could be just due to his search setting not showing the profiles he views. I think there are good chances he did view my profile and is simply not interested. However, there are also some slim chances he just missed the admirer game.
To cut a long story short… should I email the guy? Or would I just make a complete fool of myself?
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Dear Should I Email?
The short answer is YES! You’re exactly right, his search preferences may not include you, or he may not know about the ability to use the “See Who’s Viewed You” function. Alas, he would need nearly all of his search preferences to exclude you in order for you to not show up, and nearly everyone uses the “Viewed You” function. Since he hasn’t even viewed your profile, then he may be judging a book by it’s cover and may not prefer your profile photo. Switch it up. Take some new photos.
At the end of the day though, don’t leave it to chance. Send him an email, but don’t bother including the details of “Secretly Admiring” him or constantly viewing him, just tell him you think he’s attractive, and note a few of the things you have in common.
under Date Night
How long have you been on JDate? Are you having any success? You might be asking yourself:
- “Why isn’t this working out for me?”
- “How come I can’t get a date?”
Let me tell you the story of my current client, let’s call him Jake… Jake had trouble with online dating and couldn’t get any dates. I tried so hard to figure out what the issue was. Finally, I said, let me see exactly what you are writing in your emails. 30 seconds, I found out the problem. It’s the same problem that causes many men to fail at getting dates when they meet women in person. Do you want to know what it is?
THEY DON’T ASK!
I know it sounds ridiculous, but it’s true. Over and over again, I see men refusing to take the initiative and ask for a date. In regard to online dating, it’s always better to go for a number first. That way you can have a quick phone chat and get to know each other better before you jump into making plans for a date. Either way, Jake wasn’t asking for the number either. Instead, he would message back and forth and back and forth. If you’re reading this and you haven’t gotten any dates yet, does this sound familiar? Have you asked a girl for her number yet? Don’t be afraid! That’s what online dating is all about. Message a few times and then go for it!
Back to Jake…
The next week after I gave him some advice, he came back and told me how he finally got his first date. How exciting! Instead of sending long messages back and forth with non-stop flirting that leads to nowhere, he finally went for it. The lesson here is to make the move. Women want you to. And the women who are using online dating sites are on there for a reason… they want dates!
Here’s a quick tip: After 2-3 message exchanges, ask for the number. She wants you to.
under Date Night
There’s a lot of ways you can impress a woman, but today I want to focus on what does NOT impress her. I have found that a lot of men are clueless when it comes to the concept of attraction. They think certain things will make their date like them better. If you think that might include you (and it might!), here’s a quick list of four things most men think impress women… but actually don’t!
Money does not “impress” a woman. Success does. Any woman who is impressed by your money is usually in the relationship because you have money, which means she’s not impressed by you. Flaunting money around will only attract the gold diggers — and I’ve noticed those types of relationships don’t last very long. Keep the cash in your wallet.
Don’t show off. Your mother taught you better. The second you start one-upping her on your accomplishments, she gets turned off. It’s okay to talk about some of the great things you’ve done, but spread it out over many dates and be sure to ask about her accomplishments as well!
3) Name dropping
There’s a time and a place for this, and it’s definitely not in the beginning of the courting process. If it happens to come up that Vince Vaughn is her favorite actor and your cousin’s friend’s old babysitter used to date him, then fine. But, if it’s not relevant to the conversation, don’t think about bringing it up out of nowhere.
4) Trying too hard
Chivalry is one thing, but “people pleasing” is another. If you’re trying too hard to impress her by agreeing with everything she says, you’ll appear weak. Now don’t get me wrong: always pay for the first date, open her door into the restaurant, and be a gentleman. But, don’t go overboard or it will be a little much.
Now that you’ve learned how NOT to impress a woman, it’s time to learn what does work when it comes to impressing your date! For more tips on this, check out my video on How to Impress A Girl.
under Date Night
I’ve admitted this before; I’m terrible at responding to messages that float into my inbox on JDate. Sometimes I don’t respond because of lack of interest and sometimes because I simply just forget. That’s why I’m a fan of the second round of messages.
- Do: Feel free to send a second follow up email to a person you didn’t hear back from after a week or so. It happens that someone could be interested, but just forgot to respond. Or perhaps they thought they sent you something in return, but never did. Consider sending something friendly and leave out the “how come you didn’t write me back” attack mode. Remember: they don’t have to write you back… ever. It’s your job to make them want to respond.
- Don’t: Send a hundred messages. Know when enough is enough—kind of like how your stomach starts to punch you when you’ve eaten too many Oreo cookies. If you send two messages to a person and still receive no response, consider being done with them. Three is not the charm in this case, it’s simply just a bit creepy. If they don’t respond the second time, I fear they never will.
under Single Life
More statistics from the survey by Market Tools, Inc (who interviewed more than 5,000 singles over the age of 21) had to do with if singles are perceived as date-able when they are impacted by today’s economics. This being the “boomerang” generation (meaning many singles, couples, and families are moving back in with their parents after college, between jobs, or as they are starting new careers) means many 20 and 30-somethings refer to their parents as “roommates,” and may also have accrued debt along the way.
So, do these things still mean you’re date-able? Survey says… “Yes!” (with caveats of course).
- 65% of singles would date someone with debt up to $5,000 — although less so with someone who has high student loan debts to pay off
- 49% of singles would date someone who lived at home with their parents
Overall, singles want to date someone who has ambition. If you live at home and have some debt, but have a clear plan to get your life moving forward, then those things can be overlooked and accepted. If you’re in the process of buying your own home for instance, or if you moved home and have some debt at 32-years-old because you decided to pursue your dreams of going to culinary school after studying and working in another field, than that would be another good reason.
Laziness and irresponsibility is not attractive.
