Archive for the ‘Success Stories’ Category

Above and Beyond

by JeremySpoke under Relationships,Success Stories

Unless you’re already a celebrity or naturally secrete cologne out of your pores, you have to treat dating and relationships like it’s the only thing keeping you from death. Don’t be on time to s***, be an hour early. Don’t buy her a Kit-Kit bar, buy her a King Size Kit-Kat bar.

Whenever you think you’ve gotten her a nice gift, it’s not. Get her more. Always more. You need to have my mindset in that you’re always convinced she’s going to leave you. If not, and you have nothing to fear, you will lose her. Even if you love her, without fear, you have nothing to lose, and this is more scary than anything else. If you’re thinking about her, call her. If you’re not thinking about her, call her. If you’re asleep, call her. Better to by clingy than an asshole.

Of course, if you’re just starting to date someone  it’s probably best to not call all the time. Maybe this is a good time to be a tad more arrogant and to prove your self worth or something. After she realizes how great you are, then you can be a little more modest, and settle down in a comfortable relationship. If you are an asshole, then hide it. Or at least hide it for a little while until the time is right to tell her. You’ll know when the time is. Maybe it’s while somebody cuts you off on the highway and she’s in the passenger’s seat, and she gives you a little nod signifying it’s time to unleash Road Hulk. If she’s comfortable with how much of a jerk you are, then the two of you are truly in love.

Of course, there will come a time when things will settle down, and the spark will fade a little. This is when divorces happen. That’s why you have to keep it up. Make it a routine to show her how much she means to you. Shower her with love, or with showers, because hygiene is important above all else.


Seven Months Ago

by JeremySpoke under Success Stories,Weddings

As much as my life has improved over the last two years, it has improved exponentially over the past seven months ago. A little over seven months ago, I was sitting in a hotel room in San Antonio with my dad. I was obsessing and depressed and felt like my life was spiraling downhill even though I rationally knew it wasn’t. It was about some insignificant s*** like the room number of our hotel room was not to my liking. As I hit the lowest point of this anxiety-ridden meltdown, I got a notification on my phone of a new JDate message.

I hadn’t been active on JDate for a couple of years, but still periodically received messages. Like I’ve said before, I think that the best way to conduct yourself on a dating site is to not aggressively search for and message people. Treat it like real life. You don’t walk up to every woman you ever see and ask them on a date. If you do, you’re not real, and exist on a TV show or are a Ryan Gosling movie. Every once in a while, when you’re feeling crazy, and drunk, you may hit on a woman, but usually you hang low.

So I got a message while feeling really s***** and it completely made my night. I knew it wouldn’t go anywhere until I woke up this morning engaged. It wasn’t a disease I had contracted while sleeping. I got tested. I had proposed the night before and she inexplicably said, ‘Yes.’ I had taken her out to the restaurant where we had our first date. Actually, it was the same table, and it was awesome.

So now I’m engaged and have officially won at dating.

So what do you guys think about this sequester business?


When Life Gives You Lemons…

by JeremySpoke under Success Stories

You’re up all night urinating.

A good measure of a man is how he handles a bad situation, and if that was the only measure of me as a person, I would be the human equivalent of a Comcast customer service representative.

Everything brings me down. I can’t make lemonade out of anything! When life gives me lemons, sugar, and water, I throw it back at you and punch you in the face. Every minor setback is a year-long uphill battle out of a hole that I never completely climb out of. If I get in a fender bender, don’t try to talk to me for at least two weeks. My bumper has a slight scratch on it that may have been avoided if the guy in front of me had decided to not stop suddenly for no reason! I can’t have any of that!

So today, when I realized that the button had fallen off of my boxers, that was it. My day ended at 9 am. I couldn’t focus on helping people… and walking… and opening doors… and whatever else my routine requires when there’s no button on my underpants! Where is this button? Did it fall out in the wash? Am I wearing somebody else’s underwear? If so, why do they have my name inscribed on the side? And if somebody else has my name, how do they have access to my home? So I called my locksmith, because apparently I have my own locksmith, and this joke scenario is now over.

If I could only move on from minor setbacks, I would be so much better of a person. However, it is always an uphill battle, and setbacks are always going to happen. Some people just roll with it: “Alright, so there’s no button on my boxers? I’m running for president tomorrow, son!”

I just need every possible thing in my life to go right for the rest of my life. But really the only way for that to happen is to react positively to the things that don’t.


