JBlog®

Are You Accepting Every Date?

by Tamar Caspi under Date Night,JDate,Relationships,Single Life

Michelle was in her mid-20’s and was tired of being pestered by her Mom, Janice, to find a nice, Jewish husband. So much so, in fact, that she told her mother that she was absolutely forbidden from setting her up on dates. Michelle needed boundaries with her Jewish mother (don’t we all?) and she was adamant about finding her Beshert on her own. So, when Janice was approached by her good friend Karin who wanted to set up her nephew with Michelle, Janice politely refused because she wanted to respect Michelle’s wishes. But those same boundaries didn’t automatically apply to Karin and so she called Michelle directly. Of course, Michelle called to yell at her mom, but Janice was just as surprised as Michelle was that Karin took it upon herself to call! Michelle went ahead and met Karin’s nephew… and 30 years later they’ve been married 28 years with 3 kids and 1 grandchild.

Michelle didn’t want her Mom to set her up, but at least she was still willing to allow someone else to play matchmaker! Are you accepting every date you’re asked out on?


Hello JDate World

by Rabbi Josh Yuter under JBloggers,Rabbi,Relationships,Single Life
“Those who can, do. Those who can’t, blog.”

 

Hello JDate Blog readers! My name is Josh Yuter and I’m thrilled be your guest blogger for the next few months. You might know me from such websites as YUTOPIA or JewishGuitarChords.com, or from such synagogues as The Stanton St. Shul.

You might be wondering why I have any business writing about dating or relationships, especially considering that I’ve never been married. On the other hand, I never claimed to be an expert on dating either. (Not that being married itself makes someone an expert in dating. If anything, people who got married to the first person they dated actually know very little about dating, let alone the struggles that other people may have).

What I do have is years of first-hand experience dating and the uncensored stories and perspectives shared with me by friends. I also have a unique way of looking at the dating world, in part due to a general tendency to overthink, and in part due to my own exasperation being subjected to other people’s pontifications.

The first thing to remember is that dating is not, nor has it ever been, one size fits all. I’ve personally referred to dating as chasing a “moving target,” for the very simple reason that what one person finds attractive another finds repellant. To assume that all men or all women are the same, such that generalizations are meaningful, is to deny that yes, we are all individuals.(Spoiler: I’m going to break this rule in my next post).

I’m also well aware that I’m limited by my own perceptions, so I’d alove to hear if you’ve got your own ideas or questions you’d like to share. Just drop me a line using this form and, while I can’t guarantee I’ll be able to answer everyone personally, I might address some issues in this space while maintaining everyone’s confidentiality.

I don’t know who will be reading this column so it would be irresponsible for me to dispense any specific advice. The best I can do is share some of my experience and thoughts; you might find some of what I say helpful, or you might disagree based on your own experiences. At the end of the day it’s up to you to figure out what’s best for your own life. Whether or not you agree with anything I have to say, if I can get someone to think about the world just a little differently – even for a moment – I’m going to call that a “win.”


When No News Isn’t Good News

by Tamar Caspi under Date Night,Online Dating,Relationships

There are a few times that no news is not good news when dating or in a relationship:

  1. After your first date: if you haven’t heard from a date within two days, then chances are you never will. And, if you hear after a week or two, then chances are your date isn’t really interested, but is bored and lonely. Don’t fall into this trap and think this date suddenly changed their mind about how great you are a few weeks later, they are simply looking for a hook-up.
  2. After dating for a couple months: if you suddenly don’t hear from someone you’ve been dating regularly, then chances are they are too chicken to break things off with you and are playing the disappearing act instead. You can move on or send a voicemail/text to let them know that you are sad they couldn’t just tell you it’s off, but that you wish them luck in the future. Be the better person and don’t throw barbs about how immature they are acting.
  3. After going through a tough time while being in a monogamous relationship: if your significant other doesn’t ask follow-up questions when you make a statement about having a stressful day at work, or getting into a fight with a loved one, or not feeling well, then chances are your S.O. is likely checking out of the relationship. If your S.O. isn’t interested in what’s going on in your life… then it’s time to have a talk.

Regardless of your situation, when you aren’t getting the response or communication you need, then speak up… you have nothing to lose!


De-Clutter… Everything!

by Tamar Caspi under Date Night,Online Dating,Relationships,Single Life

Once, while going to the bathroom at a date’s house, I watched a slug inch its way out of the shower drain. I was totally grossed out and was about to turn on the shower to wash it down the drain, but only then realized there was just a square left on the toilet paper roll. Luckily, I had tissues in my purse (which I had brought in with me to freshen up my makeup). When I went to dry my hands though, I couldn’t find a hand towel. And when I went to turn on the water to drown this slimy thing, there was no showerhead! The water just burst straight out of the pipe from the wall! I decided to forget about the slug and returned to kitchen where I found an empty fridge, except for some random cans of beer and a dingy-looking box of baking soda.

Repulsed, I decided to concentrate on what I considered to be the cleaner, nicer areas of the house. Except I had overlooked the spider webs in the ceiling corners, the threadbare carpet, and the foot-high pile of mail… because I liked the guy. But now? Now I had an entirely new perspective on both his home as well as him. If he couldn’t keep his home clean, in even the most hygienic of ways at minimum, then what else in his life was lacking?

A recent study continues to make the rounds on social media connecting creative people with being messy. As if people needed another excuse to be untidy! But when you’re dating, you need to de-clutter… and that goes for your house and your life.

First things first, if you’re going to bring a prospect home then you need to clean up. You can do it in an hour or less and with a pack of disinfectant wipes. Make your home presentable because a date will judge you by the state of your home. Your furniture doesn’t have to be expensive, but it does have to be clean and neat, even it means throwing things in drawers and closets for the day.

