Extreme Profile Makeover — “David S.” (Part 2)

by Tamar Caspi under Date Night,JDate,Monday Makeover,Online Dating,Single Life

Hi Tamar,

I’ve been on and off JDate for a while; I’ve never had much success in attracting positive responses, either from women contacting me or responding to my emails. I’ve always had my theories as to why, but if it’s really what I’m saying in my profile, or my pictures, I need a little advice.

Thanks!

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Hi David S.,

In Part 1 of this series, we analyzed your JDate profile, which I thought was pretty good!  Now we will delve into your email correspondence to figure out where things may be going astray in your efforts to find your Beshert.

You previously sent me a version of the following back-and-forth email with a JDate prospect which led nowhere (some specifics were deleted by me either for privacy or brevity):

 

Email #1

Hi there,

Can I just tell you that you have seriously beautiful eyes? Wow.

How are you? …. A snow day is a good opportunity to catch up on those cheesy TV shows. What sort of cheese are you into?So as I mentioned in my profile, I think sense of humor can be a great indicator of compatibility, and it sounds like we both have a similar, sarcastic, witty thing happening. It’s a start, right? :)

 
Email #2

Hi Dave,

Thanks for writing… Are you sticking around [town] or heading somewhere warm?I’ll be around… catching up on those cheesy shows. I watch… How about you?Talk to you soon.

 
Email #3

…I wish I were going some place warm!…   But I’m sticking around too. What is your reality TV of choice? What are you excited to do most over the holidays?

Talk soon.

 

 

Tamar’s Synopsis

Your first email to the prospect was great. You started off with a compliment, and then moved on to a commonality, which said a bit about yourself as well and asked a question. She responded by continuing the commonality conversation and answering your question and then asking you a few questions in return, which shows that she read your email and is interested in learning more about you. Here’s the problem: your final email didn’t answer both her questions. You answered the first about not leaving town due to the cold, but you didn’t tell her what cheesy shows you were watching. You did ask a follow-up question (which was good), but rather than continue the conversation via email you should have asked her out. Email #3 should have gone more like this:

“…I wish I were going some place warm! … But I’m sticking around too. Since we are both going to be in town, I’d love to take you out. Since we are talking about cheesy TV shows, how about the cool new fondue place uptown? Let me know, we can either firm up the plans via email or send me your number if you feel comfortable doing so and I’ll call you to figure out when we’re both free next week.”

Do you see the difference? Your email was more of a pen-pal discussion. You were having first date conversation via JDate email rather than being confident and aggressive and getting that date on the calendar. She showed interest in her response to you — so take that momentum and act on it!


JDate 911 — What Am I Doing Wrong?

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Dear Tamar,

I have no idea what I am doing wrong on JDate. I am a handsome, successful 27-year-old and I think I am just not able to convey that in my profile. I have really tried JDate: I’ve literally sent out a couple hundred messages and gotten very few responses. I don’t know what I am doing wrong could definitely could use some help.

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Dear Mr. Handsome,

First off, you don’t necessarily want to convey that you are successful because you don’t want women showing interest in you based on your riches. And you don’t have to write about how handsome you are — your pictures should do the trick for you as long as you have good photos. My concern when I read “a couple hundred messages” is that you may be sending copy & paste emails — NEVER DO THIS! Make sure your emails are written specifically for that prospect. My other concern about so many emails sent is that your preferences may not be narrow enough and therefore you are sending emails to women who clearly would not be interested in you for whatever reasons. So make sure your profile is not obnoxious about how successful you are, make sure your photos are good, write charming emails, and narrow down your preferences slightly to be more realistic. Don’t give up. The odds are in your favor whether it feels like it or not!


Views, Emails but No Answers

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Dear Tamar,

So far, my profile has been visited by more than 50 girls, and I wrote emails to many of them but only two answered.  Is there something I’m not doing correctly? Maybe I’m not writing the correct text? I don’t like the standard, prewritten emails.  Could I get some advice?

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Dear No Answers,

JDate can be a numbers game… how many women’s profiles are you viewing, sending a Flirt to, clicking on Secret Admirer or adding to your Favorites list? Do you log on daily to view women and make sure the women know you’re interested by viewing them multiple times a week? Do you write emails when you find someone you’re interested in or do you wait for them to view you in return? In order to increase your odds in getting responses to your messages you need to be active and proactive. But make sure your emails aren’t too aggressive, you don’t want to come off as desperate or needy. Tell the women why you are interested in them and what you have in common and that you hope to hear from them soon. Good luck!


An Email No-No

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

A JDater just sent me an email she received to show what she is having to deal with. It wasn’t that she wanted to know how to reply but she wanted me to see what kinds of emails are being sent and how people were presenting themselves.

The email was long. Really, really long. The writer offered his full name and gave his intended permission to Google him. He went on and on about how much he liked her profile, which is nice, but it was over the top. He explained their commonalities, also nice, but again he took it too far. Rather than explain some of what he liked about her and some of what they had in common and then leaving the rest for her to be curious about and for them to explore together, he came off as increasingly desperate the more the email rambled on. He CAPS LOCKED some words and offered other sources for her to investigate him online.

Granted, she could know that he was legit and could be very flattering to someone who does appreciate that amount of effort and attention, but odds are it will be incredibly off-putting to most people. Edit yourself and if you aren’t sure if you need to then have a loved one do it for you.


