Dear Tamar,

I have been on and off this site for 10 years, and have not had much success. I have changed my pictures and rewritten my “About me” which is who I am, my first and ideal date, what I am looking for, and what I have learned from the past. Yet, when I write it seems I go all over the place? I was wondering if someone can help me? Thanks!

Dear Back on JDate Again,

The key of writing (or rewriting) your JDate profile is to take your time. Don’t sit down to sign up and try to finish it all in one night. Copy the questions into a blank document and spend a few days writing and editing. Make sure you’re focused, concise and use spell check. Allow a trusted and brutally honest loved one read it over and take their advice. Don’t change your profile too often otherwise you may come off as sketchy by people who are interested but haven’t yet made contact. Spend time reading other people’s profiles to see what you like and don’t like, what would appeal to you and what wouldn’t, and make sure you don’t use too many cliches.

My friend Michelle flies out to Los Angeles over President’s Day weekend every February to meet up with all her sorority sisters. This time, I told her that not only should she change her location and About Me paragraph on her online dating profile to show “Los Angeles” but she should do so now, a few weeks in advance. Although she will only be visiting the area for the long weekend, you never know who you could meet, which means she also has to change her outlook regarding long distance relationships.

Needless to say, telling a guy you’re only coming into town for the weekend will give off a very wrong impression, so a little white lie may be necessary. Saying you’re “thinking of moving” may not be the truth, but it also won’t hurt anyone. All it will do is open Michelle up to more prospects. Sure, the guy may be on the other side of the country right now, but hey, since she hasn’t had luck in New York then why not give it a shot? If it’s Beshert then one of them will gladly move eventually.

When I met “S” while on vacation in Israel I was thinking of moving – although not out of the country! – so my mindset was open. And when “S” heard that I was in a transitional phase of my life, plus had a portable career, he started to consider the idea of something more developing between us. It was each of our openness that allowed a deep connection to develop so quickly, propelled him to ask me to move and gave me the ability to say yes.

It may sound weird to change your online dating profile to a city you’re only visiting for a short time, but why not see who’s out there? And if someone catches your fancy then why not make time to meet up while you’re there? Once I explained this all to Michelle she changed her location from New York to Los Angeles and made her first line in her About Me paragraph to read that she would “be in L.A. and is hoping to meet someone that will help me make a decision about moving to the City of Angels.” She also started checking out her matches in the area and contacted a few guys who caught her eye.

Michelle has already begun communicating with one guy and they’ve arranged to meet-up in a few weeks when she’s in town. Now she’s even more excited about her trip and is already looking for reasons to return even though she hasn’t even gone yet! By opening herself up to possibly meeting someone out of town she has reignited the fire within and now instead of being frustrated with being single she has a positive outlook about dating that she’s already emoting. Who knows, maybe this new attitude will result in her meeting someone in New York before she even goes to L.A.!

This was the whole point of my exercise with Michelle – to help her rediscover her spirit during what can be a frustrating journey. It’s so easy to lose sight of what kind of person you’re looking for and to let the quest get the best of you. By taking a trip, whether it be to a neighboring state or another country, and scoping out the prospects there, you can find that positive energy you’ve lost along the way. A vacation fling could be just what the dating doctor ordered!

How do you stand out in your About Me essay? Make sure your first few words are catchy because that’s what people can see in searches, don’t overuse cliches and try to use descriptive and colorful language.

This isn’t a business proposal and doesn’t need to be stiff and conservative. Although dating may feel like a job interview you can’t treat it that way. Lay it all out on the line because you have nothing to lose. It’s better to go too far and then edit and reel it in a bit rather than not go far enough. You can’t expect someone to read your blurb in the tone you wrote it, so you need to exaggerate and emphasize. Write your profile as though you were talking to your best friend – casual, relaxed, funny, friendly – times 10.

This is the time you need to sell yourself. If you’re funny, don’t just say “I have a sense of humor” say “I promise to keep you laughing all day long.” If you’re smart, don’t say “I’m a genius” say “I’ve never lost at a game of chess, but I’ll let you win and let you think you won.” If you’re successful, don’t say “I’m rich” say “I’ve worked really hard but now it’s time to settle down and enjoy life.” (Or any variation of these phrases.)

Everyone is “looking to share the rest of my life with someone,” but how can you say it in a unique way that expresses your personality? Maybe “I want to fall in love with my best friend, someone I can golf with, watch “Top Chef” with and root for the Patriots with.” This shows your interests and hobbies without just listing them and conveys the same message.