Next, make it a priority to de-clutter your life. Your personal Facebook page doesn’t need more than 1000 “friends” and neither do you. Get rid of those people who cause drama in your life and while you’re at it, unfriend the people who you don’t really know.

Another study I like better shows how simplifying your life will help you make important decisions.

That guy who’s house was totally gross? He’s still single six years later. And no, he’s not a creative type. And yes, his closet was packed to the brim with clothes!


I Moustache You a Question

by Tamar Caspi under Date Night,News,Relationships

Between the facial hair trend and “Movember” starting back up again, guy’s faces are looking scruffier than ever.

The Movember movement was created to raise awareness for men’s health issues, and it’s awesome that so many men are participating by growing their moustaches, beards, and goatees. But, women really don’t want their man’s facial hair to get in their mouth during a kiss… nor do they want to have chapped lips and chafed cheeks after a lengthy make-out session.

Unless you’re raising money for Movember, then either shave or keep your trimmer ready and waiting for a daily grooming session. Some men look great with a moustache or beard, but if you are hearing from your family and friends that you should shave, then perhaps you should listen and break out the shaving cream and razor.


Being Brave Enough to Bail

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

My friend Greg and his girlfriend moved in together about two months ago… and this past weekend, she moved out. It turns out they cannot co-habitate. It took a lot of bravery on both their parts to admit that it wasn’t working out, and wasn’t going to.

After couples have been dating for a while and are either engaged or living together (or both) they tend to let their ego get the best of them and sweep their problems under the rug, rather than face them and possibly end up on the dating scene again. But ending a bad relationship takes courage. Admitting that you are unhappy, or that the relationship is just not right, takes courage. Starting over after thinking that you had met “The One” takes courage.

Better to break off an engagement, or change your living situation, then to end up married and unhappy and possibly getting a divorce. Don’t worry about what people will think, in fact, they will likely admire you for being brave enough to recognize when something wasn’t right and changing your path.


Dating and Technology Don’t Mix

by Tamar Caspi under Date Night,Relationships,Single Life

“Relationships can be harder now because conversations become texting, arguments become phone calls, and feelings become status updates.” -unknown

Technology has changed dating as we know it. But you don’t have to let it get the best of you and your relationships. Utilize technology to your benefit: meet someone on JDate (online dating), exchange a few messages (email), call to make plans (phone), and send a quick message when you’re running a few minutes late (text), and do a quick search to make sure your date is who they say they are (social media). Do not use any of those paths to hold a deep and personal conversation or get into an argument or to be passive aggressive about how you’re feeling at any given time. Face-to-face interaction is always best.

Too much can get lost in translation when you’re using technology, and frankly, it also shows a lack of effort. If you like someone and see a future with them (or if you care about someone enough to show them some respect), then put down the phone, close the laptop, turn off bluetooth, and plug in to some one-on-one time without any distraction.

 


Choice vs. Chance

by Tamar Caspi under JDate,Relationships,Single Life

“No one falls in love by choice, it is by chance. No one stays in love by chance, it is by work. And no one falls out of love by chance, it is by choice.” -unknown

I do agree with this quote, particularly the part about love being work. But I would also add that you have to give chance the opportunity to happen to you, which means you need to make the choice to be a proactive dater. That means buying that JDate membership, downloading the JPix app, going to Jewish single shmoozers, agreeing to be setup on dates, and being the best you that you can be so that when the right person does come along you are open and willing.


Where is Everyone?

by Tamar Caspi under Date Night,JDate,Online Dating,Single Life

A JDater wrote me today asking me where all the JDaters are… he said every profile he clicks is on is either fake or inactive. Ummm, not quite buddy!

Sure, there are people who forget to delete their profile, or are waiting to see where a relationship goes before deleting their account, but you can easily see who is on JDate regularly by choosing the option to see who is “Most Active.”

As for the rumor that there are models posing as “fake” JDaters — why is it so unrealistic to think there are really great looking Jews out there who are or were once on JDate? Is it possible that there are trolls out there creating fake accounts just to check out other singles? Sure. You will find that on every dating site and social media site. That’s the reality of the internet.

But you can’t be hindered by the people who aren’t responding to you. You have to keep looking for prospects who fit the majority of your preferences and reach out to them. This is a numbers game, so the more you view, click, and email prospects, the better your chances are of finding someone.

And if no one is responding then there are two possibilities: your preferences are either too narrow and therefore you don’t have enough options to choose from, or your own profile needs some tweaking along with what you’re saying in your emails. I’ve covered the former many times in this blog, and for help with the latter you can email me at editor@jdate.com for an Extreme Profile Makeover… or send me samples of your emails to dissect!


Comfort First

by Tamar Caspi under Date Night,JDate,Online Dating,Single Life

At the end of the day, at the end of a date, you have to have a sense of comfort with the person you’re with. If you’re not comfortable saying what you’re feeling, or giving your opinion, or disagreeing with your date… then perhaps you should think twice about accepting the next date.

I’m not saying you should be oppositional on a first date, but if your date is ordering shrimp to share, and you don’t eat shellfish, then you should feel comfortable to say so. Or, if your food order was served incorrectly, then you should feel comfortable to say so.

Things may not be comfortable enough on a first, second, or even third date to start debating current events, politics, or sports… but you should feel comfortable enough to not have to sit stiffly and hold your tongue. The best dates are when you are comfortable enough to laugh so hard that your embarrassing snort comes out, or share your most embarrassing story, or simply admit that you can’t wait to see your date again… soon!