Should I Email the Guy?

by Tamar Caspi under Online Dating,Single Life

Dear Tamar,

Among the gentlemen I have “Secretly Admired,” there is this one guy I particularly like but he hasn’t “admired” me back. I’ve seen that he logged in recently, but there’s no record of him viewing my profile… which, of course, could be just due to his search setting not showing the profiles he views. I think there are good chances he did view my profile and is simply not interested. However, there are also some slim chances he just missed the admirer game.

To cut a long story short… should I email the guy? Or would I just make a complete fool of myself?

 

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Dear Should I Email?

The short answer is YES! You’re exactly right, his search preferences may not include you, or he may not know about the ability to use the “See Who’s Viewed You” function. Alas, he would need nearly all of his search preferences to exclude you in order for you to not show up, and nearly everyone uses the “Viewed You” function. Since he hasn’t even viewed your profile, then he may be judging a book by it’s cover and may not prefer your profile photo. Switch it up. Take some new photos.

At the end of the day though, don’t leave it to chance. Send him an email, but don’t bother including the details of “Secretly Admiring” him or constantly viewing him, just tell him you think he’s attractive, and note a few of the things you have in common.


Responding to that 1st Email

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Now that you’ve received a perfectly crafted email from someone who read “Tips for Writing that 1st Email” it’s time to craft your response. If you’re not interested, then you can choose whether to ignore the email or, better, to respond respectfully. This can be a copy/paste since you’re only replying for good manners sake… and karma. Simply say “Thank you so much for your interest, I’m very flattered. Though I don’t think we’re a match, I wish you the best in finding your Beshert.”

(If you’re on the receiving end of a rejection letter, just delete and move on. At least you have closure. Don’t dwell on why they don’t think you’re a match. It doesn’t matter.)

If you are interested then… yay! You’re that much closer to finding your Beshert! View the prospect’s profile and respond within 48 hours. Don’t reply too quickly or it will seem overeager and desperate. Somewhere between 24-36 hours is perfect. Thank the person for their email, respond specifically to their compliments and commonalities by pointing out something you noticed both about their physical appearance and their profile and then answer the question they asked. Finally, ask a question of your own in order to keep the conversation going.

Here’s an example of what “PrettyJew4U” could respond to Jacob:

Hi Jacob!

Thanks for your sweet email and for noticing my smile =) I was taken by your eyes because they’re an unusual color but I also liked how they expressed joy in the pictures with your nieces.

I’ve only been to JiRaffe a few times but it’s one of my favorites places! I live in Brentwood, so probably not too far from you. Have you been to Sugarfish? It’s only a few blocks from my place. There’s also a hole-in-the-wall Italian restaurant nearby that’s the best in LA, it’s called Divino, have you been there? I can’t go to the Foodie event this weekend unfortunately, but I’ve always wanted to go! Do you know of any other events coming up?

Hope to hear from you soon,

Marissa


Tips for Writing that 1st Email

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

The 1st email you send once you see someone you like on JDate is quite daunting. How do you start the email? How do you end it? How much do you say about yourself? How much do you say about the other person? How do you stand apart from the rest?

Tip #1 Draft your email in a word document first

Not everyone is a natural-born writer. It’s not always easy to string together a few coherent sentences, especially when you’re both talking about yourself and flattering the other person. By drafting your email in a word doc first you will catch typos and be able to read back over and over until you feel comfortable. Additionally, if you like your opening and closing sentences then you can save each email with the name of the person you sent it to and revise the middle sentences accordingly.

Tip #2 Mention a couple unique items about the prospect

Prove to the person that you read their profile by commenting on one thing specific about their physical features which caught your eye (their “sparkling green eyes”) for example and one specific item from their “About Me” which made you interested enough to send an email. You do not need to make a laundry list of things you have in common. Not only will the prospect look at your profile and see those commonalities, but there’s a reason JDate matched you — there’s an algorithm involved.

Tip #3 Ask a question to illicit a response

Saying you find the person attractive and smart doesn’t give the prospect a reason to respond. Asking if he or she has ever been to ______________ (somewhere you would probably have in common) or if he or she has seen _______________ (a common favorite band you both like) live gives the person a reason to click “reply.”

Tip #4 Keep it short and sweet

More is not always better. You don’t want to come off as overeager because you wrote a dissertation-length email but you don’t want to come off as a lazy copy-and-paster who clearly writes each person the same email. About 5 lines is good.

Tip #5

Once you have a reply, then you yourself need to send a 2nd email within 48 hours. This time, ask your prospect if he or she wants to meet for a meal/drink/activity and then either include your phone number or ask for theirs. If you get their number then call to make the plans within 48 hours.

Tip #6 Move on.

If you don’t receive a response to your 1st email then let it go. The person may not have a paid JDate account and therefore can’t access their inbox or they aren’t interested. Move on. If you don’t receive a response to your 2nd email within 4 days, then follow up with 1 more email mentioning something fun that is going on within the next week and asking if he or she would like to join you. Then don’t contact them again. Take the hint and move on.

Sample letter:

Hi PrettyJew4U,

My name is Jacob and I also live in Santa Monica. Your profile caught my eye because your bright smile brought a smile to my face when I saw your photo. Then once I started reading your profile I realized how much we have common! JiRaffe is one of my favorite restaurants too — surprised we’ve never bumped into each other there. Are you going to the LA Foodie event this weekend?

Looking forward to hearing from you,

Jacob