Simply put, you need to stand out – starting with the first few words and going from there. Keep the energy up, have someone who will be honest with you read it and allow them to critique and edit it if necessary. And remember, this isn’t the time to get offended – your loved ones want nothing but the best for you!

Hi Tamar,

I’m new to this whole online dating thing.  What’s the best way to go about it?

Thanks

Dear Let’s Get it Started,

My suggestion would be to first take a look at my past columns about creating a screen name, picking photos, writing “About Me” and choosing your preferences. Then use the search engine to check out your competition and see what their photos look like, how their paragraphs read and so on. Then take your time to craft your profile. Finally, ask some bluntly honest friends and/or family critique your profile. Once that’s done, go through your first round of matches and select who you want to Click!® with so they know you’re interested. Now go get JDating ®!

Dear Tamar,

I live in a mid-size Southern city where the Jewish population is very limited. Let me start out by saying that I cannot move because of business reasons. I am sure that they are lots of Jews in the U.S. who simply do not live in an area where there lots of Jews but still want to marry Jewish and raise their families Jewish. But simply put, the demographic is tough. I do not have the luxury of living on the East or West Coast, Chicago, South Florida, or even Atlanta. Nothing would make me happier than to find a nice Jewish girl who wants to settle down and have a family. BTW, I am 45, never married and am very happy with my life other than the fact that I cannot find a nice Jewish girl who wants to settle down and have family. It is challenging to  logistically “import” one. What suggestions do you have? Have you ever dealt with this issue before?

Dear Geographically Challenged,

You’re in quite a predicament. If there aren’t any Jewish gals in your town or surrounding area, then you’re going to have to, as you say “import” one… although in a much more polite fashion. Your JDate profile needs to read that you live in a great, but smaller town for business and are looking to meet women who would be willing to start in a long distance relationship and ultimately move to your town. This is not as complicated as it sounds, you’d be surprised how many women would move for love — I did! That said, you don’t want a woman who is willing to drop everything and then ends up relying on you for her happiness. I am a freelance writer and can carry on my business from anywhere in the world, so a woman who’s career is computer-centric would be perfect for you. On your end, you’ll have to be open to meeting women from anywhere, fly out to meet them and host them when they come to you. You are asking a lot, which means you have to be willing to make sacrifices on your end. My husband and I are living proof that it can be done, so don’t give up hope. You have the right attitude and the right idea, now you gotta go out and find your girl.

A JDating^® friend of mine that I’ll call Jay asked me for help writing his JDate profile. The thing is, Jay’s current profile comes off as someone who is quiet and reserved while on the phone and in person his voice emits energy, enthusiasm and gobs of personality. This is a huge problem for people who simply are not good at typing or not good at conveying themselves on paper. But when it comes to JDate – or any online dating forum – you don’t really have a choice.

Jay needs to figure out how to let his personality come across in a way that would attract the same amount of women online as he does in person. But I wasn’t going to be writing the paragraph for him, because he needed to learn how to do it himself so when he does contact women via email he won’t run into the same problem.

I explained to Jay that this isn’t a business proposal and didn’t need to be so stiff and conservative. Although dating may feel like a job interview you can’t treat it that way. I told him to lay it all out on the line because he had nothing to lose. In this situation it was better to go too far and then edit and reel it in a bit rather than not go far enough. You can’t expect someone to read your blurb in the tone you wrote it, so you need to exaggerate and emphasize. Write your profile as though you were talking to your best friend – casual, relaxed, funny, friendly – but times 10.

Remember my tip about making sure the first few words are good ones because they will show up on the searches. Saying “I’m a vagabond” is not a great start (actual profile I found) because even if you have a really awesome explanation afterwards you first need the person to click on your profile.

This is the time you need to sell yourself. If you’re funny, don’t just say, “I have a sense of humor.” Instead say, “I promise to keep you laughing all day long.” If you’re smart, don’t say “I’m a genius,” but rather “I’ve never lost at a game of chess, but I’ll let you win.” If you’re successful, don’t say “I’m rich,” say “I’ve worked really hard but now it’s time to settle down.” (Or any variation of these phrases.) Try not to use (or overuse) clichés. Everyone is “looking to share the rest of my life with someone,” but how can you say it in a unique way that expresses your personality? Maybe “I want to fall in love with my best friend, someone I can golf with, watch “Top Chef” with and root for the Mavericks with.” This shows your interests and hobbies without just listing them and conveys the same message.

Simply put, you need to stand out – starting with the first few words and going from there. Keep the energy up, have someone who will be honest with you read it and allow them to critique and edit it if necessary. And remember, this isn’t the time to get offended – your loved ones want nothing but the best for you!