The Best Dating Advice You Will Ever Hear

by JeremySpoke under Date Night,Success Stories

Step 1: Be extremely attractive.

Step 2: Be extremely wealthy.

Step 3: Do not get a tattoo on your face.


Letting Yourself Go

by JeremySpoke under Relationships,Success Stories

You work your whole life to make yourself desirable. If you’re lucky enough to find someone to spend the rest of your life with, what’s the point in maintaining it, other than wanting to extend your life with this person? Oh, I suppose that is why.

But honestly, it seems like a lot of people tend to let themselves go after they settle down. However, coming right off of a huge amount of weight loss and adherence to a strict diet, I am not planning on letting that happen anytime soon. I don’t really care what anybody thinks about my looks, other than my girlfriend, but that’s more than enough motivation. I always have to look my best for her. If I know I’m seeing her the next day, I make sure to take an extra long shower and to actually use a clean towel when drying myself off. You guys may wince at that, but how many guys out there use a clean towel every time they shower? Really? Do you understand how much laundry that takes? Especially when you only have one towel left because the rest are lost in a mountain of clothes strewn out on the floor of your closet?

My OCD goes into hyperdrive before I see her. I don’t cut any corners. If I own a hygienic product, I’m using it. I suddenly have a beard trimmer in my cabinet for some reason, and I’m for damn sure using it, and I have absolutely no facial hair.

I don’t believe that my motivation to better my physical self will change as my relationship develops. I’ve had a whole new mindset over the past year and a half. Nothing will stop me on my journey to chiseled super sex god.


By a Thread

by JeremySpoke under Relationships,Success Stories

Anything good that has or will ever happen to you is hanging by a very thin thread. At any moment, you could die in so many ways, the love of your life could leave you, you could lose all of your wealth, or your internet and cable television could go out yet again because you settled for Comcast. Nothing is for sure except regular urination and death, and even that is not secure if you have something wrong with your bladder or kidneys.

Don’t get too comfortable. I know this and am never comfortable. No matter how good my life seemingly gets, in the back of my mind I know I could lose it all in an instant. Yes, it helps me take nothing for granted, but it also takes up the majority of the hours in the day. Is it worth it? Probably not. Can I help it? I cannot. Will we all eventually die anyway? Yes.

Maybe after a certain amount of time with the love of my life, I will realize she’s not going away. Until then, I will continue to experience constant heart palpitations, back sweats, the inability to speak, and a lot of forehead scratching. Maybe there’s a certain amount of time that G-d’s making me live through before I can experience this. There is only so much more I can take.

I shouldn’t complain, though. Life is good. I have the best girlfriend of all time, a great job, and Tums I haven’t had to use in over a year. I have to lay down, though.

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Help Wanted: Sesame Street Live Writers

by JeremySpoke under Date Night,Entertainment,Success Stories

I’ve seen some bad things in my life. I saw a kid get hit by a car. I saw an entire season of Repo Games. I saw myself in the mirror three years ago. Up until last night, I have never seen anything as bad as the writing that went into the live production of Sesame Street that toured through our city.

I have pretty high standards when it comes to Sesame Street and The Muppets, and I won’t tolerate any B.S. I spent my entire early childhood glued to Sesame Street. So much so that my little brother would often try to mess with me while watching and I once ripped his head off. The doctors had to surgically reconnect it. True story.

Granted, it’s been a few years since I’ve seen it, and I really only went last night because I wanted to watch my girlfriend’s daughter enjoy the show. Also, I didn’t pay for the tickets. Also, I got a soda. Also, I got to spend time with my girlfriend. Also, it was an Elmo-centric show, and Elmo is easily one of my top four Sesame Street characters and top nine Muppets. I didn’t have high expectations, because I figured it would be geared towards two-year-olds. But for the same reason that kids’ movies have some adult undertones, this show should have at least had some sort of a plot.

Instead, it was characters dancing and singing about nothing, with each segment having nothing at all to do with the preceding or proceeding. The show was loosely centered on the idea that Elmo stole Abby’s magic wand. However, even this didn’t make any sense, and it was just an excuse for Elmo to dance around with a wand and make magic things happen like lights go off and then on again.

They played a lot of the classic Sesame Street songs, which were great, but they also played some other songs. I don’t know if these are Sesame Street songs that have been written within the past 22 years, or just some crap they threw together for this show, but I rather would have just heard the song “Sing played nonstop for an hour and a half.