Most conversations I have with my mother ultimately lead to her asking for a schedule of any future dates I’ve agreed to go on. Which most of the time, my answer to her is explicitly simple and can be summarized in one of my most infamous and favorite sayings: I don’t have time.
“What do you mean you don’t have time?” She’ll demand, as if having a full-time job, perpetual errands to run, and an overwhelming desire for more sleep isn’t a good enough reason to name drop a phrase like that. “You’re just making excuses…this is your future we are talking about!”
Maybe she is right. Maybe “I don’t have time” is just an excuse for “I really don’t want to do this.”
- Do: Block out one day a week, if possible, for a date. That way when someone asks you out at the start of the week, you’ll have an evening reserved to give them a chance. If your life is off-the-wall busy, block out a few days a month until things begin to slow down.
- Don’t: Put dating on the back burner when a great opportunity to go out with someone or meet someone new comes to the forefront. Give someone a chance and be open to meeting people in the most bizarre places and situations—I’m very much talking about through online dating. Trade “I don’t have time” in for “I’ll give you a chance.”
For more from Jen Glantz here!
under Date Night
What do singles want? An online survey (taken by Market Tools Inc.) of more than 5,000 singles over the age of 21 said the first thing they judge about their date is… teeth. Why teeth? Teeth are an indication of your overall health.
So, make sure you:
- Floss the night before a date so your gums aren’t still swollen the next day
- Brush your teeth right before a date
- Pop a piece of minty gum in your mouth as you approach your date
- Don’t eat or drink anything on your date which will stain your teeth (ie. red wine) or smoke.
Even if you’re a smoker and your date is okay with that, try to not smoke after brushing your teeth until the date is over. You could have crowded teeth or a bad bite, but as long as your teeth are clean and white — and your gums are pink and healthy — then fret not, you will pass judgment.
Of course, you should floss regularly and brush your teeth twice a day and not smoke at all, but we all know that’s not always going to happen!
under Online Dating
So you’ve been messaging back and forth with that cute punum the past week and you finally set up a date. Maybe you even had a phone call beforehand and got to know each other. The date is set and the place is picked. To help ensure you make it a successful date, I’ve made a list of three essential steps to take:
Don’t go into this thinking he/she will be your future husband or wife. Take it slow. A lot of people get super excited about dates and think “this may be ‘The One.’” If you go into a date with that mindset, then you will set yourself up to lose. Instead, think about this date as another experience you get to have with an interesting person. Heck, you already qualified them for what you’re looking for. Now, enjoy the time together and don’t rush it.
2) Dress The Part
This advice is mostly for the guys here. Dress up! This is a date. Think Friday Night Services. You want to impress your date and look good, right? Put on a decent collared shirt (make sure it fits) and a nice pair of shoes. Women give extra special bonus points to the guys who know how to dress. Girls, I’m sure you got this part handled.
3) Bring the Energy!
Yes, I said to relax, so this might seem a little contradictory. But, dates are about fun! If you aren’t eager to be there, then you will put your date off. Ask them intriguing questions. Tell them your funniest stories (don’t get too crazy). And have fun. When you enjoy the moment, the people around you will enjoy it too. It’s never enough to just show up. Bring your A-game.
Those are the most important tips to having a successful date #1. Follow these three tips and you will be on your way to a successful date #2. That is what you want, isn’t it?
Read more from Tripp here.
under Single Life
Okay so some college basketball player recently and horrifically broke his leg. I’ve broken my leg several times, and though it wasn’t nearly as painful as his must have been, nor was it televised, it still hurt very much. This guy is getting a lot of deserved sympathy. Will he be able to play again? He had a very promising future. I actually have no idea. He could have been the worst player of all time. I have no idea.
I think my point for this new pointless post is that in order to gain sympathy, you have to be really good at something. When I broke my foot in junior high by landing funny on my sandal, the only attention I got was from my friend who laughed at me as I limped back into his apartment and cried. Sports radio stations did not discuss my debilitating injury, nor was I on the front page of cnn.com. However, the next day at school, I did gain some sympathy from some of my female classmates until I noticed them looking at my Hershey’s bar in my hand. I’m not man candy! This chocolate is my last bastion of happiness that I’m desperately clinging to until I can lock myself in my room and glue myself to the television.
This theory remained constant throughout adulthood. Sympathy is only evoked if you have other redeeming qualities, and I can’t always carry around a Hershey’s bar. I’m not made of money. Actually no, that’s completely wrong. Most women have hated me, despite any unfortunate circumstances that have come my way. It wasn’t until I met my fiancée that I realized that sympathy is not a tool to use for self-esteem. Instead it is a mutual thing to help both people realize not just their codependence but also their fusion as a coherent whole.
I have gone broke from a first date more than once. Somehow, going on a date just extracts the paper bills from the inside of my pleather wallet without me realizing what’s happening. Once, a few months ago, going on a date even forced me to overdraw my bank account. Talking about who should pay for a first date should be on the list of topics for the next presidential debate (just kidding), as it warrants much emotion, opinions and even deal-breaking decisions by those who have rules and guidelines tattooed in their minds.
Here’s my breakdown on the payment plan for a first date—this one is targeted to the girls:
- Do: Always offer to contribute on the first date. You both mutually decided to go out and “meet” each other on this awkward rendezvous and it’s only right you offer to shell out the cash for your half of the meal, or your gulp of a full glass of Pinot. You can follow your own rules on dates two through infinity. However, you should use your manners and offer to pay on the first round.
- Don’t: Turn your shoulder on a first date who makes you pay. Yes, it’s lovely to be wined and dined on occasion, but it’s best to consider a first date with someone as a friendly meeting. A “let’s get to know each other—on a surface level and go from there” kind of thing. Don’t be upset or feel as though you’ve been stiffed.
Read more of Jen Glantz here.