So what if I didn’t read your profile?  I instant messaged (is that a verb?) you based solely on the first picture on your profile.  I’m going to ask you questions that could easily be answered by reading your profile.  You’re going to angrily answer them knowing all the while that I have not read anything about you.   I want to learn things about you by chatting with you; not by reading the same thing that 300 guys have already read.  I want a unique perspective on your life.  I want nuance.  I want misspellings.  I want imperfection.

Everybody’s ‘About Me’ is essentially the same and I’m tired of reading the same thing.  I already assumed that you love to laugh and that you’re looking for a great guy.  Though, I would love to chat with a girl that hates laughing and is looking for an awful man.  That would be interesting and contrary to basic human instincts.  If you hate laughing, I am really interested in just talking to you.  I want to know why.  I am really curious.  Please.  I don’t think I can give my phone number here, but I live in Houston.  It’s a pretty small town.  Look for the Jewish guy.

Anyway, I am also lazy, and often skip over all of the things that you have written about yourself.  Pictures are so much easier to quickly judge another human being by.  I realize that often people’s profile pictures don’t really represent what they actually look like.  I don’t care.  I like the illusion that I am talking to a beauty queen.  Actually, I don’t even care if you posted pictures of a completely different person.  Virtual reality is better than authentic reality.  Remember the ‘Virtual Reality’ video games at arcades?  How great were they?

Dear Tamar,

I’m having problems with what to include in my “About Me” paragraph. I know what I’m looking for and what I want in a potential partner, but I can’t describe myself well enough for fear I will be judged the wrong way. What would be your best advice? I’ve tried including my love of sports, hiking, camping, the outdoors, and I’m getting nothing! It’s frustrating. Also, if I see someone that I’m interested in, what’s the rule of thumb when sending the first email to a girl? I’m having a hard time getting responses. Thanks for your help!

Dear Rule of Thumb,

I think the best thing you can do for yourself right now is to stop worrying how you’ll be perceived and to start sending emails. You’re not going to get any responses if you don’t make the first move. That said, if you know the description of yourself will offend the majority of women, then please do edit it and, while you’re at it, think about why you have to do so. Make sure your first line is catchy and I recommend having a sister or female friend read the paragraph to make sure you won’t be judged the wrong way. As for sending the first email, it’s never a bad thing and it never hurts. In the first email it’s imperative to let the woman know why her profile caught your eye, compliment something about her photos and mention 1-2 things you have in common. Finally, ask her if there’s mutual interest. Try to think about what you would want to read in the About Me paragraph and in a letter and apply that same concept to your repertoire. Good luck!

Dear Tamar,

I’m having a hard time writing the “about me” section on my profile. I’m not really sure what to say. I want to sound interesting but at the same time also fun and cute. Can you help me on what I should say? Thank you!

Dear Profile Help,

My suggestion would be for you to start with making a list of your best qualities and a list of what you are looking for in your beshert. Now, many of these things are mentioned later in your profile in the fill-in-the-blank and multiple choice sections, so make sure you don’t simply repeat those things but expand upon them. Make sure your first line is catchy but not corny and make sure to mention things that make you unique and set you apart from the pack. Double check your grammar and spelling and make sure not to write too much, this isn’t your autobiography. You want to sound intriguing but leave them wanting more. Here’s an example:

I’m a 27-year-old journalist who loves having fun and being funny, even if it’s at my own expense! A guy who can’t laugh at himself is definitely not the right guy for me — and sarcasm is a plus! I like to go out but I also really enjoy a nice night just hanging out at home. I’m looking for a man to be my lover and best friend, a guy who will make me laugh every day, and someone who will bring out the best in me as I hope to do with him. I refuse to settle but am definitely realistic about my expectations. Oh, and a big bonus if you own the complete 10 seasons of Friends!

Dear Tamar,

I have been on JDate for a few weeks now and I have not gotten any emails or IM’s. What is wrong with me, my pics or my profile?

Dear What’s My Problem?

It could be both! If you doubt your pics and profile, then it sounds like you need to revisit both. Employ a trusted friend or family member to critique your photos and profile. This person should have your best interests at heart and you need to be open to what they suggest. The pictures you may think are good may not be as flattering of you may think. Remember that others see you as up to 20% better looking than you see yourself, so if your confidant wants you to use other pictures you should listen. Then, let your confidant edit your About Me profile to his or her heart’s desire because the written word is only as good as the person reading it. Once you’re done, you will get the super-cool “New” icon and will be at the top of searches, enabling you to catch someone’s eye who may have overlooked you before. And remember to Click!® and Hot List people you like so they know you’re interested and will feel secure sending you an email. Good luck!