Also, this is just a little gripe, but Cookie Monster did not eat a single cookie. As an adult, I often question why a children’s television character’s single characteristic is his love for cookies, especially in the midst of a childhood obesity epidemic. However, it’s Cookie Monster. There’s no going back. If he’s going to be in the show, which he damn sure should be, feed the guy a cookie.


More Time for Hugging

by JeremySpoke under Date Night,Success Stories

I am writing this blog post at my girlfriend’s home. I consider that in itself a success. I’m an expert at almost nothing, but — if there’s something I not only do not qualify to give advice on, but believe that my advice may actually cause bodily harm — it’s dating.

Dating sucks. That’s why typical dating spots usually offer an abundance of alcohol. Without alcohol I would be so much of a worse/better dater.

The first enjoyable date I have ever attended was the first one with my current girlfriend. Yes, I had a beer, and yes, fajitas were involved, but there was so much more. Sour cream… Guacamole….

It was the first time I was out with a person when I was simultaneously not nervous at all — and yet completely terrified. I could completely be myself, yet still had to calculate my every move because I wanted another opportunity to be myself again. On the drive home, though I had just experienced something great, I knew, because of a lifetime of being in this situation before, that this would have been our only experience together.

She texted me five minutes after I left.

Today, I’m still in disbelief. For example, after spending a weekend with her, there’s still a part of me that believes she won’t want to see me again. Every new text from her is just like the first one.

I suppose 15 children and 65 years may improve my confidence.


Refusal to Age

by JeremySpoke under Single Life,Success Stories

I always see myself as young and healthy. Back when I wasn’t healthy, I was younger. Now that I’m healthy, I’m older. I never saw myself as overweight. Now, when I look at old pictures of myself, I wonder who that vaguely attractive semi-obese man is, and wonder why my mother never told me I have a second brother with no self control.

Back when I was big, and I saw those same photos, I didn’t see myself as other than skinny. Now, though thin, I refuse to believe I’m aging. My hairline is somewhat receding, yet I’m already using really cheesy middle-aged-man-methods to try to cover it up. I clip the front of my hair to make it try to blend in better. I brush my hair forward. I wear hats. I’m just kidding about the hats. I hate hats.

I believe God gave me the option of either youth or health, but never at the same time. Imagine if I had been young and healthy. I would have been married by age 18. That actually would have led to way more problems. In a way I’m glad I’m just now getting my life together.It helped me realize how bad things can get and appreciate how far I’ve come. If I had settled down by age twenty, I would have never realized what it’s like to really hit rock bottom, and wouldn’t appreciate anything, including my wife. Today, I appreciate my girlfriend more than anything, and I believe this is part of the reason. For ten years, I couldn’t even get a second date. Now, not only did I get a second date, but I’m on the cusp of starting a new life with someone who I wouldn’t have even imagined saying ‘hi’ to just two years ago.

However, I am still aging. My hair will fall out. My hip, which was just diagnosed with dysplasia, will give out. I will eventually care if my taxes get raised. I’m not a child anymore, and I really have no room to mess around. I can’t really sleep in anymore unless I’m sick, and even then, I really can’t. I can’t go to McDonalds everyday anymore. I can’t build forts anymore, because my sheets no longer have cartoons on them, so they would just end up looking like tents.

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Checkbook

by JeremySpoke under Success Stories

Without knowing how to properly allocate my income, I often find myself spending a lot of money on shampoo and then suddenly find myself without power, running water, or any form of insurance whatsoever.

How am I supposed to know how much money I’m supposed to spend on different things? Walgreens has 28 different types of shampoo, and I need them all for my hair to smell nice! Car insurance does not in any way make my hair smell nice!

I need to hire a financial advisor, unless that’s not what a financial advisor does. Now I will need money to pay someone to tell me what a financial advisor does. And eventually I will need someone to tell me where I can find a financial advisor-advisor.

Anytime I come across something I think I need, I spend money on it. If I can’t see it (insurance, car payments, psychic hotlines), it’s a lot more difficult for me to justify payments. I need instant gratification. I don’t even like ordering takeout or going to the grocery store. I want to pay for food and immediately eat the food. I’m not going to pay for something and then wait to make it myself. I’ve come too far in life to remember how to make something from other things.

So, as my life progresses and I begin to take on new responsibilities, I really need to know how to spend my money more wisely. When I was little, I had a plan to save all of my money once I got an adult job and wear really trashy clothes and eat really cheap food until I had enough money to buy a tuxedo. Basically, the tuxedo was the ultimate sign of success. I still do not have a tuxedo. I have so far to go.